If I'd Only Known (Milan Women Series Book 1)

by Johnson, C. A.

  “I appreciate that, Barrington, but you’re not answering my honest question.”

  “Don't compare yourself to anyone else, baby. I'm not. You're it for me. My sampling days are over, Perri, have been from the moment I first laid eyes on you. I don't want anyone else. For me, baby, you're all that matters.”

  “Thank you for saying that, Barrington. But you have been with a lot of women, haven't you? A lot of beautiful and very capable women, I can imagine.”

  “But none of them have shared my bed inside my home. And I swear, Perri, I've never tasted anyone but you. Your fountain of love is the only one I've ever dared to drink from; the only one I've ever wanted to drink from.” His arms tightened around her as he gave her time to absorb what he'd just revealed.

  “Barrington, I’ve been a backup dancer; I’ve seen the ridiculously wild lifestyle most musicians lead,” she argued the fact.

  “I know you have, Perri. I’m not gonna lie. I’ve had my share on the wild side. Hell, there will never be a shortage of willing groupies throwing themselves at any musician they come in contact with. But that’s just free sex and that’s all there will ever be to it, at least in the mind of most male musicians. However, I can only speak for me when I tell you none of the women I been with cared a damn thing about my soul any more than I did theirs. Not trying to be cruel here, but for me, it was just sex with them. And for them, they didn’t want me per se; just the chance to say they made it with a musician. Bottom line, I don’t go down on every woman because, to me, that is something intimately sacred to share with the woman I love. That said, baby, while I can't offer you my virginity, I have given you a gift I've never bestowed upon any other woman. In that regard, Perri, you are my first,” Barrington kissed her temple, “and only.”

  Something about the tenderness in his voice when he'd said that was like mesmerizing Perri into a place she'd never been and she knew it was okay to believe him. “Thank you, Barrington, for allowing me to be the first woman to occupy your bed, inside your bedroom, in your spacious home.” She smiled affectionately. “And thank you, Barrington, for the privilege of being the first and only woman your mouth, tongue, and teeth sought out to possess.”

  Grinning, he told her, “You're very welcome, Perri.”

  Her only reply to that was another soul-stirring kiss that she had no problem delivering to him. Having gotten lost in his kiss, Perri was soon disappointed when, without warning, his lips parted from hers.

  “You were something else, girl,” he told her huskily.

  Perri chuckled and closed her eyes. “Wonder why, Tarzan.”

  He grew serious. “I didn't hurt you, did I?”

  Shaking her head, she enjoyed the feel of him next to her, rubbing circles on her back.

  He lightly bit her shoulder and soothed it with his tongue. “You okay, baby? Still with me?”

  “Better than okay; I'm great. And yes, Barrington, I'm still with you. No place else I'd rather be.” She waited then said, “I know I'm not your first lover, baby—”

  “But, you are the first one that's ever mattered.”

  After a delicious moment of silence, long enough for his previous words to sink into her mind, her to wrap her brain around them, Barrington told her, “You count with me, sweet Perri.” He flipped her on her back and lovingly gazed down into her devastatingly beautiful, chocolate brown eyes, hoping she could read the truth he knew to be evident within his eyes.

  “You know, baby, in this business, I'm always gonna be surrounded by women; and yes, a lot of them are beautiful. Some of them may even be diamonds in the rough.” He shrugged. “I don't know, but whatever, it doesn't matter to me. I've already got my beautiful dime bag.” He kissed her passionately and gathered her to his throbbing chest. “And you're sized to fit me perfectly. I want you to know that, baby.” Barrington’s emotions held within something he couldn’t name; like he knew it could all slip away from him any moment when he voiced his next words. “And no matter what happens between us I need you to remember that, Perri.”

  Smiling sweetly, genuinely, satisfied, Perri promised she would, feeling each word deep down in her bones, making her wet core thirst for what she now recognized as his special brand of nurturing attention. “Barrington?”

  “Yes, sweet Perri?”

  “Will you please make love to me?”

  “You read my mind, because making love to you is exactly how I want to please you.” Quickly peeling off the condom he still wore, carelessly tossing it to the floor, in no time Barrington was sheathed in another one and buried deep inside Perri before she had enough time to prepare herself. If she wasn't as wet as she was he wouldn't have been so quick to go inside her; but she was and, as a result, he easily slipped right in loving her all over again.

  Having a creative nature, Perri imagined she could see the earth, moon, and sky, and wanted to touch them all, arching to accommodate all three as she met Barrington's every thrust, matched him pace for pace, returned to him what he gave her. He increased his rhythm; it wasn't enough. Feeling this man, knowing it was Barrington moving inside her, she wanted so badly to step inside of him; offer him the same pleasure and more he was freely giving her. She lifted her hips to meet his next thrust and the next and the next until she thought she'd lose her mind while feeling the tingling sensation erupting within. Barrington must have sensed it because his thrusts became fierce, hard, demanding and delicious. “That's it . . . that's what I want, Barry . . .”

  “I know, baby; it's what I wanna give you, what I want you to have, always.” Barrington meant to mold her to him, so that only he fit her newfound need. In his mind, he wrote his name inside her tight sheath. He knew he was her first and he meant to be her last. He was going to make sure when he wasn't with her, she was thinking of no one but him. He felt her tremble, knew he had her shaking, but needed confirmation no other man would ever sample her goods.

  “That's it, baby, I want you to shake for me. That's the way it's supposed to be, sweet Perri.” Her garden belonged to him; he was going to be the only one picking her sweet fruit from it. “No one else, Perri,” he spoke from a feeling of possession. “Mine, baby,” he declared, “no one else.”

  “No, no,” Perri agreed, “never anyone else for me, Barrington.”

  “You're mine forever, sweet Perri.”

  “I promise, Barrington . . . forever yours.”

  “Tell me what you want, baby,” he demanded, thrusting into her again and again, giving her a part of his soul each time he re-entered her.

  Perri couldn't think straight to concentrate on his words, but she knew he said something.

  “Tell . . . me . . . Perri . . .”

  “You,” was all she could say. She was locked inside his love like there was no tomorrow; only today and she savored every second Barrington was inside her. He was her first and she wanted him to be her last. She only wanted to feel him moving inside her; he was all that mattered to her, all she needed and so much more.

  “Want you . . . only . . . you . . . oh . . . Barry . . .” she tumbled over the edge and straight into the land of blissful delight. “Sweet honey dew,” she said breathlessly, feeling like this one man just baptized her soul.

  “Sweet Perri . . .” Barrington called out with his release, joining her in the land of forget-me-not.

  ***

  Perri awakened from a lovely dream in which Barrington made sweet love to her. Opening her eyes, she smiled at the sight of him sleeping so peacefully. He was one beautiful man even in his sleep. She almost felt guilty, knowing she was about to disrupt his beauty sleep, but the aching need in her wet core gave her no choice. She called his name but he didn't answer. He was resting better than she thought. She kissed him softly on the lips; he stirred but didn't wake. She traced the outline of his lips with her tongue; his eyes remained closed but he licked his lips, smoothly drawing her tongue inside his warm mouth. All her senses assailed her and she initiated a soul-stirring kiss so powerful they were both
caught up, completely unaware of exactly when he entered her deep.

  However, it wasn't long before Barrington realized the mistake of what he'd done. “Damn,” he quickly tried to pull out of Perri, which she wasn’t having, as she tightened her inner muscles, her pelvis engulfing and accommodating even more of him. “Perri, don't move,” he ordered while he had to concentrate on being still, because she was feeling so deliciously tight around his cock that all he wanted to do was slowly pull out and drive back inside her fast and hard, burying himself to the hilt in her warm, wet, tight channel. Instead of giving in to his carnal fleshly desire, with much regret, he announced, “I gotta withdraw, baby.”

  “Why?” He couldn't really be serious, not when he felt so delicious. “And haven't we been down this road before?” She wiggled beneath him to prove it.

  “Baby . . .” he winced from the pure excitement of being so deep in her, yet knew he better not take it too far; but also aware that he'd strayed too close to the water's edge already. It took all the strength he had plus the strength of ten thousand more men not to move within her, as he tried to explain to her again, “I didn't take the necessary precaution to protect you, baby.”

  “Protect me?” She was thoroughly lost, “From what?”

  “I'm not wearing a condom, Perri,” Barrington blurted through clenched teeth.

  When acute awareness dawned on her, “Oh,” was all she said, feeling disappointed because she didn't want to release him despite the consequences of his revelation.

  “Yeah,” Barrington agreed as if reading Perri’s mind, “me too.” He honestly meant to pull out, even tried again to do just that, but for the second time within the space of a minute, Perri made the fatal mistake of wiggling her hips. “Damn it, Perri . . . stop . . . or I won't be able to—”

  “Just love me, Barrington,” she begged, in too deep now to care that they both failed to protect each other. As if her hips had a will to do what they wanted most, Perri began to move beneath Barrington. Weakly, he protested; she barely registered his words as she led them both deeper into a territory they had no business trying to explore without the shield of a condom. But she couldn't make herself care enough to stop moving and let him withdraw as he'd been trying to do.

  Too weak to resist and too tired to try fighting a natural need to delve deeper inside her, Barrington joined her, his hips mimicking the same movement of the pattern Perri set. He actually chuckled. “I think I created an insatiable lover girl.”

  She giggled and asked, “Any complaints, my boy toy?”

  “Boy toy?” he repeated. “Perri . . . girl . . . shut up and let me love you.”

  She laughed. “What's the matter, baby? Does 'boy toy' make you feel dirty?”

  Instead of answering audibly, Barrington answered with the powerful thrusts of his hips joined with hers, as each one became faster, he went deeper inside her, taking up the lead until her body completely dissolved in his arms.

  “Barry . . .”

  “Perri . . .”

  They called out at the same time, just before giving way to their own release, after first making sure the other had what each needed.

  ***

  Perri had no idea how Journey managed to get her back home in one piece, but knew she must have, as she stood under the shower stall, thinking about the last shitty eight hours of her life.

  How could Barrington do that to me? How could he lie through his teeth declaring he loved me, then make what I thought was love to me, and then up and leave me? Just like that without an explanation, proclamation, declaration, nothing; not even a damn note to say ‘get out of my house, I got what I wanted from you, now we’re through’ as it were, Perri thought hotly.

  “I was so stupid,” she choked on the words along with tears. Perri scrubbed her body more violently this time around, closing her eyes tight to shut out the wonderful flashbacks that still held her memory captive. “Why are you doing this to me, Barrington?” she asked of the steam surrounding her from the hot shower. Her lips quivered, she bit her lower lip hard to quell the tremble; she tasted Barrington. Her still tender core reminded her of the way he skillfully worked her body to perfection. No matter what she did, she thought of him. No matter what she tried to focus on, she saw his handsome face. He was everywhere and like wandering around a maze confused which way to turn, she was surrounded by him. Though Barrington wasn't present physically, he held her captive by thought, word and deed. She was enslaved to his love, knowing he purposely captured her. He was in her. She was his and he didn't want her. How could she want someone who didn't want her? She needed to know, though it would change nothing as far as him dumping her, she knew.

  Intimate pictures of the two of them displayed across the screen of her mind; her lips began to burn and her heart beat faster than the normal pace as she felt herself getting turned on and that made her cry more out of frustration than hurt from his blatant rejection. Perri gripped the shower head, her tears replaced by sudden horror, fear, and anger as a horrifying thought took root in her frayed mind. “Oh. My. God!” she gasped, struggling for air to force its way through her lungs. It hurt and she couldn’t breathe right.

  Perri didn't know when she recovered enough to move, but must have, because suddenly, she was in her bedroom, searching the calendar frantically. A shot of pain stabbed her heart all over again as she recalled the last time they made love without a glove. They were so caught up they got stupid and didn't use a condom. How could they have been so careful the first four times and gotten careless the fifth? She cursed them both. And fool her, why didn't she let him pull out when he tried? Because he felt so good I didn't wanna be denied of feeling him inside me with nothing between us. Foolish, foolish, foolish girl, she berated herself again.

  If her calculations were correct, and Perri knew they were, she could quite possibly have a permanent sidekick shortly after the first of the New Year.

  “Oh, my god,” she cried, sinking to the carpet. “How could you do this to me, Barrington? How could you just leave me . . . like . . . like I was some . . . some meaningless groupie? You p-promised you wouldn't h-hurt me?” Her lungs were on fire and felt like they were being squeezed as she fought to breathe. “You're such a damn liar. I'm so blame stupid!”

  The thought of him loving every inch of her body inside and out so sweet, so tender, so good, too good came rushing back to her. She felt the tenderness and the tingling between her legs all over again. Then all too quickly she felt the hurt, pain and shame of waking up to ask him to make love to her again, just to find he was gone. She felt like a pure-d fool discovering not only was Barrington not in his bed with her, he was also nowhere to be found in his house.

  The only other person she encountered was his native housekeeper, and she declared she spoke no English so when she spoke all Perri managed to understand was the word ‘gone’ and since she wasn't versed in Spanish, it was pointless to question her of Barrington's whereabouts, or if he'd even left word for her. Besides that, Perri didn't much care for the way she was looking at her, like she was intruding on her domain or something. She was a very beautiful woman with stunning eyes the color of emerald green. Bet he was sleeping with her, too, she thought bitterly.

  Perri was embarrassed and didn't know how to respond, so needless to say, she high-tailed it out of there with as much dignity and grace as she could fathom in that given predicament. If the truth were told, by the time Journey arrived there to pick her up she barely made it out Barrington's front door with her pride still intact. As for her heart, well, she wouldn't even discuss that. It was pointless considering it lay crumpled on Barrington's bedroom floor where she left it after dressing in a hurry to escape him once and for all. She hoped. Perri knew Barrington Rashaad Knight was not an easy man to forget. She was going to need time, and plenty of it.

  He could have at least been a man and told her to her face it was over, that she meant nothing but another notch in his experienced bedpost. Instead, he'd chosen to be a c
oward, tuck tail and run before she even woke up.

  “How could you, Barrington? How could you?”

  “I hate you, Barrington . . . I hate you.”

  “Oh God, oh God . . . . Why?”

  I love you, Perri, Barrington's lie echoed in her head. So much for true confessions, she thought bitterly.

  “I love you, Barrington.” Perri closed her eyes tight, hoping to squeeze out the pain of loving and losing what she deemed her first love. “But you didn't love me back.” She shook her head. “Not really. You didn't love me back! God, Barrington . . . why don't you love me, too?” her voice cracked and she knew she was done. Perri thought she'd choke and honestly wanted to, as she collapsed on the floor, giving way to the flood of tears that seemed to have no end in sight.

  Chapter Five

  One Year Later

  Man, did Perri really hate it when the brothers from Blue-Eyed Soul came home. Most times she was on guard because having heard it through the grapevine she could prepare beforehand; but then there were those all too frequent times when she wouldn’t know they’d come home until actually seeing one of them out somewhere and, it was a pretty safe bet that if one of them was there the other was not far behind. And guess which one she happened to see out today? Yes, that’s right, the one she truly did not want to see and, for the past twelve months, went out of her way doing almost anything imaginable just to avoid an accidental run in with at all cost. But fate just was not on Perri’s side today and it seemed that destiny was bound and determined to have her own way whether she liked the outcome or not—and she definitely did not like the way it seemed to be going down thus far.

  “Is he gone yet?” Perri asked, trying her level best to keep Imani content, at least until they were in a relatively safety zone. It was her feeding time and since Perri had her daughter on a set schedule, Imani was none too happy her mother hadn’t started nursing her yet; and Perri was feeling bad because she knew Imani was hungry and here she was trying to avoid what seemed to be the inevitable.