Trusting You

by Ketley Allison

  He’s grinning when he spots me. “Ready for some animals?”

  “Sure,” I say, then force an extra bright smile for Lily’s sake. “What kind of animals does New York have to offer, anyway? We’re used to aquariums over here.”

  “Oh, I dunno, pigeons, rats with pizzas…” He grins with his joke. “Just keep your eyes level, and you’ll miss ‘em.”

  “How divine.”

  “I hear this park has a red panda and some llamas.”

  I quirk my brows at that.

  We navigate through the scattered crowds on the sidewalk until we reach the entrance to Prospect Park. From my brief research on my phone, the zoo is on the east side of Prospect Park, a little off Flatbush Avenue where we were walking now.

  “Speaking of fish,” Locke says as we stroll. “We might be in time for the seal feeding.”

  “Oh, yeah?” This time, my enthusiasm is real. “You mean sea lions? Lil loves them.”

  “Yeah, those,” Locke says, laughing a little. “I stand corrected.”

  I’m about to say sorry, then stop. He’s already made clear how much I’ve slung apologies at him. I stay quiet for the rest of the walk, enjoying listening to Lily’s random screeches and one-sided conversations with anyone who walks by and happens to catch her eye. Especially dogs.

  Locke pays admission despite my protest, and we’re through the iron gates and into the park itself.

  As we wander, I enjoy the city feel, exactly what it’s like in the movies. The spiraling walkway in the shade of trees, peppered with benches. No joggers or stragglers are in this section since we paid for entry, but there’s still plenty of families and friends pausing at the cages and pointing.

  We walk past one that’s supposed to be a red panda, but we see nothing.

  “I like this place,” Locke says, “Because it’s a conservation park. These animals aren’t kept here purely for entertainment.”

  “Mainly to catch some zzz’s I’m noticing,” I say.

  A scampering toddler comes too close, and I nearly trip over him. I latch onto Locke’s arm to dart out of the way.

  “Sor—” Nope. I won’t say it.

  I glance over at Locke, and I’m surprised to see he’s staring at me.

  “Keep it there,” he says. “I like it.”

  Heat splashes my cheeks, and it’s not because of the sunlight leaking through the canopy of trees. I want to pull away, to fold my hands and keep pace beside him as he pushes the stroller—but I don’t want to, either.

  I’m comfortable in the crook of his elbow. I can feel each muscle flex and tendon tighten as he redirects Lily’s ride, and I’m happy to stick close, as there are so many kids flitting back and forth, like a swarm of bees with light-up shoes.

  That’s what I tell myself, anyway, as we continue our unhurried trek—my touch still tangled with his.

  The density of children thickens the closer we get to Sea Lion Court. When we enter, it’s like a mini version of a stadium, with a semicircle of seats and a small pool in the middle where the sea lions will play and be fed.

  “Do they do tricks?” I ask Locke as we scout for good seats up front.

  “Maybe a little,” he responds. He unbuckles Lily and tosses her against his chest, leaving the stroller near the entrance. “But this place is more about rehabilitation.”

  I follow behind his back to some seats, and once Locke sits, he balances Lily on his knee. Lily’s kept her bunny, and I swipe the diaper bag from the stroller before we leave it.

  “Do me a favor, save the seat next to you,” Locke tells me. He’s not looking my way.

  I plop the diaper bag in the empty bucket seat beside me.

  “Look—it’s starting,” he says before I can ask who for.

  Soon, I forget all about who’s supposed to be next to me, because I’m fascinated by Lily’s reaction to the sea lions when they come out and how they leap for fish. So much so, her toy bunny dangles by its ears, then plops to the floor as she forgets about it.

  I’m more distracted by Locke’s attention on Lily, how he’s bent his head to her level and points at the animals while jiggling her on his knee, laughing when she laughs, screaming out when she does.

  These two are in their own world, and instead of being jealous of it, I’m…I’m warmed by it.

  This is what Lily deserves. To be with Locke and to never question who her father is, what he might’ve been like. He’s right here, for her.

  Pang.

  For once, the hit isn’t a sorrowful one. Why did Paige want to keep him from Lily?

  Suddenly, the smell of fish, the barks of the sea lions, the crowd of people, and the heat of the day become too bright, too loud. I bend to pick up Lily’s bunny, so we don’t leave it behind. It’s one of the last things Paige bought for her.

  “Sorry I’m late!” a woman calls as I’m stooped over.

  I don’t bother turning. I’m too absorbed in tucking the bunny safely away into the diaper bag, but a waft of subtle perfume hits my nostrils, and I sense someone close. I’m forced to look.

  Bright eyes—same as Lily’s, same as Locke’s—greet mine. “Hi.”

  “Hi,” I respond automatically.

  “You made it,” Locke says over my head, and the woman—in a skirt suit, of all things—tears her attention off me and locks onto the little girl in Locke’s arms.

  “Holy…” she whispers, and it’s as if I tapped a wand to her forehead and told her to unfreeze. “That’s her?”

  Locke laughs. “No, it’s another kid I found in the park and decided to keep instead of my daughter. This one’s cuter.”

  The woman barks out a resounding laugh with a tinge of unsureness. “Wouldn’t put it past you. Can I get closer? I don’t mean to…”

  She glances at me, and I can finally read the intention behind her expression. She doesn’t know who the fuck I am, but I’m in a seat that could bring her closer to her niece.

  “Oh—by all means.” I’m standing, ushering her into my vacated seat.

  “Thanks,” she says to me, but she’s too absorbed in Lily to try and figure out my place in all this, and Locke is too into this woman meeting his daughter to introduce us.

  Locke doesn’t have to exchange names for us, though. I know who she is by her eye color alone. Astor Hayes. Locke’s sister.

  These two have already missed too many crucial months, so I pay deep attention to what’s going on up front, but I can’t help but keep an ear to them, the voyeur part of me wanting to listen to everything they say.

  Maybe I shouldn’t have.

  “Who is she?” Astor whispers to Locke in a way she thinks I can’t hear. One of her fingers is clasped by Lily, one that contains a very sparkly diamond.

  “Her name’s Carter,” he responds in the same tone. He’s hiding his lips in Lily’s hair. “She’s Paige’s best friend, helped raise Lily.”

  “Ah.” But Astor isn’t finished. I watch her sleek brunette head dip closer to Locke’s. “So, what’s she still doing here? I thought rights had been established. There’s no reason for her to—”

  “Shh. Keep your voice down. And yeah, legally she doesn’t have to be here. She’s here because I asked her to.”

  Astor’s navy-clad back stiffens. “Why?”

  “Because she loves Lily and I didn’t want to rip her away the way the courts said I could.”

  “Locke…”

  “My decision, sis. And it’s been fine. Great, actually. So, sit back, enjoy some fish smell and your new niece, and stop questioning my decisions like you always do.”

  “You have to admit, you’ve given me plenty of reason.”

  “That’s in the past. Here. Hold your niece.”

  “I don’t—oh, shit—maybe…”

  Lily’s unceremoniously plopped on Astor, and those almond-shaped eyes of hers turn into full circles as she hovers her hands over Lily’s torso, unsure what to make of the creature.

  “She’s pretty sturdy,” I say w
armly and help position Astor’s hands. “You just need to hold her in a way that can save her from herself.”

  Astor’s lashes flutter up, her stare pinning me. “She’s a bowling pin. She’s going to fall as soon as I tap her.”

  I laugh because the unadulterated, uncomfortable fear in Astor’s face is exactly how I was when Paige pushed a newborn baby burrito in my arms in the hospital. “Not if you maintain a steady grip. Here.”

  I fish through the diaper bag, on the floor at my feet now, and pull out a teething wafer. “Have her gnaw on this, and she’ll be as still as a cat for at least forty-five seconds.”

  Lily nabs the cracker as soon as she sees it, and as predicted, her butt stays perfectly still as she turns the food this way and that before shoving it in.

  Astor’s shoulders relax. “Thank you.”

  This gives Astor the time needed to study the baby in her arms, her gaze feathering across Lily’s lips, to her cheeks, to her lush coat of lashes. Not to mention the frizz ball hair. In those seconds, I see Astor soften, her mouth curve, as she takes in all that she’s related to.

  “Wow, Locke,” she says.

  “Don’t I fuckin’ know it,” he says, before glancing at me and mouthing an apology. “Still learning how not to curse in front of a baby.”

  “Takes practice,” I say. The number of f-bombs I dropped when Lily wouldn’t sleep more than twenty minutes had me sounding like a trucker.

  None of us are watching the sea lions anymore, so when they do their finishing act, it goes unnoticed. Astor makes hand motions for somebody to get the baby, because no way is she standing up with one, and Locke swoops in.

  We navigate back to the stroller, which is magically still there. Not even any wheels are taken off, and my view of Gotham City is once again turned on its head.

  “You going to stay a while?” Locke asks his sister as he straps Lily in.

  “I can’t. Have a huge motion due Monday that’s going to take all weekend to write. But I couldn’t stay away,” she adds. “And I’m so glad I finally got to meet her.”

  “Maybe longer next time,” Locke says and pecks Astor on the cheek. “Say hi to Mike for me.”

  For my benefit, he rolls his eyes.

  Astor smacks him on the arm. “One of these days you’re going to have to accept your future brother-in-law.”

  “Don’t want to; don’t have to.”

  “Stop being such a child.”

  “I’m only as old as you are.” Locke grins, then says to me, “We’re twins if you haven’t noticed.”

  “No, I didn’t,” I say, and am genuinely shocked.

  Astor’s attitude, her gait, her outfit, all scream at me that she’s older. Her eyes alone seem ten years wiser than Locke’s. They lack the spark of humor that Locke’s withstood despite the disappointment in his life. Seem cracked and altered. I wonder what her story is.

  “I’m five minutes older. Obviously,” Astor says to me, and it’s the warmest way she’s included me in their conversation. “It’s nice to meet you, uh…Carter. Can we have you guys over sometime? For dinner? I’d love more time with Lily. That is, Carter, if you’re still here with us…”

  “Astor,” Locke warns.

  “It’s all genuine,” Astor says, flicking a hand at him. “Honestly. You’re invited at any time.”

  “Text me your calendar schedule for the next week,” Locke says dryly. “I’ll see if I can fit us in.”

  “Don’t be an asshole.” She goes in for a hug. “I love you.” She bends down to Lily’s level. “And, oh boy, have you given my heart a run for its money. You’re adorable. I love you, too.”

  I can tell she means it, but it comes off as awkward. Maybe it’s how she hikes her skirt to bend down, or the way she’s balancing in heels. Or how her smile freezes halfway.

  She’s unsure how to deal with this new addition but wants to try.

  Astor stands and waves her last good-bye. As we’re watching her leave, I say to Locke, “I should get back early. I have to meet the manager of the coffee shop about my paintings soon.”

  “Oh.”

  It’s almost physical, the way I sense Locke’s disappointment.

  “Sure,” he says. “Lily and I’ll hang out here for a while. See if we can spot an awake panda bear. Right, Lil?” He peers over the stroller to catch her eye, but she’s too caught up in the pigeons nipping for stray popcorn kernels beside her.

  “Thank you for today,” I say, and like a noob, pat his arm.

  Locke cocks a brow. “No problem.”

  I lick my lips to stifle some awkwardness. “Stop making me feel like a fool. It’s what your sister did to say good-bye.”

  “No, my sister gave me a hug.” Locke waits, and when I don’t respond—or walk away—he adds, “If you want to, you can do that, too.”

  “Hug you?”

  “I promise. No biting. Though I may smell like dead fish.”

  “So do I.” I laugh instead of move because in the span of one second, I’m afraid to hug this man.

  I hug people. I put my arms around my mom and dad, would stick a leg out and trip my brother, then hug him, too. I pulled Paige close all the time, especially during the worst moments, and when Lily came into my life, I had her in my arms more than I set her down.

  So, why did hugging Locke for the first time funnel all that emotion, from each love of my life, into one person?

  Locke reads each flicker of conflict on my face. “You don’t have to,” he says and starts to turn Lily’s stroller. “We’ll see you—”

  I dive at him. Put an arm around his neck and the other around his waist and hold him close and tight.

  Startled, his hands take a moment to wrap around me, but when they do, it’s as if I’m whole.

  He smells delicious, despite his warning otherwise. Soap and laundry detergent. Comfort and beauty. Sturdy and hard, like if I needed to ask him to, he’d never let go.

  For the first time since losing Paige, I don’t feel so alone.

  I bury my face in his neck for a few crucial seconds, then just as abruptly, let him go.

  “I’ll see you at home,” I croak out.

  “Yeah. Home.” Locke’s stunned.

  I nod in the affirmative, then scurry away as fast as my little legs will allow.

  Lily’s happy babbles fade with distance, and with each step farther away, with every inch closer to the exit…

  My heart crumbles a little more.

  14

  Locke

  The hug.

  I’ve had way more than that from women, mostly naked, yet I can’t stop thinking about that brief contact with Carter.

  Never mind the feel of her breasts against my chest, her body molding against mine, the thin slip of her dress separating my hands from hitting soft, bare heat. It’s more than the sexual hit of skin on skin, and it’s precisely that reason I’m still high on it.

  The fucking hug.

  Lily’s quiet on our trip back from the zoo, zoning in and out of sleep as we take the subway and a short stroll home.

  When we turn onto my block, I see a figure near my door, leaning with one knee up against the brick while he scrolls through his phone. By the time I’m half a block away, I’m resigned to listening to what Asher has to say.

  “What’s up,” I say once we’re near enough.

  Asher raises his head and pockets his phone. “I texted but got no reply. Thought I’d wait a while, see if you showed. Hi, sweetie.”

  He bends, giving Lily a wave.

  “Here I am,” I say while digging for my keys. Finding them, I unlock the door and wrestle the stroller in, figuring Ash will follow.

  “Want help?”

  “I got it.”

  “Why are you pissy?” Asher asks as he shuts the door.

  Without asking, he takes the front of Lily’s stroller while I lift the back, and we climb the stairs together.

  “I’m not,” I say.

  “Bullshit.”

&
nbsp; “Whatever you say.” We set Lily’s stroller down at the top, and I go about unstrapping her. Ash eyes the multiple packages framing my doorway, flat rectangles in brown wrapping.

  “What are these?”

  I look up briefly from Lily. “Uh, stuff for Carter looks like. Paintings.”

  “Paintings?”

  “Yeah.” I’m holding Lily and unlock my door with my free hand. “She’s a painter. Artist.”

  “Uh-huh.”

  I set Lily on the floor to crawl around for a bit while I make her a bottle.

  “She’s sure bringing a lot of stuff with her,” Ash says, making himself comfortable on my couch.

  I assume he’s talking about Carter. I head into the kitchen. “She has this idea where she’ll display some of her work at the coffee shop at the end of the block. She’s made friends there. I figure it could be good exposure for her.”

  “While she’s here.”

  It isn’t a question. But I’m busy measuring formula and thinking about Carter’s decision to bring in income. I didn’t have the heart to tell her that artist portfolio money would barely float her in NYC with a roommate, never mind with a kid on top of it. But she seems so determined to pull her weight, or at least feel like she’s doing it. I can pretend to accept her cash then sneak it back into her boxes or bag when she’s not looking.

  “How is this working out for you, anyway?” Ash asks from the main room.

  I swallow a sigh. “Like I told my sister a few hours ago, totally and completely fine.”

  “You saw Astor? I wonder if Ben knows she was in the area.”

  “Don’t remind me.” I shake the bottle, heading back over and handing it to Lily, who accepts it with grabby hands.

  “Fuck, she’s cute,” Asher says.

  “Don’t swear.”

  “Right. Sorry.”

  I’m about to sit by Ash, but since there’s no room on the couch with him on it, I drag a chair over from my table and sit.

  “I’m still trying to accept the idea you’re a dad.”

  “Join the club, man.” I wish I had a beer in hand so I could guzzle the cool liquid for something to do. But I made a promise to Lily when I signed an affidavit saying I wanted her. I’d become the dad she deserves.