Sift

by L. D. Davis

  The warmth that spread through my limbs had nothing to do with the steamy July night. The butterflies dipped and swerved in my stomach, making me feel a little breathless. A strong emotion was building inside of me, and though I had tried to stop it in the past, there was nothing I could do to slow it down anymore. Sooner than later it was going to crest and then overtake me. I wasn’t ready for it, but there was no way to prepare myself for it either. There was no lifeline to keep me from going under. It was much too late for that.

  “Are you tired?” Connor asked after several minutes.

  “A little bit,” I admitted.

  “Why don’t we go into my bedroom, snuggle up in bed and watch a movie?” he suggested.

  I smiled. “I like that you’re a man who isn’t afraid of the S word.”

  He smiled. “As long as you are my snuggling partner, I have no reason to fear it.”

  I drifted off to sleep in Connor’s arms that night while watching Kung Fu Hustle. Just before sleep took me completely, I thought I felt his light kiss on my head and his soft whisper in my ear.

  “I love you.”

  Chapter Forty-Three

  The following day was supposed to be a day full of activity. First, Connor, his parents, and I were going to go to breakfast. After that, Connor and I were going to stop at his grandmother’s and visit with her for a little while. Then he was going to take me on a tour of his hometown and show me all of the places of interest and his old hangouts. I loved that idea because it meant that I’d get more of the pieces that made Connor who he was.

  After the tour, we were going to head to the beach and boardwalk and then meet up with a few of Connor’s old friends in the evening. That was how the day was supposed to go down, but when we were only minutes away from walking out the door for breakfast, Connor got a phone call.

  “It’s work,” he said with an exasperated sigh. “I can’t go to breakfast. I have to jump on the computer for a little while to try to fix a problem.”

  I frowned. “I thought you were off for the week.”

  He grimaced. “Yeah, so did I. I’m sorry, Darla. You should go on ahead to breakfast with my parents. Hopefully, I’ll finish quickly, and we’ll be able to get on with our day.”

  I started to object, but the three of them together were very convincing. Besides, I didn’t want his parents to think that I didn’t want to be around them or anything, so I agreed.

  “Do you want us to bring you anything to eat?” I asked.

  He sighed again and waved a hand. “No. I’ll grab a bowl of cereal or something here. Don’t worry about me.”

  Breakfast with Kirk and Nerissa was nice. They told me funny stories about Connor when he was a kid, told me their story about how they met on the boardwalk during summer vacation when they were only teenagers, and asked me about my own family and my life in Philly with Cherry.

  When breakfast was over, I expected us to go back to the house, but instead, I ended up riding along with Connor’s parents for the next two hours as they went shopping for new window treatments for the kitchen. His parents were great, but at the end of the two hours, I really wanted to get back to Connor. I thought by then, he would be finished with his unexpected work, but we didn’t go back to the house then either. Connor called Kirk and told him he still had a little more work to do, and why not take me over to see Adeline.

  Again, I had nothing against Kirk, Nerissa, and dear old granny Adeline, but I was a little irritated with Connor for inviting me down to spend time with him, and I was spending most of my time with his family instead.

  By the time we pulled into the driveway, four hours had gone by since we first left for breakfast. Connor met us at the door with an apologetic look on his face. We let his parents go in ahead of us, and we hung back and stood almost in the same spot we had stood when I’d first arrived, and Connor had almost admitted that he…

  “I’m sorry,” he said with sincerity. “I am really sorry. I didn’t mean to take so long and to stick you with the Old Ones.”

  I sighed with a small laugh. “I was a little irritated that you were working, but it’s okay now. Your parents are good folks. It was a little awkward in the beginning, mind you, but we got through it.”

  He held onto my hands. “Again, I apologize. It’s just that I had to do it.”

  “I know,” I said softly.

  “Come on. I have something to show you. Hopefully, it will make up for this morning.”

  I followed him into the house and into the kitchen. Kirk and Nerissa were hanging about as if they were waiting for something, but pretending to be busy. They both looked at me as I took a few more steps into the kitchen. I realized that even Connor was looking at me with expectation.

  Finally, I looked around at the three of them and said, “What? Why y’all lookin’ at me like that?”

  My South was showing, but I didn’t care. Connor’s eyes shifted to something behind me, and finally, taking the hint, I slowly turned around to see why they were all acting so strangely. There was a cake on the counter, and it was only then that I recognized that smell, that baking smell.

  “What…” I started, glancing quickly at Connor and his parents before looking back at the cake. “What is that?”

  Kirk and Nerissa only smiled and quietly left the room. A few seconds later I heard the front door close.

  “Well, I know I’m not a fancy pastry chef or anything, but I do think that my cake somewhat resembles something edible,” Connor said, placing a hand on my back and guiding me closer to the counter.

  I took a closer look. The small sheet cake was cobalt blue. On the left side was a depiction of what looked like Earth. The navy blue sphere wasn’t really that spherical, and I supposed that the green globs within the circle were supposed to be continents. To the right of the…erm…Earth were familiar words written in red gel.

  “The places you will go,” I read in a murmur.

  I stared at the cake, as my mind went blank.

  “You said you didn’t celebrate your birthday,” Connor said softly beside me. “So, I thought I’d make up a day of my own to celebrate you, who you are, your dreams.”

  My eye caught on a pink envelope with my name written on the front. It seemed as if it were someone else’s hand reaching for it and gently tearing it open. I pulled out the sparkly pink card with my name spelled out with gems of various colors on the front. There were felt hearts, plastic stars, and glittery beads glued in random spots.

  “You really do have a hidden collection of Mod Podge,” I whispered, and opened the card. My eyes first went to the small red raffle ticket taped to the lower half. Confused, I began to read Connor’s neat print.

  Darla,

  I know this doesn’t look like much, but this ticket is magical. This ticket is your passport into the world, your license to live as you were meant to live. With this ticket, you can go anywhere on the planet. You can have Taco Margarita parties in the heart of Mexico, eat fermented shark meat in Iceland, or balut in the Philippines, or sip coffee made from beans that were digested by a cat in Indonesia. With this ticket, you can go work in Suwalki or Hobo, or Phnom Penh (I’m not really sure where any of those places are).

  When YOU are ready to activate your ticket, bring it to me and tell me you are ready. You want the world, Darla, and you should have it.

  Love,

  Connor

  “I…I don’t understand,” I said, looking up at Connor’s face.

  “Whenever you decide when and where you want to go, Darla, I’ll make sure that you get there. Whether it’s a flight or two or three, and a ride by camel back, or pack mule, or whatever you may need to get there.”

  Completely floored, I could only stand there and gape at him for several moments before I began to shake my head.

  “Connor, no,” I said, taking an involuntary step backward out of surprise. “I can’t accept that.”

  “Was it the card?” he asked.

  My brow furrowed. “What?
”

  “The card.” His eyes flicked down to the card in my hand and back to me. “Corinne helped me with it yesterday before you got here. She did amazing work, but maybe I added too many glitter beads?”

  I fought it hard, but the smile came anyway, followed by a small, dismayed laugh.

  “The card was…it was the most beautiful gift I’ve ever received,” I said honestly. “But I can’t—”

  “Oh!” Connor interjected, digging into his pocket. A second later he dangled something in my face. It was a keychain of the earth, and there was a key attached to it. “Open your other hand.”

  Baffled, I hesitated only a couple of seconds before raising my hand and opening it. Connor placed the keychain in my hand and grinned with satisfaction.

  “Do you understand what has just happened here?” he asked.

  Again, I tried to hide my smile, but I couldn’t help it. There was a level of joy I’d never felt before glowing brighter inside of me with every passing second.

  “You just gave me the world,” I whispered, and to my surprise, my voice quaked, and I felt moisture in my eyes.

  Though I wasn’t going to admit it to anyone, I had felt my dreams sifting through my fingers more and more with each passing day. I used to be able to imagine myself in some other part of the world, but over the past several months or more, that became harder to do. I had begun to believe my dad, had started to believe that I was wasting my life and going nowhere.

  What Connor offered me was more significant than a keychain or a little red ticket. Even though I planned on paying for my own trip no matter what, his gifts had sparked hope in me again, had made my dreams become possibilities again. Hope and possibility. They were the best gifts anyone had ever given me in my entire life.

  “No matter what—or who happens,” Connor started softly, wiping tears from my cheeks I didn’t even realize had begun to fall. “You have to keep going. You have to do this. I’ll never forgive you if you don’t. Worst of all, you’ll never forgive yourself.”

  I nodded silently as I continued to cry and then carefully put the card and the keychain on the counter beside the cake. When the time came, I’d buy my own plane ticket, but Connor didn’t need to know that at the moment. He did need to know how much I appreciated him, how much I…

  “Thank you, Connor,” I said, my voice raspy. “Thank you so much. You have no idea what this means to me. I don’t know how I will ever repay you.”

  He smiled. “You can repay me by figuring out where you want to go and then actually going there.”

  I let out a little teary laugh. “Are you trying to get rid of me?”

  He rubbed the back of his neck. “In all honesty, getting rid of you is the very last thing that I want to do, but it’s not about me. It’s about time that someone made it about you.”

  I wiped at my eyes again and looked down at the cake. “You made this?”

  His ears turned pink. All the stuff he’d just said to me didn’t make him uncomfortable, but baking me a cake did.

  “Yes. It’s why I asked my parents to keep you out for half the day. What do you think?”

  “Umm…” I glanced up at his worried expression. “Well, let’s taste it.”

  He retrieved one fork and one plate and poured me a glass of milk. When he handed me the slice of marbled cake, I studied it for a moment before digging in. Connor watched me worriedly as I tasted it. After letting the flavors sit in my mouth for a moment, I took another bite and chewed.

  “Well?” he asked after I washed it down with some milk.

  “You made it from scratch?” I questioned, putting the plate down.

  He frowned. “Yes. You hate it don’t you?”

  The cake itself was pretty dry, and the icing was so sweet that my teeth had felt as if they were melting, but I stepped forward and wrapped my arms around Connor’s waist. I was one-hundred percent honest when I tilted my head and looked up into his eyes.

  “I love the cake, Connor. I love the keychain, and the card, and the ticket. I love that you made up a day just for me, and I love…you.”

  I had no right to say it to him, but I would say it again and again and again if I had to do it over. I would never take it back, because if we relived those moments for the rest of our lives, it would never not be true. I did love Connor, and not just because of the things he’d given to me on that day, and not just because of the person he was, but I loved him because of who I was when I was with him.

  When he kissed me, it was sensual and deep, and packed with emotions so strong, that it was staggering. One of his hands tightened in my hair, and the other was on my lower back, holding me firmly against his body. When he finally relinquished me from the kiss, my breaths were gone, and butterflies danced a wild dance in my belly. Resting his forehead against mine as he breathed against my mouth, resuscitating me, Connor finally responded to my admission.

  “I love you, too, Darla.”

  It made me jubilant, and it made me sad, but I let the words that needed to be said slide away. I would enjoy the day with Connor, celebrate the day he had given to me as my own.

  Tomorrow, I thought. We’ll talk about Caden tomorrow.

  Chapter Forty-Four

  At brunch late the following morning, I watched Nerissa and Kirk take their first bites of my cinnamon rolls. They groaned at the same time, their eyes closed, and Nerissa even did a happy little clapping thing.

  “I told you,” Connor said to his parents before giving me a wink.

  “I’ve never had a cinnamon roll melt in my mouth like that,” his mom said, with her hand daintily covering her full mouth as she spoke.

  Kirk just grunted and stuffed another large piece into his mouth.

  “This is the best thing I’ve eaten in a long time.”

  “You mean you didn’t enjoy my cake?” Connor challenged.

  She touched his hand and gave him a sympathetic look. “You are my son, and I love you, but your cake was horrible.”

  Kirk shook his head. “Tragic.”

  I bit my bottom lip and said nothing as I tried not to smile.

  “Okay,” Connor said, sighing with exaggeration. “In my haste to get the thing done there may have been some technical difficulties with some of the ingredients.”

  “My teeth hurt for hours after,” Nerissa said, laughing.

  Kirk piped in next. “The good news is that the thing was so dry that if we ever need to clean up a large liquid spill of any kind, we can just drop the cake on it to absorb it.”

  The teasing was warm and loving, not critical and shaming. We all laughed with Connor about his baking foray. Despite the nagging dread I felt in the pit of my stomach, the conversation made me feel light and comfortable.

  However, a couple hours later when Connor’s parents were preparing to go to a friend’s for a barbecue, the dread began to rise like the bile in my gut. I would be alone with Connor for a few hours until Kirk and Nerissa came back in the evening to welcome guests for drinks and snacks, and a perfect view of the fireworks. I had to use the time to talk to him.

  “You want to head out to the boardwalk?” Connor asked me after his parents were gone. “Or just hit up the beach?”

  “Maybe,” I said noncommittedly. “I wanted to talk to you about something first.”

  He arched an eyebrow. “If it’s about the cake, I promise I’ll never bake without you being present again.”

  I couldn’t help my little giggle. “I hope you keep that promise no matter what.”

  He held up three fingers. “Scouts honor.”

  I narrowed my eyes skeptically. “I don’t think you were a Boy Scout, Connor Chandler.”

  “You kidding me? I should get a badge for starting your fire last night.” His eyebrows went up and down suggestively.

  I playfully slapped at his chest. “That ain’t even how that works, you goofball.”

  He caught my hand and brought it to his lips. He’d been wrong about starting my fire last night. He�
��d started it long ago, and it had been burning ever since.

  “Come on,” he said, taking my hand into his. “Let’s talk outside.”

  It was a warm and clear day. Many boats bobbed up and down in the bay and the Atlantic beyond that. Connor had offered to take me out on his parent's boat the day before, but I never did too well out on the water. I would probably spend most of the time out there puking.

  We stopped in the grass a few feet from the water’s edge. I peered around at the impressive waterfront property, thinking about how peaceful it was there, but I couldn’t hang on to that peaceful feeling as I thought about the conversation we were about to have.

  I cleared my throat and tried to still my moving fingers as I looked up at Connor.

  “There might be a chance that you already know what I’m gonna tell you, but there might be just as big of a chance that you don’t know at all.”

  A hint of skepticism and curiosity appeared in his eyes, but he didn’t say anything. He just stood there with his arms crossed, waiting.

  I cleared my throat again. I was nervous. There was no point in shilly-shallying about it, though.

  “I don’t think I should accept your gifts,” I said in a rush of breath. “I don’t think it would be right. Connor, I’m…I’ve been…I’ve been seeing somebody else. It ain’t a commitment or anything. It’s kind of what you and I have going on now, but you should know that. Maybe I should have said something before, but I don’t know…I don’t know if I would want to know if you were seeing someone else.”

  That was the truth. Sometimes I wondered if Connor was FWBs with anyone else, like the woman he had canceled on after my truck had broken down. The thought of it always made my stomach twist a little bit, but I said nothing to him about her. It wasn’t my place to say anything.

  Connor sighed and looked out at the water for a moment before turning his gaze back to me.

  “Believe it or not, Darla, I am not a complete idiot. I have suspected it more than once. At least, I thought of the possibility. I wasn’t really sure until now.”