JAKE (Leaves of a Maple Book 2)

by Haley Jenner

  I went for a run, trying to clear my mind but found myself jogging past Steve and Clarah's hoping to catch a glimpse of her. It only tortured my mind further. Images of her jogging down Annabelle's steps, blue eyes bloodshot and red-rimmed from crying, breaking at my already fragile heart. Then the sun hit her ankle chain and the crystal cut strawberry cast an intricate array of shredded light, messing with the fucked-up circus in my mind. The small, almost negligible red crystal pierced at my heart, so small, but so significant, because she still has it. More, she still fucking wears it. I didn’t know how to feel in that moment; happiness or anger. Even after months apart she has the ability to fuck with my head, with my heart. Her barely audible stuttered breath pulled my eyes back to her face. Her usually pristine skin was blotchy from tears, her breathing erratic and in that moment, I hated Annabelle. I don't know what was done or said, but I know Annabelle wouldn't have been kind. Not by the way Aubrey left. She almost collapsed when I spoke her name, my voice cracking at the feel of it on my tongue. I found myself straightening, wanting to go to her, to hold her up and stop her from falling but closed off the need. Her face morphed into a mixture of shock, relief, want and need when she saw me and I refused to let myself read into it. She was emotional, confused by the situation. But then her whispered cry of J-Baby hit my ears, and I knew I needed to leave. Immediately. Afraid of what she might say. I'm a coward. Running from her like I did, but I couldn't stomach it. I couldn't stomach any more half-ins. Asking me to wait, or for her to tell me she couldn't offer what I needed.

  I couldn't bring myself to go home and sit in my own company, and I'd already texted Steve to say I wasn't gonna be in, which meant I had nowhere to be until later that afternoon. So I drove. I spent a good few hours on the road, driving fast on the motorway, music loud, drowning out my thoughts.

  She blew up my cell with calls that I ignored and texts that I refused to read. It’s better that way because right now, I can’t pretend to be her friend. Maybe one day, but not now. It’s too much to stomach. In the end, I switched off my phone, cutting off her ability to tempt me with the sound of her voice or heartbreaking words.

  I felt more relaxed by the time I was due at The Coffee House and before I knew it, my gig was over and done. It felt a little more emotional, more open, than I tend to allow, but seeing Aubrey was a bit of an undoing.

  My cell sounds as I walk from the bathroom, wrapping a towel tightly around my waist. Water still drips from my hair, and I tiptoe towards my phone before doubling back and drying the ground off.

  Ben: Drinks at The Shallow. 8ish. Riding Hood'll be there. Need a wingman.

  I shake my head to myself at his name for Darci. Jesus Christ. Way to scare her the hell off, liken yourself to the Big Bad fucking Wolf. No wonder she balks whenever he's near and then spends the next few months perfecting the art of avoidance. It's a vicious cycle nowadays. They hook-up, giving Bennett a perma-smile for weeks while Darci basically goes into hiding. How someone who runs a business in town and is a permanent fixture in our friend group can dodge someone for prolonged periods of time is beyond me. But Darci is skilled. She has her abilities honed and perfected to level expert. I'm in awe really. It's impressive. Plus, I always love watching Bennett suffer through it. The perma-smile slowly dying into focused ambition, his appetite for her never wavering. You can't talk to him about it, always mumbling something about being ruined and then throwing his predatory grin at her making her cheeks flame red. Modern day Red Riding Hood and the Big Bad Wolf. It's entertaining as all hell.

  Jake: UR a grown-ass man. U don't need a wingman.

  Ben: I will physically remove you from your hermit lair.

  Ben: Come on man, she's comfortable around you. Approaching her is easier if you calm her with your schoolboy charm. Don't fucking disappoint me, kid. I'm sure you owe me for something.

  Jake: I owe you nothing. But you now owe me. Catch you in a bit.

  I send him the middle finger emoticon for good measure. Grumbling to myself I throw my phone on a charger and move to the kitchen to find something to eat.

  I pretend I’m not thinking about her. That she’s not consuming every last morsel of my mind. Outward appearances, some schmuck might believe me. But inside, she whirls like a fucking tornado, tearing through my heart, my mind, my soul, destroying me from the inside out.

  My front door clicks open, and I pause on the bite of my sandwich, my mouth caught mid chew as Archer walks into my apartment.

  I swallow my mouthful, glowering at him. “Ever heard of knocking?”

  He shrugs. “Make a habit of jerkin’ off in the middle of your apartment?”

  “What?”

  “Exactly,” he declares, throwing his keys and cell onto my kitchen counter. “Long as I know I’m not gonna catch you mid-wank, I don’t gotta knock. You don’t fuckin’ knock at my place.”

  He’s right. I don’t. So I shrug, biting into my sandwich again. “Headin’ to The Shallow tonight?”

  He deciphers my words well enough, even around the large mouthful I’m working to speak around. “Yeah, we’ll be there.”

  He looks around the apartment, the tick in his jaw working consistently. “So, ummm, listen, Aubrey was at our place yesterday.”

  My food suddenly feels like lead in my stomach, churning in an uncomfortable way. Dropping the remainder of my sandwich to my plate, I push it away. “Yeah, I know.”

  His eyebrows shoot up in surprise and he nods his head for me to continue.

  “Was at Ma’s yesterday and saw her car. Stood outside, frozen on the spot like some stupid fucking idiot. Then she came charging from the house, tears running down her face and I told her she didn’t need to hide around town, that we were adult enough to see each other without drama before she heads home.”

  My arms cross defensively over my chest as Archer shakes his head.

  “She ain’t going home, man. She’s stayin’ put.”

  My arms fall away, my head pushing back in shock. “What?”

  “Overheard her conversation with Belle. Her and David are done, Jake. She ended it, day after what happened at The Shallow.”

  My head shakes in denial. “Nah. I went there. To apologize. I saw her. She was there. She told me she loved him. That she didn’t love me.”

  My words catch in my throat as for the first time, I vocalize what happened that day, how deeply Aubrey rejected me.

  Archer watches me calmly, a quiet sadness in his bright green eyes.

  “She’s lying.”

  “She’s not. Heard it with my own ears. Guy proposed and she left the next day and has been with her dad ever since.”

  My hands grip heavily against the counter, my body leaning over in an attempt to stabilize the weakness in my legs.

  “I guess it doesn’t matter anyway.”

  “Fuck did you just say?”

  I lift my head, meeting the storm in his eyes. “Said, it doesn’t matter anyway. If she wanted me, wanted us, she would’ve come to me. Instead, she’s been hiding in town, doin’ her best to avoid me. Reckon that speaks pretty loud and clear.”

  Pain rips through me in a way I’m not sure I’ve felt before. Sure, when Aubrey spewed all that shit months ago, it hurt, but I’d been convinced she was lying. Now, I know she wasn’t. She left David months ago and instead of running into my arms like I’d stupidly and pathetically hoped for, she stayed as far away as she could.

  “Jake,” Archer calls, and I blink back the moisture forming in my eyes. “Jake,” he repeats, and I sniff loudly, blowing out a large breath before looking at him. “Kid, listen to me, I get right now you’re letting your mind run wild cos’ Aubrey didn’t come straight to you and beg for your forgiveness.”

  “Didn’t want that, just her here would’ve been enough.”

  He sighs. “You get what I’m sayin’.”

  I shrug, pushing upright from my hunched over position. Bracing my hands along the back of my skull, I pull at my hair, groaning in frustratio
n. “Am I that fuckin’ stupid? Did I convince myself she loved me when she really didn’t give a shit?”

  Archer stands, moving into the kitchen and into my space. His hands grasp my face, his leaning in to make sure he has my focus. “Brother, she’s been tryin’ to find her peace. Tryin’ to fix what’s been broken inside of her. You have to appreciate that,” he implores, searching my eyes for understanding. “Aubrey’s been hating on herself more than anything else, let her find the courage to come to you and make it right. She fucked up bad, she’s afraid.”

  My eyes scan his face, searching for deceit, for any reason to doubt what he’s saying. But as our eyes remain connected, my desperate loneliness eases. What he’s saying, it makes sense and he more than anyone understands a person’s need to fix themselves before giving their heart away. Maybe he’s right. He’s the expert on self-destruction and pulling yourself out of hell. He, more than anyone, deserves my faith. Because Aubrey’s back. In Carnation. For good. That knowledge in itself is dangerous. It spurs the hope I’ve been so keen to push away, to suppress. But I feel lighter knowing she’s free from the sadness she’d so easily accepted living in. Aubrey happy is the most important thing in my world and maybe holding onto a little hope that in time she’ll gravitate toward me, isn’t such a bad thing.

  Walking into The Shallow, people are already crowding in. Live music does that. I gig here often enough, and it's always packed. Doesn't matter who is playing, it always draws a decent crowd. Pushing through the swarm of people, I catch Ma's eye at the bar and motion for a drink. Tequila in hand I weave through the closed in bodies, moving towards the usual table, locating the guys within a few minutes.

  "Starting to think I was gonna have to come find you, Little Dean," Bennett whispers into my ear, pulling me in for a one-armed hug.

  Rolling my eyes, I return his embrace before greeting everyone else and settling into a free seat. "Darci," I greet, smiling wide, offering my dimple before taking a deep drink.

  "Hey, Jake," she smiles, reaching out to touch my arm in greeting. "Good to see you."

  We fall into easy conversation, heads bent towards one another to hear over the noise of the bar. She's been working me to give her a constant gig on a weekly basis, not wanting sporadic nights of live music anymore. But wanting to offer a more consistent offering to her customers.

  "I'm honestly not fazed what day. Even if it’s a Tuesday. You always draw a significant crowd, and I'm happy to get someone random in on weekends if I want it. But I'd do anything to have you perform on the regular," she speaks directly into my ear, the pleading tone almost missed within the music and loud voices around us.

  I watch her for a moment, taking in the way her eyes almost beg. Laughing softly, I concede. "I'll come by the shop over the next few weeks, and we'll decide on a night. Nothin' locked in though, Darci. If I need to stop it, you need to understand."

  She'd squeal if she were comfortable enough to make such a loud noise. Instead, she shakes her fists to the side in a really awkward display of excited dance, and I can't help but adopt her enthusiasm and excitement. I, however, choose to do it smiling wide and pulling her into a one-armed hug, kissing the top of her head. "Thank you. Thank you. Thank you," she chants, squeezing my waist tightly.

  Flicking my eyes towards Bennett, I catch his curious gaze. For obvious reasons, he's not threatened. A smile pulling at his lips at Darci's clumsy happiness. Angling his head to the side, he instructs me to move on and let him effortlessly slide into Darci's open giddiness, so I offer Darci a quick smile before moving towards Archer and Annabelle.

  The night continues easily, and I'm almost glad I made the effort to socialize. But towards this part of the night after many drinks have been consumed, is when I regret my decision. When a cloud of loneliness and unease settles around me, and I understand how I fell into Tammy again. Each of my friends are huddled in close to their other half, and I watch on as they touch, flirt and sometimes outwardly grope one another.

  The strings of Paul McCartney's, “Maybe I'm Amazed” begins to drift across the bar and I smile to myself at the inflection in the tune. Strange choice for the band, especially considering the late hour, but regardless, my head begins to move with the sound of the melody for the first twenty seconds the song allows.

  My appreciation dies shortly though, the first line breaking my enjoyment; completely off-key and sung a beat too early. My eyes dart towards the stage searching for the person responsible for inflicting such poison into my ears.

  "What. The. Fuck?" Toby speaks to himself, mirroring my sentiments and my eyes stay drawn to the stage as the entire bar levels in silence. Soft murmuring hovers in and out of my ears as I sit, statue-still. Shell-shocked.

  Aubrey's usual calm and perfect exterior is crumbling as she sings perfectly out of tune. Her hair is piled on top of her head, tendrils having dropped out surrounding her porcelain colored skin. Face free of makeup, her insecurity is evident in the blush shading her neck and cheeks. Her usual pristine appearance is lost in a tight pair of dark jeans and a larger than necessary, SeattleU sweatshirt, that swallows her thin frame.

  Her eyes anchor mine and I'm frozen in time as the entire bar drops away as she sings. She alters every pronoun correctly, vocalizing the song from a woman's perspective and I can't help but be impressed that she’s able to do this when her nerves must be crippling.

  The tune is softer, her voice quiet, channeling more Cocker's version than McCartney's and I want to kick myself for even considering this thought when Aubrey's leaving her heart on the stage for me.

  A minute or so into the song, Toby grumbles under his breath, pushing past Archer and Annabelle, moving towards the stage and I don't look away from Aubrey to see his intent. It takes only a further second to understand, his voice, much louder than Aubrey's, echoing into the room as he joins her on stage. Arm slung across her shoulders, he pulls her into his body. She visibly relaxes at this touch and the fact that her voice is hidden under his.

  The song ends, and Toby stands silently as Aubrey butchers the final line about being amazed at the way she needs me.

  Pulling her into a bear hug, Toby whispers into her hair, and she nods, brushing tears away with the palms of her hands. "Fuck, I love my husband," Willow announces, loud enough that it’s heard across the bar, which sits in complete silence, watching Aubrey. Toby hears Willow's sentiment and turns to wink at her before jumping from the stage and moving towards us once again. I can't even meet his eyes, mine tied directly to Aubrey, unable to look away.

  I must look ridiculous sitting frozen the way I am. I can feel our friends and family, their stares burning into my face, waiting for my move but I can barely recall the ability to breathe, let alone move or speak.

  A few throats clear, bar stools scrape, and glasses hit the wood of the bar or scattered tables, but quiet remains.

  Taking a large breath, Aubrey clears her throat before pulling the microphone back to her lips. "You told me that life doesn't grant second chances, but I'm hoping, I’m praying, that you can find it inside to gift me one. I just need one, no more. One will be all I need. Just one more chance to make you see how much I love you," she pleads, eyes focused solely on me, not caring for the hundred or so other people sitting in the bar.

  I swallow deeply at her words as she continues, her words clear, but voice hauntingly quiet. "I broke your heart, and I broke my own, and I hate myself for that. I don't consider that I'll ever forgive myself for that giant transgression, but I'm holding onto hope that you might. Jake," her voice cracks on my name and I flinch at the sound, "J-Baby, I know your heart. I know where it fits in your body and how it beats. I know the feel and sound of it. When it accelerates and when it slows. When it hurts and when it smiles. I know all this because it mirrors the pattern of mine. They're linked, and I feel yours like it sits within my chest, which I think is true, because I know mine sits inside yours. That's why I know, deep in my soul, that I can fix it. The break I caused, I'm the on
ly one that can put it back together for you and make it whole again. Not anyone else. Me," she stumbles as her voice breaks on a cry and the lump in my throat feels like it’s choking me, making the sound of my breathing, cracked and stuttered.

  Closing her eyes, she steels her composure before looking into my soul, making my eyes sting. Blowing out a long breath she raises her voice to be heard across the rising whispers among us. "Please let me fix it because I don’t want to live without you anymore. I need, I want… I want everything with you, J-Baby. I want to know that every day I get to tell you that I love you. I want to wake up next to you every morning and see your beautiful inked skin and taste your lips. I want to go to sleep with you every night after I've heard every detail about your day. I want to touch you, taste you, make love to you, fuck you. Every. Single. Day. For the rest of my life." Her hand touches her heart, and I clench my jaw tightly together to stop it shaking. "I want to be your wife," she cries, and my tongue runs along the roof of my mouth trying to stop the fighting emotion. "The mother of your babies. But more than any of that… I. Just. Want. You."

  I feel like my heart's been kick-started. She repeated it word for word. My declaration sat forefront in her mind all these months, allowing her to confess her want for the exact same thing and I can't begin to comprehend what this means.

  I wait for a beat longer, her eyes registering the rest of the room, the wide eyes staring between her and I before she focuses back on me. "I know you have no reason to trust what I’m saying because everything I’ve confessed about my feelings these past months has been lies. But I hope you trust what I’ve been telling you with my body, my eyes, my heart. I love you, and I know you love me. I know it deep in my soul, Jake."