Friends With Extra Benefits

by Luke Young

  Now this was a complete lie, because a) this was not Victoria’s elementary school; b) she never blew a guy in seventh grade—it was eighth, but that’s not important right now; and c) this playground equipment was no more than five years old, and it had been a lot longer than that since Victoria was in elementary school, although it would be rude to reveal just how long. Suffice it to say, monkey bars and dodge ball were still approved activities.

  While staring out the window, ostensibly caught up in the sexy memory, Victoria said, “Yeah, it was over in about thirty seconds.” She shook her head and then glanced to Jeff. “But I’ll bet you can last a lot longer, can’t you?”

  Jeff swallowed hard.

  She didn’t wait for a response; instead, she glanced toward the backseat, beaming. “You guys want to relive a fond memory?”

  Jeff’s answer was to quickly open his door and rush to the playground.

  Lisa and Dale shared a quick awkward glance, and Dale replied, “Uh, okay.”

  Victoria walked to the playground, slipped into a swing, and began to swing back and forth. Lisa took the swing next to her. Rubbing his hands together, Jeff wore a toothy grin while Dale began warming a bit to the idea as they both stood quietly waiting, in front of their dates.

  Victoria glanced up to the stars a moment before she looked at Jeff with her eyes bright. “Now, I remember. Here’s how it happened. Billy… um, Billy Clinton… was his name.”

  Lisa gave her a look. Fortunately, the reference to the former President was lost on the young lacrosse players. Sure, they were dumb, but it was partially because blood was currently leaving their brains and heading to other places where it was urgently needed.

  Victoria shrugged. “Anyway, I was swinging, just like I am now, and Billy went up the slide by himself.”

  The guys didn’t make a move. It wasn’t until Victoria gave them a tired look and pointed to their respective slides that the walking erections took off.

  “That’s it. Now climb up there,” Victoria bossed as she widened her eyes while giving Lisa a comical look. Lisa covered her mouth to hold back her laugh just as the guys were halfway up their ladders.

  Once the guys were in position at the top, Victoria continued, “Billy started throwing his clothes down to me one piece at a time.”

  Jeff ripped off his shirt and tossed it down. Dale stood confused for a moment, and then the lights finally came on, and he began removing his clothes. He dropped down his shirt, shorts, shoes, and socks as Jeff did the same.

  “Now, I was an innocent young girl back then, and I didn’t know what the heck Billy was doing. I really didn’t.”

  Lisa and Victoria stopped swinging and watched as Jeff and Dale stripped out of their underwear and tossed them to the ground.

  Standing, Victoria gazed up at Jeff. “This is when Billy told me to come up because he wanted to show me something.”

  Jeff stared down at her, wearing nothing but a smile while stroking his prize.

  “So say it,” Victoria called up.

  “Okay… Uh, I need you to come up here because I want to show you something.”

  Victoria grinned as she raised her hands skyward. “I’ll be right up.” Lisa gave her an odd look. Victoria whispered, “Come on.” Grabbing Lisa’s arm, Victoria led her toward the back of the playground, where the ladders to the slides met the ground.

  There, Victoria kept hold of her arm and waited while Lisa persisted in giving her a concerned look. A moment later a police car sped into the parking lot with lights and sirens blazing. Victoria pulled Lisa quickly toward a brick building behind the playground. Paralyzed and completely naked, Jeff and Dale stood in the center of their respective towers.

  As Lisa and Victoria moved behind the building, they heard officer Williams boom, “Just what the hell are you two boys doing?”

  Williams and his partner, Officer Ryan, rushed toward the slides. They each shone a flashlight up at the naked men and then back down at the clothes.

  “It seems you boys dropped your clothes.”

  Jeff said, “Uh, yes sir. We’re here with our dates and we, uh, were just—”

  “Dates, huh? I don’t see any dates.” Williams quickly shined his flashlight around the playground and then returned it to Jeff’s face. Jeff squinted and attempted to shield his face from the beam with his hand.

  “I don’t see any dates, either. You sure you’re not each other’s dates?” Officer Ryan quipped, punctuating his joke with a chuckle.

  Dale chimed in, “Oh, no… They, uh, ran off.” He pointed toward the building. “That way.”

  “Okay,” Williams replied sarcastically.

  “And their car is right there,” Jeff pleaded.

  “Uh-huh.” Williams rolled his eyes. “Why don’t you boys come down now? If I were you, I’d take the ladder and not the slide. Wouldn’t want anything to get sheered off now, would we?”

  The naked pair carefully made their way down the ladders and moved to stand in front of the officers with their hands covering their groins.

  “Hands on your heads,” Williams said.

  Both returned a look that asked, “Really?”

  “Get ‘em up!” Ryan shot out forcefully.

  Jeff and Dale reluctantly obeyed the command. Williams giggled. “Must be pretty cold out here.”

  Both officers shone their respective flashlights on the two frightened and retracted excuses for male reproductive organs. Ryan broke into a chuckle. “Or maybe that’s what scared off their dates.”

  Victoria and Lisa held back giggles as they listened from behind the building.

  Looking down at their junk, Dale and Jeff were visibly embarrassed by their poor showings.

  “Mayyybeeee.” Williams said, while he and Ryan shared a quick look as they fought to hold back their laughter. Williams paused a moment before he shook his head, put on a serious expression, and loudly said, “Now, do you little boys know where you are?”

  “Uh, what?” Jeff replied.

  Motioning toward the school, Williams said, “That, right there, is a school. Did you know that exposing yourself anywhere near a school, much less on the damn sliding board on the fucking playground, gives you an automatic membership to the sex offender’s list?”

  “No, we just—” Dale stammered.

  “Yeah, you don’t even get a trial or nothin’,” Ryan yelled out as if he were a hillbilly sheriff.

  Jeff began, “Look, officers we were just—”

  “Save it.” Williams looked at his partner. “Now, should we let them get dressed before we haul them to the station, or—”

  “I don’t know. They’d be pretty popular down there if—”

  “Please, don’t arrest us. This is all just a big—” Jeff interrupted.

  “Look, college boy. Just shut up,” Williams began. “I think we should let ‘em get dressed. I don’t want their dirty, naked asses on my seats.”

  The officers shared a nod. “All right, ladies, cover up. I’ve seen enough Vienna sausage for one night.”

  Dale and Jeff rushed to put on their clothes as the officers folded their arms, staring at them while wearing irritated looks. Once fully dressed, the two were handcuffed and placed in the back of the police car.

  Officer Williams let the two idiots sweat in the back seat as he drove toward downtown Miami. The two officers shared a giggle as they overheard the frightened whispering from the backseat of the car.

  A few minutes later, they sat at a red light with the station in view. Williams took a deep breath and glanced at Ryan. “Shit. We’re off in five minutes.”

  “I don’t feel like doing all this paperwork, do you?”

  The boys shared a tentative grin.

  Williams said, “Not to mention the body cavity searches and all that.”

  Dale and Jeff shared a horrified look.

  Williams and Ryan turned to the back seat. Williams began, “If we let you go with a warning, do you promise never to pull this kind of crap ag
ain?”

  “Oh, God, yes! We promise,” Jeff said as both nodded furiously.

  Ryan asked, “Where can we drop you?”

  In front of the fraternity house, the officers helped the two still-terrified college athletes out of the car and removed the handcuffs.

  Jeff said, “Thank you, officers.”

  The officers nodded before climbing in the car. Williams rolled down his window and called out, “Never mess with Victoria.” As Dale and Jeff looked at him, confused, Williams added, “Oh, and for God’s sake, wash your hands after you take a piss. What are you, animals?”

  Williams sped off, leaving the two drunken idiots staring at each other in utter bewilderment.

  Victoria and Lisa sat in the car outside Lisa’s townhouse and were struggling to contain their laughter. Suddenly Lisa stopped giggling, put her hand on Victoria’s arm, and put on a serious expression. “Gee, thanks for ruining my night.”

  “Oh, I’m sorry honey… I know you had—”

  “I’m kidding. I really didn’t want my first sexual experience to be with a drunk asshole lacrosse player who is apparently battling a significant shrinkage problem.”

  After sharing another chuckle, Victoria said, “He was cute, though. It’s a shame he’s such a jerk.”

  “I know.”

  Victoria turned to face Lisa and looked her in the eye. “You know… You’re right. Your first time should really be special. Let’s not just find some hard-on with a random idiot attached to it.”

  Lisa returned a hopeful nod. “What was your first time like?”

  Victoria paused. “Oh, it was so… I mean…”

  “Tell me. It was probably amazing, right?”

  Shaking her head while wearing an uneasy smile, Victoria began, “It was prom night, and after the dance my boyfriend booked a room in a hotel. A beautiful room… there were rose petals, uh, scattered all over the floor and…” Lisa narrowed her eyes as Victoria continued, “…oh, and he picked me up to carry me to the bed, where there were also rose petals and—”

  “Was his name Billy Clinton, or was it Georgie Bush?”

  After studying Lisa’s skeptical expression, Victoria lifted her palms up in defeat. “Okay, you want the real story?”

  “I do.”

  “Well, I was a high school senior, and after school one day I went over to Rodger McCollum’s house. His parents weren’t home. We went down to the basement. It was horrible and awkward as we fumbled around. It was over in less than two minutes. As soon as he was done, he panicked and threw me out of the house. Said he was worried that his mother might come home. Oh, and he made me take the used condom with me. He was sure his mother would find it or—”

  “How awful.”

  “That’s not the worst part.”

  “What is?”

  “I shoved the condom in my purse and forgot about it. My mother found it stuck inside and I was grounded for pretty much the rest of senior year.”

  “Wow.”

  Victoria stared straight ahead out the window. “The purse was ruined… there was this big stain and pieces of rubber… It was a mess.”

  She glanced over at Lisa as her eyes brightened. “But I was a young idiot; you have a chance to really make sure your first time is amazing.”

  Lisa put her hand on Victoria’s arm. “I think I’ll stay a virgin, or just maybe I’ll give women a try. I don’t know.”

  Victoria gave her a sincere smile. “No, don’t give up. There are some decent guys. I’m sure they’re out there somewhere.”

  Lisa exhaled deeply and took in Victoria’s hopeful expression. “You’re probably right, but I think I’m going to go in and fire up my vibrator. I just bought some new batteries so—”

  “I still think Eric is the man for you. I’m going to make it happen, I promise.”

  Lisa rolled her eyes and sighed.

  Staring at her with a determined look, Victoria added, “No, I’m serious… if I need to physically guide his penis into your vagina, I’ll do it.”

  “Okaaayyyy,” Lisa replied with raised eyebrows. “I appreciate your help.” She opened the door and stepped out of the car.

  “Don’t use too high a setting with your mechanical friend there.”

  “Why?”

  “You’ll get used to having a motorized penis inside you. You’ll desensitize your vagina so much that no real man will be able to give you an orgasm.”

  “Oh, okay,” Lisa replied casually.

  Victoria watched with a sad frown as Lisa walked slowly away.

  7

  A few days later, Victoria stood in front of Jillian’s house holding a bag. Brian opened the door and smiled at her.

  “Are you ready?” she asked.

  He whispered, “I haven’t done myself in a few days. I should be ready to go.”

  “Congratulations,” she said with a sarcastic grin.

  He sneered at her. “I figured that would be a good thing for this, right?”

  “It couldn’t hurt.” Victoria handed him the bag, and he took a peek inside. She slipped past him and asked, “Where’s the wife?”

  “She’ll be right down.”

  Jillian appeared and smiled at Victoria. “Hey, there. So where should we go?”

  “I don’t know. You choose.”

  “Let’s walk to the mall and eat there.”

  “Sounds good.”

  Jillian glanced at the bag in Brian’s hand. “What’s that?”

  He looked around nervously. “Oh, um… this is nothing.”

  Smiling, she moved to him and gave him a quick kiss. She put her hand on his chest and ran it slowly down toward his belly button as she whispered, “I can’t believe you didn’t want to do it this morning.”

  Brian whispered, “I’m sorry. I—”

  Victoria watched them with a grin as she headed to the door. “Come on you two.”

  Jillian kissed him again. “See ya.” She pulled away and followed after Victoria.

  Brian called out, “You girls have fun.”

  When Victoria was out on porch, Jillian looked back at him and smiled. “Let’s do something fun tonight, okay?”

  “Definitely.”

  As soon as the door closed, Brian rushed up the stairs with his bag in hand.

  Outside, Victoria shook her head. “I can’t believe you asked him what was in the bag.”

  “I was just having a little fun.” Jillian held back a laugh as they began walking toward the street.

  “You’re trying to sabotage this, aren’t you?” Victoria asked.

  “No, well, maybe… Don’t you feel bad? I mean—”

  “Oh, lighten up. It’s just a little harmless fun.”

  “I guess.”

  “Whatever you did to that kit, he’s not going to get hurt is he?”

  Victoria scoffed. “No, let’s just say he’s going to have a hard time getting the monster into the mold.”

  Jillian shook her head with a grimace.

  Victoria smiled. “Oh don’t worry about him. I’ll tell you a little something you can do to him in the bedroom that will more than make up for this.”

  “Really?” Jillian shook her head, unconvinced.

  As they crossed the street toward the mall, Victoria began, “You get some ice cubes and some hot tea…”

  Brian laid out all the pieces of the “Copy a Cock” kit on the bathroom counter. After reading the instructions carefully, he frowned with the realization that he needed to cut the tube to fit his somewhat impressive—yet sadly modest—manhood, as compared to the mutant-sized male porn superstar pictured on the kit. The kit was designed to produce a replica for a guy up to a shocking foot in length. He stared jealously at the long tube before he readied the scissors and reluctantly cut away the last five inches of the plastic. When it fell to the floor, he momentarily wore a sad expression.

  After bouncing back from the crushing realization that he wasn’t the largest guy ever to make one of these, he measured out his
water and poured the dry mix into the bowl. He placed a laptop computer on the counter, removed all his clothes and spread newspaper out over the floor. After firing up a sex video on the computer, he began working his manhood. He was hoping the erotic stimulation would help him stay as rigid as needed to complete the mold.

  As soon as he was fully ready to go, he poured the water into the bowl, set the timer and began stirring the water/powder mixture with one hand as he simultaneously stimulated himself with his other. This was not at all easy. For a moment he wished he had taken Victoria up on her offer. After about sixty seconds, the mixture began to thicken, and he continued on another thirty seconds as directed in the instructions.

  He glanced one last time at the timer and then scraped the mixture into the tube. He noticed it felt pretty thick already, almost too hard. He began to panic and in the process lost some of his erection. Glancing back to the computer screen, he quickly went back to work on himself.

  Ten seconds later, he grabbed the filled tube and moved to stand directly over the newspaper. While tilting the tube horizontally, he attempted to slip it over his erection. He made it about two inches deep and then everything stopped. He pulled it harder into him and felt a sharp pain where he never wanted to feel a sharp pain, um, ever… He stopped and twisted the tube in a lame attempt to screw himself in further. It wouldn’t budge.

  He rolled his eyes. “Shit!”

  Waddling over to the directions, he scanned them quickly. The paste was supposed to be dripping out all over his thighs as he filled the tube with his penis, but it wasn’t happening. He looked down to see not even a third of his manhood inside the tube and he sighed loudly. Brian fought once more to pull the tube further, but it was useless.

  “Fuck me,” he murmured.

  At that moment, Rob was heading up the stairs for an unannounced visit. He called out, “Mom!” When he heard no reply, he followed sounds into Jillian’s room. It was mid-afternoon so he thought nothing of walking into his mother’s open bedroom door after lightly knocking twice. Brian didn’t hear him.

  When Rob reached the center of the room and peered into the bathroom, he got an eyeful. Stopping in his tracks, he stared at the spectacle of a completely nude Brian holding some sort of tube over his erect penis. Rob’s mouth flew wide open, and he stood there, speechless. Next, he saw the laptop computer playing a scene from a porn movie. He looked back to Brian and shook his head horrified. His first thought was that Brian was jerking off, but he wasn’t moving, so that couldn’t be it. Brian was standing completely still. It was bizarre.