Angels of Humility: A Novel

by Jackie Macgirvin

  “Oh, Paul,” said Jesus, rocking him from side to side, “I had such a great destiny planned, such a great calling for your life. You’re here so early. But oh, Paul, I love you.”

  He felt waves of unconditional love and glory washing over him.

  “I had so much ahead for you, but you didn’t listen to Me. You felt My promptings. You heard My voice,” said Jesus as the tears rolled down His face.

  When Paul saw the Lord’s tears, he was crushed again; more waves of shame and grief overwhelmed him. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry,” he sobbed repeatedly. “I’m sorry. Can I go back? Can I do it again?”

  “No, it’s too late Paul. Your earthly life is over.” The finality in Jesus’ voice wreaked anguish in Paul’s heart.

  “You can send me back; just raise me from the dead.”

  “Paul, I’m sorry. Your sinful choices overruled My perfect plan, and your choice is final. Your life on earth is really over. You made room for the enemy to enter. It’s a tragedy for you, for My Father’s Kingdom, for Me and for those on earth who love you. This was not Our plan.”

  Paul fell to the Lord’s feet sobbing and frantic. With great tenderness Jesus picked him up and embraced him again.

  “You freely, willfully chose to operate outside of My Father’s will. We had many more years and a great, great destiny for you.” At those words, pictures flitted through Paul’s mind, pictures of him leading someone to the Lord, pictures of him laying hands on the sick and seeing them recover, pictures of him working with the prisoners.

  With His eyes full of love, Jesus took Paul by the hand and led him to a golden altar.

  “Now it’s time for your evaluation.”

  With tears in his eyes, Saldu brought out a plain looking, cloth-bound book with Paul’s name on the spine and set it on the altar.

  “Paul, here is your life’s offering to the Lord from your time on earth. These pages recorded your life and the pages will play back your life. You will be evaluated and rewarded based on your daily acts. We’ll start with the most joyful day of your life for us,” says Saldu opening the book. The page is like a movie, and Paul watched as his college friend led him to the Lord.

  “We all rejoiced,” said Jesus with a smile. “All the angels rejoiced and especially you, remember Saldu?”

  “I could never forget, Lord,” he said, smiling through his tears.

  Saldu turned the next page, revealing Paul’s initial joy over his salvation. Soon he was winning his friends to the Lord through his clumsy witnessing attempts.

  “Could you sense the Holy Spirit with you in those early days?” asked Jesus with a smile. “You were so successful in the beginning because you didn’t care what anyone thought. You felt the joy of your salvation; you emptied yourself and just let the Holy Spirit lead you. We were all cheering you on when you left tracts around town or tried to witness to your waitress.”

  “Here’s the chapter on Kathy,” said Saldu, beaming. “Look more closely at the page.” With his spiritual eyes now open, Paul looked deeper into the page. It was his wedding day! Paul smiled when he saw Saldu and Valoe on the platform like members of the wedding party. Feelings of romance and love for his wife flooded over Paul. He felt the tenderness of his emotions he felt for her that day. Then he remembered his cruel argument and the final ugly comment. “I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry, Kathy, that I didn’t love you better. You were a wonderful wife and mother,” he sobs.

  He looked deeper into the page and saw two grim-faced police officers knocking on the parsonage door. “Kathy. Oh Kathy, I’m so sorry.” He turned to the Lord and frantically cried out, “Oh, please can you spare her this moment? PLEASE!”

  “I’m sorry, Paul. It’s going on right now. I can’t spare her, but I will comfort her.” Dry heaves drove him to the ground. With so much regret bombarding him, he wished he could go insane or just cease to exist, anything to stop the all-consuming agony. Jesus helped him up and put His arm around Paul to support him. “I can’t believe my choices hurt so many other people.”

  He sobbed again. “I’m so sorry, Kathy; I’m so sorry.” The intensity of regret and the indescribable agony he felt would have killed a human body.

  With great tenderness in His voice Jesus said, “This will be an extremely painful trial for Kathy, but she knows how to come to Me with her needs. When Sarah finds out about your death, she’ll double the prayers she already prays for her, and Kathy will find comfort in her distress. I’ve already dispatched two additional angels who are with her now. I will give her the ability to see things from My perspective, not to be stuck forever in the despair of a worldly view. Valoe will teach her how to wield the sword of the Spirit to defeat the enemy’s attacks that will tell her I took you out early. She will wear the armor of a warrior princess. Later, I’ll bring a husband into her life. She will love again.”

  Paul has never felt such gratitude, “Oh, thank You, thank You, Lord, for taking care of her.” He couldn’t bear to look back at the book as Kathy opens the door.

  Saldu flipped the page—Paul’s preparation at seminary.

  “This is where trouble began,” said Jesus, His brow furrowed and His voice disturbed. “Here is where you lost your first love. You traded My simple truth for intellectual success at the halls of academia. You stopped following My will and started striking out on your own. Here, we call that defiant, disloyal, and sinful.

  “You looked to the professors for affirmation, trying to fill that ache for a father figure. Your focus switched from contentment at being the son I adored, to trying to take on the role as their son. To please them you entertained their watered-down Gospel, which was a form of religion with no power—a false gospel.

  “Graduation day was all about you and your plans for future accomplishments. By then you’d stopped asking for My guidance and you stepped out on your own. Finding prestige through church employment became your idol. Humility was far from you.”

  A somber-faced Saldu turned the next page—the interim position at Bradbury.

  “I did lead you here to Bradbury, Paul. Being interim pastor was the next temporary step in My plan for you. But you were so busy planning to have large crowds at your church that you overlooked the needs of the people who were already there. They had wounds that needed to be healed; they were not just numbers to be counted. Why did you want so many more when you weren’t shepherding the people I gave you?

  “Simple acts of kindness, in My name, performed on a daily basis are what I expect of all My people. As a pastor, My ambassador, My representative to the earth, you should have set the example above everyone else. Let’s look at the opportunities you missed during just one day in your life.”

  Paul stared at the page. Driving to the church that morning, he passed a lady standing beside her car looking at her flat tire.

  “This is Tanya Albertson. I had you leave the house 30 minutes early so you would be there when she needed you. She’d been wounded by some Christians at youth camp. She’d harbored a grudge against Me for 30 years. You were supposed to stop and change her tire. That act of kindness was going to challenge her deception. She would have eventually visited the church and rededicated her life, but you just drove by. Now look deeper into the page.”

  Paul stared and another picture came into view. He was snapping at his secretary, Veronica, for not having his letter ready to mail to everyone in the database.

  He was filled with regret and embarrassment as he watched himself throwing a fit, acting like a five-year-old.

  “You knew that Veronica’s mother was in the hospital, and she was already emotionally distraught. You had even given her permission to cut her work hours that week. Not only did you miss the opportunity to be a blessing by comforting her during this traumatic time, you heaped anxiety and condemnation on top of her. You didn’t even visit her mother in the hospital. Worst of all, you said you’d pray and you didn’t. Later, you even demanded that she lie for you by telling one of the older church members t
hat you’d already left.” Paul watched as he stormed off to his office, and he saw her break down in tears as soon as he was gone.

  He looked deeper into the page. He was listening to one of the church members pouring out his heart about how his marriage was unraveling and his wife was ready to leave. Paul was shaking his head, acting sympathetic, but he was looking past the man to the clock on the wall.

  “Joe had waited two weeks to get this appointment with you. It took all his courage to admit that he’d made a mess of his marriage. You were his last hope. But Mike had called and invited you to lunch right before Joe arrived. You spent the whole time trying to wrap up the session quickly because you wanted to be with Mike. He was on the search committee that would pick the new pastor. You know that Joe’s wife left the next week?” Paul nodded.

  The page changed again. Kathy was at home preparing dinner. I wonder what time he’ll be home tonight? You’d think at least he could call when he’s going to be late.

  She put some aluminum foil over the pan of lasagna and put it back in the oven to stay warm and then put the salad back in the fridge. She sat in the chair by the fireplace and prayed, “Lord, I’m so lonely. Will You help us to have a nice evening together? I feel so disconnected.” Tears welled in her eyes, “I feel like the church has become Paul’s mistress, like it’s my competition, and I’m losing miserably. Lord, will You let him hear me. God, I need to feel like I’m heard. I need to feel like he at least values my opinions a little.” She heard the car door slam and ran to get dinner on the table.

  “Look what happened here, Paul. Listen to how you talked about the church and your day, but you didn’t ask about hers. Right here she tried to share something with you that’s meaningful to her, but you weren’t interested.”

  After a little chit-chat Kathy said, “I’ve been doing this great study on pride and humility, and I’d like to share it.”

  “Sure hon, you can start a ladies group any time you like.” Paul didn’t bother to look up from his plate.

  “No, I didn’t mean an on-going ladies study; we already have one of those. I thought maybe I could share it some Sunday morning.”

  He put his fork down and stared at her. “You want to preach a sermon—from the pulpit? You’ve never preached before, and don’t you think that’s a little theologically heavy for someone who doesn’t have formal training?” Besides, he thought, I’m the one with the Master’s in Divinity.

  “Paul, not only did you keep her from delivering her message, you criticized and belittled her. Kathy had been studying diligently, and the Holy Spirit opened up the Scriptures to her. She not only had My Word for the church, but she had the words of life that you desperately needed to hear. Ironically she was your guide back on the straight and narrow path. If you had listened to her, you wouldn’t be here now.”

  “I betrayed her and belittled her in so many ways. She always hung in there and encouraged me toward the right path. I needed her teaching more than anyone. Help me. I’m so sorry. Help me.” His depth of regret was unfathomable.

  “Paul, this was just one day. You had thousands and thousands of daily opportunities to give a cup of cold water in My name,5 but you were focused on yourself. You were too shackled by pride to notice anyone else’s needs. I wanted to give you good gifts and promote you. I wanted to give you spiritual gifts to touch and heal other people, but I couldn’t trust you. Your pride would have caused you to take credit for every good gift I gave you.”

  Paul hung his head and began sobbing again. Everything was so clear now. Why hadn’t he had his priorities straight on earth? “Why was I so rebellious? I had to do everything my way.” His new, perfect body felt totally healthy, but inside his mind the pain was so intense that he couldn’t endure it, yet he couldn’t escape it. He longed for one more chance. He longed for death. Neither would come.

  The next page was the proposal for the jail in Bradbury. “Paul, you didn’t even pray to see if it was My will. You just went with the flow and even tried to manipulate the situation for your advantage. It wasn’t a spiritual decision for you; it was strictly political because you perceived it could benefit you. If you would have followed My leading, the church would have changed their opinion too. I planned for you and the church to advocate the plan for the jail. You would have all been in unity. Instead, Sarah was severely persecuted for carrying the whole plan herself, which was never My will for her. Yet she faithfully endured.

  “You even used your spiritual position to manipulate Sarah, and you have no idea how much confusion and pain you caused her. As a teacher you will be judged more strictly because you misused your position and your power. You had potential to use it for good, but you used it to your benefit. If you’re not with Me you’re against Me.”6

  Paul hung his head again. “I misjudged Sarah. I said and thought terrible things about her. Forgive me; please forgive me. I should have helped disciple her, but she was the more spiritual one.”

  Saldu turned the next page, which showed Paul, elated on the day he was voted in as pastor. Paul had spent hours thinking and stressing over the vote, but he suddenly realized that he hadn’t even prayed to see if he should accept the position. “I just reveled in the fact that they wanted me.”

  Saldu flipped the rest of the pages, revealing wasted opportunity after wasted opportunity fueled by his manipulation, gossip, criticism, jealousy, and rebellion. Paul wept and wept as he watched. He saw countless daily opportunities that he missed. He saw that many of his decisions were fueled by demonic influences.

  How could I have been so blind? I was so disobedient, but I thought I was so spiritual.

  “Living in pride is like living in a room with no lights or windows. You can’t function in any meaningful way, but you don’t realize it. You just get used to it, and it makes you spiritually blind and deaf. Pride opposes truth every time, but humility draws you near to the truth and the cross.7 You stopped embracing the cross, Paul.”

  The next to the last page was the fight he had with Kathy. He was shocked at his ugliness toward her. “I was so cruel to her, and she was the one who was hearing well.” He put his hands over his ears in a failed attempt to drown out his last profane words shouted at her. Deep, inexpressible remorse bore down on him. “I never got to apologize,” he sobbed. “I really didn’t mean it. I love her. She was right, and I was wrong….” He watched Saldu plunge the tip of the sword into the street between him and the bar at Mt. Peilor. “It’s the flaming sword of the Lord, Paul, to divide between what is and isn’t Him in your life. Don’t walk out of its protective boundary. I can’t help you if you do.” He heard the demon’s twisted manipulation and his final decision, Yeah, what can one drink hurt? I can get back on the straight and narrow tomorrow.

  The last page was the car ride. This time Paul was watching the scene from the outside. He could see the holy brilliance shining from Saldu. He heard the eerie sound of shattering glass and twisting metal as the car rolled over. He shuttered. I never thought I’d throw my life away as a drunk driver.

  “My Word says that I gave you My commandments that it may go well with you.8 My Word is truth,9 not just a good suggestion. You failed to listen; you followed your lying demons, and they led you straight to your death—like a sheep unknowingly going to the slaughter.”

  Paul fell to his knees in anguish and buried his face in his hands while he rocked back and forth. “I can’t believe I failed so miserably.”

  “Paul,” said Jesus, kneeling beside him and putting His arm around him, “In order to be great in the eyes of the world, you need to be intelligent, handsome, rich, have a special talent, or a certain family name. Very few have what it takes to be great in the world’s eyes. But I designed My Kingdom so everyone can be great because to be great in My Kingdom one only needs to humble himself and be the servant of all. Everyone with desire can do that. Paul, you wasted your life trying to be great in the wrong kingdom. I wanted you to have your eye on the prize, but you had your eye on
your pride, on making an earthly name for yourself. You didn’t value eternity and didn’t think that Heaven’s reward was worth paying the earthly price.”

  Through his tears Paul watched Saldu lay a thick leather-bound book with rich tooling on top of Paul’s first book. On it in golden calligraphy was Paul’s name. The book was shining, alive with heavenly glory. As Saldu opened the first page, the book released a sweet melody, a symphony of sounds never heard on earth.

  “Let Me tell you a little about My perfect plan for your life. I had a great destiny for you as I do for all my beloved children. Father, Holy Spirit, and I took such joy planning your destiny before the foundation of the world.” Saldu began to turn the shimmering pages.

  “The interim position at Bradbury was never supposed to turn into a full-time position. It was only to move you to Bradbury so you could meet Sarah and take the job as chaplain. That was your life’s calling.

  “Let’s go back to March 12, when you were 6,” said Jesus, motioning to Saldu. Paul looked at the page and all the overwhelming feelings from his 6-year-old heart coursed through his veins like he was actually living it for the first time. He was visiting his favorite uncle, Emery, in jail. He was the closest thing Paul ever had to a real father.

  His uncle had been hunting and thought the gun’s safety was on. When he pulled in his driveway the neighbor kids came running to see the deer in the back of the pickup. While his uncle’s back was turned, a 7-year-old opened the door, reached in the pickup, and grabbed the gun by the barrel to pull it out. The shot hit her in the neck and she died in the hospital the next day.

  Paul wasn’t there when it happened, and he didn’t know the little girl who was killed, but he remembered seeing his uncle’s downcast face behind those bars. When Paul and his mom stood there, his uncle looked up with tears in his eyes and said, “It was an accident,” then sobbed and sobbed. In his child’s heart and swayed by his love for his uncle, he felt a tremendous sense of injustice. He vowed one day that he would do something to help people like his uncle.