by Lucia Franco
It was eerily quiet this morning. No gymnasts were on the floor, no music was playing, no springboards sounding. Just the scent of chalk and coffee coalesced in the air and the faint sound of papers shuffling as I walked to the locker room and opened my locker door.
I swallowed hard at what was staring me straight in the face on the little shelf. A four pack of coconut water with a Post-It note attached to it, a couple of new bottles of Aloe water, a new package of pre-wrap along with new wristbands, and a little white envelope. Without opening it, I knew it contained the morning after pill.
After Kova left, I climbed into bed and cried myself to sleep. My heart hurt, but the reality of the situation was clear: there would be no more Kova and me. Subconsciously, I knew it would never be more than what it was. It could never work in this lifetime. It was just too dangerous. This was for the best, but it didn’t make it any easier to deal with the emotional fallout. I still had to see him on a daily basis. I decided I wouldn’t engage in any small talk with him, I wouldn’t look longingly in his direction, I wouldn’t accept gifts from him, nothing. I’d keep it completely platonic. I had bigger things I needed to worry about and focus on, but my heart was broken.
I was falling for him.
Not love, I didn’t believe in love. Not at my age at least. I was a realist, and at sixteen, you don’t fall in love. It was just not possible. However, I had started to develop feelings for him that crossed the professional level and that worried me.
Yet, seeing his gifts in front of me, gifts I didn’t want to accept, for some reason caused my jaw to tremble and my stomach to flutter. Reaching for the yellow sticky note, I read Kova’s handwriting.
Thought you might want to try this out. Similar to your Aloe water, but in my opinion, better for you.
Of course it was better. Kova knew everything.
I reached for the package, quickly tearing open the cardboard and pulling out a bottle. I uncapped it, brought it to my nose and inhaled. It smelled just like fresh coconuts and my mouth watered. I took a sip, actually liking it more than I expected, and drank nearly half the bottle before I picked up the little envelope and opened it.
Cupping my hand, a little white pill tumbled out into my palm. A pill that reminded me how foolish I had been. My heart began to pump viciously at the sight of it. One tiny pill had the power to irrevocably change a life. I didn’t want to give it any more thought, so without hesitation, I threw the pill into my mouth and said a little prayer. I took a swig of the coconut water and swallowed. I may have been careless, but my future was at stake…as well as Kova’s. No way was I going to jeopardize it in any way, shape, or form.
I crumpled the note in my hand and dropped it into my bag so I could throw it away when I got home. I wasn’t going to be stupid like Kova and risk someone seeing it.
At the end of the day, I came to World Cup for one reason and one reason alone. To train with the best so I could achieve Olympic glory. I wouldn’t allow my focus to deter again. I was going to dive into practice and work harder than ever. Gymnastics has an expiration date. And being that I was steadily getting closer to it, I had a lot to accomplish in a short amount of time. I was going to prove them all wrong, and throw every minute I had into the sport that was the first to steal my heart. Mind, body, and soul. I had everything I needed at the tips of my fingers. There was no reason not to have what I wanted.
Self-doubt kicked in while I undressed. It was like that pesky little gnat that just wouldn’t go away. I questioned whether I had enough time or if it was even possible to make it to The Games like I once thought.
Unfortunately, I knew I had to downgrade some of my skills because of my stupid little injury. But it would be okay. It would only push me to fight harder.
After I shut my locker and locked it, I strode into the gym where Kova was waiting on the floor with a roll of tape in his hand. My heart jumped, reaching for him. My lips a firm, grim line as our eyes locked. He noticeably tensed, his shoulders bunching as a shadow cast over his eyes, shielding his emotions, giving nothing away.
I stayed quiet as I sat on the ground with my injured leg bent. Kova stood before me with a stoic face. While his eyes were unreadable and his movements professional, the facial hair casting a dark shadow on his jaw, and the puffy circles under his eyes gave him away. The smell of his cologne was faint, but enough to entice me to lean in and inhale the scent into my lungs. Spicy and daring, it made me think of what had happened only a handful of hours ago.
We were both quiet as he placed the white athletic tape in specific places on the back of my calf. This time his hands didn’t linger and his fingers didn’t stimulate. The sad part was, I desperately wanted them to.
Once he was finished, he stood and held out a hand to help me up. I couldn’t look at his hand without thinking about where it’d been, what it’d done to me. Shaking the thoughts from my head, I pushed off the ground and stood.
“How does it feel?”
The aching organ in my chest? It hurt like hell.
I rolled my ankle around. “Fine, I guess.”
“Look at me.”
Snapping my eyes up to meet his, he pointed a finger and said, “If you have any kind of pain, anything at all, you need to speak up immediately. Do you understand me?”
“Yes.”
“Anything, Adrianna. I am risking my neck for you right now.” He gave me a knowing look, and I nodded.
Pulling my lip into my mouth, I chewed on it. I rolled my feet into the blue carpet, cracking my toes nervously. Kova’s eyes followed the movement from my mouth to my feet and spat, “Spit it out, Adrianna. What is going on?”
Adrianna. Didn’t that just sting. That’s twice now.
“I took the pill,” I whispered quietly, despite being the only ones in the gym. “And, thank you for the wristbands and coconut water. You didn’t have to do that.” I was still slightly perplexed at why he had, considering how we ended things.
Kova dipped his chin, then turned and walked away. His back was rigid and stiff and I could tell he was dealing with his own inner demons. It was a little rude for him to do so without so much as a you’re welcome, but it was for the best. We really didn’t need to speak unless it was gymnastics related.
I trained with my nemesis for a good three hours this morning—the balance beam. In between working with me and the other team girls, Kova helped me water down my routine. He was his typical Russian dick self the entire time, maybe more so to the other girls for once. When we would make eye contact, it was so he could give me an example of what to do. I kept a straight face and nodded when he barked out orders then would follow up and ask me if it hurt to land. This was the first time I didn’t actually fear the beam, and that was cause for concern since I wasn’t taking chances and risking my neck. A little fear was good.
Or maybe I was just lacking emotion for the day.
As I powdered my hands with chalk to prepare for bars, another event that would take the strain off my calf for now, I overheard Reagan talking to the other girls about a boyfriend she wasn’t supposed to have. Not that I cared. It was the dumbest rule I’d ever heard, but I guess it made sense. We’d lose focus if that was the case, and it was. Just look how much time I spent thinking about Kova.
I thought back to the day she didn’t want to let me borrow her extra set of grips, as if I had some deadly disease that was going to cost her a limb. I shook my head and huffed as I laced my fingers through my grips and wrapped the Velcro around the new wristbands Kova had given me.
The sound of classical music played in the background, pulling my attention to the floor. Holly was gracefully performing her routine, a routine that had skills I wasn’t allowed to do for the time being. And unless my Achilles healed and was strong again, I wouldn’t be doing them at all. I wasn’t a jealous person, but I was the definition of envious at the moment.
I exhaled and shook my head, my thoughts were jumping everywhere. I didn’t need anyone’s approval. I wasn�
��t the type to need a lot of friends. I learned living in Palm Beach it was better to have a few close friends and keep the rest at arm’s length. Everyone was phony and only looked out for themselves. They were what I called Wonder Bread people. Fake, gluey, and tasteless.
The definition of Reagan.
God, I sounded like such a cynic.
Hayden strode by with a smile that made my shoulders relax. His charm was contagious and I couldn’t help smiling back. Now, he had been a good friend, one I didn’t think I could have gone without since coming here.
Rubbing some chalk on my thighs, I overheard Reagan say, “Hayden is so damn hot. Why Adrianna is a virgin is beyond me. Being that she’s such good friends with him, it’s honestly shocking she hasn’t tapped that. Unless she’s into girls.”
I looked over my shoulder and the girls snickered. Tapped that?
“She doesn’t know what she’s missing.”
“Or maybe it’s because he wants an athlete at his level, not one who needs serious work and thinks she’s better than what she really is,” she said cockily. “Not one Daddy has to bribe either.”
It got you your stupid café hall that you study in. That was what I considered a win-win situation, but Reagan was so narrow minded she couldn’t see it benefitted her too.
“An athlete like you,” Sarah chimed in. Suck up.
Reagan continued. “Adrianna the prude. Miss money bags is saving herself for the perfect guy her parents will pay her off too.”
The girls laughed again. My blood simmered.
“You know, Reagan,” I said sweetly, standing up and walking over to her. “I’ve about had enough of your shit. I never speak up or say anything about your constant belittling comments, but I am today. I’m sick of your condescending tone and glares. You think you’re so much better than every other gymnast here, but I have news for you. You’re not. So why don’t you just shut the hell up and leave me alone.”
My comment didn’t seem to faze her. “Oh, you’re tired of it?” She batted her eyelashes. I had the urge to punch her teeth out. I nodded, and she kept going. “Isn’t that right, Adrianna,” Reagan taunted, “You’re saving yourself?”
I shook my head. “What are you talking about?”
“You being a virgin,” she stated.
“Why does my personal life interest you so much? Unless you’re the one into girls and you want me?” It wasn’t in my nature to stoop so low, but today was not the day.
“How can you be friends with him,” she looked at Hayden, “and not do anything? I would’ve given up my V card to him any day.”
“Not that it’s any of your information, but I don’t have my V card,” I said with air quotes. “There. Will that help you sleep better at night?”
“You don’t? Since when?”
I was getting confused. How the hell would she know about my virgin status to begin with? “What do you mean, since when?”
“You don’t remember? The day we went to the beach and your friend Ava was there? We played Truth or Dare that night around the fire? It was then when you admitted to not having sex yet.”
Avery. But that was the least of my concerns right now. My chest heated, blood quickly rose to my cheeks and out to my ears as it dawned on me. Christ Almighty, I had said that! I couldn’t remember what I ate for dinner five nights ago let alone what I said to the mean girl squad leader. However, with Reagan reminding me, I certainly had divulged my virginity status and now I just fucked myself admitting I was no longer a virgin.
“Well, I lied. It was none of your business back then and it sure isn’t now. Shouldn’t you be up on bars perfecting your routine?”
Reagan studied my face, my cheeks blushing even darker.
“You had sex since you’ve been here,” she declared.
“I’m not having this conversation with you. If you’re not going to get up on bars, I will.” I stepped around her, but she stopped me by gripping my arm.
“You have, haven’t you?”
“What does it matter to you?” I yanked my arm away.
“Oh my God, maybe she did bag Hayden,” Sarah mumbled, laughing.
Bag Hayden? Who says that?
“Well, well, well. Carrot top here has been deflowered.”
“You know, Reagan, have you ever seen an actual carrot top? Because they’re green, not red. So the term carrot top doesn’t even make sense. And in case you’re color blind, I’m clearly not a solid redhead.”
Reagan’s cheeks colored and I secretly took joy in it. She was pissed, and I could see the thoughts spinning in her head so fast that a slow smile spread across my face. I rendered her speechless, for once.
“I’m pretty sure I just heard you say you have a boyfriend. What, and who I do, in my spare time is none of your business.” I had heard her correctly, right?
Palming the low bar, I swung and mounted it.
“I’ll find out who you lost your V card to. Then I’ll tell Coach since we’re not allowed to have boyfriends,” she said with spite. “Can’t imagine Daddy can get you out of that one.”
Ignoring her, I placed my feet on the bar and stood reaching for the high bar. She was pushing me to crack, but I refused to give in. There was no way she would rat me out, she was just as guilty if that was the case.
Casting to a handstand, I did a series of handstands to warm up and then began adding in connections. I had no pain in my calf yet, though everything I was doing was very light. My body flew seamlessly through the air from one bar to the other. I loved bars. I loved the feeling of shutting out the world and letting go, only relying on myself to catch the bar. It was an adrenaline rush, one I chased often with this sport. When I felt my arms and shoulders tightening, I slowed down to rest on the high bar by angling my hips against it and leaning forward. Up next were pirouettes and a light dismount, where I would start all over and do it again until I felt ready to move on from there.
After I tightened the Velcro on my wrists, I exhaled when my hands gripped the bar and visualized my next move. Awareness kicked through me. My back prickled with heat and I knew without a shadow of a doubt who was glaring at me from behind.
I looked over my shoulders. Kova.
He was staring at me furiously, like he wanted to strangle me. The blood drained from my face, my weight slowly descending further on to the bar as trepidation flooded my veins. Kova glared from the sideline, his impenetrable gaze knocking the air from lungs. He’d heard everything, the entire conversation with Reagan.
I was cold to the bone. Numb.
“Sarah and Holly were there when you said you were a virgin, so they’re my witnesses.” I cringed at her words. “I’ll get down to it.” Then she chalked up, lost in her thoughts again as she mounted the set of uneven bars to the left, clearly unaware of Kova standing on the other side of me.
I didn’t process what Reagan said. I couldn’t. All I could focus on were the veins in Kova’s forearms and the tick working in his jaw. His nose flared and I was sure I’d see smoke coming from his ears any minute.
I felt sick.
Nauseous.
He now knew I had been a virgin.
My heart raced so fast from his seething glare, it drummed in my ears. He heard everything. Everything.
And he was pissed. I can’t imagine how I didn’t see him standing there.
No, he was fucking fuming and looking at me with repulsion, and I detested it. His hands were fisted tightly at his sides, knowing he couldn’t comment. So he just stood there, scowling, slicing me open with his loathing glare. The disgust on his face made my stomach churn. After everything we shared between us, the conversations and intimacy, I didn’t want him to look that way toward me.
I needed to break the eye contact, so I fell forward and hung on the bar, pretending to fix my grips like they needed to be tighter. I clapped my hands to dust some of the chalk off. Anything I could think of to avoid seeing him when I looked up. My heart was racing so fast it hurt. I needed to get off
this apparatus immediately. I needed to get out of here. I had too much on my mind to focus on what he heard, and how I was going to fix this.
No, I needed to tune out bitchy Reagan and pissy Kova and focus on gymnastics. That’s what I needed to do.
Shit. Now my legs were quivering. Trying to ignore everything that just ruined my life in a matter of two minutes, I pulled up and continued with my warm up. I finished with a simple back tuck dismount. My mind was all over the place, my stomach was nauseous and I felt sick to the core. I quickly chalked up and tried to get back up on bars. Just before doing a kip, I paused with my hands wrapped around the bar. I couldn’t do it. My gut told me not to take the risk. My hands trembled, my heart in my throat. I was off balance. Being around, and training with Kova, was fucking with my head.
Stepping back, my arms dropped lifelessly to my sides. I looked up and spotted Kova across the gym working with a gymnast on the floor. But he was still fiercely staring me down. His incredible eyes saying everything I needed to know.
Jesus, Mary and Joseph. What the fuck did I do?
“Reagan, leave her alone.”
My head snapped at the sound of Hayden’s voice. Jesus. I wish he’d been here a few minutes earlier. The inquisitive look in his eyes said he knew there was more to the story than just Reagan being an asshole like she normally was, but luckily he brushed it off. I didn’t know when he got here or how much he heard.
Reagan jutted her hip out. “Why? Are you two a thing? Because you know that’s not allowed.”
“I’m well aware of the rules, Rea. So is Aid. I’m asking you to back down and retract your claws. We’re friends—nothing more.”
“Aid?”
Hayden uncapped his water bottle and sipped it, never breaking eye contact with her. Replacing the cap, he said, “Yeah—Aid, just like when I call you Rea. It’s a nickname, that’s what friends do.”
