How to Survive a Sharknado and Other Unnatural Disasters

by Andrew Shaffer

  Attention all hands. This is your captain speaking. We’re getting more reports of this half-shark, half-octopus creature that’s terrorizing the coast. Please don’t panic! There is a way we can stop this thing. Virgin sacrifices. Yes, the Mexican Fish and Game Commission assures me the only way to appease this “sharktopus” is to offer it a beautiful virgin, preferably eighteen to twenty-five years old. I wish there was another way, but this is our only hope.

  Shortly after this missive, Manning was killed by the sharktopus. Ironically, he died a virgin.

  SWAMP SHARK

  VITALS

  ALSO KNOWN AS: Deep-Sea Shark • FIRST OBSERVED: Atchafalaya Bay, Louisiana (2011) • EST. MAX. SPEED: 25 mph • HIGH-RISK GROUPS: Ex–Football Players, Hall-of-Fame Baseball Players • LOOK OUT FOR IT IN: All Water • THREAT TO HUMANITY: • RISK OF ENCOUNTER: • FIN’S WTF FACTOR:

  WHILE THESE DEEP-SEA SHARKS ARE NATIVE to ocean trenches, they can survive in freshwater as well—including in swamps, which is how they picked up their nickname. They’re thirty feet long and built like tanks. Instead of the smooth skin associated with other sharks, swamp sharks are covered in tough scales. With three rows of jagged teeth and an appetite to match, a hunter or fisherman in a pair of camouflage waders doesn’t stand a chance against one of these armored behemoths.

  STUDY

  IN 2011, RESEARCHERS retrieved a probe from a deep trench in the Gulf of Mexico. When they reeled it onto their boat, they realized a strange shark had followed the probe up from the depths. The shark attacked at once. By the time the coast guard answered their distress call, there was little left of the boat—or the researchers. Days later, a commercial boat captured the deep-sea shark while fishing for tuna. Realizing this was no regular shark, the captain sold it to an exotic-animal dealer.

  As the dealer was transporting the shark through Louisiana, it escaped a containment tanker and slipped into Atchafalaya Bay. Despite receiving reports of shark attacks, local law enforcement dragged their feet. It was an alligator, they said. Local restaurant owner Rachel Broussard saw the shark’s fin. “I’ve never seen an alligator with a fin before,” she says. Broussard resolved to take matters into her own hands—with a little help from her family.

  “My brother Jason is an ex–football player. I figured he could handle a swamp shark. He once faced down the scariest creature alive: a New York Giants defensive lineman,” she says.

  The Broussards lured the swamp shark into shallow water. After they weakened it with a grenade blast, they shredded the shark in the spinning blades of a pontoon. Rachel was relieved, but also a little frustrated. “There wasn’t even enough of the shark left over to mount on the wall,” she says.

  WEIRD SCIENCE

  How long can a swamp shark survive in freshwater? We don’t know for sure. Some saltwater fish—notably, bull sharks—have been known to live for weeks in freshwater. The swamp shark in Atchafalaya Bay didn’t need weeks to terrorize the local population. All it needed was three bloody days.

  AVOID

  THE NEXT DEEP-SEA shark to surface could be even larger and more dreadful than the swamp shark. Will it find its way to a freshwater swamp? Or will it acquire a taste for saltwater beachgoers, like the thawed dinoshark? No one knows.

  • If you’re gushing blood from an open wound, don’t go swimming. Much like vampires, swamp sharks can smell a drop of blood miles away. Also, if you have a cut that hasn’t healed, see a doctor. That can’t be good.

  • Stay out of the water at night. Swamp sharks are most active in the evenings—also like vampires. However, scientists have assured us that swamp sharks are not vampires. At least not yet…

  Off the Deep End

  Besides swamp sharks, what else is swimming around in deep-sea trenches? Aquatic expert Dr. Lonnie Vargas is here to enlighten us.

  • Animals with frightening names. Scientists love to christen deep-sea creatures with the most frightening names imaginable. The vampire squid. The Pacific viperfish. The coffinfish. The sea cucumber.

  • Aliens. “The bottom of the ocean is still like an alien world to us,” Vargas says. “We’ve even found aliens down there—most recently, the Bermuda tentacle monster.” A military envoy encountered this hulking creature in the Bermuda Triangle. Historians have tied it to the disappearance of hundreds of ships and aircraft over the years.

  • More sharks. Mother Nature, third-graders, and cable executives agree—there is no such thing as too many sharks.

  SURVIVE

  DESPITE TAKING PRECAUTIONS, you may still run into a swamp shark now and again. Don’t despair! It’s not time to hit the bottle and drown your sorrows just yet. That comes later.

  DON’T: Play dead. You can’t fool a swamp shark. It’s on to your game.

  DO: Get out of the water. You know the drill by now.

  DON’T: Punch the swamp shark in the nose. While some advise this for fighting off other sharks, the swamp shark’s exoskeleton is strong enough to withstand the intense pressure found at the bottom of the ocean. You’ll break your hand if you punch its nose.

  DO: Hit the swamp shark in its eyes and gills. The Three Stooges gave eye-poking a bad rap, but it’s a legit offensive maneuver. A well-placed karate chop to the gills may also work. If you can break concrete with your hands, it’s worth a try. If you have a weapon—say, a sharpened stake you were saving for a vampire hunt—use it on one of these vulnerable areas.

  A FINAL NOTE TO READERS

  No one should have to go through what my family went through. I wish I’d had a book like this when the storm started. Perhaps I wouldn’t have decided to stay in my oceanfront, hillside home until the last minute. Although I’m talking about the sharknados, you could also say the same things about my divorce. The fact is, I didn’t realize how dysfunctional our family had become until the sharknados.

  Our son, Matt, was in flight school, without Fin’s knowledge. Claudia was doing whatever it is she does. Art school or something. I’d moved on, and was seeing this guy from the Valley, Collin. Fin was off having a midlife crisis with his little bar in Santa Monica. He might have been dating his bartender, Nova. Actually, I think her name was Jenny-Lynn—Nova might have been her stripper name. Maybe she never hooked up with Fin. Maybe she saw that he would eventually break her heart.

  That’s all water under the bridge now. The lines of communication in our family are open again. We realized that our personal problems were nothing compared to what we faced that day. In some ways, the sharknados were a blessing in disguise. I realized how much we needed each other. If we hadn’t set aside our petty arguments and worked together, our family would have been torn apart—for real. By sharks. There are no visitation rights in the afterlife.

  I know it sounds like I’m romanticizing sharknados. That’s the last thing I would ever do. Learn from our example, so that you don’t have to repeat it. It shouldn’t take an unnatural disaster for you to realize what’s important. Hug your loved ones. Live each day to the fullest. Don’t just survive—thrive.

  —April Wexler

  Los Angeles, CA

  June 2014

  APPENDICES

  THE S.S.A.T.

  (SHEPARD SURVIVAL ASSESSMENT TEST)

  DO YOU HAVE the knowledge to survive Mother Nature, or are you destined to be another statistic? Test your skills now with the S.S.A.T.

  You see a funnel. You:

  A. Pull out your phone to tweet about it.

  B. Wait until you know if it’s filled with sharks before deciding if you’ll take shelter in your basement or evacuate your home.

  C. Grab your chainsaw and pop a few ibuprofen, because it’s going to be a long day.

  You find a nest of mega python eggs. You:

  A. Kick them like soccer balls.

  B. Leave them alone, because it’s best not to disturb nature.

  C. Pull that dynamite out of your backpack—it’s finally time to put it to use.

  Mongolian death worms have been sighted in L
as Vegas. You:

  A. Sit tight at the poker table, because you’re on a hot streak.

  B. Get out of town, because what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.

  C. Follow the worms’ trail, because they’re probably guarding treasure bigger than anything you’ll win at the slots.

  Authorities have declared a state of emergency due to the extreme-weather vortex above your city. You’re out golfing with a friend. There’s not a cloud in the sky. You:

  A. Keep golfing until you see lightning or ice twisters. You paid for nine holes, and you’re going to play nine holes, dammit.

  B. Drop your clubs and run to the clubhouse, leaving the golf cart and your friend behind.

  C. Tackle your friend to the ground and army crawl to the nearest water hazard.

  You’re swimming at the beach when your friend sees the telltale fin of a dinoshark. You:

  A. Tell your friend that, technically, the “dinoshark” is not a shark but instead a prehistoric sea reptile known as a pliosaur.

  B. Get out of the water.

  C. Return to the beach. Pick up your harpoon gun, kiss your significant other who is sunbathing, steal a jet ski, and chase after the dinoshark.

  A giant meteorite struck Earth two days ago. The sun is setting an hour later than it should, because the planet is out of alignment. You:

  A. Say, “Awesome! Extra hour of daylight!”

  B. Stop using electronics in anticipation of electromagnetic storms.

  C. Call the White House and tell them to get the president on the line, because you’ve got a plan to stop the polar storm in its tracks.

  Your friend confides in you that a redneck gator just bit him, but he somehow survived the attack. You:

  A. Gawk at his wound and say, “Cool story, bro!”

  B. Drive him to see a physician, even if he gets blood all over the back of your pickup bed.

  C. Chop his head off with an axe before he turns into a weregator, because that’s what friends are for.

  There’s a knock at your door. Two formally dressed young men tell you they’re from the New Dawn doomsday cult. They hand you a flyer about the upcoming Stonehenge Apocalypse. You:

  A. Give a polite but firm “no thanks” and close the door.

  B. Take the flyer and say you need to discuss it with your spouse, even though you have no spouse. Report the cult members to the authorities.

  C. Invite them in for tea, knock them out and tie them up, and interrogate them about their doomsday plans.

  A pack of hungry cyboars has you surrounded in the midst of a boaricane. You:

  A. Roll into a ball and hope the floodwaters carry you away.

  B. Take your shirt off and wave it like a matador’s cape in an effort to distract the cyboars.

  C. Identify the leader of the pack and charge her, even if you don’t have any weapons. Your hands are the only weapons you need.

  A firenado just set your house ablaze. You:

  A. Frantically run through the house, gathering all of your video game consoles. Yes, even the 8-bit one packed away in your basement. That’s a collector’s item now.

  B. Run outside and dive into your backyard swimming pool to escape the firenado.

  C. Round up as many fire extinguishers as you can find and tie them to a bicycle. Ride the bike into the firenado, praying it will extinguish the flames before your face melts off.

  SCORING GUIDE

  For every “a,” give yourself 1 point.

  For every “b,” give yourself 2 points.

  For every “c,” give yourself 3 points.

  TALLY YOUR SCORE.

  Chum (10–17): You survived … this quiz. Unfortunately, you aren’t going to last long in the event of an unnatural disaster. Don’t fret! Reread this book and retake the quiz.

  Survivor (18–25): Congratulations! You are a survivor. After Mother Nature does her worst, you’ll be one of the few left standing.

  Hero (26–30): You are more than a survivor. You are a hero. When duty calls, you answer. Hello, Duty. I’ve been expecting your call. Of course I’m ready.

  UNNATURAL DISASTER KIT

  YOU SHOULD ASSEMBLE and maintain a portable unnatural disaster kit that you can use at home or take with you if you must evacuate. Store the items in sturdy, clearly labeled, easy-to-carry containers. Duffel bags, backpacks, and covered trash receptacles are good candidates. Keep them by your front door. Don’t let your husband throw them out with the trash.

  Tools and Supplies

  • Portable, battery-operated radio

  • Flashlight and extra batteries

  • First aid kit

  • Cash, coins, and Chuck E. Cheese tokens

  • Copies of personal identification, such as driver’s licenses, passports, insurance cards, and credit cards

  • An extra set of car keys and house keys

  • Medications—prescription and nonprescription

  • Kitchen accessories—can opener, disposable cups, plates, and other utensils

  • Soap, shampoo, and other personal hygiene items

  • Liquid bleach

  • Acoustic guitar or ukulele

  • Matches in a waterproof container

  • Fire extinguisher (in case you start a fire with those matches)

  • Clothing

  • Scrapbook, scissors, and paste

  • Blankets and sleeping bags—for Star Wars fans, ThinkGeek sells a nifty Tauntaun sleeping bag built for the wastelands of Hoth

  Food and Beverages (three-day supply minimum)

  • Water for drinking and cooking—one gallon per person/day

  • Canned, nonperishable meats, fruits, vegetables, etc.—examples include fully cooked and canned Tactical Bacon™, jellied loaf of cranberry sauce

  • Seasoning—salt, pepper, and hot sauce

  • Packaged snacks—although not very nutritious, most processed foods like crackers and snack cakes have shelf lives longer than basilisks

  • Don’t forget your little ones—baby food and pet food

  • Coffee, tea, and other caffeinated beverages—without caffeine, what’s the point of surviving an unnatural disaster?

  In addition to the three-day supply of food and water in your unnatural disaster kit, you should consider maintaining a two-week supply in your home. In your fallout shelter, keep a thirty-day supply. Under your bathroom sink, keep a couple of extra rolls of toilet paper. Not in case of an unnatural disaster, but just as a general guideline.

  SOURCE: Adapted from Talking About Disaster: Guide for Standard Messages. Produced by the National Disaster Education Coalition, Washington, DC.

  EMERGENCY SUPPLIES FOR YOUR VEHICLE

  Your vehicle should be stocked with emergency supplies separately from your unnatural disaster kit.

  • Properly inflated spare tire, wrench, and car jack

  • Jumper cables

  • Tool kit

  • Flashlight and extra batteries

  • Reflective triangle (a square would work too)

  • Signal flares

  • Ammunition for the most common firearms (including Nerf ammo for the kids)

  • First aid kit

  • Duct tape

  • Grappling hook and rope

  • Shovel, windshield scraper, and snowbrush

  • Sand

  • Tire chains

  • Warm clothing

  • Sleeping bag and blankets

  • Tent

  • Compass

  • Life-size cardboard standee of Brad Pitt from World War Z (for inspiration)

  Several of these supplies may appear useless at first glance. Why do you need warm clothing or tire chains if you live in Los Angeles? You should know by now that unnatural disasters do not obey traditional weather patterns. Prepare for ice twisters as well as sharknados.

  Additionally, many supplies have multiple uses that won’t become obvious until the heat of the moment. While a grappling hook could be used to scale
a cliff, it could also be used to lower you off a bridge to save a bus full of children. Even if you never need to use it, it will still make you feel like a super-sweet ninja. Confidence is vitally important during emergencies.

  SOURCE: Adapted from Talking About Disaster: Guide for Standard Messages. Produced by the National Disaster Education Coalition, Washington, DC.

  Space Sharknado

  by Charlie Price (Excerpt)

  CHARLIE PRICE IS the bestselling author of Ionos-fear, Twisted Ice, and two dozen other thrillers. He’s a former scientist who traded fact for fiction—although he occasionally steps out of retirement when the fate of the world is on the line (see ICE TWISTER). Here is an exclusive excerpt from his forthcoming book Space Sharknado.

  SANDY TOOK A deep breath. She held it inside for what felt like an eternity. She couldn’t let go, she couldn’t let go, she couldn’t— She exhaled. It was the last deep breath she would be taking for a while. Possibly forever. Her oxygen supply was limited to six more hours at most. Her ride home—the space shuttle Exogenesis—floated by her in pieces.

  She’d been on a routine spacewalk when trouble started. While she was repairing a damaged section of the hull, a meteor shower struck. Hundreds of rocks—some as small as golf balls, others the size of her helmet—punched through the shuttle. Miraculously, Sandy escaped injury. Just a few small nicks in her space suit. No rips. The repairs to the shuttle she’d been about to make on the spacewalk were the least of her worries—because there was no shuttle anymore. Just debris.

  Debris … and sharks.

  Dozens of them. Hammerheads. Tiger sharks. Great whites. All let loose from the Exogenesis’s cargo bay. If they’d been ordinary sharks, they would have died in the vacuum of space. But these weren’t ordinary sharks. They’d been created in a lab. Instead of respiratory systems that extracted oxygen from water, the sharks had photosensitive cells throughout their bodies for converting solar radiation into energy. At least that was how she understood it. For the scientific explanation, you’d have to ask their creator—some megalomaniacal genius, she guessed. Sandy was just an astronaut transporting them to the space station for live testing. They were too dangerous to let loose on Earth. Now they were floating all around her. The closest she’d come to one was fifty feet. It hadn’t seen her. At least her bosses would know the experimental creatures could survive in space like they’d theorized. One small step for mankind. One great leap for sharks.