Rabid

by Pamela Redmond Satran

  How ugly is your dog?

  a. My dog is so ugly that the shelter was about to euthanize him because they thought no one would ever be crazy enough to adopt him.

  b. My dog is so ugly that people say she’s cute because they’re way too embarrassed to say what they really think.

  c. My dog is adorable.

  What kind of glasses does your dog wear?

  a.Neon-framed sunglasses.

  b. Heavy horn-rimmed glasses that make him look like an intellectual, but only when being photographed.

  c. Glasses? Why would my dog wear glasses?

  What kind of hat does your dog wear?

  a.Vintage porkpie, just like mine.

  b.Stocking cap from A.P.C. just like mine, that I tore little holes in so it would look like a moth-eaten one from Goodwill.

  c. Hat? Why would my dog wear a hat?

  hipster headgear

  What is your dog’s name?

  a. Karen or Bob, one of those midcentury names.

  b. Sheldon or Sadie, one of those old-people names.

  c. Buster or Bowser, one of those dog names.

  Where does your dog hang out?

  a. McCarren Park in Brooklyn.

  b. Dolores Park in San Francisco.

  c. At home in Ohio.

  What is your dog’s favorite sport?

  a. Skateboarding.

  b. Surfing.

  c. Frisbee playing.

  What does your dog like to eat?

  a. Karen is a vegan.

  b. Sheldon eats only organic food, except for the occasional hotdog consumed ironically on the boardwalk at Rockaway.

  c. Buster is happy with a scoop of kibble.

  Does your dog have any famous friends?

  a. At Occupy Wall Street, Bob got petted by Kanye.

  b. At Opening Ceremony, Sadie went into the fitting room with Jason Schwartzman.

  c. They haven’t actually met, but I think Bowser has a crush on Jessica Simpson.

  Key:

  If you answered mostly a’s, your dog is definitely a hipster, but perhaps you’re trying a little too hard and you’re a little too hip? Final judgment: Not hipster.

  If you answered mostly b’s, your dog is also definitely a hipster, but again, it seems as if you might be trying a bit too hard and acting a smidge too hip. Sorry, therefore not hipster either.

  You are totally not hip or a hipster. Therefore, you might be a hipster. But who cares?

  Cozy and sexy.

  How to Knit a Sweater from Your Dog’s Fur in Seventeen Simple Steps

  Do you wear sweaters that are all covered in dog hair? That’s nuthin’. Real dog lovers wear sweaters made from dog hair. You can create a dog-hair sweater yourself, in your own home, in as much time as it takes to, oh, produce a dog show for Animal Planet or give birth to a couple of generations of puppies.

  Here’s how:

  1. Brush your dog or at least the corpse of your dog. Brush the soft long under hair from the back, sides, and belly of your dog; stiff guard hairs or the stuff that ends up in the vacuum cleaner won’t do. It’s preferable to make your sweater from the hair of a live dog, for reasons that will soon become obvious if they’re not so already. But if the sweater-making idea doesn’t occur to you until after your dog dies, all is not lost, provided you have not already buried or cremated your dog.

  2. Store the hair in a paper bag or clean white pillowcase—plastic will mat it—until you have enough to make a sweater (about a pillowcase full). Or at least a scarf. Or at least until you find it in the back of the closet, scream in horror, and throw it out before you remember what it is.

  3. Add cedar chips or herbs like rosemary, thyme, and cloves to keep the moths away from stored hair. No mothballs because then your dog hair will smell even worse than it already does.

  4. Wash the dog hair with a mild shampoo and lay it out to dry. If it still smells like dog, wash it a few more times.

  5. Card the dog hair to prepare for spinning. No, I don’t know what this means either.

  6. Spin the dog hair into yarn. Or maybe, if you’re really talented, into gold. At which point you’ll get to marry a prince and go live near a military base in Wales.

  If the dog’s coat and the dog owner’s sweater are look-alikes, that’s no accident.

  7. If you’re not macha enough to spin your own yarn, contract with VIP Fibers to do it for you.

  8. Wonder whether, if you worked at McDonald’s for the amount of time it’s taking you to do all this, you could have just bought yourself a nice cashmere sweater.

  9. Wash yarn. Why again? Have you smelled your dog lately?

  10. Knit loosely, breaking—not cutting—dog-hair yarn, and joining with overlaps, never knots. Otherwise, you’ll end up with a garment that looks like it was knit from, you know, dog hair.

  11. Go somewhere wearing your dog-hair sweater, preferably with your dog. Note: Not recommended if your dog is dead.

  12. Wait for someone to admire your sweater.

  13. Go ahead, keep waiting.

  14. Mistaking the question on where you got your sweater for a compliment, exclaim that you made it yourself! From your dog’s hair!

  15. Do not chase the person when he backs away.

  16. Do not overcompensate by telling even more people that you knit the sweater from your dog’s fur.

  17. Oh, yeah, and when you get home, better wash it again.

  CRAZY about your dog or just CRAZY

  Buying your pet a cute little outfit for Halloween so he doesn’t feel left out at the dog park.

  Spending so much time constructing your dog’s costume you forget to buy candy for the trick-or-treaters.

  Dyeing that fluffy patch at the top of her head hot pink.

  Touching up her roots.

  Protecting him with a waterproof coat when you walk in the rain.

  Accessorizing his raincoat with rubber boots and a head-mounted umbrella

  In the Doghouse

  Nobody wants to be in the doghouse, not even the dog.

  And when doghouses were a few nailed-together boards over a dirt floor, who could blame them?

  Now, doghouse manufacturers and designers are seeking to change all that with new doghouses that combine high design with canine comfort. Or at least the illusion of it. The state of doghouse architecture now:

  Doghouses better than your house. A two-bedroom manse in Britain designed by a prominent architect has a $250,000 sound system, 52-inch plasma TV, and retina-scanning security entry.

  Royal doghouses. A Japanese dog lover spent six months creating a replica of the sixteenth-century Matsumoto Castle for his pet.

  Mini-me doghouses. Paris Hilton built a house for her dogs modeled on her own California-style mansion. It includes Philippe Starck furniture, a black crystal chandelier, and of course, a closet.

  Suburban doghouses. Doghouses modeled on Victorians, Cape Cods, or log cabins are widely available for $2,000 to $3,000 and come equipped with shuttered windows, flower boxes, gingerbread trim, front porches, and stairways to rooftop (you’ll pardon the expression) catwalks. For another $600 or so, you can even install a remote-controlled heating and air-conditioning unit.

  German Hundehäuser in the Bauhaus style evidences European chic.

  European doghouses. In Europe, where everything is cooler, a German company at bestfriendshome.com makes one Hundehäuser in the Bauhaus style and another that resembles Scarlett O’Hara’s home plantation Tara. Italian designer Marco Morosini, who claims to be “creating temples for four-legged gods,” sells his glass house, Buddhist temple, and doggie mobile home resembling an Airstream from the site dogisagod.it.

 
Sustainable doghouses. Nice idea, but one company that produced a doghouse with plants growing out of its roof has gone out of business. And a molded plastic doghouse that you bury in your backyard claims to be naturally heated and cooled by the earth but might make you feel not like a green crusader so much as a kidnapper hiding his prey in an underground pit.

  Indoor doghouses. Some forward-thinking and practical designers seem to realize that modern dogs have no intention of sleeping outside, no matter how chic the house, and have instead created indoor doghouses. These include a portable folding doghouse as well as end tables and rocking chairs that harbor doghouse-like enclosures.

  Virtual doghouses. And then there are the life-size doghouse decals to paste on your wall, a nod to the notion of an old-school doghouse while at the same time acknowledging the reality that your house now is the doghouse. At least your dog lets you live there, too.

  CRAZY? There Goes That $9 Million

  The agent chosen to sell the most expensive house in the United States—Candy Spelling’s $150 million Hollywood mansion, worth a $9 million commission—was selected by Spelling’s dog. Spelling told the Associated Press that she had the agents who hoped to handle the house sale presented, one by one, to her Wheaten Terrier, Madison, and judged the dog’s reaction. If the dog disliked them, they were off the list.

  How to Furnish Your Dog’s Home

  Why let your dog sleep on your bed or curl up in your favorite chair when he can have his own furniture? Every doghouse can use the following items:

  Louis XVI four-poster canopy bed, $4,538. With fully lined, plaid tapestry curtains, removable for dry cleaning.

  Faux-fur bed shaped like a car or boat, $249 from Trixie + Peanut. For the animal who likes to be in the driver’s seat.

  Tempur-Pedic mattress, $425 for extra large. If you’re still sleeping on foam, you may want to curl up next to your dog.

  Sweetcake dog bed, $212. Dutch-designed plastic dog bed that looks like a cupcake wrapper.

  Italian Renaissance sofa, $785. Tapestry upholstered.

  Zebra-print Victorian chaise longue, $299. Suitable for fainting.

  Contemporary conversation pit, $359. Sleek gray-and-black sofa that can accommodate several small dogs in conversation pit style.

  Designer pod chair, $598. C-shaped bent-plywood “Eames chair for your dog” with choice of five veneer finishes and faux-collie fur pad.

  Wildebeest pet rug, $49. Shaggy fleece rug from Etsy.

  Feminine armoire, $259. White-and-pink armoire with three adjustable hanging racks, drawer, and doors with bone-shaped windows.

  Decorator fabric crate cover, $96. Crates may be practical, but you don’t want your darling doggie to feel like you’re putting her in a cage, do you? A crate cover in chic cabana stripes or toile masks those grim realities for fur babies and parents alike.

  Fêng Shui for Your Dog

  When you bring a new puppy home, what’s the first thing you should do to your house?

  Fêng shui it to make it a hospitable place for your new dog, of course!

  DeAnna Radaj is a fêng shui expert in Charlotte, North Carolina, who’s consulted with many pet owners on applying fêng shui principles to create a dog-friendly home.

  If you’d rather spend your pet budget on, say, little rubber underpants, how can you doggie fêng shui your house yourself? Radaj’s tips:

  Declutter the entryway. “It’s all about energy,” says Radaj. Starting at the front door, you (and your dog) want to be able to walk easily and freely into the house without slamming into furniture, stepping over clutter, getting confused.

  Place the food bowl in the power position. Ideal: in the far corner of the room diagonal to and facing the entryway, the most psychologically secure position for dogs or people. You don’t want your dog to have his head in the corner and his back exposed.

  Place the bed in the power position. Same basic principle as the food bowl, ideally in a quiet corner. Never place the bed directly in line with the door, which is the death position.

  Give your pet his own bed. “With fêng shui you want something soft, like Sherpa wool, and free-flowing organic lines that help induce sleep,” says Radaj. Cool colors and earth tones are good, reds and yellows, not so much.

  Edit the toy chest. For a dog’s toys, use a low box or basket he can get into himself and edit toys to a few good ones at a time, weeding out those your dog doesn’t play with and rotating the selection.

  Create an escape room. In a far corner of a guest room or den—or under a piece of furniture—create a place where your dog can go to get away from it all.

  The Well-Appointed Dog Home

  You didn’t think you could just throw an old pillow in the corner and consider your house canine ready, did you? No modern dog home is complete without the following accessories:

  Audio speakers designed for dogs. My Pet Speaker is designed for your dog’s delicate hearing and conveys higher- and lower-frequency sounds audible only to pets.

  Aromatherapy candles. Specially made for homes with dogs, these aromatherapy candles promise not only to deodorize but to improve whatever it is that’s ailing your dog in the first place. One scent that might prove useful: Fart & Away.

  A bone-shaped fleece cushion. Is it a travel pillow? A teeny tiny dog bed? No matter, now your dog won’t have to share your pillow.

  Padded step stool. For the short-legged dog, stairs in soft fleece help her climb up into your bed or onto the sofa, and if she falls, she won’t get hurt.

  Folding gate. Like child gates but made especially for dogs, this will keep your pet corralled in her corner of the house—or you corralled in yours.

  Dog-friendly videos. If you need something to keep your dog busy while you cook his night stew or iron her party dress, invest in a video aimed specifically at dogs, featuring raccoons, squirrels, mice, cats, and other dogs, with eight levels of sound including some audible only to your pooch.

  Doggie dictator poster. You know your dog is in absolute charge of everything, so why not acknowledge her supremacy to the world with a brightly colored Mao-style poster extolling her breed.

  Faux-fur pet pocket. Think of it as a sleeping bag for your dog.

  Going to the Dogs

  Traveling has become a whole new adventure, whether you’re doing it with your dogs or they’re going on vacation all by themselves. Among the dog hotel and resort options:

  Dog Resorts

  Judging from a few roadside joints we’ve seen, many an old-school country kennel has taken to calling itself a luxury pet resort. But a scruffy dog run and some rickety cages don’t cut it anymore. True luxury pet resorts today feature private suites with real beds, spa services, televisions airing dog-friendly fare, and private phone calls from owners.

  Disney World, for instance, has a new Best Friends Pet Care resort where dogs can join a playgroup or have bedtime stories read to them.

  Other top-of-the-line dog resorts offer such amenities as outdoor massages (with the therapist “speaking softly” to your dog throughout), canine hydrotherapy, acupuncture, online photos so you can keep track of how your dog is doing during his stay, and even a kiss goodnight.

  People Resorts with Dog Accommodations

  One Bal Harbour Resort & Spa is a luxury resort for humans that welcomes dogs, offering special dog beds, a chef-created canine menu, and bottled water for pets.

  Kimpton is a midpriced hotel chain that offers a HosPETality program, which includes gourmet pet treats, dog walking, and pet massage.

  CRAZY about your dog or just CRAZY

  Wanting your dog to live inside with you instead of staying out in the heat or cold.

  Building an elaborate doghouse and then never making your dog stay in it.

  Buying your dog a cozy bed of her own but letting her sleep on your bed instead.

/>   Letting her sleep on your bed, under the covers, with her head on the pillow, right beside yours.

  Choosing a dog-friendly vacation rental for your summer week at the beach.

  Turning down a free week in London because their crazy—crazy!—animal quarantine policies won’t allow you to bring your dog along.

  Not the Same Old Dog Food

  Dog food, like people food, has undergone a revolution—or rather, also like people food, several sometimes conflicting and confusing revolutions.

  There’s the homemade dog-food movement, for instance, which can mean anything from creating your own kibble from some combination of protein, carbohydrates, vitamins, and minerals to home cooking everything from dinner stews to breakfast muffins for your pet.

  Then there’s the raw food movement, sometimes called BARF—which stands for either “bones and raw foods” or “biologically appropriate raw food,” proponents disagree—which is also often homemade. One BARF website describes the following as a daily BARF diet for a golden retriever: 12 (raw) chicken necks, an egg or yogurt, three-quarters of a cup of pureed raw vegetables such as carrots, turnips, parsnips, and celery, a teaspoon of oil, plus vitamin and mineral supplements such as nutritional yeast and alfalfa powder. Twice a week, add some tripe or uncooked liver or heart.

  Homemade and BARF diets are often (but not always) also organic, as are vegetarian or vegan dog diets, though while vegetarian and vegan dog food may be homemade, it’s never BARF. While a vegetarian dog may eat eggs, dairy products, or even seafood such as canned mackerel, a vegan dog eats no animal products. A vegan diet for canines might include—besides vegetables—rice, lentils, soy milk, and spaghetti with tomato sauce, which dogs reportedly love.