Starting Fires

by Makenzie Smith

  He hugged me and brought his fingers to my chin, tilting my head up. His lips were soft and gentle as he kissed me.

  This is all I’d wanted tonight. Him. His touch. His kisses. To feel like I was the only thing that mattered to him. On a long exhale, I spread my fingers across his stomach and opened my mouth. While we kissed, I brought my hand up to his hair and ran my fingers through it. There was no way I could be sure, but I liked believing that he never kissed other women as he kissed me. Putting everything he had into it. Savoring. Taking his time.

  He held my wrist then trailed down my forearm, moving to my shoulder, then to my breast, and stopping at my waist. Gently, he pushed me onto my back. Needing him, my hands went to his boxers and I pushed them down. I felt chills as he pulled my panties slowly off my hips and under my ass, his nails lightly scraping as they went down my legs. My shirt was shoved just under my breasts and he didn’t bother taking it off. As soon as my legs wrapped around him, he pushed into me and didn’t stop moving—thrusting with a deep yearning.

  My eyes had adjusted enough to the darkness that I could see him above me, slightly elevated, and straining through his slow strokes. I realized that this was different from our other times. This wasn’t sex, or a fuck. It was more. Never before had our movements been this languid, as if we were holding on to every single sensation. Begging time to slow so that it would never end.

  The only sound in the room was the low hum of the air unit and our hushed, sporadic breathing, growing louder and then quieter and then louder again as we moved against one another. My hands went to his collarbone, and I gently trailed them down his chest and stomach, trying to feel every part of him. When they landed on his abdomen, I let them stay there, feeling his muscles bunch and relax as his hips drove into me.

  Wanting my shirt off, I leaned up to kiss him, and pulled it over my head as I lay back down. Seeing me completely bare, his eyes flared and he lowered his body, connecting every part of our torsos. He brought his forehead to mine and held the side of my face. My legs hiked, raising my knees to his rib cage. The position brought him deeper, and our rushed, strained breaths mixed. His eyes never left mine as he leaned on an elbow, and brought his other hand to my hip, squeezing as he started thrusting more forcefully. We stayed in this position, his eyes gently rolling back as he focused completely on how I felt.

  His fingers were playing in my hair, tenderly threading through it when he said, “Say it, Marzy.” My brows curled, not knowing what he wanted me to say. His head came to the side of mine, and I heard, “I want to hear it again,” softly at my ear.

  I wasn’t completely certain what it was, so I brought my hands to his back, holding him close, as I said what I hoped he wanted. “I love it, Lucas,” I whispered, but it sounded deafening in the quiet room. He groaned, and pushed deeply into me. “I love it so much,” I told him and meant that and so much more.

  “I do, too,” he said with conviction. My legs started quivering, and he rose above me, extending his arms. Our breathing became more rhythmic and labored as the intensity in the room grew. His body moved in a perfect wave, rolling and receding against me. We were both close. I could see it in the firm set of his jaw and feel it from the tip of my toes to the top of my head. As it encompassed me, my head fell back, and my shoulders arched on the bed. When the muscle spasms became too much, I brought my hands to his shoulders and squeezed as I rocked against him. The sharp inhales I produced were making my throat hurt, but I couldn’t stop. The grip on his shoulders tightened, and I felt my nails digging into skin, but my fingers wouldn’t give. At the height of my orgasm, three words came to the forefront of my mind. Three powerful words. Three words that would change everything. To keep them from spilling out of my mouth, I bit my lips.

  Once my fingers relaxed, he moved back to his knees, and gripped my waist. With more force, he pushed in and out of me, his eyes fixed on our joining bodies. “Shit,” he said, as if he couldn’t believe how good this felt.

  Agreeing, I responded with a deep, and breathy, “Yes.” His eyes came to mine, and suddenly, he was over me again, kissing me and jerking his hips. My hands went to his face, and I held him as he finished inside me.

  After the last of his convulsions ended, he kept his face close to mine, staring into my eyes, his mouth open and panting. He wanted to say something. I wanted to say something.

  Slowly, he pulled out of me, and rolled to his side, nudging me to roll with him. Our eyes were locked. My mouth open and closed on unspoken words. It was there on the tip of my tongue. But I was hesitating, trying to decide what he was thinking.

  His hand was rubbing my hip and he looked down to it. The beginning of a thought started to come out of his mouth, but he stopped himself. His eyes came back to mine, and he sighed, looking defeated.

  This was our moment. We might not get another one. If we didn’t take it, it would pass by and be lost to us. My heart was beating wildly, my palms were sweating. My tongue felt fat and thick, sticking to the roof of my mouth. Say it, I told myself. When the words wouldn’t come, Say it! echoed more forcefully. I took a deep breath for courage and looked to the ceiling, ready to spill my confession.

  Next to me, Lucas sighed and abruptly sat up. “I’m going to take a quick shower,” he said and got off the bed.

  Wait. He walked to the corner of the room and grabbed his bag. Wait. He went into the bathroom. Wait! The door closed and I heard the lock turn.

  A choked sob came out of my chest, not tearful, but full of heartache.

  Our moment was gone.

  Chapter 23

  My wish was granted the next morning as I woke up lying beside Lucas. Unfortunately, it wasn’t a tender, gradual morning that we shared. I would have loved nothing more than to come out of sleep feeling his hand rubbing along my back, or his lips softly kissing my shoulder. Instead, what I received was Wally charging in at 10 a.m.

  “Get up,” he said. “Gotta leave soon.” Like the complete rude ass that he was, he walked over to the empty bed and fired up the TV, not bothering to turn the volume down.

  Lucas groaned and rolled over, nearly on top of me. He draped his arm across my chest and buried his head into the pillow. “I hate him,” he said, the words muffled. He had no idea. Right now, he was the last person I wanted to see, and if Lucas weren’t here, I’d be telling him what a shitty friend he was.

  We’d both showered in the early hours of the morning, me having one after him, and hadn’t gone back to sleep until nearly six. I was exhausted. Pissed off, I wrapped my arms around his, and sighed into his shoulder. Our eyes connected and I tried to decide if he looked any different first thing in the morning. His hair was a little wilder, and his eyes were a little swollen, but his easy smile was the same. I smiled back and hoped that I didn’t look like Medusa.

  He was the first to move, getting up and throwing me my pants and bra. “Do you have anything I can wear?” I asked him. “These clothes smell like yesterday.”

  Lucas chuckled as he sat at the end of the bed, putting his shoes on. Already, he was wearing a pair of jeans and a white t-shirt. “Nothing clean,” he said.

  My lips pulled to the side. I didn’t mind if it was his dirty clothes—which was somewhat gross. Not wanting to admit that, I pulled my jeans under the covers and brought them up my legs. My toothbrush, face wash, and deodorant were all in my car. “I don’t even have my toothbrush,” I said.

  “Use mine,” Wally said. “It’s by the sink. The neon green one.”

  “Eww,” I whispered and walked into the bathroom with no intention to use his. Looking in the mirror, I realized that I looked like hell. My makeup had smeared under my eyes. My hair was a wild, poofy mess. I didn’t bother closing the door as I put my bra on under my shirt. While I was situating it, Lucas came up behind me, standing in the doorway.

  He was silent, expression unreadable as I washed my face and used my finger to brush my teeth. Luckily, I had a ponytail holder still around my wrist and used it pull my h
air back. Even as I finished, he remained where he was, not saying anything, only looking at me. Feeling a little uncomfortable, I gave him a shy smile through the mirror. The side of his mouth turned up, but his lips never fully gave in. He looked sad, and I didn’t know why. “Is everything okay?” I asked.

  He moved from the door and came up behind me, squeezing my shoulders. His head bent down to kiss me softly on the neck. Without a word, he started brushing his teeth. I lingered for a bit, but eventually went back to the main room.

  A few minutes later, Charles and Ian came over with their bags. “I feel like shit,” Charles said and fell on the bed beside me. “Can I ride back with you, Bird?” he whined. “I wanna sleep on your back seat.”

  I looked down at him and smiled. “Sure,” I said. “I’ll even stop and get you breakfast. Whatever you want.”

  “That’s my girl,” he said and reached out to me, squeezing my thigh. Lucas was standing in the bathroom doorway, glancing at us. Charles kept his hand on my leg. Normally, I wouldn’t have thought anything of it, but Lucas took a deep breath and stormed over to his bag, forcefully packing it. Just in case Charles touching me was upsetting him, I scooted to lay with my head at the other end of the bed.

  After Lucas dropped us off at my car and I’d gotten Charles his promised breakfast, he lay down in my backseat, his arm draped over his eyes. We’d been on the road for about thirty minutes when he asked, “What happened last night? Why were you in my room?”

  “It was nothing,” I said, trying to brush it off.

  “It was Lucas wasn’t it?”

  And Wally. “Sort of.”

  He sighed. “I’m sorry.”

  “For what?” He hadn’t done anything.

  “It just sucks. You’re my friend, and I love you, and he’s my friend and I love him, too. I just wish he could be different. You deserve better.”

  What did he mean? My hands tightened on the steering wheel. “Is there something you want to tell me, Charles?”

  “I don’t know.” He sat up, and I could now see his face in the rearview mirror. “It’s just-” he began, but stopped. “I mean, I saw him yesterday. At the festival. Him and Wally with those girls—Stephanie and Ginger. When they left, he said he’d meet up with them later.” He shook his head from side to side. “I wondered if she was going to pop up again. She did, didn’t she?”

  “Yeah.” My stomach felt tight. “What were they doing? When you saw him?”

  “Nothing really,” he said. “Just talking. Laughing. Hanging out for a little while.” He cleared his throat. “Look, I’m not saying anything was going on between them, but given their history, I thought that he should be keeping his distance, you know? I can tell that you really care about him, probably more than you want to admit, and it sucks that he’s taking advantage of it.”

  “He’s had sex with her.” I said, knowing it was true.

  “Yes,” he said.

  “How do you know?”

  “You don’t want me to tell you. It was a while back, but I don’t think it was just the one time. What happened? Did she say something to you or did you see anything?”

  “Nothing too horrible,” I said, not taking my eyes off the road. “When we got back to the hotel, Wally was with them in the room. She was lying on his bed and I had the feeling that I was imposing on something.”

  “Did he stay with her?”

  “No. I left and went to you. He came and got me a few minutes later. When we went back to the room, they were gone.”

  “What do you think would have happened if you weren’t there?” he carefully asked.

  “I don’t know. I don’t know anything, Bear. And it sucks.”

  “I’m sorry,” he said again, and it was clear that he was.

  Tears were in my eyes, but not falling. After a few miles, I asked, “Why do you think he’s taking advantage of me?”

  “Well, he knows you’re into him. If he doesn’t then he’s blind. But what is he doing about it? Nothing. When you aren’t around he still flirts-”

  He was going to say more, but I cut him off. “Is he… with other people?” I asked.

  Charles sighed, staring up at the ceiling of my car. “I don’t know. All I can say is that I’ve never seen him leave with anyone or do anything physical in public, but when I’m not around… I can’t be sure.”

  “Do you think he is?” This was important. He wouldn’t lie to me. He had my best interest at heart and would give it to me straight. No matter how badly it hurt.

  “He’s done this before,” he said solemnly. “With other girls. I kept thinking that he’d ask for something more serious from you and then that would be the difference. But he hasn’t. If I didn’t know you, and you were just some random girl, then I’d say that he definitely is. It’s his MO. Never commit. Never stay around for long. Love them and leave them. But… you two have been doing this for how long?

  Mentally, I calculated it. “Around five months, I think.”

  “That’s something,” he sighed, not sounding like he actually thought it was. “Longer than any of the others. Well… except Candace.”

  Except Candace. Who as far as I knew, he hadn’t seen since Christmas. Had I replaced her for him? Was I the girl he kept around dangling from his finger, ready to drop everything if he only asked. “Am I the new Candace?” I asked, filled with heartache. I didn’t want to be known as that.

  Charles scoffed. “You will never be the ‘new’ anything. You’re the first Marlowe. You set the bar. Remember that. You are worthy. If Lucas doesn’t see it, then fuck him.” We shared a smile in my rearview mirror. “Just… don’t forget to guard your heart. If it feels like it’s getting to be too much for you then end it. I’ll never forgive him if he hurts you.”

  “Okay,” I said.

  For the remainder of the car ride, I could feel my heart repairing the parts of the wall that Lucas had torn down. With every mile, it went higher and higher. This was already too much for me. I’d already decided that I’d fallen hard for him. That I wanted more. And Charles was right. Lucas hadn’t even mentioned wanting that from me. Why would he? I never denied him my body. I snuggled when he wanted to. I listened to him talk about his day. In all senses of the word, I was his girlfriend, but didn’t get any of the benefits that came with it. He did.

  We made it home after everyone else, and Lucas was in our kitchen. Without speaking to him, I made my way up the stairs and plugged my phone into the charger. I turned it on before unpacking my small suitcase.

  “Let’s go do something today,” Lucas said from the doorway.

  “Like what?” I asked, not looking at him as I folded a t-shirt.

  “Anything.”

  My phone vibrated. I grabbed it, seeing a new message from Paul. He wanted to know what time I was going to be getting back.

  Just made it home I said. My phone’s been dead. How’s it coming along?

  Immediately I got a response. Not good.

  I smiled at my screen. Need some help?

  Please!

  “I can’t,” I said, grabbing my purse to leave. “Paul needs me. He has to have this done today, or Mr. Yudeski will flip out.”

  “Tomorrow, then,” he said as I walked past.

  “Maybe,” I said, feeling on edge about my talk with Charles. The last thing I saw as I turned towards the stairs was Lucas standing in my doorway looking at his shoes.

  Paul was grateful to see me. I brought him a fresh coffee and sandwich from the restaurant across the street and together we made it through the day, finishing everything. Smiling, we walked out of the building feeling as if we had just accomplished the impossible.

  “I’m so glad that’s over,” he said.

  “Me, too.”

  “Now maybe we’ll get a breather and I’ll get to show you some fun stuff. Well, fun in the accounting world. And hopefully Yudeski doesn’t task me with another ridiculous assignment.”

  At my car, he gave me a big, tight hug. “
Thank you,” he said as he let me go. “I never would’ve been able to do it without you. You saved my job.”

  “Maybe one day, you’ll be able to return the favor,” I smiled. “I really hope that after I graduate, Mr. Yudeski hires me.”

  “I’ll put in a good word,” he grinned and walked off.

  The following week, I barely saw Lucas. Whatever he’d wanted to do that Sunday was forgotten as he played video games with Wally. Occasionally, I’d get a text message from him, but they were short and small. Despite my pulling away, I was still crazy about him. The sight of him still made my heart beat rapidly. But I decided since I’d accepted these feelings, I couldn’t continue the way we were. Every night I hoped that he’d come to my room—tell me that he missed me, that he wanted me and only me.

  Every night I was disappointed. I slept in his shirt, and wore his necklace and ring, clinging to him through them—hoping that he would realize that I was only his. I’d been only his for so long, and all I wanted was for him to be only mine.

  Before going to Lucas’ bar on Saturday, I met my coworkers at a crab shack in the next town. In all, there were seven of us. I smiled when someone spoke to me, laughed when I was supposed to, but all I could think about was leaving and seeing Lucas.

  As soon as my check was paid, I waved goodbye and drove straight to Burns. His car was in the parking lot, and I gleefully walked towards the front door. Halfway there, he came out, looking at me with surprise.

  “Hey,” he said. “I didn’t think you were coming.”

  “Why?” I sped up to reach him, ready to wrap my arms around him, but his body language was all off, so I hesitated, dropping my arms back down.

  “Normally, you’re here at noon. It’s 2:30.”

  “Is it? Sorry, I was at this work thing.” While I looked up to him, I had to shield the sun with a hand to my forehead. Never before had he felt so tall.