If I'd Only Known (Milan Women Series Book 1)

by Johnson, C. A.

  “If you say so,” Barrington said but his grin didn’t conceal his doubts.

  “I do say so; so there.” After a beat, Journey added, “I guess Crush’s out playing the field as we speak, huh?”

  Barrington laughed. “Do you honestly want me answer that?”

  Journey shrugged.

  “Journey, my brother’s not the cold hearted jerk you make him out to be.”

  “Whatever.”

  “For that matter, I’m not the uncaring and unfeeling jerk Perri seems to think I am, either.”

  “Whatever,” Perri said, rejoining them with Imani asleep and clinging to her much like a second skin.

  “You’re back,” Barrington said as he watched Perri carefully place Imani in her stroller. “I’ll strap her in since I can’t hold her again now that she’s asleep.”

  Standing back with Journey watching Barrington with his daughter, Perri felt guilty for keeping him in the dark about Imani in the first place. He was so good with her; very tender and extremely caring. But the selfish part of her still didn’t fancy the idea that now she’d have to share Imani with Barrington. For thirteen months including the time she’d carried her in her womb it’d just been Imani and Perri, and she didn’t want that to change. She knew Imani deserved to know her daddy, but that didn’t make sharing her with him any easier to take.

  Placing a warm and tender kiss to Imani’s forehead, Barrington stood and just watched her for a few more minutes. “How old is she?” He felt silly having to ask.

  “Three months as of today.”

  Doing the math in his head, Barrington took a deep breath and blew it out in an attempt to calm his rising temper at the fact that Perri purposely kept his daughter a secret from him and his family this long. “So she was born March third.” There was an awkward silence between them. “You’re seriously going to make me ask for your number and permission to come visit my daughter later on this evening?”

  “This evening?” she repeated with a frown.

  “Yes, Perri, this evening; you’ve had Imani to yourself for the past year so I don’t see why you should have a problem giving me equal time, though I am new and apparently late to the equation thanks to you and your selfish attempt to claim her all for yourself,” he jumped down her throat completely irritated and totally fed up with her self-righteous attitude.

  Perri knew Barrington had a right to feel what he felt; still her feelings were hurt that he thought so little of her. “That’s not fair, Barrington.”

  “Fair?” he spat the word like venom. “How fair was it of you to decide I didn’t need to be a part of my daughter’s life?” Staring at her coldly, he announced, “Trust me, Perri, you do not want to talk to me about fair right now. It won’t be a pretty or pleasant conversation I can assure you. And that’s your fault, too; for now I’m moving on. Now, about me visiting my daughter?”

  Perri swallowed back a curse and bit her tongue hard instead; counting to ten and reminding herself that old Perri was gone and she was now a new creature in Christ Jesus. “Just what time are you talking about this afternoon?”

  Barrington fought to control his urge to laugh out loud at her as he thought about how the old Perri would have responded; given another time period she’d have cursed him slap out. Maybe there was something to this Jesus thing. “I’m not sure that’s why I need your number.”

  Perri rattled off the ten digits as he stored them in his cell phone. “Do you really expect me to sit around the house waiting on you to call?”

  “Perri, please,” Barrington said and rolled his eyes. “I know you got a cell phone, though you didn’t bother to give me that number. If you don’t want to sit at home then give me a number where I can reach you so when I call—and I will—we’ll go from there.”

  “Whatever,” she said and jotted down her cell number.

  “Thank you.” Barrington placed the paper in his pocket. “Does anyone besides you and Journey know I’m your baby daddy?”

  Perri and Journey laughed.

  “Take a good look at her,” Perri told him.

  Barrington did.

  “What you think?” Perri asked.

  “Good point,” Barrington said, grinning, “she looks just like me. I like her name, by the way. It fits her well.”

  Perri smiled. “I think so, too.”

  Looking back at Perri, he remarked, “Funny no one’s ever said a word to me about her. Our girl here I can understand since Journey was your friend first. But the others we hung out with, I don’t understand why none of them said a word.”

  “I don’t exactly hang out with the same crowd anymore mainly for that reason. I knew not one of them would waste any time informing you.”

  “I’m still amazed that you managed to duck everyone as long as you have.”

  “It was smooth sailing until Imani was born. Then I just stopped hanging out at the same spots and completely avoided anyone I knew that knew you with the exception of Journey.”

  “Of course,” Barrington said with obvious disgust for her choice. “You two still thick as thieves, I see. No pun intended; although you did try to steal my right to know that I’m Imani’s father.”

  Perri frowned and rolled her eyes. “Are you going to keep throwing that up?”

  “I’m just saying, Perri. If I’d only known . . .”

  “What, Barrington? What would you really have done?”

  “You already know,” he accused. “I told you what I would do if we’d created another life that night. You know I would have been right there with you, girl.” He glared at her. “But since you didn’t believe I actually had a right to know without you being caught up in your web of deceit before you finally came clean with me; I guess now we’ll all three pay the cost and suffer because of your selfishness.”

  “You know what, Barrington? This is getting us absolutely nowhere; so I’m ending this conversation. If you want to see Imani later today, that’s fine. Just make sure you call at a decent hour to make arrangements.”

  “Fine,” Barrington agreed.

  “Fine,” Perri said matter of fact.

  “Okay, okay; break it up you two,” Journey intervened. “Barrington, it was good seeing you again; tell your brother I said hi.” She motioned with her right hand then turned to her best friend. “Perri, you ready to go?”

  “Let’s roll,” Perri said, already pushing her daughter’s stroller in the opposite direction.

  Barrington stepped into her path and leaned down eye level to Perri. “I meant what I said earlier, Perri. We’re going to work this out together.” His eyes automatically went down to see his little girl sleeping like the beautiful angel she now was to him. Bending, he whispered in her ear, “Daddy will see you later, baby girl.” Fighting back tears of joy, he kissed her on the forehead and smiled. “Bye for now, Cupcake.”

  Chapter Seven

  “Did you really have to be so mean, Perri?” Journey asked as soon as they were in the car.

  Perri frowned and rolled her eyes and complained, “Let me buckle my seatbelt before you bum-rush me.” She turned to look at Imani and smiled at her sleeping beauty. Her daughter truly did look as if Barrington spit her right out of his mouth. Why had she thought she would be able to pull the wool over anybody’s eyes, much less Barrington’s? She thought back trying to recall what her line of reasoning had been that she somehow fooled herself into thinking made sense enough for her to go through with her foolhardily, underdeveloped plan. She sighed heavily telling herself it was all water under the bridge now, so there was no point looking back, and returned her attention to her friend, who was still staring at her as if she were certifiable.

  “What, Jern?”

  “That’s all you can come up with?”

  Perri snorted. “I can say a whole lot of things; somehow I don’t think it would wipe that disappointed look out of your eyes, though.”

  “This isn’t about me; don’t make me your scapegoat.”

  “Am I real
ly doing that?” Perri really wanted to know the truth.

  Journey sighed. “Honey, there are no quick fixes here. Do you think you were fair to him?”

  “He caught me off guard,” Perri said in her own defense.

  “I know; doesn’t erase the truth that he had a right to know about Imani from the get-go.”

  “I know that now, Jern. But that’s not the point right now.”

  “That’s subject to whose point of view you’re speaking from.” Journey could see her friend was hurting. She sighed. “Okay, Perri, exactly what is the point to you?”

  “That I’m Imani’s mommy and I don’t plan on letting Barrington come between us.”

  “The man only wants a chance to spend some much needed quality time with his only child.”

  “How do you know she’s his only child?” Perri couldn’t deny the jealousy that seeped into her heart at the thought of another woman sharing an intimate bond of a child with Barrington.

  “Come on, Perri, of course she’s his only child. Even if she’s not that has no bearing on him seeing Imani.”

  “It does if she has to take a backseat to all his other important priorities.”

  Journey had to laugh. “Girl, you’re reaching for straws and you know it.”

  “I know no such thing,” Perri easily denied.

  “You do, too; and for that you are completely wrong on so many levels. Do you hear me?”

  “Whatever.”

  “Don’t whatever me. You know what I’m saying is true.”

  “Either way, it’s neither here nor there since he’ll probably be leaving within the week, so it won’t matter in the long run, anyway.”

  “I’m sure you would love that, Perri. However, he’s leaving in two weeks, which is still plenty of time for him and you to spend time with Imani together.”

  Perri could just about hear the wheels turning in her friend’s mind. “Oh, no, Journey Décor Stillwater; there is no him and me. This is not even about me, so don’t you even try to take this conversation in that direction.”

  “No, it’s not about you,” Journey agreed. “It’s all about Imani and what is best for her, which would be for her parents’ to get along if only for her sake. Because like it or not, the two of you are going to be part of the other’s life for the next eighteen plus years.”

  “Oh, joy, joy.”

  Journey chuckled. “You can waste time being sarcastic if you want to, Perri. The bottom line remains the same; Imani needs both of her parents in her life on a full-time basis.”

  “You just proved my point. How much time can Barrington really devote to Imani when he’s on the road most of the year? A musician’s life is never completely his own, and don’t pretend that this is the exception to the rule because we both know better.”

  “Granted, Perri, maybe he can’t be here full-time; I’ll give you that. But we don’t know what Barrington plans to do on that front yet. As long as he’s consistent with the time he does have to spend with Imani,” Journey shrugged, “why should you object?”

  “Simply because Imani is a helpless child; the only schedule that she cares about is her feeding time. Beyond that the way kids spell love is: T-I-M-E. An abundance of time Barrington does not have to offer my baby, and I will not watch her be shortchanged; my daughter’s not going to be the baby girl in a country song.”

  Journey rolled her eyes. “Is that what you believe, Perri, or the way you want it to be?”

  Ignoring her comment, Perri said, “Journey, life is all about making choices and we each do our own choosing. Barrington is one of the nation’s hottest R&B singers in one of the top ten bands around; he loves what he does and he’s happy doing it. He made a choice to become a singer and now he’s getting to live out the life he chose for himself. He’s golden right now.”

  “Who’s to say he can’t change his mind? How do you know he’s really happy now?”

  “I didn’t see any sad lines etched across his face. Well, except for when he realized I’d purposely hidden the truth about Imani. At any rate, Barrington is in the prime of his career. How many twenty-seven year olds do you know getting to live out their lifelong dream at such a young and tender age? In that sense, Barrington is the exception to the rule; it’s not an easy feat for a white person to land on the R&B charts and make a permanent mark in a genre that even a lot of black people don’t get a shot at. It would be career suicide for him to walk away from the music industry now. He and Crush have rightfully earned a solid foundation with their soulful music. I will not be the one to take him away from his dream. It wouldn’t be right. I was there the first time he heard his song on the radio.” Perri laughed as tears welled up in her eyes at the memory.

  “My man made his dream come true, so I’m sure he’s happy doing what he does since he’s always wanted to do it. It wouldn’t be right step in between that. I love him too much to be the reason he walked away from the only life he’s ever wanted to live. Music is his heart, Jern,” Perri stated totally convinced she had his number. The more she thought about it the more she was sure the situation would remain in her favor.

  “Girl, that’s Hallmark beautiful,” Journey said with a hand over her heart.

  Perri burst out laughing. “You are not a well woman.”

  Journey smirked. “I’m well enough to see you’re still in love with that man. And you said it.”

  “Jern, Barrington is my first in every sense; of course I still love him. I didn’t say I was still in love with him.”

  “I don’t care what your mouth says. Your eyes tell me the truth.”

  “Jern, you’re comfortable living in your bubble. Out of love, I tell you that you see what you want to see; you always have.”

  “Oh, whatever,” Journey rolled her eyes and laughed. “I see the writing on the wall.”

  “Make your point, sister.”

  “In this life not everything is always as it seems. All I’m saying, Perri, is that Barrington’s life might not be as cut and dried as you see it. Maybe just maybe he is the exception to the rule.”

  Journey made some valid points, but it was still hard for Perri to imagine Barrington living a life that he didn’t choose to live. For as long as she had known him he’d always been sure of what he wanted and knew just what he had to do in order to achieve it. To see him any other way was like humanly impossible. She did try to imagine it as they rode the rest of the way in silence.

  ***

  After dropping Journey off at home and taking Imani to spend some time with her grandmother, Perri drove around aimlessly for hours just to find herself at her late parents’ home. The house was left to Perri and her two sisters after their parents John and Mary Milan were killed in an automobile accident when the girls were between the ages of ten and twelve. Their grandmother Mattie Milan held onto the house as a keepsake for the girls until they were of age for the three of them together to decide if or when they’d ever place the house on the market for a potential buyer.

  To all three sisters the house had sentimental value as well as memories they’d collected along the way, so they unanimously decided to keep it in the family; they each took turns keeping it clean and tidy. They have been known to let family members, friends as well as strangers who were temporarily down and out stay there rent free. Their parents had been missionaries, who had sacrificed the comfort of their own lives in a nanoo second for the call of duty, and they grew up seeing them share whatever they had with those less fortunate, so the girls knew they would want them to continue the family tradition in their memory.

  The Milan house was also a safe haven when any one of the three sisters just needed to get away from everything and everyone, save each other. And after the eventful day that Perri had just had, home is where her heart and mind needed to be in order to get her bearings and cleanse her soul of painful past memories involving her and the only man she had ever loved. A man who was also the father of the greatest gift she’d ever been given in her life. Sha
king off the dust from the past, Perri entered her childhood home, hoping to come away with a whole new outlook on the sticky situation with Barrington Knight.

  At some point later, Hunter came in and, sensing something was out of sorts with her sister, sat with her and listened to the whole ordeal Perri had just gone through. All Perri wanted was someone with an objective ear to listen.

  “Let me get this straight,” Hunter Milan Vandross started, “Barrington is back in town, knows about Imani, and wants to step up to the plate taking responsibility for his daughter . . .” Stopping mid-sentence, her clear blue eyes zeroed in on her sister closely. “Have I covered everything?” she asked in an exaggerated tone. “And you won’t allow him to do what he was supposed to have been doing all along?” Shaking her head disdainfully, Hunter swore, “I just don’t understand you, Perri. The man wants to be a father—”

  “Says he does anyway,” Perri interjected.

  “Well, the man is still here, Perri. This means he definitely intends to be part of Imani’s life.” Fisting her hips with both hands, she demanded, “Why are you trying to stand in the way?”

  Perri glared at her sister. “You know you may be the oldest but that doesn’t make you the wisest. Bottom line: this is none of your, Hunter; so why you all up in my life without an invite?”

  “Imani is my niece; you’re my sister. It’s called family, Perri. That makes it my business, especially when I see you make a plum mess out of your life for no good reason at all.” Hunter glared at her little sister just as hard.

  “Whatever,” Perri said, not trying to hear all that nonsense.

  “You know what? This is just about your pride.” Pointing her right index finger, Hunter stated, “You’re still hurt because of the way things went down with you and Barrington before; that I can well understand considering your take on the situation. But, Perri, now you have Imani to consider. This is no longer about you and you need to figure out an amicable way to live with the fact that Barrington has just as much right to be involved in the life of the daughter the two of you share as you do.”