Colors of the Shadow

by Nava Dijkstra

  “What does that mean?” Sherry asked.

  “That we can at least get him off the respirator.”

  “And, he will continue to lay helpless in bed?” she asked anxiously.

  “Unfortunately, yes. I believe that the treatments in the trauma department will improve the condition, but do not expect drastic changes. You can do surgery to bring back the vertebrae into place, but I do not recommend it. It’s a matter of risking life. Let’s say 50-50. But, you can consult with other doctors. I’m ready to give information to anyone that you send to me.”

  Eyal thanked him and the doctor stood up.

  “Can we see our son now?” Sherry asked.

  “He’s asleep now, but you can see him.”

  Sherry entered Ofek’s room and kissed him carefully on the face, seeing that Eyal took Ofek’s hand and held it.

  During the night, Sherry and Eyal were not allowed to enter Ofek’s room. Therefore, they preferred to rest at home and gather strength for the next day and for the days that would follow. In the middle of the night, Eyal left the shared bed and Sherry could not sleep. All her thoughts were focused on Ofek. The moments of his birth, her rejection and his injury, continued to haunt and plague her mind. Her thoughts were focused on the bed in Rambam Hospital. He would never walk again; he would never sit in a wheelchair and move it with his hands; he wouldn’t eat alone or talk. The only clear thing left was his thinking. He would be aware of his condition. She thought about the 50 percent that could save her son. Was it right not to take it into consideration? Eyal and the doctor were concentrated on the risk, while she could not ignore the chance.

  But, maybe she was wrong. Maybe she should concentrate solely on the risk, just like Eyal and the doctor. The question was very difficult and she could not find a definite answer. She decided to discuss it with Eyal and let him decide on the issue. He was a loving father who could make the right decisions for Ofek.

  She wiped her tears and looked at the clock. It was six in the morning and she did not sleep all night. She put on her robe and went downstairs. She found Eyal sitting on a chair in the pergola, holding the basketball in his hands and staring into the air. She walked away quietly and went back to her room. Half an hour later, she heard Eyal’s car leaving the driveway. She presumed that he drove off to the hospital.

  He returned home at around 3:00 in the afternoon. His eyes were small and collapsed from lack of sleep, and his face was pale. “Where is Shahar?” he asked, as if he was afraid of losing her too.

  “She’s in her room. Do you want to eat?”

  “I do, but I can’t. I know I should be happy that he’s alive, but I can’t accept his condition.”

  “I know. It’s hard for me, too.”

  “He is lying there helpless and I can’t help him. It drives me crazy,” Eyal said.

  “Maybe what you’re saying is not true. Maybe you can help him. We still have not checked into the other option that the doctor was talking about. We did not even consult with a specialist.”

  “Dr. Elimelech is the Director of Rambam, not a trainee doctor, and if he tells me not to take the risk of the operation, then I won’t take it. Like he said, the chances are 50-50, and I’m not going to take Ofek’s life as a trivia quiz of true or false.”

  “So, just play safe and skip the question?”

  “Don’t be smart.”

  “But, that’s exactly what you’re doing—skipping. How do you know that your opinion is correct?”

  “Because life wins.”

  “You call this a life? His ability to breathe?”

  “So, what are you saying? That Ofek’s condition is not good enough for you?”

  Sherry was offended by his question. It was clear to her that he was insinuating her role as a mother. “I still would have considered the matter.”

  “No sane person would consider a life-threatening surgery.”

  “I do,” she said weakly, still hurt.

  “Except you,” he replied sarcastically.

  They sat side by side for a while in silence. “I’m going to Ofek. Are you staying here?” Sherry asked.

  “No, I wish I could. I must go back to the army. The situation in the North is intense as usual.”

  “If you get some sleep, war won’t break out.”

  “You wish, and it’s the worst timing for me.”

  She gave him a questioning look.

  “Hezbollah fired rockets towards the northern communities again. Now, there will be air strikes, and this will continue just like a regular and expected movie….”

  Sherry looked at him with sympathy. She went to her room to get organized in order to go to Ofek. When she came down to the first floor, she was delighted to find Eyal asleep on the couch. She took Shahar with her and headed to Ronit’s house where she left her and continued to Rambam Hospital.

  She went to Ofek’s room and stroked his forehead. “Don’t worry. I’ll go talk to another doctor. I will not let you stay this way. I’ll do everything to get you out of this. You’re my son, and I also have the right to decide for your fate,” she said.

  He closed his eyes slightly.

  “Promise!”

  She saw him falling into a peaceful sleep. Was it a hope that came from her words? She presumed that Ofek was aware of his condition, and the fact that he could not walk instilled frustration and pain in him.

  When she left the hospital, she remembered her father, who collapsed after the disappearance of Esther, and wondered if the irresponsible promise that she gave to Ofek was a sort of collapse. Even her father, with his innocence, believed that Esther would come back, but his faith didn’t bring her back. The comparison between her and her father scared her. He was weak. He let the circumstances, difficult as they were, to crush him. She wanted to be different, to be strong. “I’ll be strong for you Ofek, promise! I won’t get down.” She recited to herself all the way back home.

  Sherry came home late. Eyal was sitting in the kitchen with a Lieutenant Coronel Officer. Both were studying large maps that were spread on the table. He looked exhausted. Despite this, Sherry noticed that he was aware of her agitation.

  “Something happened?” he asked after the officer left.

  “I promised Ofek to do everything for him.”

  Eyal embraced her. Then he looked into her eyes. “You believe that Ofek will be healthy and holding back the fact that his condition is irreversible. You must accept things as they are. I know it’s hard. Try to work on yourself like me and accept the fact that this is the situation, beyond repair. You have nothing to hope for. It is important for you to learn to accept Ofek as he is.”

  “I will accept the situation only if I have no choice, but I have, and I’m not going to ignore it.”

  “What choice?” Eyal asked.

  “The one that you refuse to see,” she said, and walked away. She hoped to get some support from him, but he preferred his way to lower expectations.

  The next day, Dr. Elimelech informed them that he would transfer Ofek to the trauma department. “There, he will receive physiotherapy and hydrotherapy and can reach maximum recovery, in his limited ability, of course.”

  “What limited ability are you talking about? Ability to breathe?” Sherry asked sarcastically.

  “Sherry, relax,” Eyal said.

  “I want the best for my son. This is my ability limit that I can offer him.”

  Dr. Elimelech put his hands on the table as if he took a break in his words. “Believe me, the trauma and rehabilitation department is the best solution. They make miracles here. You have to trust them.”

  Sherry looked at Eyal. It was clear that she was in a battle against both. She bit her lower lip hard. In the lake, she was so weak. Two girls were holding her hands and prevented her from saving her sister, and now, Eyal and the doctor were tying her hands, and giving her the feeling that if she would go on a 50 percent chance, she was an insensitive woman who ignored the risks. No, she wouldn’t ignore it. They we
re the ones who ignored the 50 percent chance. They were the one who allowed fear to decide for Ofek. They were the ones who were standing next to her, asking her to give up her attempts to save Ofek, to give him a chance to a better quality of life.

  “I just think that we should take every chance to give him life.” She tried to get down from the decisive tone that she adopted.

  “I suggest you go home and think about it,” the doctor said. “It’s not a decision to be made in a moment.”

  “It’s not a moment, it’s been four days,” Sherry responded with despair. The doctor looked at them alternately. He tapped his finger on his cheek as if he was thinking. “I had my say, but if, in any way, you decide to do the surgery, you need to get the best surgeon.”

  “You probably know one,” Sherry said.

  Dr. Elimelech paused and looked at Eyal, who was restrained on the side. “I would advise you to get Professor Bar-tov. He is an expert on this kind of surgery. He also has innovative treatments, and I think he is the man who is best fitted to do the surgery for your son. But, you will have two problems: first, to convince him to do this difficult surgery, and second, he charges a fortune for the surgery. After all these, there still is no assurance of success.” He looked at Sherry and soke hesitantly. “You can lose everything in this surgery.” Sherry knew that he was implying that they might lose Ofek as well as their money.

  Eyal and Sherry stood up and the doctor added, “If you decide to turn to Professor Bar-tov, then hurry up and call him. Timing is very important, and it is also very difficult to get appointments with him.”

  When they got home, Eyal went up to his bedroom. Sherry knew that he decided to give up the surgery and let the rehabilitation center generate the miracles. She went after him into the bedroom. He sat in bed and she stood close to him. “The doctor said that we should talk about it at home.”

  “I’m not taking any risk of losing Ofek.”

  “You are not ready to take the chance, too.”

  “That’s right.”

  “You’re actually saying that the decision is in your hands and I have no say on the subject, just like in every situation in our lives. You do not want a surgery. Therefore, there is nothing to talk about.”

  “No, what I’m saying is that I accept Ofek in any situation.”

  “I’ll accept him in any situation, after I’ll know that I have done everything to save him.”

  “Maybe you won’t have the chance to accept him in any situation.”

  Sherry understood that under no circumstances would he allow the procedure. She decided to take a less aggressive, but more conciliatory method and sat beside him in bed. “I think Ofek deserves that we at least go to the professor and hear what he has to say, and not to rule out anything about the future. Don’t you think so?” Just like she thought, this statement really affected Eyal like magic.

  “I don’t have a problem going and hearing what he has to say, but honestly, I don’t think he can change my mind.”

  “Then I’ll call and we’ll set up a meeting.”

  She called the clinic of Professor Bar-tov, and Sherry was surprised when he asked her to come that same day at 9:00.

  Sherry and Eyal entered the professor’s office. Sherry expected someone who was more impressive than a thin man sitting on a big chair. When the doctor got up to shake hands, Sherry noticed that he was not only thin, but also very small. He seemed too young to possess the title of a professor. Sherry handed him the medical records. “I’m familiar with the case. After you called me, I spoke with Dr. Elimelech who treated your son. He explained the situation. As he told you, the operation would not be easy...”

  “I know, but Dr. Elimelech told me that you’re the best in the field.”

  “I’m not a magician. There’s a big risk.” He described the risks that were related to the surgery.

  An expression of pain was in Eyal’s face. After the detailed explanations of the professor, Sherry knew that Eyal would not agree to do the surgery, and she would be back to square one.

  Sherry saw the triumphant look on Eyal’s face and understood that this was the point where Eyal stopped─his standpoint. She closed her eyes slightly as if she was deleting the terrifying thought.

  “Do your best,” she told the doctor.

  He nodded and then looked at Eyal. “Unfortunately, I have to update you about the expenses related to the surgery. They are not low...” He gave the amount, which was more than half the value of their house. Sherry felt as if a hammer landed on her head. They had the money that she took from her grandfather, but she put two-thirds of it on the mortgage and only one-third was left in Ofek’s savings—not enough to finance the operation. She recovered quickly and decided she could ask for the money that was in the possession of her sister, Tamar. It was time that something good came out from these diamonds─for once, to save a life instead of destroying one.

  “I’ll produce the money for you. When can you do the surgery?”

  “Wait, why are you in a hurry?” Eyal firmly stopped her. “I did not say that I agree to the surgery.”

  The professor looked at them in confusion. “He’s right, it’s not a decision to be made so quickly, but in this particular case, you should do the surgery as soon as possible.”

  Eyal got up and shook hands with the professor. “We’ll think about it, and we’ll be in touch with you.” Eyal closed the conversation unilaterally.

  The professor, who noticed the disagreements, made it clear. “I will need the signature of the both of you for the surgery.”

  They left the clinic and Eyal hurriedly headed towards the car, but didn’t start it. “I swear that you’re crazy; I don’t know what’s going on with you.”

  “Why am I crazy? Is it because this is the first time that I won’t let you force your opinion on me? Because it is the first time that I have my own opinion?”

  “Oh, do not start that with me. Anyway, it’s too bad that you decided that it is time to declare independence.”

  His words annoyed her, but she ignored them. “I will not give up on this matter.”

  “You won’t give up on me?” Eyal threw a grin. “Listen to me good. There’s no way that Ofek will undergo this surgery. I’ll never sign any consent for this. In other words, over my dead body.” He raised his voice and didn’t stop talking to her in anger. His words blew her again and again, and she felt that she had no ability to carry his accusations anymore. “Stop shouting at me!” she shouted back at him. She felt the tension from the last couple of days exploding from her.

  There was a moment of silence, and Sherry broke it. She talked softly and quietly as she used to. “Unlike you, I make distinction between physical disabilities of Ofek and his clarity of mind, and I know that he knows the situation. He knows that he is a cripple. It’s not me who doesn’t understand his situation, but you. You can’t act in braveness against difficult decisions. The fear is paralyzing you.”

  “I’m a coward?” he grinned. “While you were sitting and drawing out your feelings through paintings, I took them out on my friends who were killed. If you knew what I had been through in my life, you would understand that your life was a paradise compared to the hell that I experienced.”

  She looked at him in shock, unable to believe what she heard.

  “My life was a paradise? Did I hear it right?” she asked, shocked. “Let’s hear what hell you went through. You mean you saw soldiers being killed during their duty? I saw my sister, the person closest to me, murdered in front of my eyes. She did not die defending the homeland. She was not prepared for this possibility. She didn’t even reach the age of thirteen. When she died before my eyes, I was only fifteen years old. I, just like you, lost my father, but they didn’t raise me on top of the Carmel Mountain, just like you. I grew up in a warehouse. The trotter of the Carmel Mountain is a palace next to it. You lived like a king with the identity of a prince. You are an officer and a son of an officer. Your mother’s only concern w
as your choice in a bride. You have the support of the Defense Ministry; it takes care of giving you money every month. I, unlike you, needed to paint like crazy at the age of fifteen in order to have food at home. You are not the one who struggled for life. I struggled for it. You were passing through a runway where the only target was to get a promotion. My runway is my will to survive from day to day.”

  Sherry sank inside herself for a moment, and then continued. “While you were busy with your journey of beret, I made the journey of my life. I do not have callus from the journey of beret. Mine are from life itself. I learned through my own experience that what doesn’t kill me will make me stronger. I did not quote this in the conversations with my soldiers as a proverb of Nietzsche. You are being taught in the army about the things that are not sure to happen. I was thrown to places that I didn’t know existed.” She felt exhausted by her words. “I’m not afraid that he will die, because he is dead every day. This is my chance to give him the life that I failed to give him. You may be a good general, but you don’t know anything about life. When you leave the army, you will be lost. With all the love you have for our son, you should ask yourself how much time you have spent with him. You’re not a perfect father. Maybe, compared to me, you were better, but you already knew that I was the most pathetic model comparison.”

  Eyal stared at her for a long time without speaking. He started the car and drove home in silence. For Sherry, the controversy ended. She decided that Ofek would undergo the surgery with or without Eyal’s consent. She was no longer the little girl from Iran, whose life was blowing her with the wind. She would determine the course of her life, even if it cost her her marriage. She knew that there was no escape. If Eyal doesn’t agree to sign the documents for the surgery, she would tell him that he has no right to sign; that he was not the father of Ofek. There was of course a chance that he was the father, but Sherry doubted if Eyal would perform a paternity test. He would rather leave things as they were and never know the truth.