Myth-Ing Persons m-5

by Robert Asprin

  "Honest, Aahz," I protested, trying to untangle myself. "I've never seen him before in my life!"

  "Oh, but forgive me," the beast said, releasing me so suddenly I almost fell. "I am so stupeed, I forget to introduce. So! I am an artist extraordinaire, but also, I am ze finest track-air in ze land. My friends, the Woof Writers, they have told me of your problem and I have flown like ze wind to aid you. No? I am Pepe Le Garou A. and I am at your service."

  With that, he swept into a low bow with a flourish that if I hadn't been so flabbergasted I would have applauded. It occurred to me that now I knew why the Woof Writers had snickered when they told us they knew of someone who could help.

  "Boss," Guido said, his voice muffled by his hand, which he was holding over his nose and mouth. "Shall I wait outside?"

  Tananda cocked an eyebrow at him.

  "Allergy problems? Here, try some of this. No dimension traveler should be without it."

  She produced a small vial and tossed it to my bodyguard. "Rub some onto your upper lip just below your nose."

  "Gee, thanks," Guido said, following her instructions. "What is it?"

  "It's a counter-allergenic paste." She shrugged. "I think it has a garlic base."

  "WHAT?" my bodyguard exclaimed, dropping the vial.

  Tananda favored him with one of her impish grins. "Just kidding. Nunzio was worried about you and told us about your allergies… all of them." Her brother swatted her lightly on the rump. "Shame on you, little sister," he said, smiling in spite of himself. "After you get done apologizing to Guido, I suggest you do the same for our host. I think you nearly gave him a heart attack with that last little joke."

  This was, of course, just what I needed while stranded in a hostile dimension. A nervous vampire, a melodramatic werewolf, and now my teammates decide it's time to play practical jokes on each other.

  "Ummm… tell me, Mr. A.," I said, ignoring my other problems and turning to the werewolf. "Do you think you can…"

  "No, non," he interrupted. "Eet is simply Pepe, eh?"

  "Pepe A.," I repeated dutifully.

  "Zat's right," he beamed, apparently delighted with my ability to learn a simple phrase. "Now, before we… how you say, get down to ze business, would you do me ze hon-air of introducing me to your colleagues?"

  "Oh. Sorry. This is my partner, Aahz. He's…"

  "But of course! Ze famous Aahz! I have so long wished to meet you."

  If there's anything that can coax Aahz out of a bad mood, it's flattery… and Pepe seemed to be an expert in that category.

  "You've heard of me?" he blinked. "I mean… what exactly have you heard? There have been so many adventures over the years."

  "Do you not remem-bair Piere? I was raised from a pup on his tales of your fight with Isstvan."

  "Piere? You know Piere?"

  "Do I know him? He is my uncle!"

  "No kidding. Hey, Tananda! Did you hear that? Pepe here's Piere's nephew. Wait'll we tell Gus."

  I retired from the conversation, apparently forgotten in the reunion.

  "Say, Skeeve," Vilhelm said, appearing at my side. "It looks like this could take a while. Should I break out the wine?"

  That got my attention.

  "Wine? You've got wine?"

  "Stocked up on it after your last visit," the vampire admitted with a grin. "Figured it might come in handy the next time you came through. I may gripe a bit, but talking to you and your friends is a lot more fun than watching the tubes."

  "Well bring it out… but I get the first glass. Unless you've got lots there won't be much left after my partner there gets his claws on it."

  I turned back to the proceedings just in time to see Pepe kissing my apprentice's hand.

  "Do not be afraid, my little flow-air," he was saying. "Here is one who truly appreciates your beauty, as well as… how should I say it, its quantity?"

  "You're kinda cute," Massha giggled. "But I never did go in much for inter-species dating, if you get my drift."

  I caught Aahz's attention and drew him away from the group.

  "Could you take over for a while here, partner?" I said. "I've been running nonstop since the start of this thing and could use a little time by myself to recharge my batteries before we fire up again."

  "No problem," he nodded, laying a hand on my shoulder. "I figure we won't be moving before sunup… and Skeeve? I haven't had a chance to say it, but thanks for the bail-out."

  "Don't mention it," I grinned weakly. "Tell me you wouldn't do the same for me."

  "Don't know," he retorted. "You've never suckerpunched me at the beginning of a caper."

  "Now that I still owe you for."

  Just then, Vilhelm appeared with the wine, and Aahz hurried away to rejoin the group.

  I managed to snag a goblet and retired to a secluded corner while the party went into high gear. Pepe seemed to be fitting in well with the rest of the team, if not functioning as a combination jester and spark plug, but somehow I felt a bit distant. Sipping my wine, I stared off into the distance at nothing in particular, letting my thoughts wander.

  "What's the trouble, handsome?"

  "Hmmm? Oh. Hi, Tananda. Nothing in particular. Just a little tired, that's all."

  "Mind if I join you?" she said, dropping to the floor beside me before I could stop her. "So. Are you going to tell me about it? Who is she?"

  I turned my head slowly to look at her directly.

  "I beg your pardon?"

  She kept her eyes averted, idly running one finger around the rim of her goblet.

  "Look," she said, "if you don't want to talk about it, just say so… it's really none of my business. Just don't try to kid me or yourself that there's nothing bothering you. I've known you a long time now, and I can usually tell when there's something eating you. My best guess right now, if I'm any judge of the phenomenon, is that it's a girl."

  Ever since I'd met Tananda, I'd had a crush on her. With her words, though, I suddenly realized how badly I wanted someone to talk to. I mean, to Guido and Massha I was an authority figure, and I wasn't about to open up to Aahz until I was sure he'd take the problem seriously and not just laugh, and as for Chumley… how do you talk about woman problems with a troll?

  "Okay. You got me," I said, looking back into my wine. "It's a girl."

  "I thought so," Tananda smiled. "Where have you been keeping her? Tell me, is she beautiful and sensitive?"

  "All that and more." I nodded, taking another drink from my goblet. "She's also on the wrong side."

  "Woops," Tananda said, straightening up. "You'd better run that one past me again."

  I filled her in on my encounters with Luanna. I tried to keep it unbiased and informative, but even I could tell that my tones were less controlled than I would have liked.

  Tananda sat in silence for a few moments after I'd finished, hugging her legs and with her chin propped up on her knees.

  "Well," she said at last, "from what you say, she's an accomplice at best. Maybe we can let her go after we get them all rounded up."

  "Sure."

  My voice was flat. Both Tananda and I knew that once Aahz got on his high horse there was no telling how merciful or vicious he would be at any given point.

  "Well, there's always a chance," she insisted. "Aahz has always had a soft spot where you're concerned. If you intercede for her, and if she's willing to abandon her partners…"

  "… and, if a table had wings, we could fly it back to the Bazaar." I frowned. "No, Tananda. First of all, she won't give up her partners just because they're in a crunch. That much I know. Besides, if I put that kind of pressure on her, to choose between me and them, I'd never know for sure if she really wanted me or if she was just trying to save her own skin." Tananda got to her feet.

  "Don't become so wise that you're stupid, Skeeve," she said softly before she left. "Remember, Luanna's already chosen you twice over her partners. Both times she's risked her life and their getaway to pass you a warning. Maybe all she needs i
s what you haven't yet given her-an invitation for a chance at a new life with a new partner. Don't be so proud or insecure that you'd throw a genuine admirer to the wolves rather than run the risk of making a mistake. If you did, I don't think I'd like you much… and I don't think you would either."

  I pondered Tananda's advice after she'd gone. There was one additional complication I hadn't had the nerve to mention to her. Whatever Luanna's feelings for me were, how would they change when she found out I'd used her scarf… her token of affection, to guide a pack of hunters to their target?

  Chapter Fifteen

  "Everybody needs a career manager!"

  -LADY MACBETH

  "So where is he?" Aahz grumbled for the hundredth time… in the last five minutes.

  The sun had been up for hours, or at least as up as it seemed to get in this dimension. Since my arrival in Limbo, I had never seen what I am accustomed to thinking of as full sunlight. Whether the constant heavy overcast condition which seemed to prevail during daylight hours was the result of magic or some strange meteorologic condition I was never sure, but it did nothing to alleviate the air of gloom that clung to the town of Blut like a shroud.

  The whole team was impatient to get started, but Aahz was the only one who indulged himself in expressing his feelings as often… or as loudly. Of course, it might have been simply that he was making so much of a fuss that the others were willing to let him provide the noise for all of them rather than letting their own efforts get constantly upstaged.

  "Just take it easy, partner," I said soothingly, struggling to keep from snapping at him in my own nervous impatience. "There aren't that many all-day stores in this dimension."

  "What do you expect, dealing with a bunch of vampires," he snapped. "I still don't like this idea. Nonmagical disguises seem unnatural somehow."

  I heaved a quiet sigh inside and leaned back to wait, propping my feet up on a chair. This particular quarrel was old before Vilhelm had left on his shopping trip, and I was tired going over it again and again.

  "Be reasonable, Aahz," Tananda said, taking up the slack for me. "You know we can't wander around town like this… especially you with half the city looking for you. We need disguises, and without a decent power source, Skeeve here can't handle disguises for all of us. Besides, it's not like we're using mechanical magic. We won't be using magic at all."

  "That's what everybody keeps telling me," my partner growled. "We're just going to alter our appearances without using spells. That sounds like mechanical magic to me. Do you know what's going to happen to our reputations if word of this gets back to the Bazaar? Particularly with most of the competition looking for a chance to splash a little mud on the Great Skeeve's name? Remember, we're already getting complaints that our prices are too high, and if this gets out…"

  The light dawned. I could finally see what was eating at Aahz. I should have known there was money at the bottom of this.

  "But Aahz," I chimed in, "our fees are overpriced. I've been saying that for months. I mean, it's not like we need the money…"

  "… and I've been telling you for months that it's the only way to keep the riff-raff from draining away all your practice time," he shot back angrily. "Remember, your name's supposed to be the Great Skeeve, not the Red Cross. You don't do charity."

  Now we were on familiar ground. Unlike the disguise thing, this was one argument I never tired of.

  "I'm not talking about charity," I said. "I'm talking about a fair fee for services rendered."

  "Fair fee?" my partner laughed, rolling his eyes. "You mean like that deal you cut with Watzisname? Did he ever tell you about that one, Tananda? We catch a silly bird for this Deveel, see, and my partner charges him a flat fee. Not a percentage, mind you, a flat fee. And how much of a flat fee? A hundred gold pieces? A thousand. No. TEN. Ten lousy gold pieces. And half an hour later the Deveel sells his 'poor little bird' for over a hundred thousand. Nice to know we don't do charity, isn't it?"

  "C'mon, Aahz," I argued, writhing inside. "That was only five minutes' work. How was I supposed to know the silly bird was on the endangered species list? Even you thought it was a good deal until we heard what the final sale was. Besides, if I had held out for a percentage and the Deveel had been legit and never sold the thing, we wouldn't have even gotten ten gold pieces out of it."

  "I never heard the details from your side," Tananda said, "but what I picked up on the streets was that everybody at the Bazaar was really impressed. Most folks think that it's a master-stroke of PR for the hottest magician at the Bazaar to help bring a rarity to the public for a mere fraction of his normal fees. It shows he's something other than a cold-hearted businessman… that he really cares about people."

  "So what's wrong with being a cold-hearted businessman?" Aahz snorted. "How about the other guy? Everybody thinks he's a villain, and he's crying all the way to the bank. He retired on the profit from that one sale alone."

  "Unless Nanny misled me horribly when she taught me my numbers," Chumley interrupted, "I figure your current bankroll could eat that fellow's profit and still have room for lunch. Any reason you're so big on squirreling away so much gold, Aahz? Are you planning on retiring?"

  "No, I'm not planning on retiring," my partner snapped. "And you're missing the point completely. Money isn't the object."

  "It isn't?"

  I think everybody grabbed that line at the same time… even Pepe, who hadn't known Aahz all that long.

  "Of course not. You can always get more gold. What can't be replaced is time. We all know Skeeve here has a long way to go in the magic department. What the rest of you keep forgetting is how short a life span he has to play with… maybe a hundred years if he's lucky. All I'm trying to do is get him the maximum learning time possible… and that means keeping him from using up most of his time on nickel-and-dime adventures. Let the smalltime operators do those. My partner shouldn't have to budge away from his studies unless the assignment is something really spectacular. Something that will advance his reputation and his career."

  There was a long silence while everybody digested that one, especially me. Since Aahz had accepted me as a full partner instead of an apprentice, I tended to forget his role as my teacher and career manager. Thinking back now, I could see he had never really given up the work, just gotten sneakier. I wouldn't have believed that was possible.

  "How about this particular nickel-and-dime adventure?" Tananda said, breaking the silence. "You know, pulling your tail out of a scrape? Isn't this a little lowbrow for the kind of legend you're trying to build?"

  The sarcasm in her voice was unmistakable, but it didn't phase Aahz in the least.

  "If you'll ask around, you'll find out that I didn't want him along on this jaunt at all. In fact, I knocked him cold trying to keep him out. A top-flight magician shouldn't have to stoop to bill collecting, especially when the risk is disproportionately high."

  "Well, it all sounds a little cold-blooded for my taste, Aahz," Chumley put in. "If you extend your logic, our young friend here is only going to work when the danger is astronomically high, and conversely if the advancement to his career is enough, no risk is too great. That sounds to me like a sure-fire way to lose a partner and a friend. Like the Geek says, if you keep bucking the odds, sooner or later they're going to catch up with you."

  My partner spun to confront the troll nose-to-nose.

  "Of course it's going to be dangerous," he snarled. "The magic profession isn't for the faint of heart, and to hit the top he's going to have to be hair-triggered and mean. There's no avoiding that, but I can try to be sure he's ready for it. Why do you think I've been so deadset against him having bodyguards? If he starts relying on other people to watch out for him, he's going to lose the edge himself. That's when he's in danger of walking into a swinging door."

  That brought Guido into the fray.

  "Now let me see if I've got this right," my bodyguard said. "You don't want me and my cousin Nunzio around so that the Boss here
can handle all the trouble himself? That's crazy talk, know what I mean? Now listen to me, 'cause this time I know what I'm sayin'. The higher someone gets on the ladder, the more folks come huntin' for his head. even if they don't do nothin' they got people gunning for them, 'cause they got power and respect and there's always somebody who thinks they can steal it. Now I've seen some of the Big Guys who try to act just like you're sayin'… they're so scared all the time they don't trust nothin' or nobody. The only one they can count on is themselves, and everybody else is suspect. That includes total strangers, their own bodyguards, their friends, and their partners. Think about that for a minute."

  He leaned back and surveyed the room, addressing his next comments to everyone.

  "People like that don't last long. They don't trust nobody, so they got nobody. Ya can't do everything alone and sooner or later they're lookin' the wrong way or asleep when they should be watchin' and it's all over. Now I've done a lot of jobs as a bodyguard, and they were just jobs, know what I mean? The Boss here is different, and I'm not just sayin' that. He's the best man I've met in my whole life because he likes people and ain't afraid to show it. More important, he ain't afraid to risk his neck to help somebody even if it isn't in his best interest. I work double hard for him because I don't want to see anything happen to him… and if that means comin' along on weird trips like this, then that's the way it is. Anybody that wants to hurt him is gonna have to come through me… and that includes fightin' any of you if you want to try to turn him into somethin' he isn't and doesn't want to be." Massha broke in with a loud clapping of her hands.

  "Bravo, Guido," she said. "I think your problem, Green and Scaly, is that your idea of success is out of step with everyone else's. We all want to see good things happen for Skeeve, here, but we also like him just the way he is. We've got enough faith in his good sense to back him in whatever move he makes in his development… without trying to frog-march or trick him up a specific path."