Big Bad Ass Book of Sex

by Nancy Armstrong

  In general, the vibe surrounding swinging and swapping is very different from that associated with threesomes. For one thing, swinging usually occurs among two or more couples, which means that there’s less of a chance that someone will end up being the odd man (or woman) out.

  Plus there are couples who would never consider adding more than one other person to their sex life and couples that think just one extra person wouldn’t be fair.

  SECRETS TO MAKE YOU LOOK GOOD

  See, adding extra people to the bed just means you’re being thoughtful.

  The differences between threesomes and larger groups will be investigated a little later in this part, but for now, let’s just celebrate the fact that there are so many options.

  SNAP OF THE FINGER

  Feeling left out in threesomes? Simply even out the number of participants.

  This section touches on some of the preliminary stages of acquainting yourself with the lifestyle but generally takes the tack that if you’re getting into swinging and swapping, you may already be pretty well acquainted. If that’s not the case or if there are more questions than we’ve provided answers for here, go back and look at Part 3 again.

  First some basics and then a quick history of swinging and swapping before we move on to the juicer stuff.

  A SWINGIN’ GLOSSARY

  There are a few terms to add to the glossary in Part 3, too. The following will help further your understanding of the swinging lifestyle:

  BUKKAKE: A sexual practice in which several men take turns ejaculating on one person, usually a woman who is kneeling in the center of the circle.

  EXHIBITIONISM: Engaging in sexual activity alone or with someone other than your partner while your partner and/or others watch.

  FULL SWAP: Engaging in penetrative intercourse with a person or people besides your partner in a swinging situation.

  GANGBANG: A sexual situation in which one person has sex with many other people; the main person may be a man or a woman, and the people he or she has sex with generally do not engage in sexual contact with one another.

  GROUP SEX: A general term for multiple sexual encounters occurring in the same location.

  HOT WIFE: Describes a practice in which a woman has sex with a partner or partners who are not her husband while her husband and perhaps others watch.

  YOU’RE WELCOME FOR THE TIP

  It’s fine and dandy to brag about your spouse by calling her your hot wife; however, just make sure you’re not in a swinger’s bar first.

  POLYAMORY: A term used to describe a situation in which more than two people are involved in a love relationship; polyamorous folks generally object to being called swingers.

  SOFT SWAP: Sexual activity with multiple partners involving kissing, touching, and oral sex.

  SWINGING: A BRIEF HISTORY

  Lots of folks in “the lifestyle” credit the ancient Romans and Greeks as the inspiration for their multipartnered sexual proclivities, but the actual practice of swinging as we know it today began in the twentieth century.

  STRETCHING THE TRUTH

  The ancient Greeks held órgia (where the word “orgy” comes from), which were religious ceremonies that only initiates could attend. The fact that these rites were held at night and were secretive led to speculation that all sorts of naughtiness were afoot.

  Folks who’ve done extensive research on the subject believe that swinging began in the 1950s in military communities. This relatively small community practice, called simply wife swapping at the time, gave way to the explosion of the sexual revolution in the 1960s, and then all bets were off.

  Suddenly, organizations dedicated to the practice of swinging started popping up. The first was the Sexual Freedom League, which was founded in 1963 in New York City with the advertised purpose of promoting sexuality among its members and advocating for change in the way the government dealt with sexual issues. They often had “nude parties,” but that was really just a euphemism for orgies.

  From there it was a short step to the North American Swing Club Association, now known as NASCA International, a California organization dedicated to providing accurate information about the lifestyle and clubs and events you can go to. They even publish a guide you can buy at your local bookstore (but the store may have to order it) or purchase online.

  Depending on what study you look at, anywhere between 5 and 50 percent of married couples engage in swinging of some sort. Indeed, reported figures of the lifestyle community are that anywhere between 3 million and 4 million people practice swinging worldwide.

  BARE FACTS

  If up to 50 percent of married couples are into swinging, we’ve been hanging out at the wrong dinner parties.

  Swingers’ ages average in the forties, and a majority who choose to talk about the practice generally report that it improves their relationships either by making the participants more open about sex with one another or by curbing cheating behavior. Swingers are generally middle class, white, and married.

  There is a new practice afoot among swingers, called selective swinging, which tends to feature younger, more attractive people in more upscale venues. Instead of 1980s hair and 1970s morality, which is what most of us picture when we think of swinging—admit it—think elegant, sophisticated, social sexuality with gourmet food and expensive liquor. As happens with all things, marketing folks have gotten involved, which means that even swinging is fashionable somewhere. If it’s your thing, celebrate!

  THREESOMES VERSUS LARGER GROUPS

  Although threesomes fall under the umbrella of group sex, they are very different from the practice generally known as swinging, in which mainly couples participate. Swinging has more of a playful, party feel to it than threesome play does, and not only because there are more participants. Threesomes seem to be taken more seriously in a relationship, whereas swing parties are just that: the play is celebratory, and there isn’t too much worry—at least on the surface—about the consequences group sex will have on couples’ relationships. There is a strong community atmosphere with swinging and larger groups; indeed, folks who participate in large couples’ parties are there for the sex, but they’re also there for the companionship and the laughs.

  Unlike with threesomes, in which it is helpful to be bisexual or at least bicurious, with swinging in larger groups you needn’t have any bisexual encounters at all. That’s not to say it doesn’t happen; it’s just rarer. And if it does happen, it’s generally between or among women.

  There is certainly a fundamental numerical divide between swinger play and threesome play, too: the numbers just don’t work out the same. Whereas with swing clubs and parties it is generally all couples, threesome events don’t work if there aren’t singles as well. Singles are sometimes accepted at swingers’ parties, and whether they are or not should usually be specified explicitly in whatever literature you have about the event.

  Don’t worry, though: whichever you participate in, there’s no shortage of places to go to meet interested partners or couples. NASCA reports events in forty-three of the fifty United States, and some of those venues are even threesome-centric.

  Make no mistake, though; swing events are the more publicized of the two, and you can basically pick any niche you want and find other folks who’ll go to a party for it with you. From enormous events such as “SwingFest: the world’s largest swingers party and convention” to more outdoorsy parties such as SwingStock (a four-day campout event that attracts hundreds of people to Minnesota every summer), there’s bound to be something that fits your group sex needs.

  YOU’RE WELCOME FOR THE TIP

  SwingStock parties include no swimsuit competitions, but do offer theme dances, games, barbecues, and a chance to catch up with old friends and have sex with them.

  But before you screw up your courage, so to speak, and register for an event, you might want to ask yourself a few questions.

  SHOULD YOU SWING?

  If you’re considering a trip to Swingertown, sa
fety needs to be your primary concern. We’re talking here about physical safety as well as the emotional kind, which we’ll get to in a minute. Ensuring your physical safety means you must always use condoms to prevent AIDS and other STDs as well as unwanted pregnancies. For this second consideration, a backup method should also be used unless all the female participants are past menopause. (This kind of party happens more often than you might think.)

  Also make sure you go to a club or party that is vouched for in some way either by NASCA or another organization or by a friend or acquaintance to make sure the folks you’re meeting aren’t into drugs or violent behavior. They are strangers, after all, and you’re at your most vulnerable when you are naked, never mind how open you are when you’re about to have an orgasm! Just play it safe.

  LISTEN UP, THIS IS IMPORTANT

  Take care of yourself at swinger functions and clubs the way you would at any event, only more so, since you probably won’t be wearing any underwear … or clothing, for that matter.

  Those are the practical, tangible things you need to be sure about before you take the plunge into group sex, and they’re pretty easy to tackle. What might not be so easy are the intangible considerations that must go into your decision whether to go this route. Within your relationship, you must be able to discuss sex openly and honestly. If you’re unable to talk frankly about what goes on between you when you’re nude together, don’t even think about swinging. If the level of openness required is completely beyond you, you should try reading erotica aloud together or watching porn or talking about fantasies or reading Part 2 of this book to each other or any number of things to get you comfortable with your sex life before even considering adding other people to it.

  COMMUNICATION

  Assuming you and your partner are comfortable chatting it up on all things sexual, move on to asking yourselves some questions.

  Quiz for Couples Who Are Contemplating Swinging

  We are committed to each other and secure in our relationship.

  We are open about our sexual fantasies and share them with each other.

  One or both of us fantasizes about having sex with multiple partners.

  Neither of us is a jealous person.

  We can separate our loving relationship from sex.

  Experimenting sexually is very important to both of us.

  Each of us would enjoy seeing our partner being pleased by someone else.

  If we try something new sexually and it’s not great for one or both of us, we can get past it.

  We are both able to have sex without getting emotionally involved.

  We have no trouble communicating with each other about what we want in the bedroom.

  The more of these statements you checked off, the more ready you are to get involved with the lifestyle, but no quiz in a book can really tell you if you’re ready to open your relationship to this type of sexual encounter. What you must do is really talk to each other, do some research, and make sure it’s something you both want to do. Keep in mind these considerations as you discuss it:

  Both members of the couple must be into swinging or having group sex. Neither should have to talk the other into the experience.

  Though some studies report that a majority of swingers say the group thing is beneficial to their marriages or even that swinging has saved their marriages, there is no definitive proof of this. It may help, but it may not.

  There’s no going back after you do it. Once you and your partner have had sex with other people at a swing party or another couple’s home, it’s done, and your relationship will be different.

  Other Considerations

  Of course your first thoughts when considering a foray into group sex should be how it will affect your relationship with your partner and how you will stay physically safe, but there are other considerations as well.

  Practicality is one of them. There’s a reason swinging is often referred to as “the lifestyle.” It is, in fact, a way of living for many of those who participate in it, which means it takes up a lot of time and energy. Because of this, you may need to be able to tell people about it, such as family members or coworkers, and even in these progressive times, there will be those who will not be understanding and/or supportive. If you have children, as many swingers do, you may need to consider what you will tell them or what you will do with them when you go to events or clubs or when you want to have a grown-up play date in your home.

  A woman’s role in group sex and its social implications is another consideration for those about to swing. Many argue that women are objectified in an objectionable way in group sexual practices, especially activities such as bukkake and gangbanging, in which one woman is often the central sexual outlet for several different men.

  Others say swinging empowers women sexually by allowing couples to engage in sexual fact-finding together in a way that makes sex not so gender-specific; that is, they are able to engage in sexual practices they find appealing or satisfying solely on the basis of arousal and not on any standards set by society (for example, others’ morality or spousal duty). Those who are in favor of swinging say it levels the playing field for men and women, so to speak.

  Either way, some women might like to surrender control or might find it liberating in its own way to be the centerpiece of a sexual encounter for so many men, and some might not. Some women who swing might not engage in gangbanging or bukkake, preferring instead a regular swap or filling the role of a hot wife in that scenario. Regardless, it must be up to the woman herself to decide, and she needn’t do anything she doesn’t want to do.

  DON’T BE A JERK

  A central tenet of swinging for men and women is to do what you want as long as no one gets hurt who doesn’t want to. “No” means “no” all the time.

  YES!

  After you’ve discussed all the pros and cons and decided you and your partner would like to try group sex, you’ll have to figure out what kind of situation you want and what kind of couple or group you’ll be most comfortable with or attracted to or any other criteria you may have. You’ll also need to decide how many other people you want to swing with, and that’s a very personal decision. It seems prudent to start small and then work your way up, but really, it’s up to you and your partner. But once that’s done, there are several ways you can go about meeting other couples with whom to get naked. You’ll just need to find willing folks. Here’s where to look:

  Your friends and neighbors. Lots of folks get started in swinging fairly innocently with friends they get together with socially. Drinks lead to flirting, which leads to naked fun together. Do it if you’re comfortable with it, but your relationship will change, no doubt about it.

  SECRET TIP

  Swinging with friends and neighbors can get dicey if only because you might never again want to look them in the eye after you’ve looked them in the crotch.

  Lifestyle clubs. These are swingers’ clubs in which couples can go to check one another out and then all play together. Not all clubs allow sex, though, so make sure you know which kind you are in: on-premises (for the sex) or off-premises (for just the meeting). The major bonus with these clubs is that your first introduction is face to face; you won’t have to worry that they won’t show up. The drawback is that there isn’t a lifestyle club in every city or town, so you might have to travel a bit to find one. Luckily, NASCA International can keep you apprised of events in your area. Which brings us to …

  NASCA’s published guide. This provides comprehensive listings of clubs, parties, conventions, publications, and holidays for “those who want more than just one bite.” It’s really your first stop on the road to finding your ideal swinging situation.

  Swing publications. This is where you’ll find personal ads detailing any situation you could wish for. This is a good resource for a couple that wants to swing with just one other couple in a private setting because, for example, they are not comfortable in a club with all that nudity. Often the publication will
have photos and other useful information to help you decide on the Smiths or the Joneses.

  The Internet. There are so many adult dating sites online it would take years to list them, but those such as adultfriendfinder.com and adultfindout.com are popular and allow you to specify exactly what you want. They’re also generally free. If you want to keep it very local and you’re in a fairly large metropolitan area, a good place to try is your city’s alternative newsweekly’s personals page. These pages have tons of ads for folks seeking all manner of kinky fun. The drawbacks with adult personal ads are the same as those with regular ones: People lie. The couple you choose might not be “extremely attractive” or even passable, or they might not show up. It might also take some time to find a couple because there are apparently millions of swingers out there looking to play. But you’ve already committed to spending quite a bit of time on this, so don’t let that deter you.

  BOUNDARIES

  Although the swinging community is a pretty open one, boundaries must be set and respected, just as in threesomes. There is perhaps less of this in larger groups, mainly because a couple is not sharing one other person, so jealousy may be less of an issue.

  COMMUNICATION

  Swinging couples do have jealousy issues, of course; however, it’s just that he or she may be too busy also having sex with another person at the very same time, and so he or she will be pleasantly distracted.

  Before you and your partner attend a club, event, or party or before you meet a couple you’ve selected in another way, discuss what you want to happen, what each of you is allowed to do, anything you might not be comfortable seeing your partner doing, and any other concerns you may have about the specific acts that will be performed. You might feel that this takes the fun or playfulness out of the experience, but it’s important to remember what Germaine Greer said: “No sex is better than bad sex.” Not respecting other people’s boundaries, including those of your partner, can make for some pretty bad sex. So set boundaries before your first swinging experience—and adjust them on subsequent experiences—and follow those rules.