Secrets and Lies

by Annie Jocoby

  Finally, he came through the door and I stood up and he kissed me on the cheek. “Good to see you, Dalilah,” he said as he took his seat.

  “You too,” I said, feeling awkward. It was strange to feel awkward around this man whom I grew up with and lived with for two years.

  In typical Nick fashion, he cut through the bullshit the second he sat down. “So, you wanted to see me. What’s up?”

  I took a deep breath, taking another sip of my water, and wishing that it were wine. But this was a place where I knew I wouldn’t be served, so I didn’t even try to order any alcohol. “I, well, Nottingham. I’m going to marry him.”

  Nick cocked his head a little bit and narrowed his eyes. “Is this some kind of a practical joke? Because it’s not funny, Dalilah.”

  “No, no practical joke,” I said. I had been wrestling earlier about what to tell Nick about this unholy union, and decided just to come out with the truth. The truth sounded actually better than anything else that I could think of. “I have to do this.”

  “Why? You’re not pregnant, are you?”

  “God forbid. God forbid,” I said with a shudder. To bring a child into my ugly relationship with Nottingham would be the last thing that I would want. I already screwed up my own life, and I certainly didn’t want screw up another person. “No, it’s not that.”

  “Well, then, what is it? Because this better be goddamned good.”

  The waiter came around and we gave our drink orders. Nick asked for a double scotch, and I just settled on iced tea.

  “A double scotch, huh? My news isn’t that bad.”

  “You kidding me? You’re telling me that you’re about to marry a controlling, manipulative dom, and you’re telling me that the news isn’t that bad?” He shook his head and snorted a little. “Now, out with it, kid. Tell me your whole sorry story, and maybe I can think of a way out of it for you.”

  “There’s no way out,” I said, and then launched into the entire story. I told him all about Luke and how Nottingham held Luke’s future in his hands. About how I brought all of it on with my manipulative behavior, so now I felt that I had to make the sacrifice and pay the price, so that Luke could achieve his dreams.

  Nick listened intently, to his credit. He didn’t try to interject.

  Finally, after I was done telling him the whole story, Nick shook his head. “Listen, Dalilah, don’t think that I’m not sympathetic to this whole bullshit scenario. Because I am. You want to protect the person you love. I get that. Boy, do I get that. I’d do the same if I were in your shoes, and somebody was threatening Scotty like that. In fact, I’ve done despicable things, all in the name of protecting her. So, yeah, I get where you’re coming from.”

  I took a breath. Nick didn’t know that I knew, but I was aware of just what despicable thing he was referring to. And I did consider that to be my ace in the hole, if Nick refused to get on board. As much as I didn’t want to use that Ace, I would.

  I would do anything to ensure Luke’s future.

  “Okay, then, you’re good? You’ll ease my dad into this situation, so that he doesn’t blow up too much? I mean, he’ll listen to you if you tell him that Nottingham is a good guy after all.”

  “Hell no, I’m not good. Listen, Dalilah, you can’t sacrifice your entire life and happiness like this. Not for anybody. I don’t know this Luke guy, but I suppose he must be really somebody special that you would go to these kinds of lengths for him. But I don’t know him, so my loyalty isn’t to him, it’s to you. And if you’re going to ruin your life, then I can’t be on board with that. Sorry. You’re going to have to handle your dad without my blessing.”

  I bit my lip. I knew that he would say that. I knew Nick too well to think otherwise. So, I had to bring out my Ace.

  Taking a deep breath, not wanting to do this, but feeling that it was necessary, I said “I know, Nick. I know what you did 17 years ago.”

  Nick suddenly got white as a sheet. “What are you talking about?” he asked, his hand suddenly shaking as he brought his glass of scotch to his lips.

  “Paul Lucas. He committed suicide. There was no doubt about that. But who forced him?”

  Nick’s face continued to go pale, and then, just like that, he looked angry. Really angry. “What the fuck? How do you know about that, and are you really going to use that against me? Who are you?”

  I fought back tears. “I told you that I would do anything to ensure Luke’s future, and I meant that. I need you on my side, and I need you to convince my father that what I’m doing isn’t going to ruin my life. Even though we both know that it is.”

  Nick got quiet for a few minutes. I watched as the anger on his face drained away, and his color returned. Finally, he said softly to me “how do you know about all that?”

  “When I was 12, I had given up art, so I was bored. I was bored, so I learned how to hack computers. It was something that was challenging for me. It was like a puzzle or a game. And, well, I came upon the video of you threatening Paul and handing him the gun to kill himself.”

  Nick shook his head. “That entire file was deleted. Ryan and I cleaned it completely off his computer.”

  I sighed. “Nothing is ever completely deleted. Yeah, it wasn’t something that I could have just stumbled upon by any means. But I got really, really good at hacking, and I could find files that were long since erased. You could, too. You just have to know where to look.”

  Nick took a deep breath. “Okay, so, what are you saying, here, Dalilah? Are you telling me, what, that you’ll turn me in if I don’t give you my blessing on Nottingham? Is that what you’re saying?”

  I bit my lip, and then decided not to go through with it. I couldn’t do that to him – blackmail him like that. Yeah, I probably could have used that video to go to the authorities and get him into trouble. How much trouble, I didn’t know, as what he did wasn’t exactly murder, so the statute of limitations would have run on the crimes that he did commit. Namely burglary and blackmail. So, truth be told, unless there was a really enterprising prosecutor who might be able to argue that the whole thing really was a homicide, Nick probably wouldn’t have been in trouble, even if I did go to the authorities.

  Which I never would do, ever. Even if I tried to threaten Nick with going to the authorities, if he called my bluff, then I couldn’t go through with it. I loved him too much to ever do something like that to him.

  “No, Nick, I wouldn’t do that to you,” I said, and I saw Nick’s tense posture relax considerably as I told him this. “I just wanted you to know that I know the lengths that you went through to protect Scotty, so I hope that you can understand that I would do the same for Luke.”

  Nick shook his head. “It’s not the same. That man was a really, really bad man. He did evil things to Scotty and to a bunch of other girls.”

  “I know. I saw the video.”

  “Yeah, well, then you know that I had to do what I did. I had to. There was just no way around it.”

  You keep telling yourself that, Nick. I saw the look on his face, which I read as absolute guilt. I could see that he knew that what he did was wrong, no matter how much of a justification he had given himself all these years.

  “Well, look at it this way. Maybe I’m ruining my life, here. But it’s my choice and it’s my life. Will I be happy with Nottingham? Not a chance. But this is a necessary thing. It’s necessary, and I need you to help my father come to terms with it. I mean, he won’t ever be entire happy with this situation. I’m his little girl, and, truth be told, I think that he really wants me with Luke.” I looked at my glass. “As do I. God, I’m so in love with that guy, I just can’t stand it. He’s all I think about. But I can’t be with him, and I have to be with Nottingham. Please help my father come to terms with this.”

  Nick just shook his head. “You’re something else, you know that? Well, that was always something that I knew about you – if nothing else, you’re very loyal. To a fault. But I still can’t do this for you, Dalilah
. I’m sorry, I know how much this all means to you, but I can’t lie to your dad like that. I’ve never lied to him before, and I’m not about to start now.”

  I stared at my food, which had just arrived, feeling very defeated. Everything was against this. What I was going to do with Nottingham – I was going to alienate everyone I cared about. Everyone I loved. And Luke was bound to find out, and he would be even more devastated.

  I had created a mess and a trap, and I had no clue how to get out of it.

  Chapter 8

  After I had my dinner with Nick, I trudged home, and knew that I had to make the dreaded phone call to my mom and dad. Without Nick to be a buffer between my parents and me, I knew that there was going to be a huge problem when I told them.

  Of course, Nottingham couldn’t have been less concerned about this. When I told him how much I had dreaded talking to them, he simply said “sorry, Dalilah, it has to be done. It has to be done, because I want you to be my wife before Luke’s show.”

  Considering that there was less than a week and a half before Luke’s show, it didn’t exactly give me a lot of time to help them come to terms with this. So, I had to make the dreaded phone call to them about meeting me for dinner.

  “Mom,” I said, calling her.

  “Dalilah, what a surprise! What’s going on?”

  “Um, I need to see you and dad tomorrow night. Can you make it to the city? I’d like to go to dinner with you.”

  “Sure, Dalilah. Is there something wrong?”

  “No,” I lied. “Nothing’s wrong. Why?”

  “Well, you usually don’t initiate seeing us, that’s all. Of course, we always love to see you. It’s just unusual, that’s all.”

  I momentarily thought about telling her just to forget about it. Maybe Nottingham and I could be married in secret and none would be the wiser. But then thought better of it. My secrets and lies were what got me into this mess in the first place. Better not keep them in the dark. “I do need to talk to you guys about something.”

  “Uh oh. This doesn’t sound so good. What’s going on?”

  “Can’t talk about this right now. Please, let’s just go to Wolfgang Puck’s tomorrow night. I can’t tell you what I need to tell you over the phone.”

  I heard a long silence on the other end.

  “Mom?”

  “Oh, sorry, Dalilah. I was distracted. You know how much I worry about you. It sounds like what you’re going to tell us is going to be not so good.”

  Not so good. Understatement of the year.

  “Just see me tomorrow night, with dad. Thanks.” At that, I hung up. I didn’t want to hear her try to pry the news out of me on the phone, as she always tried to do.

  After I got off the phone, I went and got dressed for my date that evening with Nottingham. I did my usual ritual before I had to see him – I took two shots of Jack Daniels and ate part of a pot cookie. After what had happened with Luke and Nottingham, I became so depressed that I sought help and was able to get a prescription for marijuana. Part of the reason I was able to was because I had really been depressed for years, so the doctor I spoke with had determined that I was suffering from chronic depression and gave me a prescription based upon that.

  The pot that I was prescribed wasn’t the giggly kind, as I liked to call it, but, rather, was more of a relaxant. Very little bothered me when I ate the cookie, which meant that I was able to get through my dates with Nottingham with a feeling of relaxation, which bordered on euphoria. I didn’t know if Nottingham suspected how drunk and high I was when I saw him, but he never said a word about it, so I assumed that he didn’t really know.

  This was my life. Becoming, once again, comfortably numb with substances, because I was so unhappy. And, of course, my art stopped once again. Depression can sap one’s energy and zest for living, and art, for me, required that I had some kind of passion in my body. The kind of passion for life that Luke had invoked in me – that was the stuff that my art was made of. But now, well, I did my nude modeling, and ate my cookies and drank my shots, all while trying to get through dates with Nottingham without killing him.

  I had stopped posing for Luke, of course. He had to finish the portrait just through memory, and based upon the photos that he had taken of me early on. Nottingham had kept me abreast of the progress, and assured me that the portrait would be delivered on time. Which would mean that Nottingham would have that portrait around the same time that Luke had his show, which was scheduled for the week of December 15.

  Nottingham picked me up at 7, and we were going to be headed to the Union Club, which was where he always liked to take me. I secretly thought that he wanted to take me to this place because he knew how much I hated it. It was a gorgeous club, and served only the very well-heeled, but that was the problem – I craved ordinariness. Playing pool, going bowling, playing blackjack at the casino, hanging out and drinking hot chocolate while listening to music – that was my idea of heaven, if these activities were done with Luke. And, of course, the sex with him was out.of.this.world. I couldn’t get enough, and neither could he.

  I got into Nottingham’s limo, and he kissed me lightly on the cheek. I looked at him, feeling nothing at all. Which was actually good, because if I didn’t calm myself down with my cookie, I probably would have cut a bitch. The bitch being Nottingham.

  “Nice to see you Dalilah,” he said.

  “And you.”

  Nottingham looked down at his hands, and I noticed that his thumbs were twiddling. Finally, he looked at me. “I have decided that I want you to attend Luke’s show with me.”

  At that moment, my heart started racing and panic arose in my throat. My pot cookie notwithstanding, this simple sentence from Nottingham induced terror in me. Not to mention the fact that the very idea of going to Luke’s show on Nottingham’s arm was utterly incomprehensible. It was something that I literally couldn’t imagine. “Why? Why would you want to do this to me?”

  He put his hand to his chin. “Because, Dalilah, I want to make you suffer. And I can think of no better way of doing that than to make you see Luke whilst you’re on my arm. And, I want him to know that you’re mine, now, in case he is entertaining any ideas that would contradict that.”

  At that moment, I wanted to castrate him without anesthesia. I was so angry that no substances I took could keep me calm. I said nothing to him, but looked out the window. I wasn’t going to protest, though. I had to bite my tongue about that. If Nottingham wanted to torture Luke and me by having me show up on his arm, then that was what was going to happen.

  “Dalilah,” he said, jerking my face towards him. “You’re going to do this.” And then he changed the subject. “Your parents. When are you going to tell them?”

  “Tomorrow night. It’s already set.”

  “Good. You do know, though, that, even if they don’t approve, this wedding is going to happen. Right?’

  I nodded my head and said nothing. “Right.”

  He nodded back and went back to looking out the window.

  For the rest of the evening, I sulked and hardly said a word. Not that he cared. On the contrary, I swear that he got a perverse sense of pleasure in seeing me squirm. He did all the talking, and I pretty much answered “yes,” or “no,” and really didn’t say much more.

  This was probably the longest night of my life. Except, of course, for the night that I broke Luke’s heart.

  Chapter 9

  The next night was my dinner with my parents. I dreaded this almost as much as I dreaded seeing Luke at his show. After Nottingham dropped me off at my apartment after our dinner, I laid awake all night, filled with anxiety and dread for having to see Luke while I was with Nottingham. I felt that such an appearance was going to be rubbing salt in both of our wounds. I could never move on from my feelings for him, but I really, really wanted and needed for him to move on from his feelings for me. And seeing him was just going to reopen that wound and pour rubbing alcohol on it.

  So, I thought
about sending a text message to him. I felt that I had to warn him that I would be coming and that I would be with Nottingham, who no doubt would be busy introducing me to everyone as his wife. That would be completely unfair to just blindside Luke like that.

  My heart in my throat, I was going to text him. But then thought better of it. If I warned him, then he probably wouldn’t come to his own show. If he didn’t come to his show, then it probably wouldn’t be a hit. Nottingham had invited hundreds of luminaries to the premiere, most of whom had RSVP’d yes. Celebrities, politicians, critics, patrons, art A-listers – all would be coming to the premiere, and Luke would have to at least be there to meet everybody. If he didn’t, well, then he would be missing out on a huge opportunity.

  The next trick would be to make sure that he wasn’t completely thrown off his game by seeing me there. If he was going to truly be able to mix and mingle and meet important people, then seeing me there with Nottingham would no doubt put a total damper on his spirits and motivation. I somehow would have to hide from him as much as possible, which was going to be tricky at best.

  I wrestled with what to do for that entire afternoon. I was caught between wanting to warn him, and take the chance that he didn’t show to his own premiere, and blind-siding him, which would certainly cause him anxiety, such that he might not want to meet anybody. I had no idea which option I should take, so I just decided that blind-siding him might be the safest choice.

  My parents arrived to take me to dinner at 6 PM, and our reservations were at 7. I opened the door for them, and my mom and dad both enveloped me in a hug.

  As my dad held me in his arms, I felt safe. Like when I was a small child. I found myself wanting to go back to that time, when I was young and helpless. Before I started making crappy decisions about my life. I wanted to start all over again, so that I could do things differently.

  In my alternative universe, where I could start anew, I would have the lessons learned in this universe to draw upon, so that I wouldn’t make the same mistakes. I never would have started seeing Nottingham, as I would know that Nottingham would have given Luke a show without my intervention. So Luke and I would still be together and happy and planning our wedding. In a couple of years or so, we would start a family. A hip, jazzy family living in the Upper West Side. I would take our daughter to the park every day, and both of us would have sizzling art careers.