Doctor In The Swim

by Richard Gordon

  ‘Who on earth are all these people?’ exclaimed Dolores.

  ‘Sort of cabaret act. To pass the evening. No telly here, you know. That’s my friend,’ I added. ‘The pale chap on the bed.’

  ‘What a lovely doggie,’ said the Jellybone sisters, untangling themselves and patting the thing.

  ‘And where the devil did you get to, may I ask?’ I demanded, eyeing Dolores pretty severely.

  ‘Darling, it was hell in the kennels today. I’d never have made it at all if Miss Treadburn hadn’t given me a lift in her car. As it is, I had to bring one of the boarders with me. You’d never imagine the crush this weekend, with absolutely everyone going on their holiday. We even had an alligator, if you please.’

  ‘Quite,’ I interrupted, feeling it was urgent to cut down the establishment of co-respondents a bit. ‘Thank you, ladies,’ I told the Jellybone Sisters, who seemed to have finished the midnight matinée. ‘You’ve been very sweet, and if you’d now be kind enough to push off once my friend has written you a cheque–’

  ‘Yes, of course, cheque,’ mumbled Miles, feeling for his pen.

  ‘I must say, I didn’t expect a party,’ observed Dolores. ‘It’s a bit unusual, but I’m for anything to break the monotony. Dingo, don’t bite the gentleman.’ The dog was sniffing Miles, though he didn’t look to me particularly appetising at the moment. ‘Where do you want me to sleep?’ she added, slipping off her coat.

  ‘We’ll go into that when I’ve cleared the stage for the next scene.’

  ‘Oh, very well, darling. You know best. Have you got a cigarette? I’m simply dying for one.’

  ‘In a second, damn it!’ I told her testily, trying to help Miles write the cheque. ‘Just as soon as we’re alone,’

  There was a knock on the door.

  ‘Mrs Grimsdyke,’ announced the porter resignedly. ‘Then you’d better make it five Guinnesses,’ I exclaimed. ‘Oh, hello,’ was all I could think of adding, with a stupid sort of grin. ‘You don’t care much for Guinness, Connie, do you?’

  19

  ‘Perhaps I intrude?’ began Connie.

  ‘Darling!’ Miles came to life. ‘My beloved! My heart’s easel My angel pie! Have you the car? Take me back home instantly.’

  ‘That’s exactly why I came down,’ Connie added calmly. ‘Though I didn’t expect to find myself so heavily outnumbered.’

  Connie’s arrival, naturally, raised even more interest than the dog’s. The Jellybone Sisters stood in a group and giggled. Dolores gave her a long look and announced, ‘Won’t anyone give me a cigarette?’ The mastiff itself started growling at Miles’ sponge bag. I leant against the hat stand, and I could only feel thankful that at least we seemed to have come to the end of our visiting list.

  ‘I didn’t know you were intending to settle in the East, Miles,’ Connie continued dryly. ‘You know how the heat upsets you so.’

  ‘East? Me? What east?’

  ‘Running off with one woman, I can understand. But I assure you four would never pass in South Kensington.’

  ‘The whole picture is completely and totally false,’ Miles declared. ‘It was all cooked up, my love, honestly. All for the – well, for the divorce,’

  ‘So, Miles, you really intend to force me into divorcing you?’

  ‘No, no, no!’ exclaimed Miles. ‘Not for a moment, really. Nothing was further from my thoughts.’

  Connie raised her eyebrows. ‘Then what arc you up to, for heaven’s sake? Running a fresh-air home for the ladies of London?’

  ‘I told you, it’s entirely a put-up job. It was Gaston who made me do all this.’

  ‘So.’ Connie eyed me,

  ‘Here, I say–’ I protested.

  ‘I begin to see,’ added Connie.

  ‘Look here, Connie, it’s nothing whatever to do with me–’

  ‘Did you or did you not organize this present gathering?’ Connie demanded.

  ‘Well…yes, of course, I organized it,’ I admitted shortly. ‘You don’t suppose Miles could have risen to it, do you?’

  ‘Oh,’ said Connie quietly.

  ‘I shall positively expire if I don’t have a cigarette this very minute,’ Dolores informed everyone.

  ‘Perhaps we’d better be going, dear,’ murmured Gertie.

  ‘Yes, it’s been lovely,’ agreed Cissy.

  The dog finished eating Miles’ sponge bag, and finding itself at a loose end sat under the washbasin and barked.

  ‘I see,’ Connie went on. ‘You, Gaston, worked your wicked wiles to estrange us, so that you could slip round behind your own cousin’s back and thrust your bestial attentions on me.’

  ‘What’s all this?’ demanded Miles, advancing on me a bit.

  ‘I like that!’ I now felt thoroughly narked. ‘I’ve never thrust anything on Connie in my life, except those cheap olives you provide at those rotten parties of yours.’

  ‘Pustule,’ muttered Miles, who seemed to have made a complete recovery from his attack of vertigo. ‘Pathogenic organism.’

  ‘Coo,’ said Gertie.

  ‘If I can’t have a cigarette, I must have a drink,’ remarked Dolores. ‘Do you suppose if I ring the bell it will get up the old man from the hall?’

  ‘Miles, you fool!’ I brought down my fist on the commode. ‘Surely you can’t really believe I’m a snake wriggling in your front lawn? Dash it, I’m your cousin! I’d never dream of misbehaving myself in the slightest with Connie.’

  ‘He tried the other week,’ said Connie evenly. ‘Twice.’

  ‘Leprous bacterium,’ growled Miles, approaching closer.

  ‘But can’t you understand? I agreed to help Connie with the divorce only for old times’ sake–’

  ‘Old times what, you moral streptococcus?’ muttered Miles.

  ‘Well…damnation, I mean to say, Connie and I were mildly chummy before you slid her up to the altar…’

  ‘Gaston, you putrefying abscess! You never told me this.’

  ‘Mildly chummy,’ I repeated. ‘I merely took her up the river when you were on duty at St Swithin’s. I thought you knew? And anyway, what the hell’s the odds at this stage?’

  ‘It was at this very hotel,’ chipped in Connie, ‘that Gaston and I stayed the week-end he drove me down to Whortleton.’

  ‘You toxin,’ cried Miles, and caught me no end of a sock in the epigastric region.

  The Jellybone Sisters gave a scream, the dog started barking again, and someone in the next room began hammering on the wall.

  ‘What sort of a hotel is this?’ demanded Dolores. ‘Nobody answers the bells.’

  ‘Miles!’ exclaimed Connie, as I bent puffing over the commode. ‘How wonderful you are.’

  ‘As much as I decry the use of brute force, my love, I would never hesitate to use it to expunge any smear on the name of my dear wife.’

  ‘Oh, Miles! Just look at Gaston – the way he’s gasping. How strong you must be!’

  ‘Although I naturally pride myself on my intellectual attainments – even more perhaps than on my strength of character – I assure you that self-appreciation of my physical prowess is curbed only by my natural modesty.’

  ‘Darling Miles,’ breathed Connie, collapsing on him.

  ‘Come, beloved. Now let us make our way back to our little home.’

  ‘Here, I say,’ I protested, rubbing my middle. ‘You two can’t just clear off and leave me alone with the ruddy harem,’

  ‘Why not, pray?’ glared Miles, shovelling the bits of sponge bag into his case. ‘You got yourself into the mess. You can’t expect me to get you out again.’

  ‘I am sure,’ added Connie, ‘that a man of Gaston’s type will not be slow to take the utmost advantage of his present company.’

  ‘I’m about sick and tired of the way you’re carrying on towards me, Connie,’ I exploded, ‘just because you’ve decided you want to saddle old Miles again. It was a different story that evening you came round to my flat with the woolly slippers. You were all over me, t
o get me in the frame of mind to fix up this ghastly business.’

  ‘How dare you talk to my wife like that,’ rasped Miles, advancing again. ‘I intend to deal you further trauma in the abdomen.’

  ‘Don’t waste your strength, my precious,’ said Connie. ‘The creature isn’t worth it.’

  ‘We really must be going, and that’s a fact,’ announced Gertie.

  ‘Doesn’t anyone answer the damned bells in this place?’ complained Dolores.

  ‘I will treat you with the contempt you deserve.’ Miles picked up his suitcase. ‘Please pack up my things in your flat and have them sent round by messenger. How fortunate, my love,’ he continued to Connie, ‘that you found your way here before Gaston dragged me to even murkier depths.’

  ‘Hey! How the devil did Connie know where you were anyway?’

  ‘Naturally, I left my address,’ Miles scowled from the door. ‘I am still expecting any moment a summons from Mr Odysseus.’

  ‘Oh, the summons,’ said Connie. ‘It’s arrived.’

  ‘Excellent,’ said Miles.

  Connie gave a little laugh. ‘Yes, for assault. He was the one you hit in the night-club.’

  ‘Oh,’ said Miles,

  ‘He called to see you that day, and I felt the least I could do was agree to show him the sights.’

  ‘Oh,’ said Miles

  ‘But I don’t think he’s going to proceed with the case, because he’s gone back to Greece. Taking his money-bags with him, I’m afraid.’

  ‘Oh,’ said Miles,

  ‘Which jolly well serves you right,’ I shouted.

  He slammed the door.

  20

  There was a silence. I gave my middle another rub and rapidly tried to sort things out. I may have had all manner of internal bruising in the abdomen, I reflected, but at least I had the consolation of Miles coming out of the affair worse than me. The Odysseus millions certainly wouldn’t oil his way towards the House of Lords, after a few years sweating it out among the delinquents. And now Miles was out of the room the Whortleton situation began to clear a little. All I had to do was disperse the troops, pass a day recovering in the sea breezes, then meet Dame Hilda and Anemone off the London train on Monday afternoon as arranged, with some story about Miles and his missus having leapt at the chance of a spare bed by the briny. Meanwhile, I had to get some sleep.

  ‘Right ho, ladies, thank you very much,’ I announced. ‘I think it’s time the party broke up. And so does that chap in the next room, by the way he’s hammering on the wall.’

  ‘It’s been delightful,’ said Gertie.

  ‘Yes, ever so,’ agreed Cissy.

  ‘We hardly ever go out these days at all,’ added Joan.

  ‘Glad you’ve enjoyed it. If you will now allow me to escort you downstairs–’

  ‘There’s just one thing,’ said Gertie.

  ‘Yes, there is, isn’t there?’ nodded Cissy. ‘Just a very little thing,’ concurred Joan.

  ‘What little thing?’ I asked, rather shortly.

  ‘Our cash,’ said Genie.

  ‘The lolly,’ pointed out Cissy.

  ‘Yes, the crinkly,’ observed Joan. ‘Our hundred quid.’

  ‘A promise is a promise.’

  ‘Your friend never gave us the cheque.’

  ‘You might give me mine while you’re at it, darling,’ interrupted Dolores, still pressing the bell.

  ‘Don’t worry about the cheque, girls,’ I said lightly. ‘My friend may be a worm, but I guarantee he’ll be perfectly honourable and send you the money as soon as he remembers in the morning. Otherwise, of course, he’d be scared stiff of you blackmailing him.’

  ‘I’d rather have it now, please,’ said Gertie.

  ‘On the nail.’

  ‘Fair’s fair.’

  ‘It’s useless asking me,’ I told the three Jellybones. ‘Because I haven’t got a hundred quid.’

  ‘We’re not leaving till we’ve been paid,’ insisted Gertie. ‘And believe me, we’ve had plenty of experience getting our proper rights from nasty managements before now.’

  ‘Remember what we did at Blackpool?’ asked Cissy.

  ‘When they had to call the police,’ Joan reminded her.

  ‘If no one answers this bell soon I’m going to scream,’ said Dolores,

  ‘For lord’s sake be reasonable!’ I remonstrated. ‘I promise you’ll all be paid within the next twenty-four hours. If you like, I’ll actually ring up the blasted chap and remind him. Though if you would care to blackmail him, anyway,’ I nodded, ‘it’s perfectly all right with me.’

  ‘No cash, no go,’ said the Jellybone Sisters at once.

  ‘If you’re being sticky with the money, darling,’ added Dolores, ‘I’d like to remind you I’ve some very strong-minded gentlemen friends in Town.’

  ‘Now look here, I’ve had more than enough pushing about for one evening,’ I announced, losing patience with the blasted gaggle. ‘If you ladies want to stay in Whortleton until Doomsday you’re welcome to the room. Personally I’m pushing off to doss down under the pier. Good night!’

  As I grabbed my raincoat there was a knock on the door.

  The porter appeared.

  ‘Excuse me bothering you again, sir. But I have a gentleman here who seems anxious to see you. Name of Sir Lancelot Spratt.’

  ‘Sir Lancelot – ?’

  ‘All right, porter, I’ll let myself in if the boy’s not asleep,’ came the familiar voice from outside. ‘Ah, Grimsdyke, there you are – What the devil’s going on here? What are all these people doing? Take that damned dog away,’ he added, coming into the bedroom with Dame Hilda and Anemone.

  ‘Who,’ demanded Dame Hilda generally, ‘are you?’

  ‘Mrs Grimsdyke,’ said all my four guests.

  ‘I can explain everything,’ I started.

  ‘Please don’t.’

  ‘Look here, Grimsdyke, if I had known you were this type of feller I certainly wouldn’t have taken you to New York last month.’

  ‘New York? I thought you were in Cheltenham?’

  ‘Well – er, not quite Cheltenham, actually.’

  Dame Hilda turned to Anemone. ‘Please give it to me, my child.’

  ‘Give you what, Mummy?’

  ‘The ring, naturally. Sir Lancelot, perhaps you would drive us to some other accommodation? As for you, Dr Grimsdyke, when I imagined you had merely forgotten to cancel these rooms I was blissfully unaware of the depravity concealed below your deceptively witless exterior. Come, Anemone.’

  ‘I should like to see you, Grimsdyke, in the morning,’ ended Sir Lancelot. ‘You will meet me at nine by the bandstand.’

  They left.

  ‘Will that be all, sir?’ asked the porter.

  ‘I sincerely hope so,’ I told him.

  He sighed. ‘Dear me, sir. We have a lot to learn I fear, sir.’

  ‘How right you are,’ I agreed.

  I managed to get rid of the Jellybones in the end by giving them a cheque for fifty on account. Dolores spent the night in number ten, and I slept in Miles’ room, with the dog. And in the morning the ruddy kippers were cold, anyway.

  21

  I was broken-hearted, of course. The evening had bulldozed my life to ruins. Miles and Connie regarded me no longer as their private marriage counsellor, but as a refugee from the Reptile House gone to earth in the family bosom. And instead of being engaged to the nicest girl in the world I had only an ache in my soul and a ring in my pocket, which I bet I wouldn’t get more than fifty per cent back on, either.

  Equally galling, I felt, as I made my way back to London alone that Sunday morning, was nobody believing my innocence. I was as shining white as if recently rubbed down by one of those ruddy detergents that kept appearing in the middle of my television programme. And the whole world was insisting on treating me like Jack the Ripper’s little brother.

  ‘I must say, Grimsdyke, your stature has grown considerably in my estimation,’ Sir Lancelot had started
genially at the bandstand. ‘To take one girl to the seaside under the nose of one’s prospective mother-in-law is quite an achievement. But four! My dear feller, Don Juan himself would have thrown up the sponge. And that’s not even taking account of the dog.’

  ‘I assure you, sir,’ I insisted hastily, ‘there is a perfectly proper explanation.’

  ‘It is quite unnecessary to try it on me. I am no schoolboy, Grimsdyke. I understand these things. It is, incidentally,’ he added, ‘equally unnecessary for you to try it on Dame Hilda. She simply wouldn’t listen.’

  ‘I rather felt that would be the case, sir,’ I said dully.

  ‘All bad luck on you, of course,’ Sir Lancelot continued cheerfully, as we strolled in the early breezes along the prom.

  ‘I still can’t understand,’ I confessed, feeling like the remains of the Light Brigade at Balaclava, ‘exactly why you three turned up here at all.’

  ‘I rather fear you must lay the blame for that on my wife.’

  ‘On Lady Spratt, sir?’

  ‘Yes. When Dame Hilda’s party of delinquent teenagers followed us down from London, she promptly sent their motorbus back again. It was very strange,’ remarked Sir Lancelot, exchanging a glance with the stuffed shark outside the Aquarium. ‘I had always believed my wife and Dame Hilda to be such firm friends. But my wife was behaving oddly the entire two days before the girls joined us. I must confess she made something of a scene just because Dame Hilda kept inviting me to tell my favourite fishing stories and show her how delightful the rose garden looked in the moonlight. I fancy the stay in Majorca did my wife no good. As the atmosphere became somewhat strained and I had business in London anyway, I agreed, after telephoning you vainly, to drive Dame Hilda down here. With her daughter – who, let me tell you, my boy, is not one quarter the woman that her mother is.’

  ‘Quite, sir.’

  Sir Lancelot paused to set his watch by the floral clock. ‘I must confess that I should have preferred to pass the night as arranged in the room reserved for yourself, instead of a commercial hotel with beds I intend to report to the British Travel Association and sanitation I intend to report to the Medical Officer of Health. But doubtless you put the accommodation to better use.’