“I had a nightmare, and I’m scared.”
“How about you sleep in here with me tonight? Will that make you feel better?”
She nods. I carry her over to the bed and get her tucked in before taking my place on my side. Kaelyn scoots over to cuddle against me.
“I miss Mommy.”
“Me too, sweet pea,” I whisper, using the endearment Deborah always called her.
“I don’t want her to be in heaven. I want Mommy here.” Kaelyn begins to cry, and I hold her tight.
“Mommy wishes she could be here too because she loves you so much, but she’s in heaven watching you and keeping you safe from those monsters in your nightmares, okay? She’s always watching you.”
My words don’t soothe her and I hold her until she cries herself to sleep.
Kaelyn’s been cranky for two days, which has made me cranky. Practice is a much-welcomed timeout for me. It’s always good to work the muscles and body as hard as possible. And then, after that, it’s good to head to the training room to work out some more.
Since Deborah’s death, I haven’t exactly been the best teammate. Sure, I’ll let them get me out of the house and such, but I haven’t voluntarily been social either. During our team stretches, which Spencer leads, I realize I miss it. Everyone seems to be joking and ribbing one another, laughing and seemingly carefree, and I’m a bit invisible. I can’t blame them for giving me space when I’ve made it obvious it was what I wanted, but for just a moment, I don’t feel like part of the team.
I need to make more of an effort. My head needs to be on straight if I’m going to do well this season. It feels harsh to think about needing to tie up my guilt with Deborah for the sake of a game though. I tune out their laughter, closing in on myself, the exact opposite of what I need to do. There will be time to go back to being one of the guys. Today isn’t the day.
Spencer finishes up our stretches and we head to the locker room. Reporters have been good about being respectful and asking questions that haven’t been too invasive concerning Deborah’s murder and the aftermath. There’s one guy though who manages to piss me off every other encounter it seems like. Today, I’m hoping I can go one day without one of them asking me about it, just so they can share my turmoil with the world.
Don’t get me wrong, the support of the fans has been amazing, but this guy just gets under my skin.
“Did you know that Dominic Davis has a date for sentencing? What are you hoping he’ll get? Some people are able to forgive the criminals. Have you?”
I stare at him. He can’t be serious. I begin speaking before I even think about what I’m saying. “You want to know if I’ve forgiven the man who killed my wife and is the reason I have to hold my daughter while she cries herself to sleep because her mom isn’t ever coming back and she doesn’t understand why? What the hell kind of question is that?”
“So, Katie isn’t handling it well?”
My mouth parts as rage sweeps over me. All he wants is a story to sell. What makes it worse is that he doesn’t have enough decency to know my daughter’s name.
“Okay.” Hector appears out of nowhere and grabs the guy by the shoulders to turn him away from me. “Time for you to go.” He ushers the guy out of the locker room.
“Thanks,” I tell him when he comes back.
“Any time.” He slaps me on the shoulder and leaves it at that.
Today sucks. As usual, I’m reminded that I can’t go home and talk about my day with my wife.
***
SITTING IN THE small coffee shop, I’m celebrating a good day with a muffin and a large coffee. It’s days like this that I love my job. Seeing a child going to a good home and then being adopted is an emotion I can’t explain to anyone. Elation might be a good description.
I open my tablet and check my emails. I need to be back in court in an hour for another adoption hearing. I’m happy when they do adoption days. It’s a happy buzz for everyone. Not only me, the parents, and the child, but even the judges smile when they tell everyone they now are a family.
I’m not paying attention to anything until someone sits down at my table. When I look up, my eyes are wide with shock.
Trent.
“Hi,” is the only word I can get out.
“Hope you don’t mind me taking this spot; everywhere else is full.”
I look around and the coffee shop is packed. “I don’t mind at all. How are you?”
He shrugs. “Okay, I guess.”
I don’t know what to say. “Um...why are you on this side of town?”
“I was at the DA’s office. He—” Trent stops and clears his throat. “He wants me to speak at the sentencing.”
My heart thumps loudly in my chest. “Are you?”
Trent takes a sip of his coffee. “Probably. I just don’t know what to say. Seriously, what do you say to the man who killed your wife? Every time I think about it, I just want to kill him.”
I look away from him. I hate what he says, only because I want to kill Dominic, too. There was no reason for him to kill Deborah.
“Sorry. I didn’t mean to blather like that,” Trent speaks.
“What?” I turn back to him. “No, you’re fine. I understand. Heck, even I want to kill some of the parents I deal with, especially when the kids are near death. Trust me, I know where you’re coming from with that emotion.”
“May I ask why you’re here?”
I smile brightly, glad for the subject change. “It’s adoption day. Four of my kids are being adopted.”
“Wow, sound awesome.” His face lights up a bit.
“I had two this morning, a brother and sister. A great family took them and I couldn’t be happier. I have two more this afternoon.”
“It must be a great feeling.” Trent grins at me.
“Indescribable. I take these kids from drugged out, worthless parents who see them as nothing but skin and bones. Then I find them a home and watch them thrive into normal children with clean clothes and food. It’s awe-inspiring to watch them grow. When they get adopted, it’s almost like they’re reborn in a way, you know.”
Trent is still smiling at me.
“Sorry, I tend to ramble.” My cheeks heat up.
“No, it’s not that. It’s nice to see someone who loves their job and helps a lot of people. It’s great.”
When I look into his brown eyes, I can see the deep sadness in them. A loss no one will ever be able to replace. It breaks my heart to know that someone I knew took the light from him. It rips at my soul to know it was my brother.
“I need to get going,” I rush out the words and shove my tablet into my bag. “I have to get back to the courtroom.” I turn and look at him. “It’s nice seeing you, Trent.”
“Doesn’t it seem like we keep running into each other?”
I stop shuffling around at his question. “It does.” There’s a pause between us and I don’t know what else to say or do. We’re not supposed to be seeing each other all around town. All I wanted way to apologize and never see him again. Nothing more and nothing less.
“Well, see you around then, Scarlett.”
I nod and almost run out the door.
At the end of my amazing day, I head back to the office and finish up a few reports and grab more files. Tomorrow is my home visits and I have a love-hate relationship with them. I’m trying to decide if I should go to the gym or not. I need to run, but I don’t want to see Trent again. Macy’s right; I can’t get attached to him.
The sorrow I feel for him is because of what Dominic did. He and I didn’t have childhoods we want to remember. Most of my time in therapy was to help move on from my past. I worked hard to stay off the streets and away from drugs. Having no friends made it easier. Dominic was different. He was smart and funny, which made him a lot of friends. I thought we had been doing well for a while, but I don’t know what happened. Soon, he became withdrawn and the drugs became worse.
When I came home a couple of times during col
lege, I saw how bad it really was for him. I tried to help, but it never worked. Now, look at where he is. No matter how many times I tried to help him, he always refused, yet I kept giving him money because I didn’t want him to rob anyone for it, or hurt himself.
This is my partially fault.
A husband lost his soulmate and a daughter lost her mother because I didn’t give him enough money. To this day, no one knows where the gun came from. No one knows why he shot her. She gave him the purse; there was no reason for him to do it. The doctors at the hospital diagnosed Dominic with all sorts of mental illnesses and his long abuse of drugs certainly didn’t help, but it’s not an excuse. He could have changed.
When I walk into my house, I make sure all the doors are locked. I know Dominic is in jail now, but I’ve always kept them locked so he wouldn’t break in and rob me. He’s my brother, but I know what drugs do. Look what he did because of it.
I toss my things in the living room chair and collapse onto the couch in tears. I cry for Dominic, Deborah, Trent’s daughter, and Trent. I even cry for me. The helplessness and loneliness I feel is because I can’t fix this problem and I don’t know what I’m doing.
“When was your last date?” Macy asks. We’re meeting up for a quick lunch. She has to do a couple interviews downtown, and I finished my home visits early.
“Good Lord, it’s been a year.” I’m almost shocked at how time flies by. “I didn’t realize it’s been so long.” I take a bite of my sandwich.
“So, why don’t you at least try this guy out?”
“He isn’t a pair of shoes, Macy.” I roll my eyes at her.
“Just go out with him. If the date sucks, let’s hope you at least get a nice dinner out of it.” She giggles.
“Fine.” I give in to her too quickly, but there’s no point in arguing. Going out shouldn’t be a big deal anyway. Instead of staying home and feeling sorry for myself, I need to interact with adults and have a life.
Right now, I’m surrounded by sadness: the heartbreak of taking children from homes, seeing their horrible parents, trying to get them adopted and/or saved from the system, and let’s not forget my murderous brother. I need happiness. I need some light in all of this darkness around me.
I think of Trent. He is consumed with darkness too. I hope he finds light soon. He deserves it. He seems like such a nice guy. I’m sure eventually he’ll find someone outstanding for him and his daughter.
Macy continues going on about the guy and gives me his number. I debate for the rest of the day and even into the evening how I should approach this. It’s been awhile since I’ve asked a guy out and even though this is somewhat arranged, it still can be nerve-racking.
I pick up my cell phone and decide maybe a text would be better. Just in case he’s a royal jerk and Macy’s trying to be nice about it. I hate ‘pity’ dates.
After a few back and forth texts, Nathaniel and I agree to see each other on Friday night. He told me where to meet him and doesn’t seem like a huge asshat. Now, I have a date and I’m going to focus on getting my life back to a good point. I have to do this for me. I have to leave my past behind.
***
IT’S FRIDAY AND with an afternoon free, I tell Granny I’ll pick Kaelyn up from school. Since my schedule can be hectic and Kaelyn was often with Deborah 24/7, I decided the best way to allow her to have a day to herself and give me some time with Kaelyn was to have daddy/daughter play dates. I have kept up the tradition to give Granny her time as well.
We go to the park, to the movies, go shopping, whatever Kaelyn wants to do. The only constant is that we always go for ice cream afterward. The line of cars of parents picking up their children is ridiculously long. I bypass them to park. They have the kids standing in groups based on their grade, and the kindergarteners are the farthest from me, of course.
It doesn’t matter though because once Kaelyn sees me, she starts running.
“Daddy!” She leaps into my ready arms with a huge smile. “I thought Granny was coming.”
“I decided to surprise you.” I cross while the cars are stopped. “How was school?”
She shrugs her shoulders. “Same old, same old.”
I laugh. “Same old, same old, huh?”
Kaelyn grins. “That’s what Granny says sometimes when you ask about her day.”
After getting her settled in the car and getting in myself, I look in the backseat. “Well, I was thinking today seemed like the perfect time for a daddy/daughter play date. What do you think?”
“Yes!” she shouts. “Let’s go shopping. Please, Daddy?”
“Shopping and ice cream is the plan.”
Kaelyn is officially excited and begins to recount her entire day in great detail while I drive to our first stop, a toy store. Every shopping trip can only result in five items at the most. Kaelyn holds my hand as we walk down every aisle. She has to see everything before she can make a decision.
“We need more crayons and markers,” she says with decisiveness when we reach the arts and crafts section.
“You already have plenty.”
“But we need more. Oh! What about paint? We haven’t painted before.”
Paint sounds messy. But Kaelyn looks up at me with hopeful eyes, and I nod. “Paint sounds like fun.” We pick out the colors she wants and then we need brushes and paper. “Is this all you want from here?”
She nods. “Can I have a new dress, Daddy?”
“If that’s what you want.”
She starts dragging me to the checkout, so we can go shopping for a new dress, which also means new shoes of course. That will make her reach her limit. We visit three stores before she finds any dresses she even likes.
“You’re just like Mommy, you know that,” I tell her as we flip through dresses on a rack. “She liked shopping for a long time, too.”
Kaelyn smiles. “It has to be perfect,” she echoes what her mother used to say when we went shopping. It didn’t matter what it was, a gift, clothes, or anything else; Deborah would also say that when I mentioned how long we had been shopping.
I force a grin. “That’s right. Which one of these dresses is the perfect dress?” I hold up the three she’s given me.
“I have to try them on first!” She laughs. “Mommy says you always have to try it on.”
“Yes, she did and Mommy was always right. Let’s go then.”
She slips her hand in mine and we make our way to the fitting room. The perfect dress ends up being yellow, covered with flowers. Kaelyn quickly finds shoes and then we are done shopping.
“We need dinner before we can have ice cream,” I tell her when we get back to the car. Plus, it’s dinnertime already. “What do you want, Kaelyn?”
“You can pick.”
“All right. How does pizza sound?”
“Yummy! I’m starving. I think I need one pizza just for me.”
I laugh, glancing at her in the rearview mirror. “You must be really hungry then.”
She goes on and on about how much pizza she’s going to eat until we arrive at our favorite pizza place. We find us a booth and order a large pepperoni pizza. It is a crime to put anything else on it, according to Kaelyn and Deborah. For all her talk, I’m actually impressed when she says she wants another slice.
“Are you going to save any room for ice cream?”
“Hm. I’ll wait. If I’m still hungry after ice cream, do I get to have more pizza?”
“Of course.”
I pay our bill, get a to-go box, and then we’re off to the ice cream parlor, which looks to be the place to be tonight. The line is rather long and the place is crowded. I pick Kaelyn up, so she can see the pictures on the menu on the wall better.
“I want to try something new.”
“Really?” I ask.
“Maybe. That one? It’s green.” She points to the pistachio ice cream. “Or the blue one.” This time, it’s cotton candy. “Which one do you think, Daddy?” Kaelyn looks at me expectantly.
�
��I think you’ll like the blue one better, but you can taste the green one if you want.”
The line moves forward as the bell signaling the door opening sounds. I glance over my shoulder, surprised to see Scarlett and a man step in line behind us.
“Can we?” Kaelyn asks, poking my chest to get my attention.
“Can we what?”
“Watch Cinderella tonight? Please, please, please?”
“Yeah, we’ll watch the movie when we get home.”
Kaelyn squeals and hugs me tightly around my neck. Watching her favorite movie has her more excited than she’s been all day. Now that I’ve answered Kaelyn’s pressing question, I turn to say hi to Scarlett, not wanting to be rude by not speaking to her since I’ve obviously seen her.
“Hey, Scarlett. We meet again, it seems.” It’s odd how I keep running into her.
“Trent. Wow. Hi. How are you?” She seems just as surprised as I am to see her.
“Good. Just on a daddy/daughter play date. How are you?”
“I’m well.”
“Our turn,” Kaelyn says.
We move up and I ask if she can try the green and blue ice cream. I try not to laugh when she tastes the pistachio, immediately makes a face, and says, “Yuck! Not that one.” Cotton candy is the winner for her and I get cookies and cream for myself.
“Do you want sprinkles?”
“And gummy bears!”
I set her back down on her feet, hand her the ice cream, and pay. Before we go find a table, I tell Scarlett it was nice seeing her again. Kaelyn quickly recaptures my attention, so we find a seat. Shopping, pizza, ice cream, and Cinderella are all parts of a great day with my daughter.
***
MY DATE WITH Nathaniel has been good. There haven’t been too many instances of uncomfortable silence and I enjoyed dinner. Seeing Trent with his beautiful daughter throws me for a moment. He is the last person I want to see. He’s the one I’m trying to stay away from the most, but he and I keep running into each other. When Nathaniel drops me off, it’s a simple kiss on the cheek he leaves me with. Sweet, simple, and a good time is exactly what I needed.
Trent Page 3
