by Lucia Franco
Hayden walked away, and I walked in the opposite direction. I couldn’t breathe. I needed air. I needed something. I was starting to panic and I didn’t know how to calm down because I had no one I could talk to. My nerves were lighting up and shaking me to the core. I began ripping my grips off as I exited to the lobby, the whole time I could feel my coach’s eyes burning a hole into the side of my face. I didn’t look though, because I already knew what they’d say.
Deceit.
Lies.
Trickery.
Loathing.
God, but it was so good. Amazing. And even though I omitted that fact, I still wanted him to want me. I still wanted him to desire me. I’d do it all over again if given the chance. Just thinking about it had my body warming and my heart pounding for all the right reasons. I may have been a virgin, but I knew no one would ever compare to him or the way his body felt against mine, or the pleasure he brought me. There was more to us than just sex and gymnastics, and we both were aware of it.
Shaking it off, I stepped into the bathroom and splashed cold water on my face. I couldn’t go home, so I’d just have to act like nothing was wrong, and talk to Kova after practice when everyone left and we were alone.
Two hours later, I was fucking up my routine left and right. I may have appeared to have nothing on my mind and only having a bad workout, but that was because I was taught to. However, if anyone climbed inside my head, they’d see what a hot jumbled mess I was. I couldn’t think straight. I couldn’t swing neatly. My legs kept coming apart. I stumbled, my feet scraping the ground, and I couldn’t land a clean dismount. I was all over the place. It was horrible. People had to see how terribly I was performing. I’m sure Reagan took note.
I wasn’t even doing my release moves in fear of messing up and not catching the bar. Or worse, freaking out in mid-air and land on the bar with my hip. I stuck to basic bars and did easy skills, a few simple releases. Truthfully, I had no choice if I wanted to preserve what little sanity I had left.
Reagan and her friends whispered under their breath the whole time. I brushed it off, not caring what they thought. I already had an injury, I didn’t need to add to it, so I played it safe for the day. And it didn’t help that any time I glanced over my shoulder, I saw Kova looking at me. Not only was I performing like shit, he was watching me with his beautiful arms tightly crossed in front of his chest, critiquing my every move. He stared so keenly I decided to make an effort to avoid looking in his direction.
Only one more release before I did a copout dismount and would rotate to my last event for the day. I needed to be done with bars, done with practice so I could talk to Kova.
One Giant into a blind change, another Giant to gain momentum, I took a deep breath and released the bar to move into a Jaeger.
Only to fucking miss it.
I panicked, my heart sunk in mid-air, slamming to the ground before I did. A move so simple I’d been doing for years, and because my mind was in a million different places, I messed up royally. I either tapped too early or released too early…or I ducked my head…or I wasn’t fully extended. It could be a number of things, and I had no idea which since my mind and body were not in sync with each other.
Falling face down on my stomach, I kept my arms out and in front of me so I wouldn’t break any bones on the way down. The dumbest thing a gymnast can do is try to break their fall. Hello broken bones and goodbye gymnastics career! At least I had a little common sense left.
A gush of air burst from my lungs as I flopped to the thickly padded blue mat and bounced, chalk flying up around my face. My chest rose and fell heavily as I kissed the mat. My mind ran a million miles a minute trying to figure out how the hell I messed up so badly. While it was a common fall in practice, I was both embarrassed and shocked, and I didn’t want to face all the gawking stares I knew I was getting.
Taking a deep breath, I exhaled and opened my eyes only to see Kova hovering above me. He reached down with an opened palm to help me and I grabbed it, not thinking twice.
“Girls,” he said, looking directly at me, “rotate to the next event. I will be there in a bit.”
A low snicker came from Reagan as she walked past us. I was seriously beginning to fucking hate the air she breathed.
“Get back up on the bar now.”
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. My heart raced, fear exploding through my veins over falling again. To fall so badly and then to get back up and do it again wasn’t easy. Fear was suffocating me.
“I…I think I need a break,” I stammered.
Coach ignored me as he dragged over a tall, solid mat for him to stand on. A spotting block. He dropped it near the metal post and climbed up, looking at me expectantly and waiting.
“Did I give you a choice? You just screwed up on a simple release move. In fact, I have been watching you screw up all afternoon, Adrianna. You are a sloppy mess and it is embarrassing. I guess we are going to have to take it back to basics since you cannot hit simple skills a twelve year old can master. So get up there now and do it again.”
Shaking my head subtly, I slapped some chalk on to my grips and stood in front of the bars. Doing a kip to mount the low bar, I let go and jumped to the high bar.
“Cast to a handstand. Blind change. Jaeger.”
I nodded, rotating my hands so they were considered backwards and my knuckles were against my thighs, a half pirouette. Blindly falling forward was not something I was in the mood to perform after the day I’ve been having, but I took a deep breath and prayed to God I would be able to pull off a Jaeger. Bouncing off the bar with my hips, I cast to a handstand. Coach positioned his hands on my stomach and back, holding me in place, leaving a touch of heat in each fingertip.
“Breathe,” he whispered only for my ears. “Calm down, and focus. You got this.” I nodded, then I was blindly falling forward into another handstand where he gripped me in the same place again. His hold was firm, secure, and overall, confident. It gave me a sense of comfort knowing he’d catch me if I fell.
“Tighten up.” He slapped the back of my thigh lightly. “Squeeze your butt, straighten your legs.”
I squeezed every muscle I could in my body and fell back again to hit another handstand.
“Better. Do it again.”
I did it again.
“Tap harder,” he demanded. “I believe your tap was not hard enough and the reason for your fall.”
“Kova,” I whispered once I was in a handstand. Coming down, I rested my hips on the bar with my arms locked straight. I turned to look at him.
“Do not,” he mumbled.
“We need to talk.”
“Adrianna, if you say another word to me, I will put your body through so much conditioning you will not be able to walk tomorrow.”
My lips parted and his eyes traveled down to them. The five o’clock shadow paired with his emerald eyes was scorching, and when he looked at me with commanding authority, my body blazed. The bite in his tone was a clear warning to stop, so I listened. I didn’t want to push him. It was obvious he wasn’t playing around, clearly past the point of pissed off.
“Now is not the time or place to talk about anything. Be smart, Adrianna. Until then, you will land this skill until it is solid and then you are going home. I do not need you breaking bones on me.”
I nodded. He was right.
“Now let us go. Do the Jaeger. I will spot you.”
Before casting to another damn handstand, I looked at him and whispered, “I’m scared.”
His eyes filled with empathy. “Fear is not a bad thing. It is what keeps you alive and trying. Visualize it and then go for it. Be confident. Push for it. I am right here spotting you, I will not let anything happen. I promise.”
I believed him. I nodded frantically, picturing the skill in my head. Once in a handstand, I looked for his hands to spot me and when it came time to release again, I arched my back and tapped my feet hard. I released the bar and flipped forward into a pike position. Spotting the bar,
I reached for it as if I was about to fall a hundred feet to the ground and gripped it tight. Coach kept his word and heavily spotted by flattening his hand right under my chest and on my back.
He had me.
I followed through with an easy kip and rested on the bar. My heart was racing, adrenaline pouring through my veins as I caught my breath. I looked at him and smiled brightly.
“Again.” He tapped the back of my thigh.
He didn’t even give me thirty seconds before I was back up. My nerves were shot and only by some miracle did I catch the bar thereafter. I lost count of the number of times I practiced the Jaeger after the initial one. Even with my grips, my palms were on fire, but I blocked out the agonizing pain. My shoulders felt like Jell-O. With each release, the fear dissolved a little more. But it never disappeared. Kova was right about fear, it kept me alive and motivated. Otherwise, I’d lose the thrill of the sport to keep going. He gave me self-belief with his firm touch, the courage to keep going. It was a coach wanting to see his athlete succeed and nothing more.
He ordered one more Jaeger where he said he would spot me, only he didn’t. He only stood there to give me piece of mind. I should have expected this, but I was so lost in the moment I didn’t.
Panting and out of breath, I bent over the high bar and breathed the chalky air heavily into my lungs.
“Get your stuff and go. Skip tomorrow’s practice and do not question my authority.” Flipping down, confidence roared through me. Normally I’d be upset over skipping practice, but ending it the way I did made me feel the complete opposite.
I smiled to myself, unwinding my grips and removing my wristbands. I felt good about the Jaegers, about how Kova pushed me to redo them. Had he not, there would be a chance I’d fear them the next time. This practice had started out good, moved to shit, and quickly into a disaster, and then actually ended on a good note for the most part.
I was bent down and shuffling through my bag when Kova strode back over. Standing up, I threw the duffle over my shoulder and looked at his hard face.
His voice was low, only for me to hear. “If you ever perform in the way you just did again, you will be kicked out of here so fast your head will spin. I do not give a shit who your father is. It was reckless and stupid and I never want to see it again.”
And then he walked away.
It’d been a couple of days since the Jaeger fiasco. I tried not to dwell on it since the past couldn’t be changed and nothing good could come from constantly thinking about it. Instead, I blocked it out as much as possible and kept training in the forefront of my mind.
I busied myself and caught up on my homework. I even studied the material I’d be going over with my tutors the next couple of days. When I was done with the boring math I’d never use again in my life, I cleaned and did things around my condo so my mind didn’t wander. I went to therapy for my Achilles, and then decided to get take out, something I never did.
The Penne a la Vodka was orgasmic. Too bad I couldn’t eat it every day. However, considering it was Thanksgiving weekend and I wasn’t with my family, I splurged. Not going home for this holiday wasn’t a big deal for me. I’d go home for Christmas, though.
Yawning, I closed my chemistry book shut and dropped it on the couch. My eyes were puffy and swollen, and my hair was damp from the shower I took an hour ago. Relaxed with a full belly, I was ready to cuddle up in bed.
I didn’t know what to do, and I had no one to talk to about it. I didn’t want to tell Avery I had sex with Kova because I didn’t want her to judge me. Not that she would, but after the talk I had with her and how she insisted Kova and I stop, I had a gut feeling she would be disappointed. When the time was right I’d tell her. Until then, it was better this way.
Looking through the sliding glass door, I gazed into the pitch-black sky thinking about what the future held, where I would be a year from now gymnastics wise. The moon hung high and I stared at it when I heard a light knock at my door.
Standing up, I walked across the plush carpet and stood on my tiptoes to peek through the peephole. Taking a deep breath, I unlocked the door and opened it.
All the air left my lungs. God, he was so fucking gorgeous.
He had one arm propped up against the wall as he leaned down and stared at me. His piercing green eyes peaked out from under his thick, black eyelashes, and he had more facial hair than I’d ever seen him with before. It worked in his favor and I wished he’d grow in more. He scanned the length of my body with his heady gaze until our eyes locked again. It seemed every time he stopped by my condo, my outfit was the same—panties and a shirt. In my defense, I wasn’t planning on having company.
Kova dropped his arm and sauntered in past me. My heart leaped into my throat and I could feel my body simmering when I got a drift of his clean scent mixed with cologne. He smelled divine. I had a gut feeling he was here to yell at me, and luckily after a few days alone, I had everything planned I wanted to say.
Pushing back the hood of his jacket, I watched Kova unzip it and then remove it. He shook out his tight arms. Fury thickened the air, my heart catapulting in my chest. He was wearing distressed dark jeans and a tight black shirt. Dropping his jacket on the high back chair, Kova stalked toward me. A crease formed between my eyes at his harsh demeanor and I swallowed back the knot in my throat. He stepped toward me and followed me into the kitchen. My heart was wild with anxiety when I felt my back against the wall.
“Are you fucking crazy?” He gritted between clenched teeth. He got right to the point. “Is there something wrong with you?”
“You really had no idea?” I countered.
He snapped his neck to the side like he was cracking it, never leaving my gaze. “You were a virgin, a fucking virgin. And you let me fuck you the way I did? Let me touch you like that?”
My face scrunched up. He said virgin with a tone of repugnance and it hurt my stomach.
“I didn’t let you do anything, you wanted it. We both wanted it, plain and simple. Okay—Maybe I did push you a little too far, but what’s the difference, anyway?”
“The difference is you were a virgin, Adrianna. That is the difference. Are you not following the conversation?”
“Well, if it helps, I’m ninety-nine percent positive I broke my hymen on the balance beam, which means in a sense I wasn’t a virgin.” Kova paused, looking baffled, so I continued. “See, it’s actually quite common for a gymnast to break her hymen from a bad fall on the balance beam, and Lord knows I’ve had plenty of falls. It’s probably why I didn’t bleed when we had sex.”
Kova stepped closer. He placed his forearms on the wall near my head, boxing me in. His eyes narrowed and he was seething.
“Are you really going to school me on straddling the beam and hymens? I know all about that. I have been around the gym world longer than you have been alive. Breaking your hymen does not mean you are not a virgin anymore, Adrianna.” Kova dipped his chin and looked deeper into my eyes, fury pouring out of them. “Penetration means you are not a virgin anymore. And while breaking your hymen on beam may be true, I was still your first form of real penetration, and that is fucked up beyond comprehension. I cannot believe you did not tell me.”
My chest deflated.
“How is it fucked up?” I asked dejectedly.
“You should have been honest with me.” He mirrored my tone and for the first time since he found out about my virginity, I actually felt remorseful.
Kova clenched his eyes shut and stepped away. He began pacing my kitchen frantically. The rage and fury he was casting out was thick and dense, hitting me hard and making me nervous. This was the first time I’d seen or felt real anger from him. It was completely different from the times he yelled at me in the gym, and honestly, I wasn’t sure what to do with it.
“I cannot believe how stupid I was. I cannot believe I let myself fuck you, touch you, drown in you,” he mumbled to himself. “I should have never done it.”
I flinched, feeling the reg
ret in his words. “What does it matter, anyway,” I yelled, tired of his constant whiplash. “I wanted it. If you had known, would you have stopped?”
He stopped and looked at me, walking to stand close again. “Yes, I would have,” he said between clenched teeth. “Because you never had a cock inside you before me no matter how you want to look at it, regardless if your hymen was already broken or not. I was still your first and while it never should have happened, it did. I took your innocence. I took your virginity. Why did you not speak up and say anything? I was always honest with you, Adrianna, always.”
I shrugged feeling guilty. “I didn’t know how to say it, and I was afraid you would have stopped.”
He laughed low, manically. “This is so fucked up.”
My heart crumbled. I loved being with Kova. He didn’t push me. If anything, I pushed him.
There was no reason we couldn’t talk about this situation civilly. He was being deliberately cruel and I didn’t like it.
“Kova,” I said softly, trying to calm him down. “You did nothing wrong.”
His eyes locked on mine, forcing me not to move. “Nothing wrong? I sure as hell did not stop you. I hardly even tried. I saw an opening and took it. The moment I said take and you did, there was not a chance in hell I could hold back. I fucked a virgin. Over and over. Adrianna, I licked you, you had multiple orgasms,” he said with horror. “An underage virgin at that. My fucking gymnast! There is a lot wrong with this picture. I could have gone to jail.”
“You could’ve gone to jail before it,” I muttered.
“What did you say?”
I stuttered when he glared at me. “Nothing…” This wasn’t how I planned for this conversation to go.
“You know, this is your fault. I should have stopped your advances. I should have been stronger and turned you away like I did the others in the past. I have never,” he fumed with rage, “been with a gymnast, let alone someone underage. What the fuck was wrong with me?” He questioned himself, pacing back and forth again. Running a hand through his hair, he repeated, “This could cost us everything.”
