by JP Summers
I ran to catch up to him, then grabbed at his hand only to have him push mine away. “What the hell do you want, Tia?”
“I just wanted to say how sorry I am about you getting into trouble.”
“You’re sorry? Are you fucking kidding me?”
“Carson, I’m truly sorry for the trouble you’re in.”
“You call what I’m in trouble? I call it getting fucked over by your not-so-best friend! Do you have any idea what I just lost? Well, let me tell you. Because I was taking those performance enhancers while I was scouted and when I signed the dotted line for my scholarship, it’s considered fraud. There are no second chances, Tia. I hope you’re proud of yourself for what you’ve done.”
“Excuse me, but I’m not the one who ratted us out to Mr. Peterson. Your little girlfriend opened her damn big mouth and told someone.”
“Okay. If Erin found out, who told her?”
Before I had a chance to respond, the bitch herself walked over to us and asked, “What’s going on? I could hear you two yelling from down the hall.”
I moved towards Erin to stare her dead in the eyes and insisted, “Why don’t you tell your boyfriend exactly how you were the one who went to Principal Peterson to rat us out?”
She raised an eyebrow while crossing both arms, scowling, “I don’t know what you’re talking about Tia.”
I walked right up to her face. “Don’t you dare pretend not to know what I am talking about.”
“Tia! I asked you before. How did Erin find out?” Carson spat.
My eyes veered away from Erin’s and to Carson’s to admit, “From me! Only because I needed someone to warn you about the coaches having to administer all of the scholarship athlete’s drug tests during eighth period. I figured you would be able to skip and avoid taking the test.”
“Why would I need to avoid taking the test?”
“Carson, I was worried that you’d started using the steroids again. Besides, it’s not like you and I have been talking much lately. I figured the only way to warn you was through Erin.”
Carson shook his head before adding, “For your damn information, I haven’t taken anything since December. I told you I quit, and I did. Do you even realize know how badly you fucked me over? Of course not. Your suspicions were all wrong about me. I’ve been angry and edgy because of what happened at prom. The university called yesterday to inform me that I no longer have a scholarship. Tia, all of this is happening because of you telling a secret you had promised to keep.”
I looked over at Erin and yelled, “See what you caused to happen!”
“Don’t blame Erin for this when she just said she doesn’t know what you are talking about.” Carson’s defensive tone angered me.
I walked between Carson and Erin to look in him the eyes, pleading, “How can you not believe me?”
Carson commented, “Because she wasn’t even here when this all went down. Erin was at home sick.”
“That’s not true. I can go to Principal Peterson and prove she was the one who told.”
“Tia. Just stop it, already! I know you are angry with me. That explains why you are making up false accusations against Erin. It’s pretty pathetic if have to drag her into our mess.”
“You know what? I’m done here! I honestly thought you would take my side, but I was wrong.”
Defeated I stormed off. The sad truth was I don’t think Principal Peterson would have backed up my claims. He already stated there was a confidentiality agreement that protects the person who gives information.
I never thought it would be possible to hate somebody as much as I hated that damn bitch Carson called his girlfriend. It didn’t matter how much he wanted to blame me for what had happened. I still loved him so much it was killing me.
The worst part was, I’d never be able to stop loving Carson. It had become painfully clear that I was fated to be miserable. Carson was the only one I had ever truly loved and it breaks my heart to know Erin was the one he wanted.
*****
Tears rolled down my cheeks as I admitted, “I hate myself for telling Erin about you using steroids. I should have never trusted her.”
“Tia, I know I said it was all your fault, but it wasn’t. I created that whole mess and wasn’t sure how to clean it up. I honestly thought no one would ever know about me using steroids. I knew exactly what I was getting myself into, and it still didn’t stop me. I knew how worried you were about my health, which is why I kept my promise to you.” Carson adjusted his arms so that he held me even tighter and continued. “I hate that I never blamed Erin for anything. No matter what she did all I could do was think I could never be angry with the person who saved my life. You were right, I always saw her as being perfect. Everyone said she was taking advantage of me. God, I wish I would have listened.”
“Carson I wish we would have been able to go off to college like we had originally planned. Maybe things would have turned out differently for us.”
“Maybe we’d be happy right now, instead of miserable.” Carson remarked as I looked up at him and saw nothing but sincerity in his eyes.
It didn’t seem fair. We had wasted five years being angry with one another. I had missed out on so many things, but the only one that really mattered was missing out on having Carson in my life.
Carson unwrapped his arms from around me to unzip his coat and removed the sweater he had on, then told me to remove my top layers of clothes so we could warm up even more.
While our chests were pressed tightly against one another’s, I began imagining lying on the beach with my feet in the sand, holding a nice drink with a little umbrella in it. In my fantasy, Carson was sitting right next to me with his nicely tanned body as we enjoyed each other’s company, just like old times.
We had finally put down our shields and made our way through some of the worst memories of our past. The light at the end of the tunnel was becoming brighter and clearer. We had one last stop before any kind of future as friends, or possibly something much more, could happen between us.
The haunting memory of the last time I saw Carson five years ago continued to stab a dull blade into the damaged heart he left me with. I needed closure. Unfortunately, it meant reliving the most degrading night of my life.
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
The odds had been stacked pretty high against us. I was willing to wager everything to fight them, but I wasn’t sure my frail body could handle another unmerciful hour of these freezing temps. My body shivered as my mouth began hurting from the frantic chattering of my teeth.
Having Carson’s body against mine helped at first, but the warmth generating off of his body was reducing by the minute. He intertwined his hands around my waist, hoping to stop them from shivering as much as the rest of his body. I rested my head comfortably on his shoulder, thinking I could easily get used to staying in Carson’s arms again.
I really believe we have a chance to start all over again. All I had to do was put the worst parts of our past behind us. I had already forgiven Carson for the immense amount of pain he left me in after graduation, but I just couldn’t seem to forget how cold-hearted his intentions were with me.
I closed my eyes and replayed that painful night one last time—not to torture myself, but to remember that I wasn’t that vulnerable girl anymore and Carson wasn’t that callous boy anymore, either.
Remembering would be my closure.
*****
I was a nervous wreck on graduation day. I couldn’t believe the class voted during our senior class meeting in March for me to give the speech at the commencement ceremony.
I wasn’t sure what the hell they were thinking, but the pressure was on to give a very memorable one. Carson and I had worked on it weeks ago, before everything happened and we were no longer on speaking terms. I wished more than anything that he could have helped me on that day.
My world had changed in a blink of an eye. I didn’t just lose a best friend. I lost a part of my life. The thought of attendi
ng Northeastern Michigan University without Carson ate at my conscience.
My dad had come into town to see me walk across the stage. I was surprised when he had shown up with a check to cover my first year’s tuition as my graduation present. The huge gesture even made my mom hug him.
When my parents and I arrived at the school, we ran into Carson’s parents, who didn’t seem to be bothered by the fact I was an accomplice in their son losing his scholarship. They surprised me with a hug. Julisa also embraced me and whispered, “Don’t worry, Tia. Carson will eventually cool down and the two of you will be back to talking again.”
My eyes watered as I quietly replied, “I wish that could happen, but I just don’t think we’ll bounce back from me going behind his back and telling Erin everything. I’m just glad you aren’t mad at me for not telling you or your parents.”
“Tia, you were only trying to be his best friend. I know what it’s like to hide things from other people because you feel obligated to protect that person, even if the reason why you are doing it doesn’t make a whole lot of sense.” Julisa hugged me even tighter, then said bluntly, “Besides, Carson was the one who took those damn steroids. You weren’t the one who forced him into it, so quit blaming yourself for this mess.”
After thanking Julisa for being unbelievably understanding, I excused myself to join my class for pictures. I looked across the sea of dark blue caps and gowns that surrounded me, trying to find Carson. I didn’t see him. I noticed Erin talking to her mom, dad and Evan. When Evan saw me, he smiled and mouthed out “hi.” I gave him a half smile then went back to searching for Carson.
There was a small window of opportunity for trying to reason with him and maybe save the only shred of friendship we had left.
There was only one place I could think of to find him. I walked to his locker and found him cleaning out the rest of his things. My throat became dry. The words I wanted to say were caught on the tip of my tongue.
“Hey,” was all I could muster. I was scared of what he would say back to me as my palms sweated profusely. The look on his face was hard to read.
I took one step closer to him, but he quickly grabbed his things while slamming his locker and yelled, “Not now!”
“Why not? I’m so sick and tired of you refusing to talk to me. I hate how I’ve become the bad guy here,” I retorted.
“I’m sorry that I can’t stand to be around you after everything that happened. I’m so relieved we didn’t go on another date because you might have managed to fuck things up with that, too.”
“You’re such a prick, Carson! I can’t wait to start my freshman year at Northeastern Michigan University and not have to deal with your bullshit anymore!”
I was tired of him blaming me for destroying his life and trying to take me down with him. I turned on my heels and went back to the football field to wait for the ceremony to begin. Once everyone was told to take their seats and I was introduced as the speaker, I nervously walked up to the podium, looked out at the teachers, my classmates, and family members, then pulled out my notecards and began.
“When I arrived for my first day at New Holston High, I was so nervous about whether I would be able to find my classes or even fit in, being that I was the new girl. As luck would have it, I had the help of a sweet guy to get me to my first class where I met someone who made my transition into an unknown territory as painless as possible. Not only did I find my place in a group of freshman, but I found a wonderful group of friends who I’ve shared so many memories with. Ones I’ll always cherish even long after I’ve left high school.”
I paused for a moment, remembering that when I had originally written this speech, Carson was speaking to me. It might have been wise to revise my speech, but so much happened, the thought never once crossed my mind.
I softly cleared my throat while straightening the notecards, hoping I wouldn’t screw up the rest of the speech. A sudden impact of emotions washed over me. I fought back my tears and continued.
“Four years ago, each person in this class embarked on a journey into the unknown. Each one of us had some kind of goal or dream of accomplishing something that would define the person we are today. Some of us joined clubs, became a part of a sanctioned sport, played an instrument, sang our hearts out, or simply made it a point to excel scholastically. Regardless of how many of us had different interests, we all had one thing in common. To celebrate along with our peers, teachers, and family that we are not just receiving our diplomas, which signify the completion of our time at New Holston High, we are also getting the key to unlock the door and walk through it to start a life where endless possibilities await us.”
The rest of my words flowed out effortlessly, and I received a huge round of applause. I walked back to my chair, making eye contact with Carson, who was sitting directly behind me. With his eyes glaring right at me, I bit down on my lower lip to stop it from quivering. I didn’t deserve his cruel treatment. Suddenly, I was the one who became his worst enemy for foolishly opening my mouth to the wrong person, and I was the only one being unfairly punished for my momentary lapse in judgment.
The Graduation ceremony was over before we knew it. I held my diploma in one hand and the key to my new car in the other. My dad was generous enough to purchase his only child an eco-wise vehicle to that could be used to drive over to visit him more often. I graciously accepted the gift then hugged my dad before driving away with a huge smile on my face.
By the time I got home I had just enough time to change out of my dress then into something much more comfortable, and head out to Audrey’s party. I figured Carson would avoid making an appearance, considering he wasn’t talking to anyone but Erin. He had so much anger toward all of our friends after they discovered about the incident in the principal’s office. All of them stood firmly by my side, agreeing none of the bad things that happened were my fault.
After a few hours of drinking, it was getting too hot with all of those people in Audrey’s house, so I decided to go outside to dip my feet into the swimming pool. I was splashing the water around with my feet when an unexpected visitor decided to join me. I can’t say why I was glad to see
Evan. I’m sure the main culprit for that would be a combination of my stupidity and the large amounts of alcohol I’ve consumed.
Evan commented, “I figured you would be here.”
“Are you my stalker now?” I asked in a playful voice.
“Do you want me to be?”
“I was just curious why you always seem to find me.”
“I have my sources.”
“I’m sure you do.”
His hand grazed my thigh as I closed my eyes imagining it was Carson instead of him. Evan leaned toward me, and I didn’t even budge as his lips moved within mere inches of mine. I was done caring about who I should or shouldn’t be with.
If he had wanted to screw me in the swimming pool, I’d have let him. It wasn’t like Carson wanted me anymore. I was the trash he’d discarded and now Evan was rummaging through it like he found some kind of treasure.
I closed my eyes while Evan removed the distance between us and kissed me. I felt nothing. I could let him into my pants, but he’d never get back into my heart.
That was the part of me that belonged to someone else and always would.
A cold draft moved across the water, causing me to suddenly pull my feet out and push Evan away from me. He placed his arm around me as I shivered from the breeze. I felt his free hand on my lap as he beamed, “I hear you’re attending Northeastern Michigan University in the fall.”
“Yeah, how did you… oh… that’s right… you have your sources,” I joked.
“It’s going to be a little strange being in the same school again,” he remarked with a huge grin on his face.
Shocked at his revelation, I responded, “I’m sorry… what were you saying about being in the same school?”
“Can you believe I’m transferring in the fall, all because of Carson losing his full
ride to play soccer for them? His spot opened up, and I just tried out yesterday and got it, then I registered first thing this morning, making it official.”
I couldn’t believe it. The last place on earth I wanted to be was at the same school as Evan. I felt like this fate was some kind of punishment for what had happened with Carson.
I quickly excused myself and ran into the house to find the nearest bathroom. The hallway bathroom was occupied, and the line was five people long. I figured it would be okay to sneak upstairs to use Audrey’s. I stumbled into her room, barely making it to the toilet.
I’m really not sure what made me the sickest. The fact that I practically handed Carson’s soccer scholarship to Evan on a silver platter or the fact that I played tonsil hockey with him and would have gladly screwed him?
I vomited my guts out, then used toothpaste to rid myself of the bad aftertaste. I wanted more booze to help dull the pain in my chest. I hoped that I’d pass out and forget I ever had a best friend that I was madly in love with.
The sound of the door opening startled me, but not as much as when I saw Carson’s tall, muscular frame entering. I figured I must be really wasted if I imagined him standing next to me and touching my face. The darkness surrounding us couldn’t disguise the pain pouring out of his eyes and forcing itself through mine.
I tried speaking only to have Carson place his finger over my mouth and gently trace around my lips. The tears forming in my eyes caused me to pull away from him. I knew I couldn’t let him be cold to me one moment then touch me in a very intimate way the next.
I walked past him and reached for the door, but he stopped me from opening it by placing his hand on mine. I wanted to escape the emotional prison he had me in. There was only so much a wasted girl could take before she once again fell victim to the boy who caused her so much turmoil—though she’d never love him any less for it.
