Starting Fires

by Makenzie Smith

  “Then why do you want me to stay in this car?” My muscles were tight with aggression and I took a deep calming breath. “Look,” I continued more relaxed. “You don’t want to commit to anything right now and I get it, because I don’t want to either, but I’m not going to let you make a fool out of me. If you want something here, then don’t expect me to sit around while you’re off with other girls. I wouldn’t expect that from you.”

  While I was talking, his hand had drifted to my leg and he squeezed it. “What exactly do you want from me?” he asked.

  “I don’t know,” I sighed, because I didn’t. This was a new area for me. If I thought that he wanted to be my new boyfriend, I would end it right now. I wasn’t ready for that regardless of how he made me feel. But seeing him with other girls would piss me off. Could you still be committed in a noncommittal relationship? It sounded absurd.

  He sighed and looked out of the dash window. While he contemplated what to say to me, he started rubbing up and down my thigh and I let out a sigh that clearly told him I enjoyed his touch. “You want this,” he said, nodding towards his hand.

  “Yes,” I whispered, feeling pathetic.

  He turned towards me and started moving it higher up my body. Slowly. Feeling every one of my curves. It stopped just under my breast. “And this,” he said bringing his face closer to me.

  “Yes,” I said, a little more breathlessly.

  He lowered his mouth, hovering it just over mine. “And you want me to do this?” I nodded. “Just not with other girls?”

  My eyes felt heavy and I moved my lips, feeling the slightest sensation from his. “At least not in front of me,” I told him, knowing it was unfair to require him to be with only me when I was being so difficult.

  For a moment, he hesitated, as if he hadn’t expected me to say those words. But then he squeezed my side and whispered, “I could do that,” just before he opened his mouth over mine, moaning when our tongues touched. I cradled his jaw and it felt like our mouths were sealing a deal.

  After two weeks we had developed a great understanding. We hung out when we wanted to. We never kissed in public, but openly showed each other affection in private. It was easier that way, and kept us from having to explain what we were to other people. When I needed space, he gave it to me. When he didn’t return my phone calls, I didn’t freak out. If he had other girls, I never saw them. Girls talked to him, and he mildly flirted, but he never gripped their knee under the table when he thought they were funny, and he never tucked their hair behind their ear when it fell out of place. And I didn’t have any other guys, but he would have no way of knowing. We never asked each other. We generally stayed away from serious topics, until one day at the end of October.

  Halloween was the next week and he was sitting on my bed, strumming Wally’s old guitar, trying to tune it. He was wearing holey jeans, all ratty and frayed, and a black shirt with a grey logo on it. It was for some bar I’d never heard of. His bare feet bounced along to the out of tune melody. I had just finished some homework and stretched my back, raising my arms high into the air. He reached over and massaged one of my shoulders, not really working much out, but I appreciated the gesture.

  “You need a desk,” he told me before going back to his tuning.

  “I know.” I fell back on my bed and looked up at the ceiling, listening to him strum the notes. “Maybe I’ll buy one this weekend.”

  After he was finished with the guitar, he placed it on the floor and grabbed the picture of my mother and sister. He’d sat on this bed at least six times in the last two weeks and never mentioned it. I knew the question was coming.

  “Is this your sister?”

  “Yeah, and my mom.”

  “Wow,” he brought the frame closer to his face, studying it. “You look just like her.”

  “I know.”

  “Are they back in New York?”

  Technically they were. And I wouldn’t be lying if I said yes and left it at that. Instead, I said, “They died when I was nineteen.” I felt him still, and I could see his head turning to look at me. “It was a car accident, just before Christmas.” Before I knew it, the words were coming freely out of my mouth. “They’d gone to a Broadway show. It was their yearly tradition. Some time around midnight, a police officer knocked on our door. My dad was in his study, so I was the only one standing in the foyer. I couldn’t even open it, because I knew. I just knew. There was no other reason for him to be there.”

  I took a breath and felt a trail of warmth seep from my eye and down my cheek, but I continued. “My dad eventually let him in, and took him into the living room. I remember so clearly sitting on the stairs trying to listen to what they were saying. Now I wish I’d never heard it. That maybe I could go on pretending that it wasn’t real.”

  He put the picture down and looked away from me. “Tell me something about them.”

  I thought about all the little things that I could say that would no doubt make more tears flow. Like how my sister always used my brush instead of her own because she claimed it worked better even though we had the exact one. Or how my mother hummed Janis Joplin while she cleaned around the house. Realizing that I was getting myself worked up, I took a deep breath and said, “My mom and sister both played the violin. They were beautiful together. I tried playing when I was younger, but never had a knack for it. Now every time I hear someone playing the violin, I think of them.”

  He scooted down the bed a bit and we laid in silence. After a moment, he said. “The only person I’ve ever lost was my grandmother. That’s what the tattoo is for. She used to call me her ‘Little Sparrow.’ Something about the way I flitted around as a kid. She hadn’t called me that in years, and I think most people forgot that she even had. At least they never get the reference.”

  Feeling grateful that he shared something personal with me, even though he didn’t have to, I wrapped my arms around him and snuggled into his side. His arms came down around me and he changed the subject. “Are you dressing up for our Halloween party?”

  I shrugged. “I saw an Alice in Wonderland costume at the store that I like, but I don’t have the hair for it.”

  “You could go as a dark Alice,” he said, running some fingers through my locks.

  “Oooo. I like that,” I smiled. “What are you going as?”

  “Well, if you’re going as Alice, I’m going as the Mad Hatter.”

  I chuckled and nuzzled my head into his chest.

  Chapter 11

  Our Halloween party was a few days away, and I still hadn’t bought my costume. Even though they already had theirs, Nicole and Lacey accompanied me to the store. It was packed with last minute shoppers. Kids were running around screaming, parents looked exhausted, couples argued over what to wear, and spooky music played in the background.

  We pushed our way toward the adult costumes and I searched for an Alice. Not helping, my friends began looking at some of the racier getups and discussed changing their outfits. After skimming every aisle, I found it. The last one. But it was a size too small. “This is the only one they have. It won’t fit me,” I told them.

  “Try it on,” Lacey shrugged.

  “It can’t hurt,” Nicole added.

  Deciding to give it a shot, I waited in line at the dressing room. Behind the curtain, I tried to get the costume on, but the back had a corset. My hands swatted and twisted, finding it impossible to tie. “Nicole! Lacey!” I yelled. “I could use a little help!”

  A moment later, the curtain opened. They jerked the outfit over my shoulders and started pulling the strings, making it really tight. “Jeez,” I wheezed.

  After I put on the tights, I looked in the mirror. My cleavage poked out of the top more than what was intended and it hiked high on my legs. If I moved the wrong way, I’d be giving people an eye full of backside. I sighed with disappointment.

  “Whoa,” Lacey said.

  “Marlowe, you have to buy this,” Nicole added.

  “It’s too
small,” I said. “My butt almost hangs out.”

  “Trust us,” Lacey said. “This looks amazing on you.”

  It didn’t look horrible, but I might be uncomfortable in it all night. “I don’t even have the shoes to go with it.”

  “I have some you can borrow,” Nicole said. “You should do your makeup really dark. All heavy eyeliner and smoky eyeshadow.” I was still unsure, but they were adamant. Not wanting to argue and ready to be done with this place, I relented.

  On Halloween, about an hour before the party started, I was in my bathroom trying to do my makeup as they suggested. I must have watched ten different YouTube videos before I finally succeeded. My hair was down and straightened with a black headband keeping it out of my eyes. Since I couldn’t lace up the back alone, I waited for Lacey or Nicole to arrive.

  They came in the bathroom unannounced and I suppressed my chuckle. Lacey’s outfit was predictable, a sexy Pocahontas, but Nicole…

  She was wearing a full body Star Trek uniform. It looked legit too. Clearly, she’d paid a hefty price for it.

  “What?” She jerked her shoulders, bulging her eyes. “I like Star Trek. Layoff.”

  I chuckled again, but let it go as they laced me up. When it was done, I had to admit that it looked good. I pushed my hair over my shoulders and turned around, bending over to see if my underwear was visible.

  “I see it,” Nicole said when I went too far. I started coming back up. “There,” she stopped me. “That’s as far as you can go.” I mentally branded it into my head, not wanting anyone to glimpse my black panties.

  Downstairs, the guys were congregated around the kitchen island. Wally was wearing a green man costume. Charles was dressed as a pirate. Ian looked like Ian, but added an eye patch. And Lucas was wearing dark jeans and a cream-colored shirt that had pockets across the chest. A big green top hat was sitting on his head.

  I walked over to him narrowing my eyes. “This is your Mad Hatter?”

  He didn’t answer me, busy raking his gaze up and down my body. “Holy shit, Marzy,” he said.

  Rolling my eyes, I flicked the bill of his hat. “People will think you’re dressed as a pimp.”

  He chuckled and started to reach for me, but pulled back when he noticed everyone watching us. “It’s the best I could do,” he smiled.

  It didn’t really matter. I hadn’t expected to go in matching costumes anyway. It seemed very couple-y. Shrugging to show him that it wasn’t a big deal, I pointed to Ian and said, “At least it’s better than just an eye patch.”

  “Wally made him wear it. He said everyone had to be dressed as something.”

  We didn’t decorate the house. The holiday was just an excuse to have fun and drink. About an hour later, people started arriving, but we had a good head start on them. I was sufficiently buzzed and sitting at the end of my table. Lucas had abandoned his hat long ago and was next to me, his chair off to the side. Some people I didn’t know were playing quarters and I watched intently, trying to figure out the secret to landing the coin in the cup.

  “You wanna play?” Lucas asked.

  Shaking my head, I answered, “You’d kick my ass.”

  He leaned towards me and gave me a big smile. “I’d go easy on you.”

  “Then definitely not. I don’t want your pity.”

  He leaned in closer, and we both had silly grins plastered across our faces. If we had been alone I would have kissed him, but there were too many people around. My eyes shifted to his lips and he knew what I was thinking. He jerked his chin, saying, ‘Who cares? Lay one on me.’ Touching his cheek, I quietly chuckled, thinking about it. His hand ran from my wrist to my elbow and then back up again. Instead of kissing him, I said, “I’ll get us a cup and some more beer.” He looked a little disappointed but kept smiling.

  The kitchen was packed. I saw an angel, a devil, some eggs, another pirate, a kitty cat, a nurse. I couldn’t keep track of it all. After I found our beer stash, I grabbed a red plastic cup and headed back to him. The beers were cold in my hand. As I approached the table, I shuffled them around causing the red cup to slip from my fingers. Reactively, I bent to pick it up at Lucas’ feet.

  Behind me, I heard someone whistle, and quickly stood remembering my panty issue. Thinking nothing else of it, I put the beer and cup on the table. When I went to ask Lucas what to do next, he wasn’t looking at me, but behind me, jaw tight and eyes hard. As I turned to see where his murderous glare was directed, he pulled me forcefully into his lap, draping my legs over his.

  His glare had lessened but he was still looking across the room. With determination, he moved his hand under my skirt to rest high on my outer thigh. He took his other hand and held me at my waist. Not knowing what else to do with my arms, I wrapped them around his neck, bringing our faces close. He turned towards me and, before I had time to do anything about it, brought his lips to mine.

  Initially, I was embarrassed, but had just enough alcohol in my system to push the feeling away. If anyone around noticed us, they didn’t say anything. I’m sure our heated kiss was typical for a party like this, but for Lucas and me it was a big deal. His nails scraped the skin of my thigh and I moaned into his mouth, causing him to grip my leg aggressively. I pulled back before we got carried away and smiled at him. “Alright time for you to kick my ass at quarters.”

  I was surprisingly good. The quarter was a little off my first few tries, but once I had the hang of it, I sank nearly every one. Lucas and I only played two rounds before he pawned me off on someone else, saying that I was too skilled. I knew he let me feel like I’d beaten him, so I didn’t rub it in his face too badly.

  Eventually, I was standing at the table, Lucas to my left—his hand ever present on the small of my back—as I took on other partygoers. My current opponent was a girl dressed as a bunny.

  “You’ve sank nine, Marzy,” Lucas said. “Think you can make it ten?” The bunny looked toasted, but she was egging me on. Telling me that I couldn’t.

  Lucas moved behind me and gripped my hips. When I released the coin, it made a clack against the table, and then a ker-plunk as it landed into the cup. I raised my hands in victory and cheered. Lucas wrapped his arms around my middle, chuckling as he kissed my neck.

  “I’ll be right back,” he whispered. “You good?” I nodded. He walked towards the stairs, I guessed to use my bathroom. It was the only one off limits for everyone else at the party.

  The bunny finished drinking her cup and went to take her turn. The quarter clacked the table and flew towards the living room. I went to pick it up, bending down with more discretion. Turning back towards the table I heard, “Marlowe?” over my shoulder and my spine straightened. The hair on my arms stood on end, and suddenly it felt like I had a rock in my throat.

  Slowly, I turned towards the voice. Seeing it was exactly who I thought it was, my eyes narrowed. “Are you fucking kidding me?” I said.

  Mark bristled. “Nice to see you, too,” he said, sounding hurt, but he brushed it off and smiled. “What are you doing here?”

  There was no one way that I was telling him I lived here now. And absolutely no way that I would tell him he was standing in my house. “Visiting friends. What are you doing here?”

  “You remember Grant? We just finished helping his brother move to the area. Some guy at a video game store told him about this party.” He was still smiling and now looking at me with wonder. “What are the chances that I would find you here?”

  Spare me. This was horrible. I looked around the packed room for somebody I knew. There was no Wally or Charles. No Lacey or Nicole. They must have all been outside. I spotted Ian in the corner of the living room, drinking quietly. I bore my eyes into him trying to send an SOS signal.

  “Can we go talk somewhere?” Mark asked.

  Not getting Ian’s attention, I turned and walked back to the kitchen. “No,” I said over my shoulder, but he followed me anyway.

  At the island, he grabbed my hand. “Please, babe, I just
want to talk.”

  I grimaced and pulled away from him. “I don’t want to talk to you. Ever.” I’d said it with so much force, several people turned their heads towards us.

  Embarrassed, his face grew hard. “What the hell is your problem? You just up and leave, change your phone number? Who the fuck does that? I deserve an explanation.”

  I owed him nothing. Just seeing him was making me feel sick. I turned away again, but he grabbed the top of my arm. He only held me a fraction of a second before his hand was ripped away, and Ian was pulling me out the back door.

  It was a little ironic that Ian was now holding me in the exact way Mark had been while he led me towards Charles. He deposited me at his side and walked back to the house. I watched him take off up the stairs and wondered if he was going to find Lucas, and also what was taking him so long in the bathroom.

  “What was that about?” Charles asked.

  Still staring at my house, I said, “Mark’s here.”

  He spit out his beer. “You shitting me? Here? As in, this house? Why?”

  With almost no emotion, I said, “To ruin my life.”

  This was a disaster. I didn’t want him to find out that this was where I lived. Someone could tell him. It might slip out. What would happen then? Would he show up all the time?

  I saw Lucas and Ian come down the stairs. Lucas looked into the kitchen and I saw his fist clinch. Ian was saying something to him that made him turn to me. When we made eye contact, I started toward him, and he opened the sliding glass door to meet me. “Tell me what you want me to do, and I’ll do it,” he said as he approached.

  A piece of my heart melted a little bit and I smiled, wrapping my arms around his waist. He put a hand at my neck and cradled me to his chest. His fingers threaded through my hair as he bent down to kiss the top of my head. Not falling for him was harder than I thought it would be. I didn’t expect him to be so… genuine. I took a deep breath and reminded myself that he wasn’t my boyfriend. He didn’t want commitment. And neither did I.