Maybe it’s because it’s the first game of the season, maybe it’s because my daughter is here, maybe it’s because I’m sure Deborah is watching us, or maybe it’s all three. Either way, I swing on the first pitch, my bat connects, and the ball soars through the air. I make it to first with a genuine smile, something I don’t do often.
Granny was right. I need baseball.
***
I LEAVE THE courtroom; one of my kids will now be heading off to a juvenile detention center. I’m mad at myself because I hate when I lose a kid. It’s a long shot for him to turn around, but I’ll keep hoping and try even harder once he gets out in six months.
I need an espresso if I’m going to make it through the day. When I look at my watch, I decide I’m not going back to the office today. I have all the files I need and I can do them at home. After I get my drink, I head out the door.
I think about skipping the gym, but I can’t do it. I need my run after the day I’ve had, and I’m hoping I don’t see Trent. I haven’t seen him for the past week because the season has started. I’m glad. Even though I don’t know him, I pray that being back in baseball will help him heal.
When I pull into the gym parking lot, I don’t go in right away. I sit in the car with the windows down, listening to the radio. I always saw myself in a different place than how I grew up, and I'm proud that I've been able to do better. I was dealt a crappy hand, but I’m going to continue to pull through just like I always have.
After I head into the gym and change, I find someone on my regular treadmill. Ugh, all I want to do is run. I find an empty one and jump on. I pop in my earbuds and I’m off. I listen to the music and zone out from my horrible day.
I never want to let my kids down, but I feel like I did. I try to keep on top of their lives the best I can. Is it possible? No, it’s not. However, I do my best and I always wonder what more I could've done to help them. I know what it’s like to have no one care about you. I took care of Dominic the best I could, but I didn’t do a good job either. Maybe I focused too much on me. Maybe I’m selfish because I didn’t want to follow in our mother’s path.
The tears and sweat are burning my eyes, and I can’t finish my run. I slam on the treadmill’s dashboard to shut it off and rush toward the locker room. The gym is nearing closing time and there aren’t many people here. I’m about to reach the locker room when I feel someone tug on my wrist.
“What?” I yell, spinning around and yanking my earbuds out. Good Lord, its Trent.
“I saw you crying, and I wanted to check on you.” I can hear the concern in his voice.
I harshly swipe away the wetness from my face. “I’m fine.”
“Yeah, I say that a lot, too,” he says sadly. “Is there anything I can help you with?”
“I don’t think you would understand what I’m going through,” I snap at him.
He raises his eyebrows at me.
I slap my hand to my forehead. “I don’t mean you wouldn’t understand; it’s just…” I trail off. What am I trying to say?
“I just wanted to make sure you’re okay.” Trent gives me a sad smile and turns away.
“I’m a social worker,” I blurt out. He turns back to me. “I’m a social worker,” I say in a more reasonable tone. “One of my kids got into a lot of trouble, and I feel like I let him down. These kids don’t have anyone else. That is what I was crying about.”
Trent stares at me for a second. “You can’t make people do the right thing. If the kid did something wrong, maybe he’ll be lucky enough to learn his lesson.”
I sigh deeply. “I’m hoping for the same thing.”
We stand in the hall in uncomfortable silence before he finally speaks, “Have a good night, Scarlett.”
“You too, Trent, and good game the other night. I’m sure you’re glad to be back on the field.”
“I am.” I watch his Adam's apple bob up and down. “It’s good to get some normalcy back.”
“And your little girl? How is she?” My heart breaks, thinking of the family portraits they showed in the courtroom.
“She’s doing well. She’s five, and it’s hard to explain that her mom isn’t coming home.” Trent’s voice cracks a bit.
“Um...I’m overstepping here, but it seems to be my middle name here lately. However, I know a great children’s therapist. It might be helpful for her to talk to someone.” I know I did well in therapy when I started going. You don’t realize how much it helps to talk out your problems.
“Thank you for the advice. I might take you up on that offer. Can you French braid too?” he tries to joke.
I tilt my head. “Yes,” I answer in confusion.
“My wife always took care of Kaelyn’s hair, and I’m failing at it.” He shakes his head.
I give him an encouraging smile. “Try YouTube; you’ll be amazed by how many single fathers are out there helping each other.”
Trent’s eyes go wide. “YouTube? I never thought of going there.”
“There are a lot of books too. They might help.”
Trent smiles, a real smile. “Thank you, Scarlett. That’s very helpful.”
“Good.” It is time to leave, Scarlett, run away. “Have a good night.” I spin on my heels and go into the locker room.
It’s Friday night and I’m curled up on the couch with my remote and a glass of wine. I’m flipping through the TV, but there’s nothing on. I’m not even sure why I pay for cable. Nothing is ever on. I stop on a channel when I see Dominic’s face pop up.
The anchor talks about how Dominic’s case had been rushed through the system faster than any case they’ve seen. I roll my eyes. It’s because the District Attorney didn’t want to lose the media attention and the backing of the Memphis citizens’ in their outrage. The Bakers had been a perfect family and Deborah was the picturesque housewife. Once the jury saw the video, it was over and there was no doubt he would be found guilty. It took the jury only one hour to convict him.
We’re all waiting for the sentencing. The anchor reports the date is set for June. Three months away. Dominic’s attorney already told me he wouldn’t see anything less than life in jail.
I know it.
The world knows it.
Now, I have to deal with it.
I usually don’t curl my hair, but tonight, I fluff out my blonde hair with the soft curls in it. I’m not staying home tonight. Macy sent me a text earlier in the day and we are heading out to a wine bar for its grand opening. I pull out my little black dress, which is my only dress, from the far back of my closet and slip on a pair of red heels.
I meet Macy outside the wine bar and she ushers me in. “I’m thirsty and hungry. There better be something to eat.”
I shake my head as we walk into the somewhat crowded bar. Many of the men in the bar turn their heads to look at Macy. Even though Macy and I have similar features, she’s a foot taller than I am, and I am quite envious of her long legs.
“Why are you so hungry?”
“I’ve been trying to finish a deadline, and I forgot to feed myself.” Macy finds two open barstools.
“Do I want to know the story?” I ask.
She gives me a sad smile.
“It’s about Dominic,” I answer for her and wave the bartender down. I order a bottle of red wine because I’m going to need it tonight.
“They set his sentencing date,” she says. “Are you going?”
I shrug. “I went to the trial a couple of times, and we see what good that did.”
“Have you tried to contact him again?”
I shake my head. “I talked to him that one time. He told me he didn’t care, and he asked me to leave.”
As the bartender sits the bottle down and opens it, I think about the last time I spoke to Dominic. He had just been handed the guilty verdict. He didn’t care about what he’d done and didn’t seem to care about what would happen. If I hadn’t known better, I’d have thought he was high still. I’d tried to get him to talk to me, but
like our mother had done, he’d pushed me away.
Over the years, I tried to help, but he only came by for money. It’s my fault all this happened because I could never say no to him. I’d constantly shelled out money, and I knew it had been for drugs and God knows what else.
Good Lord, it is my fault.
“Let’s talk about something fun and exciting.” Macy takes a sip of her wine.
“And what topic would that be?”
“Hell if I know. I work all the damn time.”
I laugh at her. “What do you think I do?”
“We’re pathetic.”
“I’ll toast to that.” I clink my glass with her.
We do end up talking about my job and the rough week I’ve had. As always, Macy tries to tell me it isn’t my fault. However, I’m not sure I believe her. She goes on about the current events she’s covering outside of my brother’s sentencing. Macy is overly enthusiastic as she talks about this country, that warfare, and the government.
I must tune her out eventually until someone says my name. I turn and almost choke on my wine as I find Trent Baker standing next to me. I glance at Macy and her eyes are wide too.
“Trent. Hi. Um...what are you doing here? In the bar, I mean. Not that you can’t be in a bar, but you know what I’m saying.” I hope he does because I have no clue. I’m rambling again because I’m nervous.
“A couple of teammates dragged me out of the house. I thought it was you and I just wanted to say hi and tell you thanks again. Because of you, I was able to French braid my daughter’s hair.”
“Oh, the videos worked, then? Outstanding. No thanks needed; I’m glad my little bit of advice could help.” I quickly notice Macy is staring at me. “This is my friend, Macy. She works with the Memphis Daily News. Macy, this is Trent.” I don’t think she will, but I pray she doesn’t rat me out.
“Nice to meet you, Macy. I guess I should leave you two alone now. It was nice seeing you again, Scarlett.”
“Yes. It’s nice to see you too. I’m glad it’s working out.”
Trent nods and walks away. I chug the rest of my wine as Macy stares me down.
“Care to explain?” she asks.
I look around to make sure he isn’t standing close by, and I lean closer to her. “We go to the same gym. I didn’t realize it until the trial. With everything happening, I felt horrible. I went up to him the other day and apologized to him. I thought he knew who I was, but he doesn’t know.”
“Are you telling me Trent Baker doesn’t know you are the half-sister of his wife’s murderer?”
I drop my head into my hand and nod.
“So, what’s with the French braiding?”
I sigh and look at her. “I was upset yesterday, and he was kind enough to check on me. We started talking, and I told him to check out YouTube to help style his daughter’s hair.”
“The daughter who’s motherless because of your half-brother,” she deadpans.
“Look,” I growl. “I know, and it’s not what you think. I felt bad and I wanted to do something or at least say something to him.”
“Scarlett, I love you deeply, but you can’t let this go any further.” She narrows her eyes.
“Where would it go?” I’m confused.
“I mean it. Don’t get attached to him or anything else.”
“What?” I gasp. “Have you lost your ever-loving mind? I would never. His wife was just...she just died.” I couldn’t bring myself to say murdered.
“Please remember it, too.” She fills our glasses with the last bit of wine.
Never would I cross the line with Trent. I don’t even want to be around him. I only wanted to say how sorry I had been and nothing more.
***
JORDAN AND COLBY are talking about something, I’m not sure what because I tuned them out a minute ago. I glance around the room at all the people here. All look to be in some state of happiness. Some are laughing, some are smiling, and some are flirting. For a brief moment, I think about Scarlett since I don’t see her at the table anymore. I don’t even know why I’m here; I’d rather be at home.
I feel out of place because I know I don’t fit in with these obviously happy people. Plus, there’s the guilt at being here with friends and not at home with Kaelyn. I’m away so much as it is and, without Deborah, I don’t want Kaelyn to be without me more than she has to be. My gaze falls to my hands, resting on the tabletop, and the light reflects off my wedding band.
Deborah would have loved this place. She would have enjoyed the night out with me, to be able to have time to ourselves. Instead, I’m here without her. Our time together was supposed to last longer.
Fingers snap twice and I blink, turning to look at Jordan. I’ve obviously missed something.
“I think I’m heading home,” I say before he can catch me up on whatever it was I missed while I absentmindedly twist my wedding ring.
“We’ve only been here an hour. Are you sure?”
“Yeah. Maybe we’ll have better luck next time.”
They nod in understanding and I get the hell out of there. The drive home seems to take forever. When I do get home, Granny frowns when I walk inside.
“You’re back early.”
“I know you said it would be good for me, but I was ready to come back. Where’s Kaelyn?”
“She’s in her room; she just fell asleep.” She doesn’t say anything else until I sit down on the couch next to her. “You don’t need to feel guilty,” she whispers. “It’ll get easier.”
I squeeze my eyes closed as I lean my head back. I don’t want to know that it’ll get easier to be without my wife, for my daughter to be without her mom. The thought that Kaelyn’s memories will fade and won’t be as strong as they are now breaks my heart. Me reminding her about Deborah isn’t the same.
“It’s late.” Not really. “I’m going to bed. Thanks, Granny.” I walk her to the door and kiss her cheek goodbye. I stop by Kaelyn’s room, quietly pushing her door open and stepping inside. Kneeling by her bed, I push her wild hair out of her face. Even though I’m careful, her eyes flutter open.
“Daddy?” she mumbles.
“I just came to say good night.” After kissing her forehead, I add, “Go back to sleep.”
Her eyes are already closing, which is my cue to leave. Kaelyn looks so much like her mother; it’s unbelievable. I don’t think she got anything from me except genes that don’t show. When I get to my room, I change my clothes. Deborah’s jewelry box sits on top, the door open just like she left it. The open closet door shows her clothes still hanging nice and orderly in the closet, just the way she liked it.
Granny has mentioned before that she thinks it’s time to go through her things, but I can’t do it. Not only because I’m not ready, but because part of me thinks if I get rid of her things, this won’t feel like home anymore, not to me or Kaelyn. Standing in front of her clothes, I rake my gaze over each hanger. Looking is unnecessary because I’ve memorized it by now.
I grab one of her favorite scarves hanging on the back of the door and sit on the bed, rubbing my thumbs over the fabric. The thought of never seeing that extra bright smile she always had whenever wearing this scarf nearly breaks me down. God, I miss her.
Sometimes, like today, I wonder if I’m strong enough to do this; to be without her, to raise Kaelyn without her. I was living in Deborah’s world, so what the hell am I supposed to do when she’s not in it? She was everything to me. Now, my everything is gone, taken without a goodbye.
I bury my face in my hands, feeling the soft material against my face as if it can somehow give me strength. The faint, barely there scent of her perfume brings tears and sends me back in time to when I first met her. She was in a hurry. Rain was pouring down, the water sounding louder thanks to the tin roof of the breezeway.
We’d attended the same college, but it was big enough that I hadn’t seen her before that semester when our paths crossed every Tuesday and Thursday at two o’clock as we walked
in opposite directions. She was walking quickly, but what caught my attention the most that particular day was something I hadn’t seen before in our short history.
She was upset. I couldn’t tell if she was angry, sad, or both. For some reason, it seemed like the best time to approach her. I stepped directly into her path at the last second so she’d run into me instead of having a chance to maneuver around me.
“Are you okay?” I asked.
Deborah blinked in confusion, and I knew she was trying to see if she actually knew me or not.
“I’m Trent.”
“Deborah. Thanks for running into me, Trent.” Her tone was sarcastic. She shook her head and took a step away from me, the wind blowing just right so that I could smell her perfume.
“Sorry. I’ve walked passed you all semester and it was the only thing I could think of to make you stop for a second.” She raised her brows at me, a move I later realized she did particularly when she thought she was hearing a load of bullshit. “I probably should’ve picked a day when you didn’t look upset, but then I wanted to see if you were okay.”
Before she could reply, a guy called out her name. That upset look came back as she sighed.
“Thanks a lot, Trent,” she mumbled right before the guy approached her and immediately started apologizing, begging for forgiveness.
I quietly left her and continued to class. She was taken. It was just over a month later when she called out my name when she saw me on the breezeway. The boyfriend was now an ex, and I promptly asked her out. We’ve been together ever since.
Until now, of course.
Lifting my head, I wipe my eyes and stand to place the scarf back in its place. What am I supposed to do now?
“Daddy?”
I quickly turn around to see Kaelyn, the stuffed animal bunny clutched tightly in her hands. “What’s the matter with my girl?” I move over to pick her up.
Trent Page 2
