If I'd Only Known (Milan Women Series Book 1)

by Johnson, C. A.

  “Barrington, that’s not—”

  “Fair?” he interrupted her. “Is that what you were gonna say, Perri? Hell, what am I asking? Of course that’s what you were gonna say. See how you twist the situation around to make yourself out to be the victim?” He shook his head. “That’s not good; you’re in total denial where your actions were concerned which only tells me you know you were wrong for what you done.”

  “Barrington, if you’d just listen—”

  “No, you listen. I loved you. I gave you my heart, Perri, and you accepted it just to turn right around and throw it back in my face with no explanation when you were embedded in my soul. I branded you, girl; you were mine and you meant everything to me. But it didn’t matter because in the end you still left me.”

  “You didn’t wanna ruin my career,” he mocked her words to him. “To hell with my career, Perri, we’re talking about my baby! I would have cut back on the gigs I accepted and found a way to make do, so long as you and I were together. To me nothing else mattered as much as having you in my life and being an intricate part of your life. But that didn’t matter to you, Perri. It didn’t matter that I loved you more than life itself. You still went and did what you wanted to do and to hell with me and what I might want.”

  Barrington glared at her, his eyes cold and hard. “You had no right, Perri. Is it finally sinking in? Do you even really begin to understand what you cost me? Do you still not care? How dare you decide my future for me! I loved you then. I love you now. I still want you in my life even after all the pain you caused me,” he confessed. “Hell, fool that I am, if I thought you’d let me get away with it, I’d take you right here and now, Perri.” He shook his head, fighting the urge to kiss her face off. “I resent the fact you still have that kind of power over me when you clearly don’t give a damn about me. At least not enough to be decent enough to include me in the pregnancy which was really our pregnancy, or even the birth of our baby; that was wrong, Perri, and you know it. You had no right!”

  Perri blinked several times in an effort to hold back tears. His words stung. Partly because they were true and partly because she knew he knew she knew they were true. Unable to speak she simply lowered her eyes. What did she do that for? Seeing and feeling his hand no matter how firm a grip it had on her wrist was enough to make Perri want to cave in and let Barrington be her shelter as well as a safe haven for the precious daughter they shared.

  “You’re hurting me.” She jerked her wrist free from his tight grip.

  Seeing her palm her wrist absentmindedly, Barrington felt a crack of pain in his gut when he saw his fingerprints upon her flesh; he’d forgotten how easily she bruised. Feeling every bit of the guilt that weighed so heavily upon his shoulders, he silently berated himself, knowing there was no excuse for manhandling Perri.

  “I’m sorry, Perri,” he said softly, his voice thick with emotion. “I'd never intentionally physically hurt you.”

  “No, but emotional abuse is so much better!” she spat the words at him like venom.

  Barrington closed his eyes to shut out her words that hurt him more than she knew and he knew he would feel the sting of them long after she’d forgotten she even said them.

  “This constant bickering back and forth about who’s right and who’s wrong for Imani is getting us nowhere. And fast!” Abruptly, she turned to flee.

  Barrington blocked her way. “No, Perri! This time you’re not gonna run away.” Refusing to budge, he added, “And furthermore, this is not a competition although you seem hell-bent on making it one, for what, I don’t know, because I sure as hell am not thinking about money; I’m thinking about my daughter. And I would think you would be, too,” his eyes challenged her to disagree. “Besides, I could bestow upon her a million and one gifts and it wouldn’t matter because she’s too young to know or care about money, power or clout. So why keep sweating me about that? You’re a smart woman, Perri, with a brilliant mind, so I know you know as well as I do that kids spell love: T-I-M-E. Children don’t reason like adults do. Hell, most adults’ reason like children when it comes to time because they equate it with love—just like children. So where’s the harm in me wanting my daughter in my life on a full-time basis?” His eyes searched hers, desperate for her to see that he is not her enemy. “Tell me, Perri, if you can.”

  “Barrington, please move.”

  He shook his head. “I can’t do that, Perri. Because if I do I know we’re gonna be through, and I’m sorry for you, but I’m not ready to end our story now, especially not when it has the potential to be so sweet; if you let it, Perri. Stop fighting and let things progress the way it’s meant to be.” Bringing his forehead down against hers, he whispered, “I dare you.”

  His words shook her to the core and Perri could feel the truth of them in the essence of her being. Barrington had no idea what he was doing. He was killing her softly with his kindness and he didn’t know it. Or did he? She searched his eyes for the truth. No, he definitely didn’t know the power of love he still wielded over her.

  “Perri, on one count you are right. As far as Imani’s life is concerned, I am trying to make my own special place that’s mine alone, because she’s my baby, and she and I both deserve that type of relationship,” he confessed. “My sweet Perri, there’s no need for you to be jealous,” he promised. “You’re Imani’s mother and she’s your child. Your place in her life is a given, Perri; set apart and special, yours alone, and you and her both deserve that type of relationship because mothers and daughters have a special and unique bond between them. But so do fathers and daughters because little girls love their daddies. And this daddy does love his little girl, and that’s all I want you to understand, Perri. Just be willing to give me my equal rights in Imani’s life. Share our daughter, her time, and her love with me. Please?” Barrington pleaded.

  Tears were building in Perri’s eyes. He was fighting dirty, showing her heartfelt kindness for the mean spirit she went out of her way to attack him with. She had to give it to the man; he had her thinking hard, though she wouldn’t readily admit that to him now, if ever.

  “I need to be alone, Barrington. Please go now.”

  “Perri . . .”

  “Barrington, I need time to think. Please give it to me.”

  “But . . .”

  “Because I’m gonna take it whether you like it or not.”

  “You always do,” he complained.

  “And I always will. Now, go because I can’t think straight in your presence.”

  Blowing out a puff of air, Barrington raised his eyes to the ceiling in an effort to exercise patience. “Fine,” he conceded.

  Sighing in relief, she said, “Thank you.”

  “Don’t thank me, Perri. This conversation is not over. Not by a long shot.” As if his last statement were supreme law, Barrington walked to the front door, then turned to say, “Tell Cupcake I love her,” and he was gone.

  Chapter Fifteen

  “What are you doing here so early?” Perri snapped, irritated at his unannounced morning arrival.

  Having woken up before dawn ever cracked the sky this morning, barely able to keep an iron-grip on his temper as it was, Barrington mockingly snapped back, “Cut the bullshit, Perri, you know damn well exactly what pressing family matter needed my immediate attention bad enough to bring me to your doorstep so early this morning. Now, we need to talk. Question is, are we gonna air our dirty laundry on your front porch, or will you invite me in to afford us the privacy we desperately need in this particular matter, delicate as it is?”

  Perri rolled her eyes, turning her back on him, she started back to the kitchen, flinging over her shoulder, “As usual, you swoop in like Casper the friendly ghost, toting your barely concealed anger in dramatic fashion. And I’d venture to say this could have waited until I got off work, though I doubt you’d admit it seeing it would be too much like right for you in your current state of anger denial.”

  Barrington took a deep breath, then fo
llowed her and almost smiled at her ability to read, what he thought, were his highly tamed emotions, considering her deliberate deception is what set his mind and teeth on edge from the start. However, if his woman asked him point blank, he wasn’t going to deny that he wanted her back in his bed for the rest of his natural life. “Whatever, Perri,” he retorted. “I want my fair share of equal time with Imani, period. So put out or not, you’re just going to have to make time to discuss my daughter’s future with me, because I can assure you that I will be an integral part of it.”

  “Barrington, don’t you think you’re being a little demanding.”

  “No, Perri, I don’t. You’re just being unreasonable, per usual. Besides, you didn’t listen very carefully. I said I wanted equal time with our daughter when, like now, I am in town. And furthermore, if you’d just let yourself imagine how sane the three of us under one roof actually is in the long run, then you’d see that there is a rhyme and reason for my proposal of marriage,” he said as a matter of fact.

  Dumbstruck with his amazing ability to sell ice to Eskimos, Perri stared at him. Her ex was good, but she was not going to allow him to use their daughter as live bait in order for him to use this situation to his advantage. “You’re giving Imani your last name. What more do you want?”

  “I just told you what I want, Perri.”

  “No, Barrington, I’m not gonna marry you simply for a child. And there’s no way I’m giving you equal time with my daughter, you not even here long enough to see it through. You can’t just insinuate yourself in her life, she doesn’t even know you, and it’s going to take time for her to get to know you and vice versa.”

  “You are just grasping for excuses, lame as they are, to try and keep me from spending time with Imani. Well, I’m standing here to tell you it is not gonna happen. The way I see it, marriage is the perfect solution because you’re not gonna rob me of any more time with my daughter.”

  “Sometimes you can be so asinine.” This was why she could not share a house, let alone a lifetime with the man.

  Sometimes she angered him so bad. “You call me what you want, just stay out of my way.”

  Yeah, buddy, don’t get it twisted; you came here not the other way around. “I really don’t think you’ve thought this through. You’ve known about Imani for what, a good two days?” “Now, all of a sudden you wanna be Mr. Mom slash husband.” She shook her head at his nerve to think she’d be so naïve “You’re not thinking straight, Barrington. You’re being totally unfair.”

  “You know what, Perri? At the moment, I don’t much give a damn what you think of me. The fact remains we created a child together. Now, while you have a say on whether or not I’m involved in your life, you don’t get a vote when it comes to me being involved in my daughter’s life. So I suggest you get that through your stubborn mind right now, it’s not negotiable. I won’t let my child grow up never knowing me. I will not let my child grow up without me in her life.” He inched closer to her face, “Make no mistake, Perri, Imani is as much mine as she is yours, no more no less; that means I have the same say in her life as you do, probably more.”

  Perri could hear her heart pounding in her ears at the unspoken underlying threat. “Just what’s that remark supposed to mean?”

  “If you don’t afford me some leeway concerning this matter, I will take you to court, Perri. I’m sure I won’t have much problem getting the judge to see that I deserve more say in her life than you considering you intentionally kept her existence from me,” he stated matter of fact. “And as many deadbeat fathers that pass through their courtrooms on a daily basis, do you honestly think they’re gonna offer you—a selfish mother—much pity over a concerned father who not only wants to be in Imani’s life, but is actually having to fight her mother to be a part of his child’s life? A child he should have known about all along. Seriously, Perri, have you really convinced yourself I’d be denied access to my daughter for no reason other than you just don’t want me to be part of her life?”

  Well, when he put it like that, she did sound crazy. Perri swallowed the fear and bile that suddenly rose in her throat. “You wouldn’t, Barrington.” He couldn’t. She fought back hurtful tears. “You’d rip a mother and child apart because I won’t marry you?” He was bluffing. She shook her head in denial. “You’re not that cruel.” No way would the man she loved do something so sadistic. He may have done some changing. And whatever else Barrington was, cruelty had never once been part of his character, and she highly doubted that much had changed. Or had it? Her head started to hurt.

  Refusing to be moved, Barrington was determined to stand his ground. He didn’t want to hurt Perri; she was the mother of his child after all. At the same time, he couldn’t see letting her continue to hurt him for no good reason, either. If given a choice, court was not his pick, but she had to understand it was most definitely an option. “Unless you force me to be, Perri,” he said honestly. It was hell not to pull her in his arms and kiss that frightened look off her face, but he would do what needed to be done. “The choice is yours, Perri, and you must choose. Don’t take too long though, and don’t even think about giving me the runaround because I will hunt you down. I have the resources and the means to get to you wherever you are, and I will find you. Believe that, Perri. If you take nothing else I say to heart, you better recognize that as truth.”

  ***

  Perri drove in a total fog, her head still spinning from Barrington’s threat. Letting herself in her home, she was still dazed as she moved like a zombie to the sofa, dropping down on the cushion, wishing she had something just as soft to break the pain of the fallout she and Barrington just had over Imani. Had it really come down to battling over their daughter like she was a pawn? Why for the love of God did he have to bring marriage into the equation? It wouldn’t even be for the right reasons, for heaven’s sake.

  When was this drama going to end? She massaged her temples. Pain was stabbing through her head from the migraine that had acutely come on. She loosened and removed the ponytail twister from her hair.

  What am I gonna do, Lord Jesus?

  The phone rang and she started to ignore it, but it just kept ringing and was beginning to annoy her. “Hello?”

  “Hey, Sugarplum,” Madear said, “how you doing?”

  Tears sprang to Perri’s eyes at the sound of a familiar loving voice. “Hey, Madear,” she greeted, forcing cheerfulness in her tone. “What’s going on?”

  “You tell me, child. I woke up with you on my heart this morning. Of course I prayed for you, but I’ve still got a burden for you. What’s wrong, baby?”

  Perri bit back a sob. “Madear, I’m good.” Bringing a trembling hand to her mouth, she said, “I appreciate your prayers though.”

  “You don’t sound right to me, Perri.” Mattie wasn’t going to let this go. “To me you sound, well . . . you sound like you’re crying.” She paused for a response. Not receiving one, she said, “Tell me what’s wrong with you, Perri.”

  Really not wanting to go into a detailed synopsis, which is what Madear would expect, Perri simply said, “I’m just feeling a little emotional today; probably PMS.”

  “No, Perri, it don’t sound like that kind of blues to me.”

  Darn it, why she gotta be so perceptive?

  “I’m waiting, Sugarplum.”

  Perri couldn’t and wouldn’t discuss the situation right now. “I’ve got a major migraine, Madear. All I wanna do is lie down and try to sleep it off.”

  “Have you been to the doctor lately?”

  Where’d that come from? If she didn’t know better she might think Barrington had gone to her behind her back claiming she was certifiable. Deciding even he was more decent than that she thought up another excuse. “No, ma’am, but you know I sometimes get these headaches without warning,” she tried her best to explain it away.

  “But you haven’t had one in about two years, Perri, which tells me something must’ve happened to trigger this one. Are you tel
ling me tall tales, child? And don’t be rolling your eyes at me, either.”

  Mouthing the words ‘You can’t see me’ Perri rolled her eyes anyway and immediately regretted it once another stabbing pain shot across her forehead. “Madear, really, I don’t feel too good right now. I feel like I’m about to throw up or something. Can I please call you later this week?”

  “I’ll call you tomorrow, child, and I’ll expect you to tell me the truth about what’s going on with you then.” Mattie softened her tone, “I love you, Sugarplum. Get some rest. Bye for now.”

  Hanging up the phone, Perri dashed to the bathroom and threw up for the next five minutes. When there was nothing left but dry heaving, she slowly got up, washed her hands, face, and brushed her teeth. Feeling another bout of nausea swooning in her stomach, she dragged herself to the bed and carefully lowered her body down upon it, because at this point, the slightest movement was causing major pain. Closing her eyes, she tried to shut out the last forty-eight hours.

  Two hours later, someone banging hard on the door woke Perri up. Slowly rising, she got to her feet and started down the hallway feeling like her head was going to explode. The closer she got to the door the louder the banging grew and the more she wanted to just fall dead on the spot to escape the pain. Too weak to ask who it was she just opened the door a fraction, stood back, leaning up against the wall for support.

  What the hell? Barrington slowly eased the door wider, sticking his head inside. His heart just about stopped when he saw Perri swaying like the wind was tossing her around and she was close to falling over. Taking in her appearance—the weakness in her eyes, to her hair in disarray, noticing the paleness in her flustered cheeks and, lastly, the pain that caused her forehead to crease—he knew what was wrong with her.