ESSENTIAL SWINGING ETIQUETTE
Some helpful hints to make your first—and subsequent, should you so choose—group sex party a smashing success:
If you’re going to a club, make sure you know whether it’s on- or off-premises. That’s really important. If you’re not supposed to get naked and have sex in the club, you shouldn’t do it, and you’ll feel like a real jerk if you do. Likewise, if you think you’re just going to a place to get a feel for what happens and end up getting an actual feel, you might also feel like a jerk.
If you’re going to someone’s home for a party, ask in advance what kinds of activities will occur or if there is a theme of some sort and if you can bring anything—just like at a regular dinner party or potluck.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR THE TIP
If attending a swinging potluck, your dish will be the only thing in the room that’s covered.
Arrive showered and well groomed. For obvious reasons, fingernails and pubic hair should be trimmed.
Arrive with your partner at a couples-only party. You might also decide that the two of you will stay together the whole time at your first party. It’s not a bad idea, especially the first time. It’s up to you to decide how you will handle future parties if you choose to keep going with the lifestyle.
Apprise yourself of the alcohol policy at a particular event, whether it’s at a club or a private party, and abide by that policy.
Bring your own personal items, such as towels or lubricants, or ask if they will be provided. A robe might not be a bad idea, either.
As with any sexual situation, toys and accessories can be a welcome addition. These may include vibrators, lubricants (highly recommended), blindfolds, or any other accoutrements you might enjoy. Just make sure everyone’s on board.
It cannot be stressed enough: Condoms and dental dams are a must!
Keep liquor to a minimum. Avoid drugs entirely.
You’re allowed to turn people down, but try to be sensitive about it. They’re swinging people, sure, but they still have feelings.
If something happens that you don’t enjoy or that makes you feel uncomfortable, let it be known without unnecessarily hurting someone’s feelings or spoiling the mood. In other words, try to be frank and polite at the same time. Everyone’s needs at and expectations of a party are different, so it is best not to assume anything about the other guests.
SNAP OF THE FINGER
Remember these items whether you’re going to a party or hosting your own:
Lube
Open mind
Sense of humor
Respect
More lube
Healthy body image
Adventurous spirit
Condoms
Energy
Lube
LUBE REVISITED
You’ll need a lot of lubrication for an evening or weekend of group sex. No matter how much natural lubrication a woman may produce, even if she’s above average, you will need more. This is an unequivocal fact. See here for the whole scoop on lubrication.
AFTER THE FIRST TIME
Sometime after your first swing or group sex party (though probably not immediately afterward because you’re likely to fall asleep thirty seconds after your last orgasm), you and your partner must talk about the encounter.
Here are some questions to ask yourself and each other:
Did both of us get what we wanted out of it?
Did we enjoy ourselves?
Did any part of it make us feel uncomfortable or bad?
What feelings besides arousal did we experience?
If we were to do it again, are there things we would do differently?
Do we want to do it again?
What did we learn about own sexuality?
What did each of us learn about his or her partner’s sexuality?
The answers to these questions will help you decide if you want to make group sex a regular part of your sexual repertoire or if once was enough to satisfy your urge and curiosity. Your feelings about the experience may change, so keep talking about it as that happens. If nothing else comes of your swinging experience, you will have learned to talk openly about sex with your partner, and that is an extremely important skill.
Assuming you’ve met some folks you like playing with and you’ve decided after your first encounter that you’d like to swing some more—and you enjoy entertaining, of course—you might want to host your own parties.
TIPS FOR HOSTING YOUR OWN PARTY
Don’t spend so much time hosting that you forget that you’re there to have a good time, too. At a certain point, relinquish your duties, strip off that G-string, and join the fun!
Designate certain rooms for certain activities. For example, your living room can be the social room, where guests eat and drink and talk but don’t necessarily have sex. Your den could serve as the open-play room, where folks can feel free to get it on with other folks watching. You might designate your guest room as a private room for those with less exhibitionistic tendencies. Make sure to let your guests know if any rooms are off limits, such as your bedroom or your kids’ bedrooms.
BARE FACTS
Speaking of your kids, it might be best if they weren’t home for this. Make arrangements for them to spend the night elsewhere, preferably in the next county.
Clean up. This should go without saying, right? It’s like any other party, right? You want to make a good impression. But since guests will often be naked and doing very personal things with one another, cleanliness is even more of an issue.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR THE TIP
Use antibacterial disinfectant for the cleanup and have fresh sheets on hand for when it’s time to actually sleep.
Make sure your guests know what your policy is on hot-button issues such as alcohol, drugs, and condoms.
Have a theme party. Sure, swinging is a fine theme in itself, but it might be fun to come up with a creative concept to distinguish yourself as a premier party host and hostess.
SECRETS TO MAKE YOU LOOK GOOD
Avoid throwing a Halloween-themed swinging bash on the actual night of Halloween. You may be opening the door not to a couple you can’t wait to get your your hands on but instead to a nine-year-old kid dressed as Pocahontas who will need therapy afterward.
FIVE FUN PARTIES TO HOST
Speaking of theme parties, here are five of the easiest and most fun to host.
Costume Party
This isn’t too tough: just inform your guests that the party is “fancy-dress,” which can mean evening gowns and tuxes or dressing up in costume, whichever you prefer. You can have a masquerade ball, with masks, too.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR THE TIP
For extra fun, leave the masks on when you take everything else off!
As far as costumes go, you can let it be a free-for-all or designate a genre if you want. How about a 1980s party? Or 1960s? If all your guests are interested in similar things, it shouldn’t be too difficult to find one for your theme. Renaissance or gothic clothing makes for interesting, sexy costumes. If everyone loves Lord of the Rings, try that (though cross your fingers that folks favor elves over trolls). Or have a famous faces of the 1950s party at which guests can be old-time movie stars such as James Dean and Marilyn Monroe. You might decide that the costumes should be limited to people’s undies so that no one knows who anyone is dressed as until later in the evening, after the regular clothes come off. The possibilities are endless. Just think of your guests and their interests and brainstorm. As with the sex, the only limit is your imagination.
Around-the-World Party
This is a swinging take on a favorite college dormitory game. Make each room in your home a different country, with nationality-specific refreshments and atmosphere in each—plus a sexy twist.
In France, guests sip French martinis and French kiss. Maybe there are even escargots. (Or maybe not, if slimy gastropods are not sexy to you.) Add some French pop music for a real—and amusing—treat.
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br /> In Russia, guests lounge on a luxurious faux-fur (or real, if you like) rug while drinking White Russians. They’ll be lining up to use this room privately later on—there’s nothing like naked skin against fur.
Travel to Mexico: take off that warm muffler (and some other clothing, if you want), don a serape, and enjoy a refreshing glass of sangria.
You get the idea. Pick your favorite countries and set them up in your own home. You needn’t spend much money or time on props; a sketch of the Eiffel Tower is sufficient for France, maybe some orangey lighting and mariachi music for Mexico. The real fun is in the sexy details. But remember, you don’t want any of your swingers to get too toasted, so keep the drinks weak.
SECRET TIP
If you don’t want your swingers getting tipsy or drunk, be ironic and serve only virgin cocktails.
Old-School Key Party
You may remember that in the 1997 Ang Lee movie The Ice Storm, there was a key party after which Joan Allen has some very uncomfortable-looking sex in a tiny car to get back at her husband, Kevin Kline, who has been having an affair with Sigourney Weaver. Your key party needn’t be anything like that, though if you can swing the swinging 1970s decor and outfits, go for it. (And if you can get movie stars to attend, more power to you!)
A key party basically works like this: each man puts his keys in a jar, and each woman chooses a set and goes home with that man. Or you might put each man’s watch in the jar the way they did in that episode of The O.C. Or how about cell phones? The difference with your key party will be that no one will go home with anyone—the sex can happen right there! And ideally no one will have uncomfortable sex in a car (unless that’s what they’re into).
A party that is a throwback to the generation that started it all in terms of swinging—a homage to back in the day, if you will—doesn’t need to seem dated or stale even if you decide the guests should dress in their best bell bottoms and platform shoes. It’s entirely up to you. You can take the basic idea that everyone randomly selects and keeps a partner for the evening and do whatever you want with it. But for groups that have swung together before—and in which all the members are attracted to one another—this can add a spicy wild card to the party.
Potluck Party
Because swinging is a sexual activity and a social one, you might decide a swinging party is also a good time to enjoy wonderful homemade food. There’s no reason for the only main course to be sex, right? You’ll need your sustenance if you’re going to keep going for hours anyway, and hors d’oeuvres alone won’t cut it.
As far as the food goes, you can pick a theme for that if you want, too. You can do all vegetarian if your group goes that way, or tapas, or Asian fusion. Choose anything you like but make sure all the guests communicate what they’re bringing so you don’t have ten appetizers and no desserts or five different shrimp dishes. Dig in and enjoy—you’ll need all the energy you can get!
QUICK FIX
If you are serving food, set up some ground rules about whether it can be used for sex play. Either that or reserve a steam cleaner for the following day.
Aromatherapy Massage Party
For a laid-back evening, why not try an aromatherapy massage party? It’s easy. Ask each couple or person to bring a different essential oil. Popular ones include grapefruit (for cleansing and purifying), lavender (for calming and balancing), peppermint (for stimulating), and jasmine (an aphrodisiac).
Each couple can take turns giving each other a massage using the oil—choices of massage include full-body, feet, hands, back, and head, but try to avoid genitals, at least at first. As everyone watches and you and your partner rub each other, everyone’s sexual tension will build as they all become relaxed in their muscles and minds, which will make the sexual encounters to come truly explosive.
SECRETS TO MAKE YOU LOOK GOOD
Look online for instructions on the proper way to dilute essential oils for massage before throwing an aromatherapy party. A group sex encounter is a really bad time to get a skin rash.
PARTY GAMES AND ICEBREAKERS
A theme for your party should diffuse any nervousness or tension on the part of your guests. However, if you think themes are too much work, too kitschy, or not your style but you’d like to liven things up a bit, try any of these exciting, enticing games and icebreakers:
Dance. It eases tension and gets you loosened up. It can also make you feel sexy as you move your hips and sway to music.
Play truth or dare. Start with truth questions and move on to more suggestive dares. Or play spin the bottle, starting with kissing and then moving on to more grown-up activities for a twist on everyone’s favorite teenage party game.
If you’re in a group of seasoned swingers but they haven’t all swung together before, go around the room for story time. Have each tag team tell the story of their first time swinging. That should get everyone laughing and comfortable sharing with one another.
Play strip poker or strip something else. Strip Trivial Pursuit is a good one, since it is usually played with teams, so you and your partner will get undressed at the same pace—all the while showing off your knowledge of sports and leisure.
Try some karaoke. Sure, it’s embarrassing, but if folks are uncomfortable taking their clothes off right off the bat, perhaps some humiliation of the nonnaked variety will make the transition a little more palatable.
Watch a sexy movie. When all else fails, try some porn.
QUICK FIX
If your guests are having trouble getting in the swinging mood, ask the exhibitionists in the group to put on a show for the rest of the guests. They will probably jump at the chance, and before you know it, a few hours later they all will be looking under couch cushions for their underwear.
WELL, LOOK WHO FINALLY MADE THE
Rodeo
A lot of the information about threesomes is the same as that for group sex, but there are some DIFFERENCES. One of these is the vibe: swinging has more of a sense of COMMUNITY, whereas threesomes seem to be a more PRIVATE endeavor. Group sex is often referred to as “the lifestyle” for a reason: it takes up a lot of time in your life, and not everyone will be pleased to learn of your choice. In other words, it’s not easy explaining your love of group sex at the family holiday reunion.
Stories
BOARDROOM
J. M. Thompson
Jerry had always been tempted to print up a new sign for the company boardroom, changing the name to Bored Room. Considering the way the meeting had started out, it looked like he was going to spend most of the morning trying to stay awake. It was well understood that the one unforgivable sin in the boardroom was to snore louder than the CEO during the meetings.
Rutherford B. Bodine had been well into his eighties when Jerry attended his first executive staff meeting more than five years earlier. Back then, Rutherford was actively in charge of the business, not the figurehead he had become in the last few years. The firm’s president, Harold Bodine, Rutherford’s nephew, actually ran the company and pretty much chaired the executive staff meetings. Although well known for his skinny-dipping into the secretarial pool, he did manage the company as well as or better than his uncle.
In preparation for the meeting, Jerry had guzzled several caffeinated soft drinks, so he didn’t begin to fade until the meeting rolled into its third hour. By then Rutherford had been sleeping for about two hours and his snoring had generated a few waves of chuckles through the room. When Jerry dropped his pen onto his pad, he recognized he was not far from dropping off too, so he squirmed a bit in his chair and sat upright at the table. This worked for about five minutes before his eyes were slowly closing.…
He was abruptly awakened when Jen, the tall, auburn-haired head of marketing, stood up and shouted at Benjamin from procurement, “Ben, you haven’t got the balls to support our effort.”
Benjamin, a nervous, prematurely gray-haired man in his midthirties who had been sitting next to her, jumped up, turned to face her, and replied, �
��Of course I have the balls. You just—” He suddenly stopped speaking. Everyone in the room, including old Rutherford, who had also been awakened by the commotion, simply stared as Jen slowly squeezed her hand, which had a firm hold on Benjamin’s crotch.
As he began to wince in pain, she said softly, “I guess I was wrong. You do have balls, Ben.”
Without another word, without turning his head from her face, he reached up and in an attempt to gain a stronger negotiating position cupped his hand over her breast. While everyone watched, he gently squeezed first her left breast and then her right. Jen slowly moved her hand from his crotch and brushed his hands from her breasts. All the attendees prepared themselves for her to slap him; instead, she reached up, grabbed his head, and pulled it to her as she tilted her head and kissed him directly on the lips.
Harold Bodine immediately jumped to his feet, expecting them to stop, but the couple continued kissing, completely ignoring him. After watching them for a few minutes, he glanced over to his petite assistant, a young, statuesque woman with jet black hair, squinted a bit while thinking, and then turned to one of the junior associates sitting near the door and said, “Lock the door.” He sat back down in his chair and rolled it over next to June, his assistant and obvious next conquest. Placing a hand on her knee, he began to negotiate some mutually beneficial benefits as Jerry looked around the room.
Big Bad Ass Book of Sex Page 17
