Love Will

by Lori L. Otto

  “How can you ever forgive me?” I ask her.

  “I did a long time ago, Will. And if you need to hear me say it, I forgive you, honey. I know you were hurt–that it all came from pain deep down inside you… and until that was acknowledged and dealt with, I was going to take the brunt of it. I used to think your dad was lucky because he didn’t have to deal with the cruel things you would say. But I quickly realized that you very easily could have cut me out of your life completely like you did with him–like you did with Laila and Landry. You’re the one who doesn’t forgive once you’ve been pushed too far. I knew that I–somehow–hadn’t reached that threshold yet. I always had hope that you would come around someday.”

  “I promise to be better, Mom.”

  “You are better. When you walked in the door today, your demeanor had changed so much from the last time I saw you. You seem less burdened and more talkative and… happy, Will. You seem happy. I’m not sure I remember a time when you were happy, and that’s all I ever wanted for you.”

  “Shea makes me feel… light. Brightness and warmth and clarity. She’s like the most brilliant star I’ve ever seen… and I’m sure I’ve seen billions.”

  “She complements you,” she says. “You both seem so natural together. So comfortable.”

  I nod my head. “I’ve never felt such a… pull to another person. It’s like the universe is working for us to be together.”

  “I wouldn’t think that you’d believe in such things.”

  “I wouldn’t normally… but even I can’t deny what’s happening between us.” I smile at her. “Do you like her?”

  “I never in a thousand years would have thought you’d bring a girl like her home with you. She seems too traditional for you.”

  “Because she likes to be in a kitchen?” I laugh as my mom nods. “She’s not as traditional as you may think. She’s just a trained chef… that’s her thing.”

  “She has traditional values, too, which–by the way–I’ve been counting… I think you owe us ten laps around the house in your undies.”

  “You’re gonna rat me out?” I ask her, stunned that she’d even suggest that I go out nearly-naked in the cold.

  She smiles at me and squeezes my forearm. “You go break up this boisterous card game and get everyone to do something that doesn’t threaten to wake my granddaughter, and I’ll give you a pass tonight.”

  “Consider it done.” I give her one last hug before checking my face in the mirror and heading back into the living room, telling my brothers that I’m exhausted from my day of travel and ready to retire to my room.

  “We’ll keep it down,” Max promises. I’d hoped to break up the party, but everyone seems pretty comfortable, including Shea. I kiss her and tell everyone else goodnight before going upstairs.

  Instead of unpacking, which would be the sensible thing to do, I reflect back on the conversation I had with my mother and start writing feverishly in my notebook. In a half-hour, I’ve got lyrics to a new song penned.

  Six young eyes look up in wonder

  Watch a mother douse her pain

  Family is torn asunder

  Bottle bears a life of strain

  Every sip; grows more unsightly

  Serves him up another round

  Bedroom door, revolving nightly

  Asks us not to make a sound

  A woman sharing my own eyes, unrecognizable to me

  Rebelled against her nurturing side; just wasn’t meant to be

  A broken heart, it crushed her soul, derailed her from her path

  One son would blindly follow her, internalize the wrath

  Love destroyed me, heart was hardened

  I was sixteen, just a boy

  She was faithless, then it started

  Life was nothing but a ploy

  Taking comfort in relations

  Stroke me, use me, calm my mind

  Never fearful of damnation–

  I’m the boy Mom left behind

  A woman sharing my own eyes, unrecognizable to me

  Rebelled against her nurturing side; just wasn’t meant to be

  A broken heart, it crushed her soul, derailed her from her path

  One son would blindly follow her, internalize the wrath

  She’s sober now and thinking clear

  It’s me who can’t see through the blear

  My brothers find the faults in me

  I think it’s how I want to be

  I realize when I’m all alone

  I was always first to cast the stone

  It’s her I see in this old mirror

  She never left; she was always here.

  Twenty-four and wandering, aimless,

  Stumbled into love one day

  Came to terms that I’m not blameless

  Sorrow mounts, to her dismay

  Empathy for all her anguish

  Rushed me like a flooding creek

  After that, she’d never languish

  From the barbs I used to speak

  A woman sharing my own eyes, unrecognizable to me

  Rebelled against her nurturing side; just wasn’t meant to be

  A broken heart, it crushed her soul, but couldn’t steal her light

  One son would proudly follow her, encouraged by her fight

  I take out the vintage guitar and one of the new picks Damon had made for me, celebrating my name change. It was a thoughtful Christmas present, for sure. Leaning back on my bed, I’m surprised at how comfortable it is. I’ve grown so accustomed to the thin mattress of the tour bus bunk that even an eight-year-old overly-used mattress feels like heaven to me. The box springs squeak with every move I make, and again, I’m glad that I saved up the money I’d made that summer working at the record store to completely sound-proof the room. I’d even put special padding under the carpet.

  “That’s not the chair, is it?” Shea asks, startling me as she enters and pointing to an old seat that used to be in our living room but somehow made its way upstairs since I was last here.

  “What chair?”

  “Your lecherous chair.”

  “Oh,” I say, remembering I’d told her about the chair from my old apartment. “No. That’s in storage. I swear, you will never have to see it.” I put the guitar away, inspired more by her now than by the song.

  “Okay… but this bed is…”

  “It’s where we’re sleeping while we’re here,” I tell her, yanking on her arm and pulling her down next to me.

  “It’s so noisy,” she whispers as I lean over to kiss her.

  “Nobody can hear us, I promise,” I tell her. “If you want to go down to the kitchen and listen while I have a little fun on my own, by all means… but I wasn’t kidding when I told you earlier I couldn’t wait to be with you tonight. So if you’re gonna do that, be quick.”

  She pushes me on my back and climbs on top of me. “Physicists don’t lie,” she spouts off knowingly with her hands gently tickling my chest.

  “They don’t,” I confirm with a smirk, holding her as I roll over to place myself on top of her.

  Chapter 19

  On the twenty-ninth, Damon rents out a party room at the restaurant next to the club we’re playing to have a holiday party for the band and our family and friends. By now, Shea’s met everyone I consider family–which is basically my mom, brothers, and Livvy’s family. She fits in as if she’s always been a part of our world, and nearly everyone has taken me aside at some point to tell me how much they like her.

  Livvy and Shea have really hit it off, though, and last night, they teamed up and cooked a six course meal for me and Jon at the loft. Figuring we’d be up late, we had already planned to stay over in the guest room at my brother’s place. Even the crying baby in the next room didn’t wake me up this morning, although Shea got up to help Livvy with my niece. I don’t remember a time in my life when I’ve gotten so much sleep as I have over the past week, even taking into account the amount of time we haven’t been sleeping at n
ight.

  “Will!” my former boss shouts from across the room. He’s dressed like he came straight from work, which I’m sure he did. “Will Scott, is it now?”

  “Hey, Mike! Yeah, I made it official yesterday.” I give him a firm handshake when he reaches me, then turn to my side to make introductions. “Shea, this is Mike Cooper. He’s my boss at Perihelion. Mike, this is Shea Livingston, my date.” I look at her and smile nervously.

  “Nice to meet you, sir.”

  “The pleasure is mine, Miss Livingston.”

  “Call me, Shea, please.”

  “And where did you meet Will?”

  “In my hometown of Minneapolis,” she says. “He was stranded for five days in a blizzard and wandered into my restaurant.”

  “Oh, so you’re not from here?”

  “No, I’m not…”

  A look of worry comes across Mike’s face. “Now, Will, you’re not having second thoughts about coming back after your tour, are you?”

  “Not at all,” I tell him, wrapping my arm around Shea’s waist.

  “So this is just a date then? Nothing serious…” my boss says, putting me on the spot.

  “I wouldn’t say that.” Although Shea and I haven’t decided anything, she knows that I’d like for her to look for a job in New York. “I’ve got months before I have to work out all the details, Mike. But I went over to NYU today and I’ve been accepted to the PhD program, so… that’s one hurdle out of the way.”

  Mike gives me a hug for that. “That’s big news. So exciting. It’s going to be tough… but so worth it. Abu Dhabi? I mean…”

  “What?” Shea asks.

  “It’s a new program,” I tell her. “I just found out the details, but yeah. Part of my time would be spent in the UAE.” She expels all her breath at once, looking shocked. Once she spies Livvy, she leaves me and walks toward her.

  “Hope I didn’t ruffle any feathers…”

  “No,” I tell him. “I just hadn’t found a way to break the news to her.”

  “So it is serious?”

  “Yeah, kind of.”

  “Well, when you’re here in Manhattan, feel free to use our labs for your work. Whatever resources you need, just ask. And you know we’ll reimburse any extraneous costs associated with your coursework,” he reminds me.

  “Yes, it’s incredibly generous.”

  “Hell, if we didn’t have that policy, Will, we’d find a way to make it happen to get you on the payroll again. We can’t wait to have you back. I know the team is dying to get you in the office… although they tell me you’re doing some consulting for them off the books.”

  I shrug my shoulders. “It’s fun for me. I like a challenge.”

  “You should be getting paid for your work.” He hands me an envelope. “At least take the bonus check you would have earned had you stayed on. And don’t argue with me.”

  I tuck it in the inner pocket of my jacket. “Thank you. Help yourself to some food and drinks. It’s all free. I need to smooth things over with Shea. Are you coming to the concert?”

  “I think I will. You’ve never invited me before.” I’d never wanted him to witness my bad behavior in the past.

  “Well, we’ve come a long way. Hope you enjoy it.”

  I walk over to my mother and Livvy’s parents, which is where I last saw Livvy.

  “Jack, Emi, thank you for coming.” I embrace them both, still looking around the room for their daughter and Shea. “Did you see where Livvy went?”

  “She and Jon took Shea outside for some fresh air.” Mom pats me on the back as I walk away. That’s not a good sign, and I take a deep breath before leaving the back door of the restaurant.

  The women are leaning against the back of Jon’s car. Shea’s got her arms crossed in front of her chest, already taking a defensive posture. My brother steps back as I approach, giving me space to talk to her. I squat down in front of her, holding her hands in mine.

  “You’re upset with me,” I state, don’t ask.

  “I want specifics.”

  I nod my head, feeling everyone’s eyes boring into me. “I go to Abu Dhabi from June to August. I’m back until early January of next year, and then I’m gone until August, but that’s the worst of it, I swear. After that, I come back, finish out my studies, and then I just have to go one more time to present my thesis… that’s only a week or so. They’re doing me a favor by letting me in. I missed the applications deadline, but… well, they think they’ll probably name a building after me at NYU someday or some bullshit, so I didn’t even have to ask twice. It’s the Center for Space Science. It’s a big deal… a fellowship, so I don’t pay for anything, and Perihelion said they’d help me with anything over and above what the school provides.

  “My professor said they want to work with me as badly as I want to work with them. Shea,” I say to her, “I know it’s not exactly what we talked about. I thought I would be here going to school, but that’s not an option.”

  “Where does that leave me?” she asks.

  “We still have time to think about things,” I remind her, “but if you ask me today, I’d want you to look for a place to work here… and move here.”

  “I can’t afford to be here on my own.”

  “I’ll help you.” I remember the check that Mike just gave me, recalling how nice the bonus was last year, and pull it out of my jacket. After tearing open the envelope, I smile at her. “I’ll be able to rent a decent place. I’ll be getting some royalty checks starting in the summer for Damon’s new album. The school gives us a stipend for housing while we’re here… and I bet this is one of those things Perihelion would help with. I’ll still be doing consulting with them while I’m in the city.”

  “Don’t forget the payments from the royalty deal the record company offered you,” Jon says.

  “If I take it, yeah,” I say. Everyone looks shocked now. “I haven’t decided if that’s the right thing for me, that’s all. I have time to figure that out, too.”

  “Shea, we can always help, as well,” Livvy says.

  “Hell, no, I wouldn’t let you help with that,” Shea says, nearly laughing as she says it.

  “We wouldn’t let things fall apart,” Jon adds. “That’s all we’re saying. Anything for my brothers. That’s how we live around here.”

  I stand up and shake his hand.

  “And, I mean… maybe you all could come visit or something,” I suggest.

  “I’m definitely going,” Jon says. “I’m pretty sure that’s a write-off for my company, with all the amazing architecture they have over there. I would love to be accompanied by my wife and my brother’s girlfriend… Shea, surely you have a birthday coming up in the next year.”

  That gets a giggle out of her. “In May,” I tell him on her behalf.

  “Well, I don’t think Livvy and I can go this year since Willow beat Will to the punch with her plans… but if you’d like to get a head start this year and give him a nice send-off, consider it our gift to you. Then we can all go and visit him next year when he’s really homesick.”

  “It’s only three months this year.”

  “Yes, but after we’ve already been apart while you’re finishing up the tour,” she says.

  “Are you getting used to be around me or something?” I ask.

  “So what if I am?”

  I grin at her. “It would make me happy if you were.” As Livvy grabs Jon’s hand and leads him back into the restaurant, I take my sister-in-law’s place against the car. “Because I have loved every moment we’ve been together this week. And even when you’ve been off with Liv and away from me, I’ve loved those moments, too, because you’re just becoming more and more a part of my life. Everyone adores you, Shea. Everyone.”

  “Everyone?”

  “Me, included.” She reaches for my face and brings me in to kiss her. It’s one of those dirty kisses we probably shouldn’t do in public, but we’re doing it anyway, and I don’t mind a bit. If someone wanted to
televise this, I wouldn’t be ashamed at all–because it’s with her. “One other thing,” I say once we part for a breath, “I want you to come see me again while we’re on tour. I’d love for you to meet up with me… maybe in Colorado.” I don’t tell her why yet, but I’d love to have her at my side when I go to confront my father. “That’s only a little more than a month out. Do you think you could do that?”

  “As long as I haven’t found a job yet…”

  “Are you still going to look for one in Minneapolis?”

  “I probably should.”

  “Please consider New York.”

  “Let’s see how the next three months go.”

  “Don’t you know how they’re going to go?” I ask her, pulling her up and wrapping my arms around her. She shakes her head, but smiles at me curiously. “I do.”

  “All this time, I thought you said you were into astronomy… you were saying astrology? Are you one of those people?” she asks, trying to push me away from her playfully, but I don’t let her go.

  “Yes, because like I’ve told you, astrologists don’t lie.” I maintain a straight face. “Aries and Taurus make a good match… the next three months are going to be smooth sailing. There will be vast amounts of phone sex,” I tell her softly before I nip at her ear, “where I recite fucking romantic song lyrics that may or may not be written by me, but are guaranteed to get you off every time.”

  “No song with the word tenderoni gets me off, just to be clear,” she teases me.

  “Okay, some of P.Y.T.’s lyrics sound hot when you say them with the right tempo and voice. I was getting somewhere with you until you realized what I was quoting.” We both start laughing, remembering one night from a few weeks ago. “Anyway. I’ll send you funny quotes Tavo says when he’s drunk or what stupid thing gets uptight-Ben’s panties in a wad. We’ll have video chats where you’ll tell me the latest about your cousin’s quest to find the perfect woman, which I think is pretty hot.”