Saving All My Lovin'

by Donna Hill

  Chapter 15

  “It’s been a rough week,” Ellie said. She lifted a cup of coffee to her lips. “Thank goodness we finally got the extra help.”

  “I know. We couldn’t have held up much longer.” Barbara chuckled and took two English muffins out of the toaster then put them on a plate on the island counter. Sunday morning gospel from WBLS FM played softly in the background.

  “Butter or jelly?”

  “Cream cheese.”

  Barbara shook her head and grinned. Elizabeth loved cream cheese and would look for any opportunity to lather it on something.

  Barbara got the butter, jelly and cream cheese from the fridge and put them on the table. She took a seat opposite Elizabeth, wrapped her hands around her mug of coffee and looked across at her friend.

  “I never told you about Wil Hutchinson,” she began before spreading grape jelly on her muffin.

  Elizabeth frowned for an instant and shook her head. “No, I don’t think so. But…” she pointed a finger toward Barbara. “Isn’t that the guy who came to the spa?”

  Barbara nodded.

  “I thought there was something going on there, but…” She shrugged. “So what’s going on?”

  “Wil and I met in high school. Then we both attended Howard University together.”

  Elizabeth relaxed in her seat.

  “When I saw him again, everything came rushing back like it was yesterday.”

  Elizabeth smiled. “So you two must have been pretty hot.”

  “More than that. We were in love. Really in love. We had plans.” She gazed off into the distance.

  “So…what happened?”

  “I got pregnant.”

  Elizabeth’s eyes widened. “Pregnant?”

  Barbara nodded. She pressed her lips together.

  “He left you because you got pregnant?”

  “No. I left him.”

  “Barb, I’m not understanding. Start from the beginning.”

  She drew in a long breath and slowly exhaled. “Wil and I originally met through a friend in high school. He was the captain of the football team. The minute I saw Wil, you know that funny feeling you get in the pit of your stomach?”

  Elizabeth bobbed her head up and down.

  “Well I got it…bad.” She laughed lightly.

  “Gurl.” Elizabeth rocked back in her chair and slapped the table with her palm. “I sho’nuff know that feeling,” she said, thinking of when she saw Ron for the first time.

  Barbara laughed as the joy of those days washed over her. “Anyway, we really hit it off from the beginning. Every girl in school wished she was me.”

  “I hear ya.”

  “Wil was a year ahead of me. He went onto Howard and I swore that I was going to follow him there as soon as I graduated.”

  “Which you did.”

  Barbara sighed. “My parents were so strict. I was an only child and a girl. My father was a Pentecostal minister.”

  “I never knew that.”

  “Religion was his world, almost to the exclusion of everything else. I didn’t have a social life unless it had something to do with church. No boyfriends, no dating.”

  “So how did you manage to get involved with Wil?”

  “Sneaking around. My friend Margaret, the one who introduced us, would cover for me. She was the only person that my parents trusted me to be with.” She chuckled. “I’d tell my parents that we were doing work in the church or at the library. Once I was able to get away, I’d meet up with Wil.” She closed her eyes for a moment. “I was so in love. When he left to go away to school I truly thought I was dying inside. It was the longest year of my life. My folks were dead set against me going away to school. Told me no good would come to me in some big city like Washington or New York. They wouldn’t hear of it.”

  “So how did you manage to get into Howard?”

  “I worked after school and every single day during the summer. Saved every dime. I bought a train ticket from Walterboro South Carolina to Washington, D.C. for the next to the last week in August. I never told my parents.” She swallowed. “I just got on that train and went to see Wil.”

  “Barbara, you didn’t tell your parents? They must have been frantic.”

  “I wrote them and told them I was safe. Didn’t give them a return address or anything.”

  “But…where did you live?”

  “Wil had a small studio apartment off campus. That’s where we lived. I worked during the day while Wil went to school. I saved my money to pay for two classes the next semester. That’s when I found out I was pregnant.”

  Elizabeth reached across the table and covered Barbara’s hand.

  “I was terrified. I didn’t know what to do. I was too afraid to tell Wil. I couldn’t go home. I knew having a baby would ruin everything for Wil. His plans and dreams of going into the NFL would have come to a halt.” She clenched her hand. “So I ran. Wil went to school one morning and I left. I came to New York.”

  “But what happened with the baby?”

  Barbara bit down on her bottom lip. “I got a room at the local YWCA and started hunting down clinics that would…help me.”

  “Barb, you don’t have to tell me anymore.”

  Barbara held up her hand. “No. I want to. I need to. I’ve held this in for so many years.” Her eyes cinched at the corners. She stared into Elizabeth’s eyes. “You’re the first person I’ve ever said anything to about this.” She was quiet for a moment, feeling for the words, hoping they didn’t still hurt as deeply when she said them aloud. “I went to the clinic. The women there were so helpful and sympathetic to me. They gave me several options. They would help me find housing and a part-time job and I could raise the baby myself as a single mother or I could put the baby up for adoption.” She shook her head slowly.

  “When I walked in there all I wanted was for it to be over. I didn’t want to have to think about it for a minute longer than I had to. But the thought of going through with it…or giving my baby up to strangers, never knowing it or it knowing me…or raising it alone at nineteen…” Her voice cracked with pain. She wiped her eyes. “I felt so trapped.” She looked into Elizabeth’s eyes, the haunting agony still evident. “I took the information with me back to the Y, to think about it, you know.” Elizabeth held Barbara’s hand as if to give her strength. “Life is funny. When you can’t make a choice it just steps right in and makes it for you. I went to bed that night and when I woke up I was in the hospital.”

  “What? What happened?”

  “Sometime during the night I started bleeding. The pain was excruciating. I was able to make it to the bathroom in the hallway that was shared on my floor. That’s the last thing I remember.”

  “Oh, Barbara, I…I’m so sorry.”

  “When I woke up my mother was sitting in the chair by my bed.”

  Elizabeth gasped.

  “She said I could have come to her even though my father never wanted to see me again.” Her short laugh was an empty sound. “She stayed until I was released from the hospital then she went back home. The doctors told me I’d had an entopic pregnancy and probably wouldn’t be able to have children.”

  Elizabeth lowered her head, not able to imagine how devastating that news was to someone so young.

  Barbara drew herself up. “Anyway, a few years later I met Marvin.” She shrugged. “And the rest you know.”

  “Did Marvin know?”

  Barbara shook her head. “We simply resigned ourselves to not having children. What has haunted me all these years was that after I left the clinic, I’d made up my mind to go through with having the baby and taking care of it myself. A part of me always felt that I was being punished for even thinking about taking a life.”

  “You don’t really believe that do you?”

  “Years of being browbeaten by religion does things to you. I would say a million prayers for forgiveness anytime Wil and I would make love. I just knew I was going straight to hell. I guess my penance was
never being able to have children of my own.”

  “Barbara, we all make mistakes. Especially when we’re young. If there is one thing that I believe it’s that God is a merciful God. Bad things happen to good people all the time.”

  “I suppose.” She looked at Elizabeth. “So there you have it, my sordid, dark past.” She brought the mug to her lips and took a sip. “And now my past is right here in front of me once again.”

  “How do you feel about Wil?”

  She tugged on her bottom lip with her teeth for a moment. “Honestly?”

  “Yes, honestly.”

  “I never stopped loving him. Never.”

  “Then you have a decision to make my friend.”

  Barbara looked off into the distance then down at the diamond sparkling on the third finger of her left hand. “I know.”

  Wil finished his mail route and returned to the main post office to check out. He couldn’t remember what he did for the entire day. All he could think about was Barbara. He still could not believe that after all these years he’d run into her again.

  He returned his mail cart and punched out. Stepping out into the chilling November air he took a look around as if seeing the city he’d lived in for years for the first time. He zipped up his wool jacket and hunched his shoulders against the stiff wind and started home. Since his wife died, he’d resigned himself to being alone, at least with regard to a relationship. His focus had been on raising Chauncey to the exclusion of everything else. Now, with his son on the threshold of stepping out into the world on his own, he would really be alone.

  Was Barbara seeing anyone? Had she ever married? Did she have children? She was still just as sweet and as beautiful as he remembered. But with that memory came a pain he’d never quite gotten over—the day she disappeared.

  She was simply gone as if she’d never been there. He’d come home from class, excited about having an NFL scout check him out at practice. They wanted to talk, but he wanted to talk to Barbara first. If he did get drafted to the NFL he wanted them to be married first. He’d come home ready to pop the big question…

  His throat tightened as the images of an empty apartment suddenly loomed before him. All that was left of their relationship was a cursory note. “It’s best this way. Please don’t look for me. Barbara.”

  To this day he couldn’t understand why she’d done it. How could she have hurt him that way? For months he’d walked around in a trance, barely getting through his days. It effected his playing and ultimately cost him everything.

  The team had been in the middle of a scrimmage. He couldn’t concentrate. He went out to receive a pass and the next thing he knew he was crumpled in a heap, his right leg twisted at an odd angle. Any thoughts of going to the NFL were shattered just like his leg.

  The bus pulled up to the stop and Wil got on board. Stepping on, he found a seat in the back. He stared out the window as the bus rumbled down Amsterdam Avenue and images of those painful days rolled by and how his love for Barbara turned into something ugly.

  While he lay in the hospital with a series of pins and braces on his leg he hated her. Hated her for leaving him, hated her for loving him, hated her for taking away his dream.

  It was Kimberly who’d nursed him back to health, stuck with him through rehab and helped to mend his broken heart. So he married her. In a way it was to thank her for being there for him. He couldn’t say he truly loved Kim because in his heart, as much as his anger tarnished the image of Barbara, he knew he’d never love anyone other than her.

  It wasn’t fair to Kim. He knew it but he couldn’t help it.

  “She’s gone, Wil. Gone,” she’d said time and again. “When are you going to let it go? I’m you’re wife, the mother of your child, but all you care about is Barbara!”

  He had no answer for her. It was true. And then one day Kim couldn’t take it anymore and she walked out.

  The bus came to his stop and he pulled himself up from his seat and got off.

  As the years passed and as Chauncey grew, Barbara got pushed to the back of his mind. His anger and disappointment had waned over the years. And then there she was.

  He turned the key in his door. He had to find out what happened back then. She owed him an explanation.

  Chapter 16

  Sterling had been thinking about his conversation with Nick. He was no punk and he certainly wasn’t afraid of some woman’s scorn. He pushed papers around on his desk.

  Why had Ann Marie gotten under his skin the way she had? What was it about her that was so different from any other woman he’d tapped?

  Everything.

  He blew out a breath of exasperation.

  It wasn’t supposed to go down the way it had. His feelings weren’t supposed to get all twisted out of shape. But they had.

  He hadn’t slept a wink since she’d left and concentrating on the case file in front of him was out of the question. He flipped the folder closed and pushed back from his desk.

  He stood, grabbed his coat from rack by the door and headed out. He was going to treat Ann Marie like one of his cases. He intended to win.

  This time when he arrived at Pause he was surprised to see some new faces, the most prominent being a very buff man who was seated near the door.

  “Good afternoon, welcome to Pause. Do you have your membership card, sir?” the man asked.

  Sterling wrinkled his face for a moment and glanced at the name tag on the muscular chest. Drew Hawkins. Sterling dug inside his suit jacket and extracted his wallet. He flipped through his array of credit cards until he found his spa membership. He showed it to him.

  Drew looked at the card then at Sterling. He nodded and handed it back. “Enjoy your stay. Be sure to check in at the front desk.”

  Sterling mumbled under his breath while shoving the wallet back in his pocket. He crossed the entry foyer to the reception desk. Again he was met with a new face. This name tag read Tina.

  She beamed at him. “Good afternoon. Are you a member?”

  “Yes.”

  “Great!” she chirped. “May I have your card to sign you into the system?”

  He went through the process again. Tina put his information into the computer. She stared at the screen a few moments then handed back his card.

  “I see you don’t have an appointment for any of our special services. Would you like to schedule a massage?”

  “No. Thanks. Actually, I’m looking for Ann Marie.”

  “Oh. Let me page her.” She picked up the phone and called for Ann Marie to come to the front desk. “She should be here shortly.”

  “Thank you.” Sterling leaned against the counter while he waited for Ann Marie to appear. Then he turned to Tina. “Who’s Mr. Universe at the door?”

  Tina grinned. “That’s Drew Hawkins, security.”

  “I didn’t realize the spa needed security.”

  Tina shrugged. “I just started three days ago. He was here when I got here.”

  “Hmm.”

  He glanced toward the café and saw Ann Marie coming in his direction. When she saw him, her steady gait faltered for a moment. He saw her lift her chin then continue toward him.

  “Sterling,” she said by way of a greeting.

  “Can we go somewhere and talk?”

  Ann Marie snatched a glance at Tina who was pretending not to be eavesdropping. “We can talk in the office,” she said barely above a whisper, then turned and headed for the stairs.

  The office door was open. Ann Marie walked in, stood to the side to let Sterling pass then closed the door behind him. She crossed the room.

  “I wasn’t expecting you,” she said, keeping her back to him.

  “I’m going to get right to the point.”

  She turned slowly toward him, keeping her eyes level with his.

  “I will admit that when we first met, it was all about just checking you out and moving on. Finding out about Terrance should have sealed the deal for me. With any other woman it would have.” He s
lid his hands into his pockets, his expression stoic. “But something happened Ann Marie.” He looked directly at her. “The game I’d been playing with relationships wasn’t all that it was cracked up to be. I want more. I want you.”

  Ann Marie didn’t know where to look. She wanted to believe him. She wanted to give in and simply let the relationship go wherever it was meant to go. But if it did, she was certain she would fall victim to the weakness of her heart.

  She dared look at him and in that instant she was lost.

  “I’m afraid,” she whispered.

  Sterling took a step toward her then another, until he was right up on her. He lifted her chin with the tip of his finger. “Look at me.” She did. “So am I,” he confessed.

  A shaky smile formed at the corners of her mouth. “How are we going to do this?”

  “Slow and easy.” His gaze darkened with mischief.

  Ann Marie ran a finger down the center of his chest. “I like the sound of that.”

  Sterling lowered his head until his lips were inches away from hers. He hesitated a moment, cupped the back of her head in his palm and pulled her forward.

  The kiss set her on fire. She felt her entire being engulfed in heat. Her heart pounded in her chest. She rose up on her toes and instinctively her arms wrapped around his waist sealing his body to hers.

  Her mind warred with her heart. Instinct told her to run, leave this man and all the complications that came with him alone. But her heart, her spirit, needed what Sterling offered her—a chance—a chance at real happiness.

  With much reluctance Sterling eased back. He stroked her cheek. Damn he had it bad for this woman. She’d worked some kind of magic on him. He knew what he was letting himself in for, but he didn’t care. All he knew was that for as long as time allowed he wanted her in his life. Somehow they’d work out all the rest. They had to.

  “I’d better go.”

  All she could do was nod her head.

  “I’m playing tonight at the Lennox Lounge. I’d love it if you came.”

  Her eyes brightened. “Really? What time?”

  “First set is at eight.”