Secrets and Lies

by Annie Jocoby

  “Oh, okay. I suppose that you feel that you didn’t need to warn me that you were married to Nottingham. I certainly would have appreciated the heads-up about that one.”

  I was quiet for a few seconds. I was struggling on how to explain that to Luke. “Yes, Luke. I know. I really should have warned you about Nottingham as well.”

  He nodded. “Okay, then. You apologized. So, let me call you a cab and you can leave and get back to him. I’m quite sure that you snuck over here without his knowledge, and he seems to be the type of guy who wouldn’t take kindly to that sort of behavior. You need to get out of here.”

  I knew that he was right. There was going to be hell to pay when I got home to Nottingham. I had no idea how he was going to react when he found that he couldn’t find me at the gallery anymore. And then to come home and see that I wasn’t there, either...I was actually afraid to go back to him at that point.

  Very afraid.

  I stood up, and took Luke’s hand. He looked at me, a questioning look in his eyes. I started talking, and it seemed, once again, that I couldn’t control myself. Just like when I was compelled to go to his apartment in the first place, when I started to talk, it was if I couldn’t stop myself.

  “Luke, I, well, I can’t live with myself. Knowing what I did to you. I just, well, I haven’t been able to live with myself. I love you, Luke. I think that I have been in love with you since that first night when you came over. You remember that night? We listened to The Dead Kennedys and you beat me in that card game. And you kissed me. You kissed me, and nothing has been the same since.”

  I wasn’t looking at him when I was talking. Rather, I was looking down at the floor. I didn’t want to see him reject me. And I knew that he would. Of course, he would. After all that I did to him? He would, no doubt, reject me.

  And if he didn’t reject me? What then? I couldn’t leave Nottingham. Not until I knew, for a fact, that he wasn’t going to be able to destroy Luke.

  You didn’t think this through, Dalilah. Once again, you’re making stupid decisions that are, no doubt, going to have ugly repercussions.

  Finally, I looked up. He was looking at me, and not talking. It was as if he was astounded at what I was saying. Trying to process it. He was not only not speaking, at all, but he also wasn’t making a single move. It was as if he suddenly became a statue. Like that game that I used to play when I was a kid, where the other kid would have to become a statue if he was tagged.

  “Luke,” I said. “Please, say something. Anything.”

  He shook his head. “I don’t know what to say, Dalilah. I mean, you come here, and you tell me that you are in love with me, still. And, you know what? I believe you. I believe you, 100%, when you tell me this. Because I see it in your eyes. I see how much you love me. I thought that I saw it in your eyes back at the gallery, but, at that time, I thought that I was just imagining things. Now I know that I’m not.”

  I took a deep breath. “Well, you need to know that you’re not crazy. I’m still in love with you. I want to be with you so much, you just can’t imagine it.”

  He cocked his head. “Okay, then, I don’t understand. Why are you married to Nottingham? Why did you break up with me? Why, Dalilah? Why would you do something like that?”

  I looked at him, wavering. Not knowing what to say. I was going to have to come up with something, and it couldn’t be the truth. Because the truth would mean that Luke would rightfully go over and tell Nottingham to kiss his ass. I knew Luke well enough to know exactly how he would react if he knew the truth.

  Finally, I said “I’m doing this for my friend, Nick. He’s my father’s best friend. I lived with him for a couple of years, and I owe him quite a lot.”

  Luke gave me a look like he had zero understanding about what I was talking about. Indeed, as the words came out of my mouth, I, myself, had no idea what I was talking about. It was just the first thing that popped into my head.

  “Nick. I don’t think that I know him. But tell me what you’re talking about. Why would you marry Nottingham, and how does that help your friend? Help me understand, here, Dalilah, please. I need to move on, and I really need answers, here.”

  I started to panic just a little. I was weaving a web here, and I had to figure out how to get out of it. What could I say that would appease Luke, to where he wasn’t going to want to kick either Nottingham’s or Nick’s ass? If I told him that Nick tried to force me into this, for whatever reason, then Luke would probably read Nick the riot act. If I told him that Nottingham was blackmailing me, and this somehow involved Nick, then Luke would want to kick Nottingham’s ass.

  Finally, I thought about the marriages of convenience that occurred between powerful people, marriages that somehow secured each of the parties. “It’s a marriage of convenience,” I began. “Nottingham is one of Nick’s firm’s biggest clients. Nick is the managing partner of one of the largest architecture firms in town – O’Hara, White and Stroker. And Nottingham is worth millions to him.”

  “Okay,” he said. “Go on.”

  “Well, I just thought that I should try to secure Nottingham’s patronage of Nick’s firm. That’s all. Losing his business would be devastating for Nick, and, well, he was making noises that maybe he would leave Nick’s firm to go with somebody else, and I married him to secure his continued patronage.”

  He nodded his head, like he understood. “I don’t know what to say, Dalilah. I’m still kinda in shock that you’re here at all, and now you’re telling me that you married Nottingham for some kind of altruistic reason. That you somehow want to sacrifice yourself and your own happiness so that Nick’s firm won’t lose Nottingham’s business. I mean, I can almost understand why you would do that, but, come on, Dalilah. You shouldn’t have to fall on your sword, no matter how much this Nick has done for you.”

  Oh, if you only understood exactly why I’m falling on this sword. I’m doing it for you, Luke. Only for you. The irony of Luke thinking that I was sacrificing myself for Nick wasn’t lost on me.

  “You don’t understand,” I said. “Nick took me in when I was totally lost. He didn’t have to do that. He has three kids of his own at home. Then I went to stay with him, and I was a surly 16-year-old. I think that I gave him and his wife more than my share of grief. I found an opportunity to repay him for all that he did for me, and I took it. I took it, and believe me, I regret that. Because it means that I can’t be with you. But I did want you to know how much I love you. I never want you to think differently.”

  Luke just looked at me, perplexed. I looked down at the ground, not wanting to meet his eyes. I was playing with fire, just being in Luke’s apartment, and I knew it. I think that he knew it, too.

  Finally, after what seemed to be an eternity, he spoke. “I don’t know what to say, Dalilah. I mean, for whatever reason you married that man, you are married to him. Not to me. To him. So, you need to leave my apartment right now.”

  I felt tears coming to my eyes. “Luke, I-“

  Now he was pacing the floor. “I’m sorry, Dalilah, this whole thing is just starting to sink in for me. You’re not the woman that I thought you were if you’re going to treat marriage like some kind of game. You don’t marry a person to repay him, you marry a person because you love him. That’s it. There’s no other reason. But you – you give marriage a bad name, really. Marriages of convenience happen in other countries, and they happened in historical times. And I guess that they still happen now, in this country. But I don’t agree with them. Especially if said marriage of convenience is to a rich asshole like Nottingham.”

  I went up to him, and I just kissed him. I put my arms around the back of his neck, and drew him to me. I could feel him breathing heavily, and I was shaking all over. But it felt so right to do that. I had this need to feel my lips on his, to taste him. To physically feel him, skin to skin. I longed to strip off his clothes and feel his nakedness and his warm skin on mine, and never leave his bed, ever. He enveloped me in his strong arms,
as his lips gently glided with mine. I felt myself getting completely lost in his touch, just like I always did before.

  After a few seconds, though, he pushed me away. “What the hell, Dalilah? I mean, really. You think I don’t have an ounce of self-respect, do you? What, you’re not getting it from Nottingham, so you’re going to get it from me? Get out, Dalilah. I’m serious. Out. Now.”

  “Luke, please,” I said. “Please don’t send me away. I made a mistake. A bad mistake. Please. I love you. I love you, Luke. Not him. You. It has always been you. Only you. Please.”

  Here I was, pleading again, but, instead of pleading with Nottingham not to pull Luke’s show, I was pleading with Luke himself.

  Pleading with him to love me.

  He seemed to waver. In his eyes, I saw so much pain and love and forgiveness. I saw into his heart and into his soul, so I knew the truth. No matter what he might say to me, I knew that he loved me just as much as I loved him.

  This knowledge was cold comfort, though, when he said “I’m sorry, Dalilah. But you have to leave. You’re married to somebody else. I don’t know about you, but in my neck of the woods, it means something to be married to somebody else. It means that you made a commitment, and you need to see that through. And that commitment that you made wasn’t to me. It was supposed to be, but it wasn’t. It was to Nottingham. So, to him, you must give all your love. Not to me.”

  His words stung me beyond belief. Yes, I deserved this, really. In his eyes, I just married Nottingham willy-nilly without giving any regard to Luke, or to my commitment to him. Or my absolute, undying love for him. If he only knew the truth, then I knew that I could stay. He might even help me find a way out of my trap.

  But he couldn’t know the truth. He couldn’t, because he needed to be safe. His career was going to take off, so to have Nottingham sabotage that, as Nottingham surely would if I stayed with Luke, would be devastating to me. Everything that I did, everything that I sacrificed, would be for naught.

  I couldn’t let that happen.

  Now his arms were crossed. I still saw the hurt and love in his eyes, but he was assuming a defensive posture.

  I didn’t move a muscle. I even tried to control my breathing. It was as if I thought, I believed, that if I stood perfectly still, maybe he would just let me stay. I looked down at the floor, because I didn’t want to see his expression when he decided, once again, to try to make me leave.

  I couldn’t leave. I felt like my feet were rooted into the floor.

  “Dalilah,” he said, softly. “I love you. I’m completely in love with you. But how I feel about you, and how you apparently feel about me, isn’t the important thing here. The most important thing here is that you made a commitment. Why you did it really isn’t relevant, either. The fact is, you made vows with somebody else. And, unless you want to tell me that you’re perfectly fine with making a complete mockery of the very idea of marriage, then those vows that you took with Nottingham should mean something. Otherwise, you’re no better than my sister, Serena.”

  I felt tears coming down my cheeks. But I couldn’t leave. I just couldn’t. It was as if I were in a dream, one where my legs were made of lead, and they won’t move. “Serena. Tell me more about her.”

  He shrugged his shoulders. “What is there to tell? She cheats on her husband right and left, and doesn’t even care that she’s doing it. That’s not how a marriage should be. That’s not how it’s supposed to go. I get that you don’t love that guy, but you married him. For whatever reason, you married him. Now you have to go to him. If you’re the woman who I think you are, then you will leave this apartment and never come back. Because the Dalilah I know has integrity.”

  His words were like daggers. I had gotten myself into a position where he was going to think less of me. I couldn’t have that. Not that I blamed him, at all – all that he could see was that I married somebody else, for the wrong reasons. He didn’t have the truth about what, exactly, the wrong reasons were. He only knew that I was married to Nottingham, a man that I didn’t love.

  “Okay,” I finally said. “I’ll leave.”

  “I’ll call you a cab,” he said, taking out his phone and dialing. He got off the phone and said to me “he’ll be here in five minutes.”

  I nodded my head. I accomplished exactly zero in coming here. Luke still had no desire to be with me, and, if anything, I did further damage – he thought that I had come here to have my cake and eat it, too, essentially. That I came here to have sex with him, while being married to somebody else. I hated the fact that he possibly thought that about me.

  He didn’t meet my eyes, but he motioned to the door. I went through it, and looked back at him. I so wanted to tell him the truth. I never, ever wanted to leave him. But I had to.

  I had to.

  After a few moments where I just stood out in the hallway, pleading with him with my eyes, I finally just turned around and went down the stairway and into the waiting cab.

  Chapter 21

  Luke

  Fuck, that was the hardest thing that I ever did. Throwing Dalilah out took all my will. My heart was so fighting my head in that situation. My heart, and my soul, were begging her to stay. Not to return to him. To divorce him and be my wife, yesterday.

  My head, though, was what finally won out. Dalilah was married. Who really cared why she was married? The fact of the matter was, she took vows, those vows weren’t with me, and that was that.

  Call me a hopeless romantic, but marriage is supposed to mean something. Too often, in this society, it didn’t mean a damn thing. But, for me, it did. Dalilah’s place was with her husband, not with me. I got that she married him for reasons other than love, but she made her bed, goddammit.

  She made her bed.

  God, but seeing her here in this apartment...the memories came back so vividly. For a few brief moments, before my head took over, it was really as if she had never left. She was back in my apartment, and it took everything I had not to strip off her clothes and make love to her all night long. To wake up with her in my arms in the morning – that would be my idea of heaven.

  It occurred to me that I would gladly trade every bit of praise and success I had at my premiere for her. If there was a genie who had the ability to give me one or the other – either I became an art A-lister, or I got to be with Dalilah forever – there wouldn’t be any hesitation. I would choose being with her. Every.time.

  I laid down on the couch, feeling confused. More confused than ever. On the one hand, it seemed that I had finally arrived. The one thing that I have worked for my entire life, the sparkling debut where everybody sat up and took notice, finally happened for me. My premiere couldn’t go any better than it did. It really couldn’t.

  So I really should be ecstatic. Bouncing off the walls.

  But I wasn’t. I couldn’t be. Not when I couldn’t have Dalilah. This entire evening was therefore muted at best. I never thought that achieving a lifelong dream could seem so...unimportant. Insignificant. All because of Dalilah. She wounded me so deeply by dumping me. And then twisted in the knife by showing up at my show. And then somehow managed to make it even worse by showing up here to profess her love for me, while being married to somebody else.

  I wasn’t going to have that bullshit. I had to find a way to move on.

  It will come in time, I told myself.

  Just give it time.

  In the meantime, though, the pain in my heart was more than I thought that I could bear.

  Chapter 22

  Dalilah

  As I headed home in the cab, I was so sad about my whole situation with Luke that I didn’t even feel fearful about going home to Nottingham. Truth be told, I should have been scared, but I wasn’t. Luke occupied almost all my thoughts as I stared out the window of the cab.

  I tore out his heart, that much was clear. It was in his eyes, and it was in his body language. He loved me as much as I loved him. I couldn’t stand knowing this, while having to be apart from
him.

  So, my mind was only on him as I trudged out of the cab, and took the elevator to the top floor. I got my keys out when I got to the door of the penthouse suite. I unlocked the door and opened it.

  I took a deep breath. Nottingham was nowhere to be seen, and the place was dark.

  And then I heard it. A woman’s laughter and ecstatic squeal, and Nottingham groaning.

  Oh, good lord. Really? I shook my head, and went over to the bar and poured myself a stiff scotch. I learned to drink neat scotch from my dad, as that was always his drink of choice. I poured the drink and put on the television. As much as I wanted to flee the scene, I thought it prudent to stay put. Besides, I really had no place to go at that point.

  I listened to the two of them going at it for a few minutes more, and then the woman emerged from the bedroom, completely naked.

  Nice boob job. Wonder who did them?

  She smiled and came over to me. “Blake heard you come in. He wanted me to come out here and see if you would like to join us.”

  I shook my head. “No, really, be my guest. You just go on ahead. Don’t mind me.”

  “Okay, then,” she said, heading back to the bedroom.

  To my dismay, though, she came back out in about five minutes. This time, however, she was fully clothed and had her purse on her arm. “Well, I guess I’ll be going. It’s nice to meet you Mrs. Nottingham.”

  I groaned inwardly as she addressed me by my married name. I hated that I was married to him, and I really hated when others reminded me of that fact.

  She left, and then Nottingham himself appeared outside the door. He cocked his head at me silently, and then came over and sat next to me. “Dalilah,” he said. “How nice of you to make a guest appearance here at home.”

  I raised an eyebrow. I wasn’t expecting this reception. I wasn’t even sure what this reception was.

  Then, just like that, he hit me across the face. Hard.

  I looked at him, and his face had definitively changed from just a few seconds before. He now had fury in his eyes. He shook his head. “You fucking whore. You humiliated me tonight. You refused to talk to any of my friends there at the party, and then you just up and disappeared. Up and disappeared. And don’t think that I don’t know just where you went. I can smell him on you.”