by Lucia Franco
In gymnastics, anything was possible. And considering I was working on the hardest vault for women, that should say something.
Standing up, I heard Madeline sigh loudly. “I’m trying, I really am,” I broke in before she could say anything.
She looked at me with pity. “I know you are. Let’s do it again.”
“Adrianna. Keep your legs straight in the flight, chest up,” Kova chimed in, looking at me intently.
“He’s right,” Madeline acknowledged. “Your legs are sloppy and bent. I noticed your feet were crossed too, which is a big no, Adrianna. Try and set your twist just a tad higher. You need something that will give you points and move you up in the standings, not set you back.”
I nodded.
“Is your calf bothering you?” she asked with concern.
“No.” I could’ve lied and said yes, which would be the reason for my shitty landing, but I didn’t.
Nothing was worse than being told you couldn’t do something after trying so hard to achieve it. Swallowing back my frustration, I stared at the vault and pictured my landing perfectly. I could do this, I told myself. I’d done it before, I just needed to visualize it and be confident in my abilities.
“You got this, Aid,” Hayden whispered, tightening his wrist brace with a nod. I smiled at him, my face softening.
Another deep breath, and I took off. Round-off, back handspring onto the vault, popped off and I reached to twist. I mentally noted my legs and straightened them, but it was too late at that point. I opened my arms to balance my landing, but I already knew I was leaning too far back and my hips were too low. It was a feeling inside that was unexplainable, but I knew my body and knew I wasn’t going to stick it.
Trying to save it was pointless. I was literally in a seated position and hit the floor just like that, stumbling backwards and falling on the blue mat. Tears welled in my eyes as pain suddenly throbbed viciously through my back. Massaging my side, I felt like crying from being so frustrated and not hitting my marks. Self-doubt was beating me up today and I began to wonder if I was pushing too far.
Madeline sighed. “Go to tutoring and I’ll see you later.”
“Can I try one more time?”
Madeline nodded, then grabbed a mat to stand on. It was the shape of a box and high, leveled with the vault so she could spot me.
Dear God, please let me land this.
Swallowing, I began running, my feet pounded into the ground. I moved into the entry, and then sprang off the vault. Madeline’s hands helped pop the back of my shoulders, lifting me higher in the air to help me set my element. I started rotating, cranking the twist as hard as I could muster to land properly. And by some miracle, I landed—only for another shot of pain to soar through my back, but I sucked it up. Albeit I landed sloppy, my feet hit the floor, not my butt, and that was all that mattered right now. A loud sigh burst from my lips and I closed my eyes in satisfaction, hiding my back pain.
“Again,” Madeline said.
I did it again with her help and landed. Yes! Land was a word I used lightly, but the fact that I was standing upright was what motivated me and gave me that little push to keep going.
After three more tries, she pulled the mat away for me to do it on my own. Nerves wracked me hard and I was suddenly worried I wouldn’t hit it again. It was an irrational fear that coursed through me, I knew it, but it came with the territory. My heart split between being in my throat and stomach. All eyes were on me. Fear and nerves were part of a gymnast’s genetic makeup.
But so was winning.
I had this…I got this…visualize…
Adrenaline pumped through my veins fast as I ran toward the leather apparatus, but apprehension and nerves dominated when I hit the spring board. Fire shot through my back and I panicked in the middle of my rotation and only pulled a full. It was a clean landing, but Madeline glared at me.
Shit.
“You,” she said between clenched teeth, and pointed at me, “get your butt back over there and do the Amanar. Now.”
My stomach dropped. All I could do was nod and start walking. I didn’t have much of a choice.
The urge to pee never really went away, and a wave of pain hit my screaming bladder. It was only ten in the morning, yet this day was going to shit fast. Very little sleep, a burning vagina, and now a raging coach.
And I only had myself to blame.
I did the vault once more and added the stupid twist, but without her push, I barely landed on the tips of my toes. My stomach clenched tight and I gave up and jumped to the side, my calf burning slightly.
Before I could speak, Madeline pointed toward the exit and said, “Go. Come back after tutoring. Maybe you’ll be better after you’ve had a break.”
“Can I try it once more?”
“No,” she heaved a sigh. “Come back later and we’ll work on it again.”
My shoulders dropped in defeat. Turning around, I stared at the ground to avoid the gawking stares while I made my way to the locker room. I was beyond embarrassed with my workout and didn’t want to see the judgmental look in my peers’ eyes.
“Hey Aid,” Hayden called out across the gym. I slowly raised my eyes, afraid to be greeted with a look of pity. Surprisingly, I saw encouragement in his eyes as he jogged over to me.
“Give me twenty and I’ll be done. We’ll ride to tutoring together.”
I smiled kindly. After the shit storm morning I had, Hayden’s bulldoze through life mentality was exactly what I needed.
Opening my locker, I pulled out my duffle bag and dropped it to the floor, shuffling around for my clothes. I was so upset with myself and wanted to cry. I was better than this, and I let things get in the way of training. I needed to be stronger and overcome my fears, but it was easier said than done. I was training in a sport that could literally paralyze me in one split second by not getting enough air in rotation or landing wrong. And I wasn’t at one hundred percent because of my leg. My landings were shit today. If my timing wasn’t absolutely perfect, the repercussions could be devastating. There was a reason gymnastics was considered one of the most dangerous sports. It was a risk to take, but my heart was all in. Even with days when I was at my worst, I would never give up.
Changing out of my leotard, I noticed little droplets of blood. Shit. It was a good thing I carried extra leos with me. I dressed quickly then shoved my bag back into the locker and slammed it shut as hard as I could muster. I should’ve done some stretching to cool my muscles, but I didn’t even care to.
Walking into one of the physical therapy rooms, I laid on the blue, plastic table and waited for Hayden. I looked forward to hanging out with him. Throwing an arm over my face, I closed my eyes, thinking about my vault.
“Adrianna…Adrianna, wake up.”
Opening my eyes, I was disoriented for a moment and confused at where I was. “Hayden?” my voice cracked. Jesus. It felt like I’d been asleep for hours.
He smiled down at me. “Come on, Sleeping Beauty. We’ve got tutoring.”
I groaned. “Did you kiss me to wake me up because I feel like I could sleep forever.”
His cheeks deepened in color. “I was about to.”
“Can I just skip and go home and sleep?” Hayden reached his hand out to help me sit up. I yawned and took it.
“Rough night?”
“If you only knew.”
“You look like shit.”
A smile tipped my lips. “Be still my heart,” I responded flippantly.
“Hey, I just call it like it is.”
“I can obviously tell.”
We stepped out of the locker room and made our way to the lobby. My brows cinched together when I heard Kova’s voice in the distance. The closer we got, the louder it became, and my heart stopped at the soft tone in his voice.
“Hey, what are you doing here?”
I tried not to hold my breath as I listened to the response that met my ears.
“I came to surprise you for lunch.”
I knew that voice. Katja had one of the most singsong voices I’d ever heard, even with the thick Russian accent that accompanied it.
“You know I keep a schedule, Kat. You should have called me first.”
As we rounded the corner, he had her pulled in for a kiss. His fingers were threaded through her chestnut hair in a sensual, possessive lip lock. My stomach dropped at the sight. He never kissed me like that. He never looked at me with love in his eyes. He never embraced me so tenderly.
“What was that for?” she asked breathlessly as they pulled apart.
He tensed and irritably bit out, “Why do I need a reason to kiss you? Can I not kiss you when I want?”
“You do not,” she responded with flushed cheeks. “You know you can anytime.” She looked at him with hearts in her eyes. “I love you.”
I paled at her display of love, my stomach rolled in waves. Hayden was completely blasé to their affection, and luckily completely oblivious to my gut wrenching reaction, as he continued walking to the front door. It took all the strength I had to make my feet continue to move when all I really wanted to do was flop down on the floor and have a pity party.
I didn’t want it to bother me, but it did. Watching them in their private moment told me everything I needed to know, and showed me everything I would never have.
With Hayden’s keys jangling in his hand, they both turned their heads in our direction. Katja’s chin dipped, embarrassment coloring her cheeks.
Hayden held the door open and I brushed against him walking outside. My eyes locked with Katja and then Kova, who held my gaze until I left.
“You okay?” Hayden asked at the sound of my expelled breath as the door shut behind us.
“What?” I glanced at his face distractedly, my mind totally not wanting to function today. I shook myself out of it. “Yeah, I’m just worn out is all. I’m ready for this day to be over.”
“You realize it’s not even noon yet, right?”
“Don’t remind me.”
We hopped into Hayden’s car and he started the ignition, draping a strong arm over the top of my seat. As he peered over his shoulder to back out, he looked at me and smiled with his warm blue eyes.
“Don’t sweat it. We all have off days.”
“Off days? I sucked! Badly! I looked like an amateur!”
He chuckled over my exaggerated sigh. “You totally did.”
I reached over and punched him. “You don’t have to state the obvious!”
“Would you rather I lie?”
“No.”
“Hey,” he put a finger under my chin at the red light. “Keep your head up. It’s just a bad morning practice, not a bad life. This afternoon will be better.”
I smiled softly at him. “I hope so. I feel like I’m the only one having bad practices lately.”
“It happens sometimes. You’ll get through it.”
“I know…it just sucks. Regina seems to thrive on my mistakes.”
He gave me a perplexed look. “Regina?”
“Reagan, I mean. Have you ever seen Mean Girls? She’s the Regina George of gymnastics. Loves to see people fail and shit. Like she gets off on it.”
“Never heard of it, but why do I have a feeling you’re right? Maybe one night we’ll watch it together,” he said, shifting into another gear.
I pursed my lips together. “You want to watch Mean Girls?”
He shrugged, pulling into the library. “Why not?”
“I don’t know…because it’s a chick flick?”
“So? We’ll get some pizza and soda, pig out, and watch a movie one night.”
I sighed happily. That sounded like such a great idea.
“I can’t remember the last time I turned the television on. Our schedules are so intense and jam packed I fall into bed as soon as I get home. There’s no time for fun.”
The smirk that slid across Hayden’s face told me I was wrong. “There’s always time for fun.”
I bit my lip. “I’d like that, but can we not tell anyone? Meaning your sister so she doesn’t tell Reagan? I don’t need any more shit.”
“So you mean, I’m your dirty little secret?” He winked.
THREE HOURS LATER and my brain was fried. Math was not my strongest subject. When letters got mixed in with numbers, that was it. I was done. Luckily my tutor only made me do it for an hour then moved on to History. Which I loved.
“Want to grab a bite to eat before we head back?” Hayden asked.
I checked my watch and realized I hadn’t eaten anything other than a granola bar.
“Eh. I have a salad at the gym, but I’m not really in the mood.”
His face scrunched up. “A salad? Aid, you have to eat. You have four hours of practice ahead of you.” He had a point, I was running on fumes, but my lack of appetite was due to reasons he was unaware of.
“Honestly, Hayden, I’m just too stressed out to eat right now.”
Hayden pulled into a shopping plaza and parked in front. “Gotta eat to keep up that stamina.” He winked, and jumped out of his car.
When we walked in, I was instantly reminded of Whole Foods. That place always has a strange odor. The smell assaulted me and I started giggling thinking of something Avery said once.
“What’s so funny?”
“It’s nothing.”
Hayden paused, grinning. “Tell me.”
“This place reminds me of Whole Foods. It has the same smell.”
He looked confused. “And that’s funny to you?”
“Avery swears Whole Foods uses natural cleaning products that are supposed to be orange scented but they actually smell like dirty jock straps. That’s why when you walk into one it always has the same gross smell. I agree with her, not that I know what jock straps smell like, it’s just a wild guess.”
Hayden’s eyes were gleaming with laughter.
“What? Don’t look at me like that!”
“I didn’t say anything,” he laughed, putting his hands up.
“You have a look in your eyes. I’m going to punch you!” I raised my fist playfully and he didn’t even flinch.
Before I could say anything else, the urge to pee sliced through me. “Can you order me a turkey lettuce wrap please? I need to use the restroom.”
“No bread or cheese?”
“Are you insane? Of course not! Just turkey and lettuce. Nothing else.”
He knew how strict our diets were. Carbs and dairy were out. I allowed myself carbs once a week, but it sure as hell wasn’t from a wrap. Those little flat pieces of nothing were loaded with shit I couldn’t afford to put in my body.
Finding the bathrooms, I reached to yank the door open only to find it locked. Dammit! I leaned against the opposite wall, counting the seconds and trying desperately not to do the pee dance. My mother would give me the evil eye all the way from Palm Beach if I did. From all the years of being obedient under my mother’s watchful eye, I just stood with my legs crossed like a lady, and praying to God this person hurried the hell up.
After what felt like an eternity, a mother holding her son’s hand exited the bathroom. As soon as their bodies cleared the doorframe, I dashed in. My bladder burned as I shifted from foot to foot trying to unbutton and unzip my jeans. I tightened my abdomen, feeling ready to explode while I hovered over the toilet.
Taking a deep breath, I closed my eyes and let it trickle out slowly like last time…and felt the burn. I stopped, my teeth biting into my bottom lip as tears threatened behind my eyes.
I hated this pain.
I tried again, but my urine was hot, so it stung even more this time. I expelled a gush of air from my lungs at the little bit I was capable of releasing and then zipped up my pants. I’d much rather straddle the beam than deal with this sort of pain right now.
I flushed, washed my hands, and was out of the bathroom to find Hayden paying for our lunch. I reached into my pocket, but he stopped me.
“Nah, don’t worry about it.”
I pushed the
twenty at him. “Take it.”
“No, no,” he said, turning around and heading for a table. “I asked you to come to lunch, I can pay for it.”
I stood there, dumbfounded with the money in my hand. “I’m not used to people paying for me. I almost don’t know what to do.”
Hayden whipped his head in my direction and stared at me. “You just stick it back in your pocket and say, ‘Gee, Hayden, that was so sweet of you. Thanks,’ and sit down and eat.”
I tried to suppress the grin that formed across my lips, but it was useless. Hayden was adorable and charming. His dirty blonde hair had a perfect bed head look and he glowed with charisma. I couldn’t help but want to be around him.
“You’re such a dork. I know how to say thank you,” I said, taking a bite of my boring lettuce wrap. “Thank you.” Hayden smiled and pushed a small, peachy looking smoothie in front of me. My eyes met his.
“This was part of the special of the day. No carbs—relax. It’s organic vegetables and fruit only. I watched her make it. You’re allowed to have this.”
“There’s carbs in fruit and veggies.” He just stared at me so I continued. “There was no fruit juice added to make it?” I worried about the amount of sugar in this drink. It looked incredibly good, but I had to be careful and not over indulge.
“She used coconut water. It’s all natural so you’re safe.”
I smiled at Hayden, appreciating his thoughtfulness. He was making an effort by watching out for me.
Picking it up, I sipped the frothy concoction and swallowed. My eyes lit up as the icy drink hit my tongue and I took another sip, this time a larger one.
“Wow! This really is good. Here,” I handed it to him. “Try it.” Hayden swallowed and grinned, sipping the drink.
“I get the smoothies here a lot, but this was a new one they had today.”
“It’s really good. I can see why you get it.”
After a couple of minutes of eating our lunch in silence, I drank about half of the smoothie and handed the rest to Hayden. “Take it. I’m full from my wrap and this, I can’t finish the rest,” I lied. I could finish it, and I wanted to, but watching my weight was more important.
