If I'd Only Known (Milan Women Series Book 1)

by Johnson, C. A.

  For the past year and a half Perri had been saving up every spare penny she could to use as the down payment towards her new boutique. Six months ago, she’d come across the land she wanted it built upon; it was three acres and she figured that was a good size space to upstart her first of many boutiques. Well, that was her dream, anyway, and she was bound and determined to see it come to pass, or die trying.

  Putting down her pencil, laying her sketch book to the side, Perri got up, stretched, and walked over to the bay window looking out on the expanse of her backyard. The sun was shining bright reminding her she needed to go out and turn on the sprinklers to water her beautiful pink and white roses that were in full bloom this season. Her mind strayed back to Barrington, the thought of him made her body tingle, and though she’d never admit it to him or herself, she figured the thought was safe in the secret chambers of her mind. Warmth engulfed Perri's whole body thinking of Barrington. She couldn’t help smiling at the memory of him with Imani; he was such a handsome and tender man, then again, he always had been. She made herself recall how bad he'd hurt her, why she was angry at him now. Two plus two would always add up to four, the analytical part of her mind reasoned with the logical part of her brain.

  “Darn it,” Perri fussed as the ringing phone jolted her back to her surroundings. She snatched it up on the fourth ring and barked, “Hello,” into the receiver.

  “Did I catch you at bad time?”

  It was Barrington, his voice was still a smooth baritone, and it still sent shivers down her spine. It was funny Perri could still read him like a favorite storyline, sensing the smile in his question. She looked at the clock seeing it was 2:30 on the dot. Kind of early for a busy musician, she thought, but at least he did call in plenty of time to make arrangements to see Imani before the sun went down, which meant she’d probably still have time to get to Wal-Mart and pick up a few last minute groceries for Sunday’s dinner.

  “Perri?”

  “Yeah, Barrington, I’m here. Sorry.”

  “For what?”

  Perri laughed lightly. “I got a little lost in thought for a minute there.”

  “Good ones I hope,” he said.

  She could tell he was smiling. “Depends on the eyes you’re looking through.”

  He laughed. “Is that right?”

  “I guess,” she giggled and didn’t know why.

  “It’s good to know I can still make you blush.”

  Perri rolled her eyes, “I am not blushing,” trying to hide a smile even though she knew he couldn’t see it.

  “Perri, you’re not trying your level best not to crack a smile right now?” he asked doubtfully. Unable to help it she laughed out loud. “That’s what I thought.”

  “Okay, so maybe you do still remember some things about me.”

  “Trust, Perri, I remember everything about you,” he lightly and seductively corrected her.

  Perri didn’t know what to say so she just got quiet.

  “You still respond with silence when you don’t know what to say,” he went on to read her like an old familiar, favorite childhood book. “And right now you’re fidgeting just to do something with your hands.”

  That comment brought her back to the present. She was playing with the chain on her wrist. “I am not,” she lied. How could this man still know me so intimately after all this time? She just knew he'd been busy playing the field like some muskrat, so why was he trying to give her his undivided attention now?

  “If you say so,” he said with a hint of a smirk.

  “I do say so. So there!” Perri heard him snicker. “What do you want, anyway?” Her guard was back up and higher than ever where he was concerned.

  “You just can’t allow yourself to have and enjoy a good conversation with me for more than five minutes, can you?”

  “I’m sure you’re not calling for my conversational skills, so just spit it out, Barrington.”

  He shook his head. “The more things change the more they stay the same, huh, Perri?”

  “For your information I was having an inspiring moment when you interrupted me.”

  “You knew I’d be calling,” he stated unapologetically, “I told you I would.”

  “Whatever.”

  Inhaling a deep breath, tired of going back and forth, Barrington asked, “Is it okay if I come by to see my daughter in a few?”

  “What’s a few, Barrington?”

  “I’m already in the car,” he informed her. “So if you still live in the same place, I’m about ten minutes away from that area now.”

  Ten minutes? “You could of have given me a little more notice.”

  “You acted all pressed about it earlier, so what’s the problem now, Perri?”

  “I was not pressed,” she snapped. “I was . . .” She didn’t bother to finish. “You know what, forget it, Barrington. Yes, I still live in the same place. Ten minutes is fine; it’s about time for Imani to be waking up for her feeding. If I go ahead and wake her now we should be finished by the time you get here.”

  “I don’t wanna interrupt her schedule,” he said concerned.

  Without her permission, her heart softened toward him. “It’s not a problem, believe me.”

  “I do, Perri,” he said honestly. “I’ll just go ahead and stop now for gas that way it’ll give you at least a good twenty minutes before I get there. Is that good?”

  She smiled. “That’s fine, G-Man. See you when you get here. Be careful, please.” She hung up the phone, trying to ignore the familiar feeling in her belly for the one and only man she'd ever loved—the father of her beloved child. It wasn't easy.

  ***

  “Perri, thanks for letting me come by on such short notice,” Barrington said as he bounced Imani on his knee making her giggle and squeal with delight. “I really do appreciate it.”

  Laughing at Imani’s reaction to her new playmate slash father, she said, “You’re very welcome, Barrington.”

  He glanced at her hearing the honesty in her tone. He licked his lips unable to hide the desire he felt for her. She was still an extremely beautiful woman, even more so, if that were possible. Barrington reminded himself not to push too hard, deciding a change of subject was in order. “So you never did answer my question earlier.”

  “Which was?”

  “What good thoughts you were entertaining when my call interrupted them.”

  “I was just weaving my way through a wave of inspiration, that’s all.”

  “Concerning? Or is that too private a detail for me to know?” he treaded lightly.

  She shrugged. “Not really private. I guess just . . .”

  “What?”

  Threading her fingers through the back of her hair, for no apparent reason other than to have something to do with her hands, she said, “I don’t wanna bore you with the details.”

  Barrington laughed, catching the hint, and said, “None of my business, in other words.”

  “It’s not that, Barrington.” She watched him lick his luscious lips and her liver quivered.

  “Then you just don’t care to share, Perri?”

  Taking a deep breath, she sighed loudly. “It was just things, you know.”

  Shaking his head, Barrington told her, “No, I don’t know. But I want to, that is, if you’ll allow yourself to trust me enough to tell me.”

  Without her permission, she heard the compassion in his voice and saw the pleading in his eyes. Dang it, this man still had the power to affect her good senses, and she didn’t appreciate it one bit. However, she still didn’t have the heart to shut him out, at least not concerning this aspect of her life. Besides, he always was a good listener so maybe talking it out with him will help her come up with the right design to dazzle everyone, including him, she thought. Now why do I care what he thinks?

  “Perri?”

  “Hum?”

  He laughed. “Are you okay?”

  “I’m fine. Why?”

  “That must be some daydream be
cause that’s the fifth time I’ve called your name.” He looked at his daughter, “Isn’t it, Cupcake,” he said as he kissed her on the forehead. Imani was sure eating up all the attention he was lavishing upon her.

  Laughing, Perri said, “You know what?”

  “What’s that?”

  “You’re spoiling her rotten and you haven’t even been here but a good thirty minutes. Guess who I’m going to call when she won’t go to sleep and wants to play at 1:30 in the morning, and mommy has to be up at 5:30?”

  He laughed. “I’m sorry.”

  “Said the cat just before he ate the canary,” she couldn’t resist teasing him.

  Laughing again, Barrington said, “I wouldn’t mind.”

  “Wouldn’t mind what?”

  “If you called on me,” he clarified, “whatever the time, I’d come help out with my daughter.”

  She stared at him dumbfounded, at the same time, she said, “Yeah, right. You can say that now, Barrington, because it hasn’t happened.”

  “I’m serious, Perri. I told you earlier we’d work this out together and I meant it. If you remember nothing else about me surely even you can’t deny that I’m a man of my word, and when I tell you I’m gonna do something I’m gonna do it regardless of how long it takes me to get around to it.”

  He was right, she couldn’t deny that, but wasn’t about to let him know she remembered. “Let’s hear the tune you sing if and when I do finally call you in the wee hours of the night telling you to get your butt over here ASAP because your daughter wants to play and I need to sleep.”

  They both laughed at that.

  “Well, baby, there’s nothing to it but to do it.”

  “Um-hmm, keep talking, Mr. Dad.”

  “Try me, Perri,” he grinned. “I dare you.”

  “Well, I would if I could. Fortunately for you, it isn’t gonna happen.”

  “What stops you?”

  “Besides the obvious, or was that a rhetorical question?”

  “Which to you would be what?”

  She looked him dead in the eye. “Barrington, darling, there are some things that God only equipped a mommy to do.”

  Heat infused Barrington’s chest. “Oh, sorry,” he admitted, “I forgot.”

  Perri laughed. “Well, would you like to borrow mine? It’s an experience you’ll remember.”

  “Oh, you got jokes, Miss Perri.” He laughed.

  “If you remember nothing else about me I’m sure you recall that I like to play around a lot.”

  His eyes met and held hers, daring her to look away. “Like I said before, I remember everything about you, Perri. And I do mean everything,” he reemphasized.

  A wave of excitement rushed through her entire body and she had no idea how to respond.

  “There you go fidgeting again, an indication I’ve rendered you speechless,” he teased.

  Realizing she was twisting the chain on her wrist, she retrieved a diaper to change Imani as she said, “Oh, shut up.”

  That caused Barrington to laugh harder. He didn’t realize she was so close until he felt her reaching for Imani. “Oh, let me.”

  Hands still outstretched, Perri paused and eyed him doubtfully. “You think you can handle the load that you discover when you uncover her?”

  “There you go with the jokes again.”

  Laughing, she said, “No, Barrington. I’m being perfectly serious.”

  “I know how to change a diaper. Besides, how do you know she tooted?”

  “Tooted?” She burst into laughter.

  “What?” he laughed. “I’d use another term, but you told me to watch my language with her.”

  “Well, I know. But tooted?” She laughed out loud.

  “Okay, Perri. Number two. Is that better?”

  She got so tickled she dropped down on the couch laughing uncontrollably. She heard Imani squealing with delight, but for the life of her, she couldn’t stop laughing, and it felt good. She honestly hadn’t laughed that hard since . . . well since Barrington walked out of her life. That probably should have been a frightening thought but for some odd reason she wasn’t scared by it.

  “Yeah, Cupcake, mommy’s funny, isn’t she?” He joined in the laughter.

  It was a struggle but Perri managed to pull herself together. “Phew,” she sighed from relief. Feeling his eyes on her, she turned her head to the side, demanding, “Why you staring at me?”

  “I can’t look at you?”

  “Look, yes. Stare, um . . . no.”

  “You’ve still got that beautiful laugh that matches your beautiful face.”

  She lowered her gaze to the carpet.

  Barrington shook his head. “No, Perri, for once don’t turn away from me when I pay you a compliment. Because it is a compliment, you know. One of the highest,” he decreed.

  She covered her mouth.

  Lifting her face to meet his gaze, he said, “Learn to accept sincere honesty, baby.”

  Where was all that sincere honesty when you walked out on me, baby? Tears stung the back of her eyes as she said, “Barrington, don’t . . . .”

  “Perri, please don’t keep shutting me out.”

  “Now’s not the time.” Switching the subject, she told him, “If you’re going to do the honors of changing your daughter we need to get this soiled pamper off her now before she gets galled.”

  “Perri?”

  “Hey, would you mind staying here with Imani while I run to Wal-Mart to pick up a few groceries?” That should shut him up.

  Carefully laying his daughter down on the cushion beside him, Barrington said, “I’d love that.” Glancing up, he added, “Perri, I know what you’re doing. I’m gonna let it go for now. Understand though, there’s coming a time very soon when I won’t allow you to run away while I’m telling you the truth.”

  She went to get her purse. “I’ll be right back.”

  Without looking up, Barrington said, “No need to rush, we’ll be fine. Won’t we, Cupcake?”

  Imani cooed, kicking her legs in the air.

  “Our daughter agrees with her Daddy, Mommy.”

  Perri couldn’t contain the smile that spread across her face while standing there watching her daughter along with her father. It was a perfect picture she mentally tucked away in the chambers of her heart to ponder when she was alone.

  As if hearing her thoughts, he looked at her. “We’ve got plenty of time to work this out.”

  “Barrington?”

  “Yeah, baby?”

  Ignoring the butterflies that sentiment ignited within the lower regions of her belly, she said, “Just in case I forget to tell you later, thank you.”

  My sweet Perri, if I’d only known, you wouldn’t have had to do it this long on your own. Knowing she wasn’t ready to hear that, Barrington smiled. “That’s what daddies are for, Perri, to help mommy out when he knows she needs it.” He winked at her, his heart overflowing with the love he held for her.

  Chapter Eleven

  Carrying the last of the grocery bags in, Barrington announced, “Perri, I wanna talk to you.”

  “Okay.” She reached around him for the bread and tried to ignore the butterflies swarming in her belly. “About?”

  “I want Imani to have my last name.”

  Taking a deep breath and sighing loudly, she proceeded to remove the can goods and walked to the pantry.”

  “Perri,” his eyes followed her, “you heard me, right?”

  Placing the milk in the fridge without turning around, she said, “I heard you.”

  “And?”

  She shrugged. “And what?”

  Knowing she was avoiding the subject, Barrington stared at her mechanical movements for a full three minutes before saying, “Perri, I know you got something to say so say it.”

  “Did you have any trouble with Imani while I was gone?”

  “No, we had a great time. I may be biased but I think she’s crazy about me,” he chuckled.

  “Oh?” she star
ed into the freezer. “Well, that’s good to know,” she told the freezer, wishing she could stick her head in and yell not! She snagged a twin banana popsicle, ripped the plastic wrapper off and sank her teeth into it in an effort to ward off the fierce need to attack the gorgeous, bully of a bastard who saw not a damn thing twisted about ambushing her in her own home; it was little consolation, because she’d rather pull a Tyson, and bite the hell out of him. And just how freaking bizarre did that make her as a suitable role model for their daughter? She viciously attacked the frozen bar again, refusing to even turn around and grant her handsome ex access to the worrisome lines she knew had to be engrained in her face like the precise lines—straight and squiggly—sprawled every which way on the display screen of an etch-a-sketch. Demolishing the last of her frozen pop, she stabbed the foot pedal of the nearby trashcan, noisily tossing the empty plastic wrap inside before unnecessarily punching the foot pedal again. Then with a calculated move, she pivoted around to face-off with that man in her face.

  “You almost sound disappointed, Perri.”

  “Why should I be disappointed?” She turned on the faucet to run dishwater.

  “That’s a good question, Perri. Care to answer it?”

  “I’m not disappointed,” she lied. “It’s great Imani thinks you’re great; she should like you. You are her father.”

  Barrington didn’t buy her act for one minute; however, at the moment he still wanted an answer to his previous question. “Are you gonna allow me to give her my last name? Or do you think that’s too much of a tie to have to my own daughter?”

  “Stop being snarky with me.”

  “Then stop acting like I’m the enemy and treat me with the respect, not to mention decent common courtesy I deserve for no other reason than the truth which is I am her father.”

  Feeling the sting of his betrayal all over again, she slammed the cup in the sink, whirling around so fast, she felt lightheaded and briefly saw spots swirling before her eyes before she arrested Barrington with a look that could quite possibly melt the Glacier Hemisphere. “What do you want from me? You want me to get down on all fours and kiss your lily white feet, declaring all hail to Daddy Knight?”