The Wit and Humor of America, Volume V. (of X.)

by Finley Peter Dunne

HER "ANGEL" FATHER[3]

  BY ELLIOTT FLOWER

  "My Papa is an angel now," The little maiden said. We noted her untroubled brow, Her gayly nodding head, And then, of course, we wondered how She could have been misled.

  We felt that she was wrong, and yet We spoke in accents low, For life with perils is beset, And friends oft quickly go. But she was right; he'd gone in debt To "back" a burlesque show.

  [Footnote 3: Lippincott's Magazine.]

  ESPECIALLY MEN

  BY GEORGE RANDOLPH CHESTER

  The tantalizing stream on the other side of the hedge seemed, to the hotand tired young man, to lead the way straight into the heart of Paradiseitself. Six weary miles of white highway, wavering with heat and mistywith hovering dust clouds, still lay between himself and the railroadthat would whisk him away to the city. Behind him, conquered atfatiguing cost, were six more miles, stretching back to the villagewhere not even a team could be hired on Sunday. Rather than spend theday in that dismal abode of Puritanism he had fled on foot, his businessdone, and this little creek, mocking, alluring, irresistible, was theonly cheerful thing on which his eyes had rested in that whole stiflingjourney.

  Even this had a drawback. He glanced up again, with a puzzled frown, atthe queer sign glaring down at him from the hedge. It was the third oneof the sort in the past quarter of a mile:

  _TRESPASSERS_

  _Are warned from these premises under penalty of the law_

  _ESPECIALLY MEN_

  He turned away impatiently. Dust, dust, dust! He could feel it pasty onhis tongue, gritty on his lips, grimy on his face. It had stiffened hishair, clogged his nostrils, sifted through his clothing, settled intohis shoes. It was everywhere and all-pervading.

  The forbidden creek, in the very refinement of derision, suddenlybubbled into a bar of clinking song--a perfect ecstasy of crystalnotes--then as suddenly died down, babbling and gurgling, and flowedsmoothly on, whispering and murmuring to itself of the delights to comein the heart of the cool woods. Just here, with a swift sweep betweenmossy, curved banks, the stream turned its back to him and hurried awayamong the trees with a coy invitation that was well-nigh maddening. Heremembered just such a creek as that where, as a boy, he had used to gowith his companions after school.

  How delightful those boyish swims had been! In fancy he could still feelthe chill shock as he had plunged in, the sharp catching of his breath,the resounding splash, the shower of icy drops, the soft yielding of thewater--then the delicious buoyancy that had pervaded his limbs. Hewondered, with a whimsical smile, how long he could "stay under," and ifhe could hold his eyes open while he dived, and if he could still swim"dog fashion" and back-handed on his back, and if he could float andtread water and "turtle."

  How cool and shady and restful it looked in there! Just before the creekturned behind a clump of dogwood, a patch of sunlight lay on it,shooting down through the misty twilight of broad oak trees, and thesurface of the water dimpled and glinted and laughed and flirted at him,before it slipped away into leaf-dimmed sylvan solitudes, in a way thatwas not to be longer resisted. He gave one more glance of distaste atthe white hot road and gave up the struggle.

  "Here goes the 'especial man,'" he said, looking up at the sign insmiling defiance, and forced his way through the hedge.

  What a coquettish little stream that was! It leaped merrily down tiny,boulder-strewn inclines to show him how light-hearted and care-free itcould be; it flowed sedately between narrow banks of turf to display itsperfect propriety; it coyly hid behind walls of graceful, slenderwillows; it danced impudently into the open and dashed across clearspaces in frantic haste to escape him; it spread out, clear and limpid,upon little bars of golden sand, pretending frankly to reveal its pure,inmost depths; then raced on again, ever beckoning, ever enticing, evercajoling, until at last it plunged straight at a wall of dense, tangledunderbrush, and, with a vixenish gurgle of delight at its ownblandishing duplicity, vanished underneath the low sweeping mass ofleaves without even so much as a good-by!

  The pursuer was not to be daunted. Doggedly he fought his way around andthrough the swampy underbrush and presently stood blinking his delightedeyes in a little natural clearing that was a glorious climax to all thetantalizing coquetry of the creek. Encircled by drooping, long-leavedwillows that were themselves enringed by stately trees, lay a broad,deep pool, clear as crystal, one side carpeted with velvety turf andscreened with leafy draperies, and the whole canopied by the smilingblue sky. With a cry of pleasure the young man hastily threw off hisclothing, and, as he undressed, a school-boy taunt whimsically recurredto him.

  "Last one in's a nigger!" he shouted to the squirrel that he caughtpeering at him from the far side of a limb, and plunged into the pool.

  One by one he gleefully tried all the old boyish tricks until at last,tiring of them, he lay floating peacefully on his back, looking up atthe sky and covering the entire visible surface of it with air castles,as young men will. There was no dusty road, no broiling hot sun, no sixmiles of weary distance yet to cover.

  There was a rustle and a patter among the trees. Two dogs came boundingto the edge of the water and barked at the bather in friendly fashion.They were bouncing big St. Bernards, but scarcely more than puppies, andthey capered and danced in awkward delight when he splashed water atthem. As a further evidence of their friendly feeling they suddenlypounced upon his clothing.

  "Hey there!" cried the bather, and scrambled out to rescue his apparel.It was kind of him, the dogs thought, to take so much interest in thegame, and, not to be outdone in heartiness, they scampered off throughthe woods, taking the clothes with them. All they left behind was hishat, his shoes and one sock, his collar and cuffs and tie. He threwsticks and stones after them and had started to chase them when a newand dreadful sound smote on his ear. It was the voices of women!

  There was but one safe hiding-place--the pool. With rare presence ofmind he concealed the pathetic remnant of his belongings and plungedjust in time, diving under a clump of low-hanging willows where afriendly root gave support to his arms and breast.

  Two elderly ladies of severe and forbidding aspect came slowly withinhis range of vision. One was tall and thin and the other was short andthin, while both wore plain, skimp, black gowns and had their hairparted in the center and smoothed down flatly over their ears. They weresilent with some vexed and weighty problem as they drew near, but, asthey came just opposite to him, the taller of the two suddenly burst outwith:

  "Men, men, men! Nothing but men, morning, noon and night. Pleaseexplain, Sister Ann! Where did Adnah, during my brief absence, get hersudden curiosity about the despicable sex?"

  "It was the recent visit of Doctor Laura Phelps, Sister Sarah," meeklyreplied the smaller woman. "She lost a magazine while here and Adnahfound it. The publication contained several love stories, so-called, anillustrated article on 'Young Captains of Industry' and another on'Handsome Young Men of the Stage.' I burned the pernicious thing as soonas it came into my hands, but, alas, the damage had been done!"

  "Damage, indeed, Sister Ann!" snapped the other. "Since the age of five,poor Sister Jane's orphan has never been permitted to see a man. Bigcountry girls have even been hired to do our farm work. And this, _this_is the end of fourteen years of self-sacrificing care!"

  The young man in the pool cautiously ducked his head under the water. Amosquito had settled back of his ear and was driving him mad.

  "Dreadful!" moaned Sister Ann. "Adnah goes about sighing all the day,and looks over-long in the mirror, and takes unseemly pains with herdressing, and does up her hair with flowers, and has feverishly pinkcheeks, and likes to sit in a corner and brood, and takes long walks byherself, and especially, _especially_, seems fond of moonlight!"

  A snake slid down off the bushes into the water near the young man andhe "wanted out," but he stayed.

  "Moonlight!" sniffed Sarah. "Moonlight!" There is no language to expressthe disdain with which
she spoke this word of philandering andfrivolity.

  "Moonlight is very pretty," ventured the other. "I rather like itmyself."

  "At _your_ time of life!" retorted Sister Sarah. "You are toosentimental, Sister Ann, as well as too careless."

  Thank Heaven they were going! The young man waited until their voicesdied in the distance, then crept cautiously to the bank. He had to findthose dogs, and in a hurry. He had just seated himself to put on hisshoes for the search, when he again heard the voices of women and oncemore plunged into the pool, like a monster yellow frog, as he reflectedhe must seem to the squirrel in the tree.

  "But, Aunt Matilda, how do you know?" he heard as he came up under thewillows. This new voice, sweet and limpid, belonged to a girl of suchstriking appearance that the young man was on the point of forgettinghis dilemma--until that infernal mosquito settled down back of his earagain!

  "My dear Adnah," said a jerky little voice in answer, "your aunts,remember, were all young once, and considered great beauties in theirday." There was a world of gentle pride in Aunt Matilda's voice as shesaid this, and it sounded so well that she said it over again. "Greatbeauties in their day! In consequence they all had their experienceswith men, and know that there is not one to be trusted. Not one, mychild, not one! Believe your aunts."

  "It seems impossible, aunty," declared the soft voice of Adnah. "Why, inthat magazine were the pictures of some of the most noble-lookingcreatures--"

  "Tut, tut, child, those are the very worst kind," hastily interruptedAunt Matilda. "The more handsome they are, the more dangerous. Since youremain so incredulous, however, I suppose I shall have to tell you whatwe know about them."

  The young man in the pool felt his circulation stopping. The two womenwere calmly sitting down on the bank to talk confidences, and from whathe knew of the sex they were as likely as not to sit there untildoomsday, compelling him to appear before the angel Gabriel without evena shroud. He was conscious of the beginning of a cramp in his left legand his shoulders were becoming icy. He had to be motionless, too, andthat was another hardship. The least movement might betray him, for thewomen sat quite near, and Adnah was facing him. Thanks to the thicknessof his leafy hiding-place she could not see him, but he could see herquite plainly, and she was well worth looking at. She, too, wore aplain, skimp, black dress, and her brown hair was parted in the centerand smoothed down over her ears, but there the resemblance to AuntMatilda and the others ended, for her hair was wavy in spite of theseverely straight brushing, and it glinted gold where little flecks ofsunlight filtered through the branches of the tall trees to caress it.In the hair, too, was a single red rose, caught into place with anatural grace that it seemed a pity to waste on three spinster aunts andtwo dogs, and the same note of color was repeated in another rebelliousblossom at the throat. The young face was plump and oval, and the cheekswere pink, the brown eyes were wide and sparkling and--Oh, well, theyoung man in the pool stopped cataloguing her attractions and simplysummed her up as a stunningly pretty girl. Then he tried once more toget rid of that maddening mosquito and wished to high Heaven that theywould go!

  "When our dear mother died we four girls were all quite young," beganAunt Matilda, pausing primly to smooth down her skirts, and the youngman in the watery prison gave up in despair. She was starting out likethe old-fashioned story books, which never arrived any place, and neverknew how to get back if they did. "Your Aunt Sarah was eighteen yearsold, your Aunt Ann and myself sixteen, and your poor, deluded motherfourteen. Our father, child, married again within the year, and so yousee our acquaintance with the duplicity of men began at a very earlyage. Of course, we refused to live with a stepmother or to allow her tooccupy our own dear mother's house. Left, then, upon our ownresponsibilities at so tender a period of our lives, it behooved us toconduct ourselves with the strictest of propriety, and I am most happyto say that we came triumphantly through the ordeal. Naturally, we beinggreat beauties in those days, my child, great beauties, many gay youngmen fluttered about us, and some of them really made quite favorableimpressions upon us. There was one in particular--"

  Aunt Matilda paused for a sigh and fixed her eyes in sad reminiscenceupon a little clump of ferns that, full of conceit, were wavingincessant salutes at their dainty reflections in the water.

  "Hang the story of her life!" muttered the miserable youth in the pool.His teeth were beginning to chatter.

  "Do go on, aunty!" cried the eager Adnah.

  "Well, child, they were all alike. Having insinuated their way into ourconfidences by agreeable manners and by their really indisputableattractiveness, having aroused the beginnings of tender emotions, whatdid these young men do, one and all? Why, instead of waiting until theacquaintance had ripened into mutual undying affection and then fallinggracefully to their knees with honorable proposals of marriage, they oneand all chose what seemed to be favorable moments and strove, bycajolery or stealth or even force, to kiss us. To _kiss_ us!"

  "Gracious!" exclaimed Adnah.

  There was a moment's silence. The young man in the pool could feel thegoose-flesh pimpling between his shoulder blades.

  "After all, though, it might not have been so very dreadful," finallycommented Adnah, after a thoughtful sigh.

  "Adnah!" cried the horrified Aunt Matilda. "I am astounded!"

  "I can't help it, aunty," said Adnah. "I can't make it seem so terrible,no matter how hard I try. In fact it--it seems to me that it would havebeen--well--rather nice."

  "Adnah!"

  "But, aunty, didn't it ever seem that way to you, sometimes?"

  Aunt Matilda was shocked and silent for a moment, then over her palecheeks crept a pink flush.

  "I'll not deny," she presently confessed in a hesitant voice, "that ifwe had not had each other to rely upon for firmness we might perhapshave been deluded by some of these young scapegraces. They were trulyquite appealing at times. There was one in particular--"

  Again Aunt Matilda became lost in meditation. The young man in the poolswore softly, even though he perceived the tear that trembled upon thelady's eyelash. It was impossible to be sympathetic while a leech wasfastened to his ankle.

  "My mother must have thought the way I do, I am sure," persisted Adnah.The remark brought Aunt Matilda out of the past with a jerk.

  "Your poor mother had the most pitiful experience of all, child," shereplied. "She married. Shortly after you were born, she died,fortunately spared all knowledge of your father's faithless fickleness.Adnah, he, too, married again! You, Adnah, was too young to protectyourself from a stepmother, but we came to your rescue. Your greatuncle, Peter, had just died and left us this fine estate, and here weare, trying to shield you from the wiles of the destroyer, man!"

  "Some men must be nice, or so many, many girls would not want them,"commented Adnah, still unconvinced.

  "I'll not deny, dear, that some of them _seem_ quite nice," admitted theother with a sigh. "There was one in particular--"

  The dogs interrupted at this moment with a racing struggle for some redand brown object.

  "_Now_ what has Castor got?" cried Adnah, jumping up to give chase in ahealthy and delightful burst of speed.

  The youth in the pool dismally realized that Castor had his missingsock, a brown lisle affair with a quaint red pattern in it, at a dollara pair. His teeth were pounding together like castanets, now, so loudlythat he feared Aunt Matilda must surely hear them. Adnah presentlyreturned, flushed rosy red by the exercise and more charming than ever.

  "I couldn't catch them," she panted. "Gracious, but I am warm! There isplenty of time for a plunge before dinner. Just wait, Aunt Mattie, untilI run for the bathing suits," and she flashed away again.

  Great Caesar's ghost! The hidden youth grew so warm with apprehensionthat the goose-flesh disappeared and the chattering of his teethstopped. His dilemma was unspeakable and unsolvable, seemingly, butsuddenly it was solved for him. The dogs came back!

  The sock had been shredded and they sought fresh diversion. After acordially
barked invitation for the young man to come out and play, theywent in after him. There was a tremendous splashing struggle. Suddenlythe willows were pulled down by a muscular bare arm, and the face of ayoung man appeared above it to the astounded gaze of Aunt Matilda.

  "Excuse me, madam," he began, lunging viciously at Castor and Polluxwith his feet. "Please call off your dogs."

  Aunt Matilda, pale but determined, whipped an antiquated monster of apistol from her pocket, though she held it far off from her and to oneside, with no intention, past, present or future, of ever firing it. Itgot its effectiveness from size alone, and was built for pure moralsuasion if ever a pistol was.

  "Hold perfectly still or I shall shoot," she quaveringly warned him."You are a male trespasser, sir!"

  "I sincerely regret it, madam," replied the culprit, slapping viciouslyat the mosquito behind his ear. He got it that time.

  "You probably will," freezingly retorted Aunt Matilda. "I shalltelephone for the sheriff immediately, and if you are still here when hearrives you shall receive the full penalty of the law."

  The young man did some quick thinking. It was necessary.

  "Madam, your dogs have stolen my clothing and my money, and I can notleave until I get them back," he presently declared with luckyinspiration. "If you have me arrested for trespass I shall bring suitfor the recovery of property."

  Aunt Matilda was sufficiently perplexed to lower her pistol and allowhim to explain, while she coaxed the dogs out of the water. He was asplendid talker, and had fine, honest-looking blue eyes.

  There was a rush of swift footsteps among the trees.