Polar Destiny

by Skye MacKinnon

  I draw my knees close to my chest, making myself comfortable in the snow. It's not as soft as it could be, but it'll do. It won't be long anyway. My body is weak already and I can feel the cold seeping into my bones. I'm shivering all over, but I know that at some stage, it will stop. I'll just have to get through that first phase.

  I think of the bears, probably cosy somewhere in their new home. Bah, I shouldn't be thinking of them. They're not worth my last thoughts. Instead, I try to remember my parents. I was young when they died, and most of my memories are smells and feelings, not pictures. They drowned, trapped in their house when a tsunami hit. I was with my uncle and aunt when it happened, spending time on their farm. My parents wanted me to be around animals and nature for a week, but they had to work, so it was just me at my uncle's house. They both worked at the hospital and the wards were already overcrowded with the victims of the last tsunami. They happened regularly back then, but none had been as bad as the one that killed them. Before, there had been more warnings. Not that time. They never had a chance to go to higher ground.

  Tears are pooling in my eyes. I don't think of my parents often. Knowing that I could have had a normal life instead of growing up with my uncle made me mad. Not sad. Angry. I never considered myself to be an angry person, but now that I think of it, I see that I have been angry most of my life.

  Guess it's true what they say. You think back over your life when you die. Not that I'm seeing images flash before my eyes or anything like that. I just...

  I close my eyes and let my mind drift. Thinking is getting difficult. It won't be long now.

  Something wet and warm bumps against my cheek. I ignore it. I couldn't move even if I wanted to. I'm frozen, a part of the landscape. My eyes are glued shut, but for some reason, my mind is suddenly wide awake. Something is different.

  My thoughts are... It's like the feeling of being watched, but inside my head. Like someone else is reading my thoughts. But that can't be. Magic isn't real.

  Bears are magic.

  Yes, maybe, but not that kind of magic. They may be able to shift, but that's a physical thing, not like-

  What? Am I talking to myself now?

  Yes you are.

  Perfect. I've gone crazy in my last few moments. Or maybe I'm already dead and this is a side effect?

  Don't be stupid.

  Okay. Not dead then. My cheek is prodded again. Ouch. Pain means alive. Now I've got two pieces of evidence that say I'm not dead yet. Could the Grim Reaper please hurry up? I really don't want to prolong this.

  A growl close to my ear, must be a bear. Go away. I never want to see one of you again.

  You don't like bears?

  The voice in my head has turned snippy. Very much unlike my own. Mmmhm... an angel, maybe? Preparing me for the afterlife?

  Grow up.

  Excuse me?! I'm an adult. Don't belittle me.

  Grown-ups don't just lie down to die. They fight. They deal with their problems.

  There are some problems that can't be dealt with, I sigh internally.

  True. But this one you can deal with.

  What do you know? You're just a weird figment of my imagination.

  False. I am the problem.

  Well, if you're the problem, could you piss off and leave my head, pretty please?

  I can't. Not yet. But Bertrand is getting impatient. If you don't open your eyes, he's going to bite you to see if you're still alive. I wouldn't recommend that. I can feel your pain.

  The bear nudging my cheek was Bertrand? That would make sense. And thank goodness it wasn't one of the others. I didn't want them there for my death.

  Could you please stop with the dying talk? It's getting boring.

  It's my right to think what I want. Now shut up. I refuse to go crazy.

  Go crazy? You already are.

  The growling has turned louder. I better do something about it. I blink open one eye, fighting against the tiredness that keeps me in its grip.

  Good girl.

  A panda is looking straight at me, his dark eyes reflecting the bright snow around us. Then he does something unexpected: he lies down next to me, pressing tight against my body. He's trying to warm me, I think. I wish I could move so I could tell him to go away.

  He says that help is on the way.

  Brain, could you shut up, please? And how would you know that anyway?

  I'm not your brain, silly. Now please stay alive until they come. I don't want to lose my host as soon as I've found one.

  Host? So you're a parasite?

  Not quite. She sounded upset. I thought you were clever. How long is it going to take you to figure it out?

  I'm tired, I sighed mentally. Leave me alone. I don't need a crazy brain tumour talking to me.

  Pull yourself together, you silly human. Other people would be proud to have me on board. I'm one of the best, the strongest. You should bow to me, not call me a ... parasite.

  Okay, I've completely lost the plot now. Hopefully death will come soon. I don't want my last moments filled with crazy thoughts.

  But something is changing. I feel better. Stronger. How the hell is that happening? I'm still in the snow and despite the panda warming me, I've been in the snow for too long to recover suddenly. No, it's something else.

  He's coming, the voice in my head says cheerfully. I'm finally going to meet my mate.

  She sounds just as excited as I am horrified. Mate? Torben. He's coming. He's supposed to leave me alone. He's done enough damage already.

  I open my eyes again and it's easy this time. Bertrand notices it and nudges me with his large paw. I move and he lets out a happy growl. If a bear growl can be happy, that is. It could mean a lot of other things as well.

  No, he's happy.

  I'm getting warmer and the cold is slowly pushed out of my body. I can feel my muscles soften and the shivers stop. I no longer feel like I'm dying. On the contrary, I feel very much alive. But that shouldn't be possible. The book said that an incomplete bond would kill the human.

  You should have read the whole chapter.

  How was I supposed to be able to read on after it told me that Torben had killed me?

  Not just you. Himself too. Look at him.

  Muffled noises are coming closer. The snow swallows most sounds but when I sit up a little, I see five bears running towards me. Torben is behind the others, having trouble to keep up. The closer he gets, the more I can see the change. His pure white fur has turned yellow and dull, his movements are slow and unsteady. He's running, but it looks like he won't be able to do it for much longer. He's become weak.

  Just like me. Is the incomplete bond hurting him as well?

  That thought makes my head spin. It means things are very different from what I thought. I close my eyes and sink back to the ground. I want to understand, but nothing makes sense. The book...

  They shouldn't have given that to you. They should have let me explain.

  You? You're my mind which means you know just as much as I do. And now that I'm feeling better, could you please disappear? I already talk to my ovaries, I don't need an imaginary friend as well.

  Don't worry, you don't need to come up with a name for me. I already have one.

  I sigh. Seriously?

  I'm Alis, nice to meet you.

  Yeah, right. My brain has given itself a name. Real mature.

  A wet bear snout touches my cheek and warm breath is blown over my face. Yucky.

  I look up into Torben's black bear eyes. They are so full of emotion, even in his shifted form. I don't know what to think. He looks weak and exhausted, I want to cuddle him, but no, that would be wrong, I'm angry at him. Furious. I should stick to my anger and stay away from the pity and sympathy that's creeping up on me.

  What have you done to him? My inner voice has turned shrill and panicked.

  Me? Nothing. The question is, what has he done to both of us?

  You need to complete the bond, he's closer to death than you are.
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  And whose fault is that? I kind of want to scream that question, but then they'd think I was even crazier than they already do.

  Torben nuzzles my throat, sniffing me as if to make sure that I'm still here. That I'm still alive. Silly bear.

  "You shouldn't have come," I whisper. "I'm still mad at you."

  He snorts.

  He says he's mad at you as well. But he likes me... Oh my, he really likes me!

  "Don't look," Finn says from behind me. "I'm naked."

  Bonnie and Clyde tell me to turn around. I kind of want to as well. It's so very tempting, but Torben's sad eyes save me from the embarrassment. He looks so vulnerable and ill that I want to reach up and cuddle him - until my anger comes back and reminds me why that would be a bad idea. He's hurt me. He almost killed me. Maybe he will still. I have no idea why I'm suddenly feeling better, and who knows if it will stay this way.

  "Okay, now you can look. We just wanted to have one of us human to communicate with you." Finn sounds relieved but also a bit unsure about how to approach me. I left in a rush and never spoke to the other guys. Only to Torben, and then ran as fast as I could. I don't know what they're thinking of me. Are they mad at me? Or at their leader? Disappointed? Sad?

  I have no idea. My head is spinning with all the stuff happening just now. A weird voice in my head, a naked man behind me, a sick polar bear standing above me and I'm still snuggled against a panda. My life has become very weird.

  Eleven

  The silence is driving me crazy. Nobody is speaking, everyone is staring into the flames or onto the floor. I'm no longer cold, in fact, I'm hot enough to be almost feverish. I roll up my sleeves but with the fire warming the room, it won't make much difference. I could probably be sitting here naked and still feel hot.

  I agreed to come back to Arnold and Bertrands' house. We all need to talk. Which is why it's weird that nobody is saying anything. I don't want to be the first to speak, though. Yes, I have about a thousand questions, but maybe Torben or the others should go first.

  Good girl. Let the alpha talk first. Important rule. Unless you're more dominant than the alpha. Then you begin.

  Just when I thought I got rid of the voice in my head, she's back. Maybe I am running a fever? Hallucinations? Again?

  Stop the charade. You know who I am.

  No, I don't. Leave me alone.

  Suddenly, everyone is staring at me. Did I say that aloud? Ooops.

  "I was just telling her to... never mind," I mutter, remembering that I probably shouldn't admit to hearing voices. I may be surrounded by bear shifters, but that doesn't mean that they won't know crazy when they see it.

  "So it has started," Arnold says softly. Not at all ominous. Yeah, right.

  "It's too fast," his partner murmurs with a frown. "Her bear shouldn't appear just before it's too late. The last warning sign. But she's not at that stage yet."

  My bear.

  What. The. Fuck.

  I should have known. They told me I wasn't turning into a bear. Instead, I've got a bear parasite inside of me. Alis.

  Hey sweetie. You finally got it.

  I want to throw her out of my brain. Except that might not be where she is. How does this work? How is she inside of me? Do I suddenly have two minds? Two souls? And when my claws appear, is that her doing?

  Yup, that's me. I don't have much control yet, but claws are easy.

  I shake my head.

  "No. This isn't happening. Get her out of me."

  Húnn gently puts a hand on my shoulder but I shake him off. I wrap my arms around my knees and bury my face on my legs. I don't want to see any of them. They've done this to me. I've never wanted to be anything but human. Even when I met the bears, I didn't want to be one of them. I'm Isla, just Isla, the human girl from Salvation Island. I am not a bear shifter.

  "That isn't possible, honey," Finn says softly. I hate him for using that nickname. It's a thing of the past. I'm so done with all of them.

  "The moment you drank Torben's blood-"

  "Wait, I drank his blood?!" I'm on my feet in a flash, prowling towards Torben.

  "I wouldn't do that. Why would I do that?"

  Bertrand clears his throat. "When a male bear is aroused, he releases pheromones that have an effect on the female. It makes her ready to take him and if she's his mate, ready to conceive. Women respond in different ways to it. For female bears, it gives her more energy and pleasure. In humans, it's not very well researched. Most bears stay amongst themselves and don't interact much with humans. But for you... well, you bit Torben's shoulder and began to drink his blood."

  "No, that can't be..." I stand in the middle of the room, not sure what to say or do. His eyes are telling the truth, and I dimly remember a strange taste in my mouth. But... no.

  "Why didn't he stop me?" I ask Bertrand, ignoring Torben.

  "His bear had taken over. That can happen when they meet their... mate. He didn't have enough control to stop you."

  "Please tell me you didn't say 'mate' just now," I mumble, feeling a little faint. It's too much.

  Torben sighs. "I wasn't sure before. I didn't think it would happen the first time, otherwise I would have never let us get that far. Usually it takes a few times for mates to recognise each other. And even then, the bear gives some warning. But in our case it was different. Maybe it's because you're human. I don't know anyone who's been mated to a human before."

  "I do," Arnold says and everyone turns to him. He's grabbing his partner's hand and it looks like he's nervous. "I was mated to a human man once, a long time ago. I didn't realise we belonged together until our third... encounter. My bear warned me and I managed to keep the man from biting me. We mated, but in a controlled way. It's hard if you want them to stay human as you always need to be in perfect control. But I respected his wishes, even though it was hard sometimes."

  A solitary tear is running down his cheek.

  "What happened to him?" I ask gently and he gives me a sad smile.

  "He died in a traffic accident. Shortly afterwards, I met Bertie. I'm honoured to have found two mates in my lifetime. Some people never even find one."

  I'm tempted to go over and give him a hug. He looks so sad, but then he turns to Bertrand and smiles. Their love is real and it warms my heart to see it. But they are both shifters. They don't have the problem I have with Torben.

  "So what happens now?" I ask, hugging myself. My anger has lessened and a deep sadness has taken hold. I think I'm saying goodbye to my old life. I know it's over.

  "What did you learn from reading the book?" Bertrand asks.

  I frown. Surely he's read it himself?

  "When Torben slept with me, he started the bonding process. The bond changes both partners and makes them more compatible with each other. In my case, it's the extra strength and better senses." I look at my fingers. "And the claws, I guess. Not sure what's changed for Torben. But the bond is hungry and needs energy to do its work. If it isn't completed, the female dies."

  "And so does the male," Ràn says quietly. I look at him in surprise. He's been quiet all this time. And the male... no wonder Torben is looking that ill.

  "But it didn't say that in the book," I stammer, feeling like someone punched me in the gut. Torben is dying. I can't let that happen. "But I feel better now... shouldn't he be better as well?"

  "The bond is now getting all the energy from me," Torben mutters. His skin has taken on a sickly pallor and there's a slight tremor in his limbs. My heart goes out to him but my mind stops it. It's his own fault.

  He needs your help. Alis sounds sad. Now that I know she isn't a figment of my imagination, I notice how she has her own distinct voice. And she's definitely got a personality that's different from my own. I kind of want to get to know her better - and tell her to get out of my body afterwards. It's mine. My ovaries, my boobs, my body.

  "How can we stop it?" I ask before Alis can prod me further.

  Torben looks at me in surprise. "The only way
is to complete the bond. But I don't want to force you to do it. I got us into this mess, so I should be the one to deal with the consequences."

  I laugh hysterically. "I wouldn't call dying 'deal with the consequences'. The book didn't say anything about how to complete the bond. In fact, it said that if it wasn't completed during... sex," I swallow before I say that word, I'm still not quite used to that kind of language, "that I'd die. End of."

  "What kind of book did you give her?" Finn asks angrily and our hosts look a little uncomfortable.

  "It does say it in the next chapter," Bertrand mumbles. "What she read is written to scare teenagers into never having sex unless they're sure about it. Then in the chapter after, it tells them how to rectify it."

  I stare at him. "So nobody needs to die?"

  Arnold snickers until he sees how serious I am. "Unless you try to kill yourself again or refuse to complete the bond, nobody is going to die."

  "So how do we complete that stupid bond?"

  You know that already, Alis whispers and she's right. I just don't want to believe it.

  "You... ehm... have to sleep together," Bertrand explains, blushing slightly. "You passed out last time so the bond didn't get a chance to form. And I assume that this time, Torben will have to drink some of your blood."

  "Not going to do it," I say automatically. I have no idea what I was thinking when they I bit Torben, but at least I can blame it on his pheromones. I was in a frenzy and only half-conscious. There, I've got a good excuse.

  Torben gets up on his feet, swaying slightly. Húnn moves to help him, but the alpha shakes his head. He's too proud.

  It kills me to see him like that.

  You love him.

  For once, Alis may be right. Now that he's standing in front of me, the suffering clear in his face, I know that he's doing this for me. That he really is sorry. That it was an accident. That it could have - no, should have been a beautiful moment between us two, not a mating gone wrong. All I wanted was to be with him. Give myself to him. Except that it went a bit too far.

  Yes, becoming a bear shifter is maybe a bit more than you bargained for.