If I'd Only Known (Milan Women Series Book 1)

by Johnson, C. A.

  If I’d Only Known

  By

  C.A. Johnson

  Kindle Edition

  Copyright © 2015 by C.A. Johnson

  All rights reserved

  Published by C.A. Johnson

  Cover Design by C.A. Johnson

  All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced, stored in or introduced into a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means (electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise), without the prior written permission of the copyright owner, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

  This book is a work of fiction. Names, character, places, and incidents are products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously and are not to be construed as real. Any resemblance to actual events, locales, organizations, or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

  Summary

  Perri Milan is a single mother determined to protect her daughter at all costs, especially from R&B artist, Barrington Knight, her daughter’s father. Her way of ensuring this was to keep him in the dark about the fact that she was carrying his child in the first place. She figured he hurt her, so now she was going to make sure her daughter didn’t become a victim of his selfish so-called love the way she had foolishly allowed herself to be.

  Taking time off a major world tour one year later, Barrington comes home for a couple days only to discover Perri’s betrayal and demands his parental rights. After a heated confrontation, Perri decides to allow Barrington to have his place in their daughter’s life, but warns that she is not part of the equation. However, Barrington has made it his personal mission to change her mind.

  Eventually, Perri reluctantly agrees to marry Barrington for the sake of their daughter. But now, another woman that Barrington trusted with his life, is determined to disrupt their happily ever after, and once again, he has to prove to Perri that she was not wrong to trust him with her heart. But will his efforts prove to be too little too late?

  Dedication

  I give thanks with a grateful heart to my Father God, without whom, I can do nothing.

  To my daughter, you are the reason I continue to put one foot in front of the other and keep on keeping on. I love you more, baby girl!

  Table of contents

  Summary

  Dedication

  Table of contents

  Chapter One

  Chapter Two

  Chapter Three

  Chapter Four

  Chapter Five

  Chapter Six

  Chapter Seven

  Chapter Eight

  Chapter Nine

  Chapter Ten

  Chapter Eleven

  Chapter Twelve

  Chapter Thirteen

  Chapter Fourteen

  Chapter Fifteen

  Chapter Sixteen

  Chapter Seventeen

  Chapter Eighteen

  Chapter Nineteen

  Chapter Twenty

  Chapter Twenty-One

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  Chapter Twenty-Six

  Chapter Twenty-Seven

  Chapter Twenty-Eight

  Chapter Twenty-Nine

  Chapter Thirty

  Chapter Thirty-One

  Chapter Thirty-Two

  Chapter Thirty-Three

  Chapter Thirty-Four

  Chapter Thirty-Five

  Epilogue

  From The Author

  Chapter One

  June, 2004

  “Girl, are you sure you’re ready to take your relationship with Barrington to that level?”

  Perri Milan laughed out loud at the shocked expression on her best friend Journey Stillwater’s otherwise, runway model face. “Jern, don’t act so surprised; it’s not that sudden,” she said, rolling down the window slightly until the air conditioning in Journey’s SUV kicked in.

  “If I appear surprised, shocked even, it’s because I am, Perri.” Journey shook her head taking furtive glances at Perri every so often trying to gage her best friend’s level of seriousness. Yes, she knew Perri and Barrington were in love, had been from the first time they laid eyes on each other, really, but this? She glanced at Perri again before stating the obvious, “You only get one first time to lose your virginity, Perri. I’m just saying.”

  Perri was grinning when she playfully rolled her eyes at her friend who seriously sounded like she was counseling her pre-teen daughter about the dangers of premarital sex. The only reason Perri didn’t laugh at her now was because she knew Jern was coming from a place of concern being that she’d experienced her own losses in the last two years; the major kind that had you turning to God or turning into yourself for self-preservation alone. It broke her heart to watch her friend steady choose the latter, retreating so far into her self-protective outer shell that no one could penetrate beneath the hard encasing that Jern tended to wear like the designer clothes she loved to shop for.

  “No,” Journey said, “don’t look at me like that, Perri. I’m fine and I don’t want your pity. This is not about me; this is about you making a major life altering decision that, once you cross the sexual line, you can’t uncross if it doesn’t work out to match the plan that your mind has already formulated. If I could have a do-over—”

  “You would still be sitting behind your wheel lecturing me about premarital sex,” Perri interjected. “You loved Crush, I know that, Jern; truth is you still do, every bit as much as the day you lost your heart and your virginity to him. I respect that. You two were the real deal, Jern. Still could be, I believe.”

  Journey discreetly wiped at the tear pricking the corner of her eye and cleared her throat. “Funny thing about love and men, Perri; they either love you or they don’t.”

  “Crush loved you, Jern; you know this.” Perri shifted in her seat to face her friend. “Jern, he experienced that loss too. I know you’re not trying to hear this right now, but the truth is the truth. Don’t forget I was there that night too; I saw how hearing you lost the baby devastated Crush. I know he wasn’t too keen about the idea of being a father when you first told him, but he came around within the first two weeks of knowing you were carrying his child. He was so sorry you miscarried, mostly for you, especially for you because he knew how much you loved and wanted that precious baby.”

  Journey sniffled as she cleared her throat again. “Been nice if he’d told me all that himself,” she couldn’t help sounding bitter because she still was where the only man she’d ever loved and surrendered her virginity to was concerned. Who knew condoms could break? The first time they’d ever had sex? Who does that happen to? Except she already knew the answer all too well. It happened to women who took sex all too lightly, as if they were merely breaking in a new pair of six inch designer heels. She should know. She did know. That’s exactly why she wanted to be sure Perri knew she didn’t have to have sex with Barrington just because it seemed the next best logical level to move their relationship to.

  “Jern, I can’t begin to say what Crush was feeling that he didn’t voice into words to you. All I can do is tell what I observed as we sat in the maternity ward family room waiting to hear word on you. The man wore a hole in my nerves with all the pacing back and forth he was doing. Jern, when I first got there he was sitting slumped forward with his head in his hands and his body was trembling, and then I heard the muffled sobs he was trying to stifle. He was the only one in the family room at the time; I didn’t want to strip him of his dignity, so I left him in there alone and waited outside the room unt
il I saw him get his bearings together. When I finally walked in to take up the seat beside him, he didn’t say anything; neither did I. He grabbed my hand and when our eyes met I saw the sorrow and torment in his red-rimmed greenish gray eyes. That was no act that broken man was displaying. Crush loves you, Jern.”

  On a deep sigh of relief, Journey said, “Thank you for telling me, Perri. Maybe I can finally find some closure with that unfinished chapter of my life.” Changing the subject back to where it should never have veered from, she said, “I just want you to promise me that you will talk about your decision with Barrington before you guys actually move forward with your plan, Perri.”

  “I promise, Jern; however, I don’t see Barrington having a problem with it. We’ve been best friends for two years, exclusively involved for a year and a half of that time; he’s the love of my life and even though we haven’t actually made the love declaration to each other, I feel safe and confident in saying Barrington loves me too. Every time he sends his Lear jet to fly me out or he flies in unannounced to see me, he shows me all his love with the little things he does for me, and even if I couldn’t see it in his beautiful yellow-green eyes, his actions alone tell me all I need to know. Barrington loves me and I don’t doubt him for a moment. I love that man like nobody’s business. We’ve done everything remotely connected with sex except actual penetration.”

  “So you’ve had oral sex with Barrington?” Journey asked point blank.

  Perri felt heat infuse her entire face. “Not in the slightest.”

  Journey laughed because she knew Perri had no idea what she was contemplating entering into with her schoolgirl fantasy of how sex should work. “Perri,” she glanced at her friend, “you’re not ready. You got offended because I asked you if you two have had oral sex; and I only asked you the question because you said the two of you have done everything connected with sex save the actual act in itself. Now, I’m being honest and telling you, honey, there is more to sex than the whitewash painting you just depicted for me. It is a world of difference between mild and meek chaste make-out sessions, and steamy, drop your panties make-out sessions; and still yet, actual penetration when you go all the way. Then there is an even bigger difference between a good feeling and an actual mind blowing orgasm. Have you had your first climax when you and Barrington were busy fooling around in your version of hot and heavy?”

  “Well, I don’t know, Jern. Maybe . . . I guess.” Perri had no idea what she was talking about. “I mean, Barrington uses his fingers inside me,” she said, embarrassed at how her inept ability must sound, “and it does feel wonderfully delightful and I feel like I want to just die from the pleasure, and then I tense up because I start feeling like I’m gonna lose myself,” she tried to explain.

  Laughing at her friend’s naïve innocence, Journey declared, “You’re not ready, Perri. Trust me when I say you would know if you’d had your first orgasm, and you’d be climbing all over Barrington to get to have plenty, many more. And do yourself a favor next time you experience that loss of control feeling; relax your muscles, let go of your inhibitions and go with it, and you will have your first orgasm.” Journey shook her head firmly two times. “In the meantime, Perri, you’re not ready.”

  Yeah, every time it happened, Barrington had told her to relax her body and muscles too; she just had been too afraid of how she would respond if she had to listen to him and just let herself go and ride the wave as he phrased it. Perri sighed, determined to maintain her high. “That’s your observation, Jern. I respect you for it. Thank you for all of your concern because I know it’s from your heart, and I love you to pieces for it. I’m not asking you to agree with or even to understand my decision. I’m only asking you to respect that it is my choice and I must choose it alone. I’ve made my choice and my election is sure. Now, I’m ready to share my physical love with Barrington, too. The fact that he’s not expecting it is just the incentive I need to surprise my man and make him very happy his first day back home.” Perri involuntarily shivered and grinned without even trying to; all it took was one thought of her man and she was instant cream of wheat. “The guys have been on the road for eight months now; the tours about to wrap up pretty soon and my baby will be home for a stint, and I’ll be ready with for him open arms.”

  Knowing her best friend all too well, Journey laughed. “I can see your mind is made up and I don’t know a more mentally stubborn person than you. So I will commence with saying, please be careful and practice safe sex. Do not let that fine ass man near your coochie without a sleeve.”

  “Done deal,” Perri agreed, laughing out loud.

  “So,” said Journey, “have you planned out where you’re going to seduce Barrington?”

  “OMG!” Perri laughed with Jern. “I can’t believe you said that.” She laughed again.

  Journey shrugged. “Well, he knows nothing about it, and you’ve already got it planned; that’s what seduction is, my untouched friend.”

  “Wipe that smirk off your face, girl. And don’t make me sound like a child molester.”

  “Okay, okay,” Jern conceded. “But for real, Perri, are you gonna plan it at his mansion? You do have a key and he did invite you to stay there anytime you want.”

  This time when Perri shivered it had nothing to do with warm and fuzzy feelings. “I think not, Jern.”

  Journey’s face crinkled up. “What’s that about?”

  Perri cleared her throat. “Nothing, I suppose.”

  “Liar, out with it, Perri,” she said knowing there was something to the intensity of her tone.

  Perri scratched the back of her left ear. She looked at Journey. “His house,” she said.

  “What about it?”

  “Well, not the house per se,” she sighed because she just really didn’t feel like discussing it.

  “Exactly what then,” Journey was not going to let her off that easy. She didn’t sound right.

  “Well, his housekeeper stays there sometimes when Barrington is out of town for long periods of time,” she hedged not sure she should be saying anything because it all might be in her mind.

  “Oh,” Journey chuckled. “You worried about giving a old lady a heart stopper if she hears you screaming at the top of your lungs—and believe me you will—from that first mind racing orgasm Barrington’s gonna make damn sure he makes you have?” She laughed out loud.

  “Thought you said I wasn’t ready?”

  “I did, but I didn’t say you weren’t gonna enjoy it. Don’t sidestep my original question.”

  “Well, I can assure you it’s not an orgasm I’m concerned about.”

  “Perri,” Journey raised her voice, “why do you always make people pull things out of you? Just tell me what about Barrington’s house makes you not want to be there with some old lady housekeeper, already.”

  “She’s not old, Jern. She’s probably more like around Barrington’s age.”

  “Okay, you’re twenty-one and Barrington is twenty-six. So is that the problem? Do you feel insecure because his she’s closer to his age range and you suspect she may have a thing for her boss man? I mean, just because she’s the housekeeper doesn’t mean she’s keeping up anything besides Barrington’s house cleaning,” Journey stated, trying to ease her friend’s mind.

  “I don’t know her to really think anything. But she just . . . I don’t like the way she looks at me. Like she . . . I don’t know how to describe it, but I’m pretty sure it falls under unnatural behavior.”

  “You think she’s a lesbian?”

  Perri shook her head more than sure that wasn’t the case. “No. Just something there I can’t quite name yet; it’s subtle when Barrington is around, but it is there nonetheless.”

  “Have you asked Barrington any questions about his housekeeper?”

  “What do you think, Jern?”

  “That you should voice your opinion if she makes you feel uncomfortable, especially when Barrington invited you to hang out at his home whenever you want. If thi
s girl has a problem with you being in his house then he needs to know so he can man up and deal with it head-on.”

  “How you sound, Jern? I don’t even know for sure that there is anything to be dealt with. It’s just a funny feeling I get in her presence, but I can’t go accusing her of any wrong doing when she hasn’t even said anything out of the way to me.”

  “Yet,” Journey interjected. “I’m saying don’t wait around to see if it goes that far. Nip it in the bud now because if you do start having sex with Barrington he will want you to stay at his house sometimes. I know he’s a man, but he’s not a stupid one; he’s going to eventually pick up on negative vibes airing back and forth between you and the little miss cleanup woman.”

  “Jern, you are not a well woman,” Perri declared, laughing out loud.

  Journey chuckled. “But I do know what I’m talking about,” Journey insisted. Perri, when Barrington gets home talk to him about your concerns with his housekeeper. He can listen; not listen. Either way, you tell him. Because I would hate to annihilate this heifer if she gets stupid on you,” Journey stated serious as daylight.

  “I hear you, Jern. What are we going to the mall for you to buy now?”

  Journey glanced at Perri. “I’ll let you change the subject. But only because now we’re talking my favorite topic,” she admitted, laughing at her friend’s insight on her love of shopping.

  “Okay, Jern, what latest pair of designer jeans do you just have to have?” Perri chuckled.

  Chapter Two

  “OMG,” Perri screamed, hearing Blue-Eyed Souls latest song playing on the radio. It was only the second week since it hit the airwaves, but it was already number three and still climbing on the top ten R&B charts. Missing her man like crazy, she pumped up the volume.

  Tears were streaming down Perri’s face by the end of the song. She couldn’t believe Barrington had made it for her, much less dedicated it to her in the credits of their newly released CD. It had been almost six months since the last time he flew in unannounced to see her, and though he usually tried to call her at least once a day, he hadn’t called her but twice all this week and she was itching to hear from him like nobody’s business.