How to Survive a Sharknado and Other Unnatural Disasters

by Andrew Shaffer

  “It was like using a burning rag to ignite a car’s gas tank,” Grace says. “Not that I’ve ever, uh, done that. How long is the statute of limitations in Louisiana?”

  While scientists believe exploratory drilling in the Gulf triggered the arachnoquake, politicians have been reticent to halt exploration or issue moratoriums on new permits. The real question isn’t whether more spiders are still living deep below the Earth’s surface. Since they laid eggs aboveground, who’s to say a new queen didn’t hatch? Come to think of it, she could be amassing her own colony up here right now.

  How to Escape from a Spiderweb

  While all arachnoquake spiders are capable of spinning webs, only the queen’s web is large enough to trap a human being. So what should you do if you’re stuck in her web?

  1. Even if you can’t see the queen, don’t struggle. She may be nearby monitoring her web with a signal line, waiting for good vibrations. The more you move, Marky Mark, the more likely you are to attract her attention.

  2. If you have a knife or other sharp weapon, cut yourself free. The first strand to snap will alert the queen to your presence, so work fast. Chop chop!

  3. When making your dramatic exit, crawl along one of the web strands that extend outward from the center. Avoid the webbing that runs in concentric circles, as it’s the stickiest.

  4. Once you’ve escaped, say something snarky to the queen, like “Sorry I couldn’t stick around.”

  AVOID

  YOUR SURVIVAL HINGES upon how well you can avoid the spiders’ paralyzing venom. Side effects include trouble breathing, muscle rigidity, and blurred vision—if you live that long, of course. Therefore, your life depends on what you wear.

  • Avoid fibers that burn easily. This includes cotton, linen, rayon, and any blends containing those fibers. Also, ditch the vinyl hot pants—they’re liable to melt and stick to your skin when exposed to an open flame.

  • Layer your clothing. Don’t worry about trying to match colors, because by the end of the day you’ll be covered in spider guts. Tuck your shirtsleeves into your gloves and your pants into your socks. You can’t pull this off without looking like a dork. That’s okay. Body bags look even dorkier.

  • Wear a gas mask. Tom Ford and Marc Jacobs had stunning gas masks in their spring 2014 collection. No high-end clothing stores in your area? Try your local Army Surplus.

  WEIRD SCIENCE

  Arachnoquake spiders live in a colony. While this isn’t unique, it is rare. Out of close to 40,000 species of spider, less than two dozen exhibit social behavior. Forget dinner and a movie—most spiders don’t socialize outside of mating.

  SURVIVE

  SINCE BUILDINGS WILL likely be compromised due to tremors, you may not be able to find a safe place to hide from the spiders. Be prepared to go on the offensive.

  • Fight the drones. Despite their thick exoskeletons, arachnoquake spiders are no match for firearms. Shotguns are preferred. Buckshot will tear right through these suckers.

  WARNING: Some arachnoquake spiders may be small enough to smash under the heel of your boot. Doing so would be the equivalent of stepping on a land mine, as their gas tanks are highly explosive.

  • Fight the queen. Unlike the drones, this arachnid’s exoskeleton is thick enough to protect it from heavy artillery, including grenades. Your best bet is to follow Grace’s example and use the queen’s gas tank against her. “If you can figure out a less messy way to do that than jumping into her mouth, be my guest,” he says.

  • Even after you kill the queen and the drones drop dead, you’re not in the clear. Following an arachnoquake, look out for downed power lines, ruptured gas lines, and (most important) flammable spider corpses. Report all hazards to either utility companies or animal control as appropriate.

  BATACLYSM

  VITALS

  ALSO KNOWN AS: Batastrophe • FIRST OBSERVED: Austin, Texas (2011) • EST. MAX. SPEED: 25 mph • HIGH-RISK GROUPS: Alt-country Musicians, Internet Celebrities • LOOK OUT FOR IT IN: Anywhere • THREAT TO HUMANITY: • RISK OF ENCOUNTER: • FIN’S WTF FACTOR:

  DURING A BATACLYSM, IRRADIATED VAMPIRE BATS are flushed from underground caves by seismic activity. Disoriented from the quake, these oversized mutants attack anything that moves. They have wingspans of more than four feet, with grotesque bodies to match. Their ability to navigate and locate prey in total darkness makes them difficult to escape from. Once they’ve found you, they’ll sink their teeth into you and drain your blood (they’re called “vampire bats” for a reason). Even brief contact leads to radiation sickness, especially in children and the elderly.

  STUDY

  SOMETIME IN THE 1970s or 1980s, nuclear waste buried in the outskirts of Austin began leaking out of faulty tanks. While the water supply miraculously avoided exposure, the toxic material seeped into underground caves used by vampire bats. The bats mutated, growing large and hideous.

  “We’re still trying to discover how they went undetected for so long,” says Quentin Rodriguez, a bat researcher with the University of Texas. “These things are big. They walk upright while on the ground. To farmers who caught them feeding on livestock, they probably looked like bloodsucking chupacabra.”

  When a rare earthquake hit South Texas in March 2011, the mutant bats flooded the streets of Austin. Thousands of people died in the initial onslaught. More perished days and months later because of radiation poisoning.

  Rodriguez used a sonic beacon to lure the bats to the newly built Austindome. While the bats slept in the football stadium’s rafters during the day, the Texas National Guard demolished the $400 million structure. “The collapse crushed the bats,” Rodriguez says. “It also crushed the Texas Longhorns season-ticket holders’ new luxury seats. Not a day goes by that I don’t get an e-mail about that.”

  AVOID

  THIS WASN’T A one-time event, warns Rodriguez. Radioactive waste is buried around the world. Bats live on every continent except Antarctica. That means another bataclysm is just an earthquake away.

  • Wear night-vision goggles. Bats are nocturnal. Thanks to their use of ultrasonic calls—a technique called echolocation—they can “see” you at night. With a pair of night-vision goggles, you can even the score. Put them on every time the sun goes down. Never be surprised by a bat or burglar again.

  • Shave your head. Bats are notorious for getting tangled up in human hair. If a mutant vampire bat gets stuck in your thick mane, you’re almost certainly a goner. Don’t risk it. As Patrick Stewart has scientifically proven, bald is sexy.

  CREEPY FOLKLORE

  There’s an urban legend that says if a bat flies over the head of a child, it’s bad luck and the child stops growing. As strange as it sounds, there is a little truth to this story—at least when it comes to bataclysm bats. If one of them flies close enough to a child, he or she may contract radiation poisoning. While they do stop growing, they also develop special mutant powers. Kids love mutant powers.

  SURVIVE

  ONCE YOU RECEIVE word that a bataclysm is happening, seek shelter. If you have important business to conduct that simply can’t wait—a Starbucks run, for instance—follow these tips to navigate the bat-infested wastelands outside your front door.

  • Deploy an acoustic jammer at night. Acoustic jammers interfere with bats’ use of echolocation. For an everyday fix try blasting some Barry Manilow from a portable speaker. “For some unknown reason, his voice is on the same wavelength as the echolocation signals of mutant vampire bats,” Rodriguez says.

  NOTE: Remember, however, that bats are not blind. Echolocation simply lets them “see” in the dark. If a bat is heading straight for you during the daylight, not even the dulcet tones of Mr. Manilow will slow it down.

  • Choose your weapons wisely. There are too many bats in the air during a bataclysm for single-bullet firearms or throwing stars to be of any use. Pick up a weapon that can take out multiple bats at a time, like a shotgun, flamethrower, or reinforced tennis racket.

 
• Watch your step. Be alert for guano. It’s not just a pain to scrape off—it’s also radioactive.

  BEECLIPSE

  VITALS

  ALSO KNOWN AS: Beeruption • FIRST OBSERVED: Mount St. Helens, Washington (2013) • EST. MAX. SPEED: 20 mph • HIGH-RISK GROUPS: Lumberjacks, Grunge Musicians, Seahawks • LOOK OUT FOR IT IN: Areas Near Volcanoes • THREAT TO HUMANITY: • RISK OF ENCOUNTER: • FIN’S WTF FACTOR:

  WHEN VOLCANOES ERUPT, THEY TYPICALLY release hot gas, debris, and lava. During a beeclipse, however, volcanoes launch something quite different into the air: billions of gigantic honeybees. The bees are the size of fists, with exoskeletons as tough as steel. They crowd the sky, blocking the sun. Don’t stare directly into a beeclipse. Not only will you go blind … you’ll go dead. A single sting is enough to kill you unless the stinger is immediately removed. They move in swarms, meaning you’ll probably be stung multiple times, decreasing your chances of survival.

  STUDY

  SINCE 2006, WORKER honeybees have been disappearing in record numbers from beehives throughout North America and Europe. Scientists have blamed “colony collapse disorder” on everything from genetically modified foods to cell phone radiation. No one could have guessed the real reason: mass migration to volcanoes.

  “Over the years, increasing pesticide use throughout the US drove billions of honeybees to Mount St. Helens,” says Violet Steele, a beekeeper who lived near Washington’s notoriously active volcano. “The bees found protection there. They turned it into a gigantic beehive.”

  When a major eruption of hot gas occurred in 2013, so many bees were thrown into the air that they appeared to be a volcanic plume of ash. With the sun blocked out, Steele feared she was reliving the 1980 disaster. It turned out to be worse. By the time anyone deduced the true danger of the darkness, it was too late. The bees swarmed tourists and residents.

  Steele knew that honeybees, like other insects, are coldblooded. In order to survive cool temperatures, they huddle together in hives. Steele collaborated with Federal Science Foundation researchers to seed the upper atmosphere with carbon dioxide, causing a sudden cold front. The bees dropped dead, restoring sunlight to Washington. Well, some sunlight at least.

  WEIRD DISCOVERY

  An ordinary hive produces about a hundred pounds of honey every year. So how much would a hive the size of Mount St. Helens yield? Following the beeclipse, geologists discovered several thousand tons of honey below the surface of the volcano—but don’t get too excited, Pooh Bear. Harvesting it is a dangerous proposition. Mount St. Helens is still an active volcano, geologists warn. Any attempt to collect the honey could trigger a massive eruption.

  AVOID

  NO ONE IS certain where the missing European honeybees are congregating. Another beeclipse seems inevitable. While bees shot out of volcanoes are understandably aggressive, you can still take steps to prevent attacks, says Steele.

  • Don’t dress like a flower. This means no brightly colored clothing, and especially no floral prints. Keep your Hawaiian shirts in the closet.

  • Don’t wear perfume or cologne. Bees love flowery scents. They’re the only ones who find your Britney Spears perfume irresistible anyway.

  • Forget bee repellents. While there are several “natural, herbal” repellents on the market, none are even remotely effective during a beeclipse. Heck, most aren’t effective against regular bees.

  • Skip Valentine’s Day. A dozen red roses is a sweet, romantic gesture … until a tiny death squad of killer bees swarms your beloved.

  How to Treat a Beeclipse Sting

  1. Pluck the stinger out with your thumb and forefinger. The quicker you do this, the better. The venom sets in completely within about three seconds.

  2. Wash the area as soon as possible, preferably with hydrogen peroxide or another disinfectant.

  3. Swelling will occur within minutes. Apply an ice compress or bag of frozen peas. You were never going to eat them anyway.

  4. Take an oral antihistamine containing diphenhydramine (Benadryl) or chlorpheniramine (Chlor-Trimeton). If the venom has had time to set in, you’ll need something a little stronger—like an automated external defibrillator (AED).

  SURVIVE

  DON’T TRY TO swat bees away. This just annoys them further. Use your energy to get to safety as quickly as possible.

  • Choose your shelter wisely. Massive bee swarms can break through glass. The safest place is an indoor room without windows. Panic rooms and fallout shelters are preferred. Avoid vehicles altogether, except as a last resort.

  NOTE: Walk-in coolers provide an extra layer of security, as bees cannot survive freezing temperatures. Unfortunately, neither can most people. If you put on mittens and a scarf when your apartment temperature dips below 70, don’t attempt to hide out in a meat locker.

  • Secure your room. A locked door doesn’t necessarily mean you’re safe. Insects have a knack for sneaking indoors. Take advice from incense-burning teenagers everywhere: Close all vents and put a towel under the door.

  Honeybees: Fact or Fiction?

  Male honeybees are more dangerous than females.

  Fiction. The men (“drones”) are harmless. Only female honeybees (“workers”) can sting. Since you won’t have a chance to determine a bee’s gender when it’s attacking you, err on the side of caution. Treat all bees as stinging threats.

  The queen bee is the leader of the pack.

  Fact. There’s only one per colony. The queen lays two thousand or more eggs per day. That’s one big royal family.

  Male honeybees do all the work.

  Fiction. The women do the bulk of the work, including hive construction, nursing, and pollen gathering.

  Female honeybees don’t want no scrubs.

  Fact. In the fall, the drones are kicked out of the hive to die in the cold. Since they didn’t help build it, they can’t take refuge there in the winter.

  BOARICANE

  VITALS

  ALSO KNOWN AS: Razorback Typhoon • FIRST OBSERVED: Rio de Janeiro, Brazil (2011) • EST. MAX. SPEED: 40 mph (Cyboars), 200 mph (Swirling Winds) • HIGH-RISK GROUPS: People Who Are Easily Boared, People Who Just Groaned at That Pun • LOOK OUT FOR IT IN: Coastal Regions • THREAT TO HUMANITY: • RISK OF ENCOUNTER: • FIN’S WTF FACTOR:

  HURRICANES ARE CALLED “TRIPLE THREATS” BECAUSE of their strong winds, high waves, and torrential rainfall. Throw in hundreds of robotically enhanced wild boars, and a hurricane bumps up to a full-alarm boaricane. Double the size of regular feral hogs, “cyboars” have hydraulic-powered metal skeletons underneath their flesh and blood. Male cyboars sport stainless-steel tusks sharp as machetes. To power their robotics, they need to eat constantly, and often hunt in packs. The cyboars’ heavy, squat bodies allow them to maneuver with ease during hurricanes. When strong winds knock you off balance, cyboars descend in a feeding frenzy.

  STUDY

  CYBOARS WERE ORIGINALLY designed by an American weapons contractor. However, they fell into unsafe hands when a Brazilian drug cartel purchased an assortment of cyboars, which they planned to use to intimidate enemies, on the black market.

  Shortly thereafter, a rare southern Atlantic hurricane hit the coast, destroying the cartel’s stockade. As the storm raged on, the insatiable cyboars turned on their captors and invaded Rio de Janeiro.

  At first, world-class churrascaria chef Nicolas Sandoval watched helplessly as the boaricane devastated the city. “My wife said they were finally turning the tables on us. She’s a vegetarian. She always hated that I owned a restaurant that served nothing but meat.”

  Her comment got him thinking. “Those damned dirty pigs were eating the people of my city,” he says. “If I didn’t step up, who would? No one in Rio de Janeiro had as much experience grilling hogs as me. No one.”

  Once the wind died down, Sandoval and his waiters strapped on flamethrowers. Weapons in hand, the crew braved the weather to hunt and kill the cyboars.

  “I prefer my meat rare,” San
doval says. “But that day, I set my flamethrower to well-done.”

  AVOID

  WHENEVER THERE’S a hurricane brewing, there’s always the potential for it to be upgraded to a boaricane. Stay vigilant. Watch twenty-four-hour news channels twenty-four hours a day. Never miss a minute of coverage. You’ll be among the first to know about potential boaricanes. Twenty-four-hour news channels feed on disasters like a firenado feeds on dry timber.

  SURVIVE

  DURING A BOARICANE, hunker down in your home unless authorities tell you to evacuate. Stay inside. Draw the shades. Wait out the storm. And if a cyboar breaks through your front door, put it down with an electromagnetic pulse weapon (see ROBOCROC). Of course, that’s not always possible. What if you’re hiking in the jungle and a boaricane hits?

  • Take a tip from T-Pain—get low. If you can’t reach shelter, you’ll need to protect yourself from flying debris. Get low to the ground. Curl into a ball. If a flash flood washes you away, you’ll roll to safety like a human tumbleweed.

  • Climb a tree. Wait until the storm has died down to try this gambit. You don’t want to scale a tree only to be knocked out by a gale-force wind. Cyboars can’t climb trees. You can (or at least you could in middle school).