“Up to the last moment, I was hoping for that kind of surprise that indeed she will be there, but apparently she didn’t receive a permit to leave Iran.”
“Well, tell me how it was. I’m sure that the meeting with Amir was also exciting.”
Sherry was silent.
Yaron saw her tears. “I’m sorry how insensitive I am. I will not pressure you.”
Throughout the ride, Sherry’s eyes were focused somewhere outside the window, the view changing as it passed over her face. How she wished to share her ordeal with someone, but it only meant that she will go through the hard event again, and she was unable to do so. When they reached Tel Aviv, Sherry asked Yaron to take her to her apartment.
“Do you still intend to move into my apartment?” Yaron asked.
“Yes, it will take me a few days to organize my things and move into your apartment temporarily.”
“No problem. By the way, Ronit came to the restaurant. She was looking for you. I thought that if you didn’t update her, then you didn’t want her to know that you left to go abroad. So I told her that I didn’t know where you were. Then I realized that I was not smart, because she must have blown out with worries, but I did not know how to call her. So, if you talk to her, I won’t know anything.”
“Thank you, Yaron.”
“At your service, any time.”
She went to her apartment and the phone immediately rang. Every ring contracted her heart and caused every part of her body to respond. She waited for the call to be over and then picked up the phone and called Ronit. She didn’t want her to keep worrying for nothing.
“Sherry? Are you okay?”
“Yes, why?”
“Are you asking why? I have been looking for you for days! I went to Yaron. He also doesn’t know anything. Where have you been?”
“I flew to Turkey. I told you that I needed to fly there to meet the family of my sister.”
There was silence from the other side. “You said it in general. I think you could bother to update me the details on when are you leaving, when are you coming back...”
“You’re right.”
“How was it?”
“It was hard, very hard,” Sherry said. She knew that Ronit would interpret the incident differently than she intended.
“Yes, I can imagine. How did she react when she saw you?”
“They didn’t permit her to go out from Iran. That’s why I only met with the son of her foster father.”
“Oh.”
“Ronit, can I talk to you later? I just arrived now and everything is still sitting in my heart.”
“Of course, just one more thing. Eyal asked me about you. I told him that I don’t know anything. He didn’t believe me.”
“He doesn’t interest me anymore. Bye, Ronit.” Sherry hung up.
Eyal belonged to the past, a past she added to the parts she wanted to forget. The only thought connected to him was focused on the ways in which she will be able to leave their shared apartment as soon as possible.
She lay in bed, praying that she could sleep and forget the nightmare for a while, but the thoughts didn’t give her rest, they echoed again and again. There was a ring. She picked up the phone and immediately realized that she made a mistake.
“Sherry?” She heard the voice of Eyal. “Where have you been?”
“I don’t think that you have the right to ask me that question.”
“Are you mad?”
“What does it matter if I’m angry or not? Yes, I’m angry and so what?”
Eyal was embarrassed from the attack. He didn’t recognize the aggressive side of her. “You moved away from the house because of me?”
“Don’t flatter yourself. I went to see my sister’s adoptive family in Turkey.”
“Right, I forgot about that,” Eyal said in anguish. “I called you every night.”
“I thank you for that,” she replied ironically. “Look, I just got back now and I don’t feel well. The meeting didn’t do me good. I’m sorry, but I have to hang up the phone.”
Eyal ignored her request. “I guess it was an emotionally charged meeting for you, and I’m sorry I was not with you. I’ll be there in three days and try to mend your feelings. I promise.”
“Don’t bother. I have enough friends who can support me. I don’t need another one, and now, as I told you, I have to end the conversation.”
Sherry lay in bed. The taste of vodka was on her lips, and she could still hear the breathing of Amir next to her ear and his cry when he crossed the forbidden barrier. He broke the significant relationship of her life—her relationship with Tamar. She glanced at the clock. It was already 7:00 in the morning and she didn’t close her eyes, not for a minute. She stayed in bed for the rest of the day, and in the evening, she called Yaron and told him that she couldn’t come for the shift.
She hung up and continued to try to force herself to sleep, but without success. Only during the late hours at night was she able to sleep for a few hours.
She returned to the apartment from a rough afternoon shift. She heard running water in the shower. She went to the roof and occupied herself in painting. After 15 minutes, Eyal came out to the roof while wiping his hair and was surprised to see her. “I didn’t know that you’re here. When did you arrive?”
“Just now,” she said reluctantly.
He stood behind her, still wiping his hair. “What are you painting?”
“Just some sort of nonsense.”
He kissed her neck, but Sherry moved her head away from him and continued to move the paintbrush on the canvas. “It seems sad to me,” he said.
“Yes, it’s very sad that you allow yourself to touch me.”
“I mean the painting.”
Sherry was surprised that he again succeeded in reading her through the paintings. She did not try to hide her surprised face.
He sat on a high chair behind her and grabbed her around the waist.
Sherry took his hands off her. “Stop acting like your mom was right.” She put down the brushes in anger and intended to leave, but he pulled her back.
“You heard her?”
“I heard her.”
“Let’s have a drink and talk about it calmly.”
She took his hands off her. “We have nothing to talk about, so don’t you dare to put your hands on me. It irritates me that you are using me to get through your drought period with Natalie. What did your mother say? Marry her and you don’t need to hang out with girls like me.”
He smiled. “I’ll make myself a drink and be back. Do you also want one?”
“No.”
He returned with a cup of coffee.
“Maybe we’ll sit together. I’m not comfortable talking while you are painting, and I seem to be talking with the air.”
“Then stop talking.”
He smiled and took the paintbrush from her hands. He took her hand and pulled her towards the couches that were cracked by the heat of the sun. He put her on one of the couches and sat on the sofa nearby.
“I know that you’re mad at me because I was with Natalie after we were together. But, I was very confused. You mean so much to me, and I can’t stop thinking about you even for a moment. On the other hand, I’ve known Natalie for years. We’ve been friends for a long time. I really didn’t know what to do. All through the week, I was thinking if I would either go with my heart or go with logic. Logic says that I will go back to Natalie, because I don’t know you enough to give up something safe and familiar like Natalie, though we really can’t get along.”
“If you can’t get along with Natalie, then leave her. You don’t need security in the form of a new girl who is waiting for you.”
He looked at her for a long time without saying anything. “Sherry, you have no idea how difficult it is.”
“Are you talking about hard? What do you think I felt throughout the week that you didn’t call me, and on the weekend you ran away from the apartment just to hang out with Natalie?
Does it seem easier for you? You could have at least come and talk to me, but you acted like a coward.” She took a breath. “You used me ... Well, it does not matter. I’m over it.”
“I’m sorry, Sherry, I did not use you. I didn’t invite you to my house that night. How do you think I should behave when a girl whom I am madly attracted comes to my house in the middle of the night? It happened, I don’t regret it, but then I found myself in the middle of a conflict.”
“So you made the easy choice, to hurt me instead of an old girlfriend?”
“Yes.”
“Okay, I understand. At least you are acting like a man now and have the nerve to explain yourself.”
“It was the easiest choice, but not the truth.” He smiled a little. “I can’t get you out of my mind. I can’t stop thinking about you even for a moment. More than that, I enjoy thinking about you, I enjoy thinking that you’re mine. I want you more than anything that I’ve wanted in my life.”
He got up and sat beside her. He put his one hand at the back of her head and the other was under her shirt. Sherry felt a shivering sensation. She wanted him so much, but after the rape, nothing could go on as usual. She pushed him away. “Your intuition was a little bit late. Lots of things happened since we were together.”
He looked at her in surprise. Suddenly, he remembered her Iranian friend and felt an intense prick of jealousy. Was that what she meant? Did the meeting in Turkey with the childhood friend reduce the warm feelings of Sherry towards him? “Is there something to do with your childhood friend?”
“No, it’s about you. Until now I heard you zigzagging between your authentic childhood friend and me, the woman that you desire sexually. I don’t want to be in this situation.”
“I won’t deny that I desire you sexually, but it’s not just that. My business with Natalie is over. I had a long and hard break up talk with her. I’ve hurt her very much.”
Sherry stared at him, surprised. “Did you break up with her? But you said...”
“We broke up,” he said briefly. He did not feel comfortable talking about it.
“So, she doesn’t know about me?”
“No, it was hard for me to tell her. One day, she’ll know, and maybe it will be less painful for her. But, for now, I think it’s not a good idea to tell her about us.” He held her waist. “I’ve missed you, Sherry.” He tried to bring her closer to him.
“No, not now Eyal.” There is no way that she would sleep with him when the memories of the rape were still burning her mind and her body was still under Amir’s body, lying in bed in Istanbul.
“Okay.” He got up and walked away without hiding his disappointment.
After an hour, he went out and returned in the late hours of the night. Sherry considered his retreat a clear statement that he lived well with her rejection. Behind all his loving words, there were no serious intentions. When she went to sleep, the insulting feeling that Eyal was not even in love with her grew strong. He just reckoned her as another easy conquest, and almost sure that he spent the night with Natalie. She was glad that this time she did not fall into his trap.
In the morning when she woke up, she was mad at him even more than the night before. She took the rent money and knocked at his door. He did not answer, and she opened the door and found him immersed into a deep sleep. “I’m putting the rent money on the dresser.”
He turned around and opened his sleepy eyes.
“The rent money is here,” she repeated.
“I thought you came into the room for other reasons,” he smiled slightly.
“Go back to your sleep and to your dreams.”
Now he was more wide awake. “Stop with your nonsense, take the money back.”
“It’s your money. I lived here.”
He got out of bed and gave her back the money while he made another attempt to approach her, but she refused to take the money back and rejected his touch. He dragged her to the bed and hugged her. “What do you think of making a deal─rental fee in exchange for sexual services?” His lips were playing with her lips, eradicating the taste of vodka. His strong arms wrapped around her, and she felt protected inside them. His naked body moved over her body, cleansing all traces of the painful event. She surrendered herself to him without any inhibitions. She was surprised.
“It always works,” he said, as he lay on his back with his hands under his head.
“Work, what?”
He turned to her. “Money buys everything.”
“Oh.” She gave him a light slap on the shoulder and got up, but he pulled her back to bed. “You’re not going anywhere. Do you think you will be able to pay the rent for two months in fifteen minutes?” She remained in his arms until she heard that his breathing became irregular as he fell asleep.
She went back to painting, deciding that nothing could make her tell Eyal what happened in Istanbul. She wouldn’t take the risk of him leaving her over it. Maybe after a year or two, when the bond was strong enough, she might tell him.
In the evening, they sat on the roof of the house holding wine glasses. Eyal told her about the war raging in Lebanon and about his two best friends who were killed in an ambush. “Everything could have ended after five days of war, but we were stuck there for three years already...” A tone of frustration was in his voice.
“How can you continue to perform military services when you are against war?”
“Every soldier has his own opinion, but once you got into the army, you have to put them aside.”
“Did you ever think about leaving the army?”
“No,” he answered briefly and unequivocally.
“Are you there because of your father?”
He thought for a moment. “I have no idea.”
She looked at him sympathetically.
“Tell me, how was Istanbul?”
Sherry leaned her back against his chest and his hands were wrapped around her body.
“Why are you silent?”
“I don’t want to talk about Istanbul.”
“So, tell me about your family. Is it not time for you to tell me?”
“What do you want to hear?”
“About you when you were little, let’s start with that.”
Sherry turned her body to face him. A tear moistened the tips of her eyes. “It seems so far to me, not only because of the years that passed, but also of the distance from the reality that I am now. Believe it or not, I grew up as a princess. I had everything I wanted in life. When people played marbles, I could play marbles with diamonds. In my Bat Mitzvah, the whole family went for a trip to Europe ... and then, one day, all our lives changed...”
Sherry told him the story about the stolen diamond and the burden that her family had gone through. He held her hand and kissed her while he listened. When she finished telling her story, tenderness and understanding revealed through his eyes.
19
A week before Rosh Hashana, Eyal was supposed to go to the south for a period of three months. But the situation in Lebanon intensified, and Sherry knew that there was a chance that Eyal would not be coming during the weekend. She stood near the phone for a moment, afraid that Eyal would call after she had already left the apartment, but the device remained silent. She left for the shift, disappointed, knowing that the shift would barely move.
Throughout the afternoon, she passed between the tables like a robot, taking orders in and out, until she absorbed a comment from one of the customers for not being nice. She gave him a half apologetic smile and approached the next table to get another order. “What do you want to order?”
“Holiday!” Eyal moved the menu from his face and found her kissing him for so long, leaving no room for air.
“Hey, that’s not nice. There are people here.”
“Where?”
Eyal didn’t have a problem obeying Sherry’s request to join Eran and Ronit for a vacation in Sinai as he wanted to sit beside Eran during the flight and catch up.
Ronit tried to
overhear them without success. “Look, they did not shut their mouths for a moment, while you and I couldn’t find any topic to talk about.” She tried again, turning her head in an exaggerated position as a desperate step to listen and to make Sherry laugh. But, Sherry did not laugh. Her stomach contracted, and she felt a rising heat burn in her throat. She quickly pulled an envelope from her seat and threw up into it. She was surprised by the rapid reaction of Eyal, that although he was engaged in a conversation with Eran, he noticed her distress and exchanged places with Ronit. “Do you have air sickness?” he asked, while stroking her forehead.
“I don’t know, this never happened to me before.”
She vomited again, then dropped her head on Eyal’s shoulder. Somehow, this worked as a medicinal drug and prevented nausea and vomiting.
“Maybe you’re pregnant,” Ronit said, while waiting for the arrival of the luggage.
Sherry looked at her in panic.
“What are you scared of? Pregnancy is not a disease.”
“Ronit, stop!” Sherry whispered firmly. “And don’t you dare expose your thoughts to anyone.”
Ronit scrutinized Sherry’s face, seeking an explanation to the extreme reaction, but Sherry focused on, Eyal who was taking the luggage down from the conveyor.
When they got to the hotel, Sherry refused the offer of her three friends to go to the pool so they went without her. She needed time to digest the fear that struck her head and try to calculate the time. It had been four months since her flight to Istanbul. She didn’t get her period, but this was normal for her. She always attributed it to tension and a poor diet. She started to take birth control two weeks after the first time she slept with Eyal. So, if she was indeed four months pregnant, then she was about to face a serious problem. Sherry was angry at herself for not being alert enough to understand that the vomiting and nausea that assaulted her for the last few months were signs of pregnancy. She prayed that she was just in the early period of pregnancy so she could have an abortion.
She heard Eyal enter the room and get into a position as if she were sleeping. She felt his body cling to her body. His lips were kissing her shoulders, knowing that he was trying to wake her up, but this time she didn’t succumb.
Colors of the Shadow Page 14
