If I'd Only Known (Milan Women Series Book 1)

by Johnson, C. A.

  Perri broke the heated kiss, slowly undressed Barrington, and after allowing him to undress her, she led her husband to their bed, pulling back the covers. She slid inside and scooted over to make room for him. Gently pushing him flat on his back, Perri climbed on top of him and began a slow, deliberate, teasing game of lick, nibble and soothe as she kissed every inch of his bare skin. She enjoyed the pleasurable sounds he made every time her lips made contact with his sensitive skin, using it as motivation as she caressed his manhood before taking it into her mouth to take him to the land of sweet release.

  Not ready to come undone yet, Barrington switched positions, easing Perri backward and with the expertise she'd come to expect from him, he pleasured his wife with a variety of foreplay ranging from body massages and body kisses to intimate finger play, intimate tongue play, and intimate mouth teasing, licking, nibbling and suckling of her bodily juices from the delectable sweet spot of her core. After his wife experienced a few mind-blowing orgasms, Barrington slowly began his escapade of loving her body from head to toe all over again.

  Perri thought she'd die if Barrington didn't join her soon. “Barry . . .”

  “I'm coming, sweet Perri.” Satisfied she was more than ready for him Barrington slowly entered his wife's wet and slippery sex, joining their bodies, creating a rhythm that was solely of their own making.

  Both shedding tears of joy, together in their undefiled bed of pleasure, Barrington and Perri made lyrical love with and to each other, sending each other over the edge separately and together, until so satiated with love, joy, peace and happiness, they both knew the other was healed inside and out.

  Not wanting to break bodily contact, Barrington and Perri slumbered deep while all wrapped up, tied up, and tangled up in each other's unconditional love.

  Chapter Thirty-Five

  “So what are you saying, Perri? I should just throw Jordy out on the street?”

  “No—”

  “Turn my back on my own flesh and blood—regardless of how she got here?”

  “No B—”

  “What then, Perri?” he wanted to know. “Because you got me confused on this here one,” he said honestly.

  Perri folded her arms. “Are you gonna let me speak or was that just a rhetorical question?”

  Not amused he glared at her, “Don’t be cute, woman.” Shaking his head adamantly, he declared, “Now’s not the time.”

  “I’m serious, Barrington. You ask me questions then don’t give me time to respond just because it may or may not be what you wanna hear.” She took a deep, cleansing breath that did nothing to deter the feelings of resentment that had a hold on her. “Look,” she tried to explain, “I’m sorry you’re frustrated with me, Barrington, and I’m sorry that I’m as equally frustrated with you. But right now that’s exactly what I feel. For that I make no apologies because I feel what I feel and that’s real. Furthermore, Barrington, for your information, I was not suggesting you throw that poor child out on the street—”

  “Good,” he remarked relieved, “because she’s been through enough as it is. To add to the pain and misery of losing her mom the way she did . . .” He shook his head. “I can’t do it, baby. I just can’t.” Searching her eyes for compassion, even a tad, he added, “I hope you can understand that.”

  “I agree Jordy shouldn’t have to pay for the crimes of her mother. Like you said, regardless of how she got here, she’s here. I know I have to deal with that and I’m trying, Barrington, honestly I am. But you need to understand that even though I know it’s not Jordy's fault, it’s also not mine.” Perri swallowed back the pending emotions welling up inside. “That may sound cruel; I’m not trying to be insensitive here. Just . . .”

  “Just what?”

  “I don’t know what I’m supposed to do, Barrington. I got a pretty good idea what you want me to do. But I’m not sure I can give you what you want,” she admitted to both their disappointments; but she had to be honest with him. It was the only way. Enough lies had been put out there to keep them both confused and, if Nia had had her way, those same lies would have also continued keeping them apart.

  “Perri?”

  “What?”

  “Do me a favor?”

  She nodded.

  Barrington said, “Tell me, as of this moment, exactly how you feel about Jordy.”

  Momentarily averting her gaze, she forced the rising bile back down her throat. After a deep breath, she placed her right hand over her heart. “In here, Barrington, I know Jordy is your daughter; I know you love her and you want me to love her. In my heart, I know it's not her fault, her mother's actions and all. But you're racing a mile a minute; you're taking me too fast here, Barrington and, I'm just trying to keep up. Maybe not at the pace you deem necessary, but I'm trying to keep up That’s all I got right now.”

  Thoughtfully, Barrington took a moment to mull over what his wife said and truly tried to consider the position Nia’s deception had forced her in. But then again, he thought, wasn’t that exactly what she’d also done to him? Kind of in a way, he reasoned within, but knew all too well better than to let that thought slip out his mouth. His gaze fell on her and as he looked at her he wondered how he was supposed to get through to this woman whom he loved more than his next breath. Still, no matter how much he loved Perri, it wouldn’t be enough to undo all the damage that Nia inflicted on both of them; especially on the daughter she conceived without his knowledge or permission. He still couldn’t believe she actually went so far as to have herself inseminated with some leftover semen that she’d found in one of the condoms he used to protect Perri from an unwanted and unplanned pregnancy. That was just sick! And it was also surreal.

  At the same time, Barrington didn’t believe Nia should have had to pay the high cost of her lies through her own death. He pitied his ex-housekeeper as much as he loathed her inexcusable actions. Barrington just could not wrap his brain around the fact that any woman would be so desperate to have a part of a man, any part of him—no matter if he returned her feelings or not—that she’d purposely go out of her way to do whatever she felt necessary to get what she wanted in spite of who it hurt. He knew that as far as he and Perri had come in terms of their marriage and friendship, they still had a long ways to go. And the circumstances surrounding his new child didn’t help at all. He wondered what to do, knowing there was no way he could not take Jordy in, even after his parents' offered to raise her for him. He couldn't do that. He was Jordy's sole survivor and she was his responsibility. At the same time, he knew to permanently take her in, Perri would definitely misconstrue as a betrayal to his sincere commitment to their marriage.

  Yet the truth kept forcing its way to the forefront of Barrington’s mind. In his heart he knew his youngest daughter deserved to know him every bit as much as his first daughter did. And he deserved to know her, too, and for that matter, so did Imani because whether anyone was ready to receive it or not his daughters’ though having different mothers, were still siblings, and sisters had a bond that couldn’t be touched. Perri should understand that as close as she is to her sisters.

  “Perri, you can't not want me to acknowledge my daughter or for Imani not to acknowledge her sister—because they are you know. Sisters, I mean. Do you want to raise Imani to think it is okay to judge from outside appearances regardless of the fact that the one being judged was a victim of the circumstances they were born into?” Barrington knew he was hitting below the belt, he felt the blow his question dealt to his wife’s heart; he felt it in his own spirit, and it hurt to have to come at her this way. But at this point, he felt justified. Convinced he had to do something, try something, anything to keep his family from falling apart, and at the same time, find a way to add a new member to his already existing family circle, because he was certain together they had enough love to share with Jordy. At least he prayed that someday Perri would feel the same way. It would be nice if today were that day; but he’d take what he could get, what God was gracious enough t
o bestow upon him.

  Perri shook her head. “Why you gotta be so dramatic about everything?”

  “Because, Perri, dramatics seem to be the only thing you understand; at least where I’m concerned.” Refusing to let this go, Barrington said rather impatiently, “Now please answer my question.”

  “All right, all right. No, I don’t want Imani to disown her sister. Are you happy?”

  Unable to help the smile that spread across his lips, he said, “Very.”

  “And regardless of what you think I feel,” Perri continued, “I don’t want you to disown your daughter, either. I would never ask you to do that and I'd never be able to get past the fact you did, even if you somehow could make yourself do it. I could never respect you if I knew you knowingly turned your back on your own flesh and blood.”

  Visibly relieved, Barrington felt the heavy load he was carrying lighten upon hearing his wife’s words. “Thank God,” he whispered. “You don’t know how glad I am to hear you say that, Perri.”

  Smiling, she disagreed. “I believe I do know, Barrington, because I can still recall you having the same reaction where our daughter was concerned once you knew she existed.” Perri couldn't help thinking back on the mistakes she made in the past. “I’m really sorry about that, Barrington. I was so wrong on so many levels for doing you like I did; you didn’t deserve it and I had no right to choose for you.” Ashamed, she lowered her head and admitted, “Guess I’m not so different from Nia, huh?”

  Before either of them knew it Barrington had gathered Perri in his arms forcing her to look up at him and shook his head in denial. “Don’t ever say that to me again, or for that matter, don’t even repeat those words to anyone. Baby, you are nothing like Nia.”

  “But you were angry—more than angry at me for not telling you about Imani.”

  “Yes I was,” Barrington admitted, “still it’s not the same thing in your case.”

  “But—”

  “No, baby, listen to what I’m saying.” He lightly kissed her lips forcing his self not to lay her down on the carpet and make love to her until she knew in the depths of her soul that he would never place her in the same category as Nia. Perri had carved out a special place in his heart and no one would ever be able to fill the space except her.

  “I could stand here, Perri, and give you a million and one reasons why you’re not to be compared to Nia. The major and most important reason being, I wasn’t in love with her; I never even considered her on that level. I mean,” he tried not to sound harsh, “she was my housekeeper not the keeper of my heart.” He lightly tapped her forehead. “That would be you, sweet Perri. Now, always and forever,” Barrington confessed sealing his vow with a passionate kiss that sent them both reeling to and frolicking on the floor where they proceeded to make love to and with each other well into the night.

  ***

  Having lain there, contemplating her final decision, Perri spoke softly, “I give it all up,” as tears welled up in her eyes.

  Barrington who’d been nibbling her neck paused. “You say something, baby?”

  She nodded. “Yes.”

  Barrington wasn’t completely sure but thought her voice, though very soft, sounded as if she were crying, making him wonder if he'd hurt her during their intense lovemaking. Needing to see for himself, he turned Perri face to him. “What’s wrong, baby?” he asked, his voice gentle as a baby's breath, while his concerned eyes lovingly inspected her naked body. “Did I hurt you?”

  Barely shaking her head, she said, ‘Of course not, G-Man.” She smiled in spite of herself. “I can handle you just fine, thank-you-very-much.”

  Ignoring her humor for the moment, he pressed, “What then?”

  She took a while to respond thinking about how best to answer her husband.

  “Perri?” Barrington honestly didn’t know what to make of her sudden change in mood and it was really starting to scare him. He wondered if she'd decided to leave him over this whole Jordy issue; the suspense was enough to kill him.

  Detecting alarm in his tone, she assured him, “It’s not what you think, baby.”

  Somewhat relieved, he said, “Perri, talk to me. What’s going on, baby?”

  “As a family, Barrington, what’s going on with me is the best thing for us all.”

  New hope sprang forth inside Barrington’s soul as he sat straight up in bed and in one smooth move, sat his wife on his lap, looking deep in her beautiful chocolate brown eyes. “Are you saying what it sounds like you might be saying?”

  With a slight nod, Perri smiled. “I'm saying precisely that.”

  Emotion filled Barrington. “You mean it, Perri? For real, baby? You want—”

  “To please God,” she interjected. “I give up all the animosity, resentment, bitterness, jealousy, hate and rage I felt towards Nia, so that I can help raise her and your daughter with the same love and devotion I do with our daughter. They are sisters regardless of how it came about; and they do deserve to grow up knowing each other, given the chance to have each other’s back, developing an even stronger bond than they already have between them.

  “And you, Barrington, you deserve to be a part of your daughters’ lives and have them be a part of your life without feeling guilty just because I’m not the mother of them both.” Framing his handsome face, Perri kissed his lips softly and said, “You shouldn’t have to choose between your wife and your children when together, under the same roof, we can just all be one big happy family.”

  Barrington could only pull her to his chest and hold her close to his heart as tears rolled down his face. He loved this woman more than life itself and he’d gladly give up his own life just to make good and sure she was alive and well. After several minutes, Barrington whispered a heartfelt, “Thank you, sweet Perri.”

  “You’re welcome, my one true love. And I do love you, Barrington. More than you could ever know.”

  “Oh, I do know, Perri. I’ve always known you love me—even when you thought I left you on your own. When I laid eyes on you again in spite of your cold treatment, I knew you loved me. I know you’ll always love me, Perri, because I feel your love no matter where I am. I know you’re always down for me, you always have my back. And this just further proves it, baby!”

  They shared an intimate kiss that said everything else they couldn’t.

  “Thank you, Perri. You don’t know how much this means to me.”

  “You’re welcome, Barrington; I do know how much this means to you. But as I said, I want to please God; so while I’m glad you benefit from that pleasure, this is not at all about us, and, totally about Him. Barrington, what I’m promising to you . . . that’s what I give up for the Kingdom.”

  “Amen.” He smiled. “God is pleased with you, Perri. I know He is because He answered my prayer.”

  “He answered our prayers,” she lovingly corrected him.

  “Thank You, Jesus,” Barrington praised. Unable to take his eyes off Perri, he felt led to make love to his wife, again . . . naked and not ashamed.

  ***

  That night, holding his sleeping wife's warm body, Barrington lay wide-awake in bed, thinking about his sudden and seemingly too full life and felt he didn't have enough time to divide his attention among the tasks he knew he needed to be performing.

  He had been going back and forth all night toying with the surprising thoughts that came to his mind and, not for the first time, Barrington seriously considered retiring from the R&B music scene. Having sang all his life—not all secular, of course, but still, he'd been singing all his life, making him wonder what he would do if he did give it all up. Granted, the early years of his life mostly consisted of singing gospel or a cappella and he had made his mark and done exceptionally well in that area of music; but as he grew older his heart had become the soulful and sultry sounds of R&B, so he honestly could not picture a life where he wasn’t up on somebody’s stage belting out lyrics, while couples made babies, listening to him and Crush on CD—where he all
too happily—provided the background music for the sole purpose of ‘getting them in the mood’ so to speak.

  Lyrical love was the phrase that came to his mind, making him wonder if he could give his life to the Lord and still sing secular music. With so many questions and not one possible answer for himself, Barrington wound up being mostly confused. The more he thought about it, the more it seemed to keep him confused. Do I have to give up R&B to please God? Barrington wondered at the same time Perri turned over in his arms. Smiling big and bright, she snuggled closer to him like she wanted to step inside him or something and, Barrington just lost all train of thought as he proceeded to kiss his wife offering himself and giving her what he knew she wanted and needed from him at the moment. Truth is he needed it just as much as his sweet Perri, if not maybe even more.

  ***

  “Baby, why you don’t backup dance for the locals anymore?” Barrington looked at Perri, a serious expression plastered on his face. “You and Journey, why y’all don’t still dance?” he wondered again. “Before when you were pregnant I can see why; but after you had Imani you never went back to dancing. Why, baby?”

  Caught off guard, Perri stopped sketching, looking in his direction. “Where did that question come from, Barrington?”

  He hunched his shoulders. “Just wondering,” he remarked nonchalantly.

  It was more to it that that but her spirit knew not to press. “Oh,’ was all Perri said, taking a moment to consider his question, then gave him her full attention. “You know, baby, after our parents’ died and Madear took Hunter, Tyler and me in, she said something very profound that none of us has ever forgotten.” Perri had to smile at the attentive expression on Barrington’s face as he watched and waited for her to continue.

  “After the funeral, Madear tucked the three of us in the same bed, because we refused to sleep apart,” she laughed at the memory. “Then she told us that everything in life happens for a reason, and, even though we were still too young to understand the reason why God saw fit to take both our parents as the same time, we could rest assured that He doesn’t ever make mistakes. He knew what He was doing and He knew the circumstances surrounding the events that would take them out of here and away from us for good on this here present earth.