Starting Fires

by Makenzie Smith

  Faster that I could believe, Lucas was on him, his hands at his throat. Charles quickly extracted them. Not over, curse words and accusations started flying as their arms moved in a quick frenzy, pushing and shoving one another. My hands went up, doing little to stop them over in the corner. Their bodies were bumping into the counters, knocking discarded mail onto the floor. They weren’t swinging at one another, but it was only a matter of time before they snapped.

  Wally and Ian were trying to get to them, but were having a hard time moving around their slamming bodies and the island. “Lucas,” I said, not getting his attention. This was my fault. Two people who had been friends long before I ever entered the picture were fighting because of me. I wiped my teary eyes and moved towards them. Charles was being overpowered and Wally and Ian, in their adrenaline-filled minds, hadn’t thought to walk around the island. Everyone was yelling and screaming at one another.

  “Lucas!” I said a little more loudly. Still he didn’t stop. Hoping not to be hit in the crossfire, I tentatively touched his back, giving it a gentle rub. “Lucas,” I said again. Something broke through, and he stopped moving, but his hands were back at Charles neck. He wasn’t squeezing, but holding it forcefully. Charles was pissed, about to lose it, gripping his shirt, but not moving either. Lucas’ breaths were heaving, his nostrils flaring in anger, his eyes not leaving his friend’s. Slowly, I moved closer and rubbed my hand down his arm. “Please let him go,” I said. “Please.”

  His head dropped as he took a breath. With hurt and sadness, so much of it, I could feel the emotions as if they were my own, he looked at me. Not knowing what else to say, a pathetic, “I’m sorry,” fell from my lips.

  His eyes closed and he grimaced as if in pain, but let him go, pushing away forcefully. “Don’t call her that again,” he said and rushed off.

  I couldn’t take all the eyes on me, and left too. In my bedroom, I shut the door and slid down to the floor.

  Chapter 29

  I didn’t feel a year older, but I was. Twenty-seven. I wasn’t like Nicole and didn’t plan to have a big dinner with all my friends in attendance, and I definitely wasn’t going to be wearing a tiara. In fact, I didn’t plan to mention it at all. Celebrating wasn’t something I was in the mood for.

  The day dragged on as I thought about where my life was. My work was suffering. I needed to rectify that. Despite, having a few bad weeks, I knew I would still graduate, but the coveted Dean’s List was out of the picture. I guess, in the grand scheme of things it didn’t matter. A few years from now would it even be relevant? Probably not.

  That afternoon, I crept out of my room and down the hallway to Charles’ door. The sound of the television told me that he was in there. I was embarrassed to see him, but it was important to me that we resolved everything between us. Tentatively, I knocked. “Come on in,” he said.

  Taking a breath, I pushed it open. He was on his bed watching television, muting it when he saw that it was me. “Can we talk?” I asked.

  “Sure,” he said and sat up.

  I walked in and propped against the edge of the bed, not looking at him. “I’m sorry,” I said. “I didn’t want it to-”

  “Stop,” he cut me off. “I’m the one who needs to be apologizing. I fucked up. I said those awful things. Let me say, that you, Bird, are 100% not a whore.”

  My stomach tensed just hearing the word again. “Well, I’ll admit that I haven’t been behaving the best. Maybe you were a little right.”

  “Don’t say that shit.” He moved to sit next to me. “I was pissed and ran off at the mouth. Lucas was right to defend you.”

  “Even so, I’m sorry that his defense led to something so physical.”

  “Me, too.” We sighed at the same time, staring solemnly at different parts of his room. I was looking at his carpet, reliving the night before when Charles said, “He cares about you. More than I thought he did.”

  “I know,” I said. “But he hurt me. Mark hurt me. And you know what I did with Mark? I begged and pleaded for him to stay with me. Not again. I won’t be that dumb, naïve girl again.”

  “I don’t want you to be.” His arm came around my shoulders to give it a squeeze. “I love you, Bird.”

  “I love you, too, Bear,” I smiled. He kissed my temple and then offered to take me to dinner for my birthday. So he did remember. I agreed. Priscilla joined us, and I ate in silence, as she talked non-stop through it. I couldn’t even get a word in edgewise. It felt like she was nervous, trying to impress me. She didn’t need my approval, but it made me appreciate Charles when I realized that she thought she did.

  When I came home, a small box was sitting outside my bedroom door. My hands trembled as I picked it up, having a good idea who’d left it. I didn’t open it until I was in my room and sitting on my bed. There wasn’t a note attached and with careful hands, I took off the top.

  Tears came to my eyes when I saw a silver chain. I pulled it out and held the tiny violin in my fingers. He remembered. He had to have seen me eyeing it at Mia’s store. In my movement, the box fell from its spot on my knee, landing upside down on the carpet. I reached down to pick it up and found a tiny silver sparrow hidden underneath the cotton insert.

  He was making this extremely hard. I wanted to be strong. To prove that I was better than I was before. I didn’t want to run back to him. But all of his small efforts at winning me over were starting to work, and I hated it.

  For now, I took the sparrow and placed it on my nightstand, but the violin went around my neck.

  At work, I was more devoted. If I wanted Mr. Yudeski to hire me on, I needed to up my game. He was a hard ass, unwilling to put up with my dramatic personal life. As much time as I could spare, I was at the firm, doing my own work and helping others when I finished.

  Paul and I repaired the awkwardness between us, forgetting my kiss attempt all together. Thank God. He never even brought it or Lucas up. All of my school projects and finals were due that week, and then I was done. In a few short weeks, I would officially be a college graduate. About damn time.

  April 30th came—Lucas’ birthday. He was turning 30. From eavesdropping on my roommates conversations, I learned that he was going to have dinner with his family that night, but later was having people over at his house.

  Deciding that I had no choice whether we saw each other, I was getting him a present. It could be a gesture of friendship. Something to say, It was fun, but it didn’t work out. Let’s put it behind us. Honestly, I wasn’t ready to move on. All of my wounds were still fresh, but there was no time like the present. I couldn’t wallow in self-pity for the entire summer. I could put on the brave, indifferent face and swallow the hurt.

  After work, I went to the liquor store and bought him a big bottle of his favorite brand. I stopped at a dollar store to purchase a bow and decided that it was enough. Granted, his birthday gift to me was extremely thoughtful and heartfelt, but that wasn’t what we needed right now. Right now, we needed distance if I was going to survive this.

  When Wally and Charles walked over to his house, I joined them. As he stepped through the front door, Wally started singing “Happy Birthday” loudly with full vibrato. Lucas was sitting on his couch and didn’t look at us, but chuckled as Wally drew closer to him, getting higher and more intense with each word. He grabbed his shoulders and kissed him on the cheek. Lucas laughed but pushed him off. Seeing me standing in the doorway, caused him to do a double take, but he kept his smile and eyes on me as he rested his chin on his arm.

  I gave him a friendly smile, and walked over. “Happy Birthday,” I said, handing him my gift.

  “Wow,” he said, eyeing the massive bottle. “How did you even carry this?” With effort, I gave a chuckle, as if I wasn’t dying on the inside. “Thank you,” he said. “Wanna have the first drink with me.”

  “Sure,” I shrugged, because that was what I would say if none of this bothered me.

  I followed him into their tiny kitchen and waited patiently
as he opened it and poured us shots. With a grin, he handed me one. “What should we toast to?”

  His eyes were hopeful. But he needed to know that I wasn’t looking for reconciliation. “To being friends,” I said.

  He worked his lip around, but managed to not look too disappointed. “Friends,” he said and shot it back. I did the same and gave him a less than stellar hug before walking away.

  Having to be at work the next day, I couldn’t stay late, but managed to hang around long enough to see Lucas get thoroughly sloshed. More people arrived and I tried to enjoy myself, but couldn’t. No matter where I was, his eyes always found me. Those deep, dark eyes that had put my insecurities at ease. That had watched me with adoration and raked my body with lust. That had made me believe I was the different one. The special one. The one he’d change for. The eyes that had shattered me. Tangled my heart into so many twists and bends, I couldn’t unravel his hold on me.

  Eventually, his eyes mirrored my sadness, and I knew it was time to go. The last thing we needed was another public discussion about our situation—which is what would happen. I told everyone goodbye, and waved at him from across the room. But I couldn’t maneuver around the people fast enough and he made it to me before I could escape.

  I held my breath as he stood before me, unsure of what was going to come out of his mouth. Instead of saying something, his hand came to my neck and he gently pulled the silver chain hidden under my shirt. The violin made it out of the top and he gave me a pleased smile before walking off.

  I had agreed to play host to a movie night in my bedroom with Lacey and Nicole. Saturday evening, they were on my floor painting their toenails and I was on my bed trying to decide what romantic comedy we were going to indulge in.

  “You seem better,” Lacey said to me. “If you don’t mind me saying.”

  I wasn’t better. I was pretending to be. The ache inside me was crippling, ripping through me day in and out. And it was exhausting to keep it up. “I’m a wreck,” I said, burying my head in my arms to hide my face. Lacey and Nicole wasted no time, and did an awkward walk to my bed, careful not to get toenail polish on my carpet. Their arms came around me, patting and hugging, offering comfort. “I don’t know what to do,” I said. “I have to see him all the time. Do you know how hard it is to hide everything I’m feeling? I wish I’d never met him. I wish I’d never agreed to do anything with him. I should have known. I should have known from the very beginning that I couldn’t handle this.” My voice was cracking, so I stopped talking and buried my head into one of their shoulders.

  “If it makes you feel better, he’s a wreck, too,” Lacey said. “Moping around the house. Sleeping all day.”

  I wondered how she would know that, but realized it didn’t matter. Even if she was lying for my benefit, it made me feel better. “God, I’m sorry,” I said, composing myself. I sat back and wiped under my eyes. “I guess I’ve been holding it in for a few days.”

  “No, don’t worry about,” Nicole said, grabbing my hands. “That’s what we’re here for.”

  Lacey looked at me sweetly, and brushed some hair behind my ear. “You don’t have to hide it from us.”

  “I guess I just didn’t want to admit how much I really cared about him,” I said, deciding to open up. “I’ve known for a long time that I wanted more, but kept finding excuses not to. Now I don’t know if that was a good or bad thing.” I took a deep breath and continued. “Do you think he cared about me? That things would have been different had I told him?”

  “Yes,” they said in unison.

  “But you can’t dwell on that,” Nicole said. “This isn’t your fault.”

  “He messed up, Marlowe,” Lacey added. “We’ll never deny that. If I were you, I would need some time, too. I know it hurts, but you’re doing great.”

  “Each day will get easier,” Nicole said. “And maybe one day you can actually be friends, and not just pretend to be.”

  I nodded, hearing their words and hoping they were right. “Thank you,” I said. “I feel like maybe I should have been talking to you two about this all along.”

  They both gave me sweet smiles. “Well, my love life isn’t any better,” Nicole said. “Felix texted me a few weeks ago and told me he was getting back with his ex. And Lacey doesn’t have a love life at all.” She hadn’t said it in a rude way, but Lacey looked down to her lap and began fiddling with fibers on my comforter.

  “Actually…” she said. We waited for her to continue. It took her a moment but she finally started speaking again. “I have something to tell you two. I wasn’t purposefully keeping it hidden, but it felt so new and we weren’t sure where it was going, and didn’t want any awkwardness between our friends.”

  “Spit it out already,” Nicole said.

  She took a breath. “Ian and I are getting married.”

  “WHAT?” I said.

  “Your parents are going to kill you,” Nicole said.

  “How did this happen?” I said.

  “Are you pregnant?” Nicole asked.

  “No, Nicole. Jeez.” She swatted her on the arm. “He and I have a… history… sort of. It was a long time ago, but we hadn’t really seen each other in years. I didn’t want to make it a big deal, so I never said anything.”

  She and I were more alike than I realized. “Why didn’t you tell me?” Nicole asked, sounding hurt.

  “I was scared it wasn’t going to work out, but it has. I’m in love with him. And he loves me. He asked me a few weeks ago, after he’d been to see his dad. He said that he didn’t want to wait. I was who he wanted and that wasn’t going to change. He was tired of hiding it from everyone. I was going to tell you soon, but couldn’t figure out how.”

  “I would have understood,” Nicole said. I would have too.

  “I’m sorry,” she sighed. “We’ve been hiding since New Orleans. After a while, it seemed like I couldn’t tell anyone without looking ridiculous. Lucas knows but only because he caught us together. Not together together, but in a situation that clearly said we were something.”

  “You’re getting married,” I said, shocked.

  “Yeah,” she smiled, her eyes blurry. “I’m happy. Can you two forgive me from keeping it from you?”

  “Absolutely,” I said.

  Nicole still looked taken aback, trying to process everything that her friend had told her. It was obvious that it bothered her, but she took a breath, smiled and gave her a hug. “Always,” Nicole said. “I’ll always forgive you, but you have to let me help you plan everything.”

  For the rest of the night we discussed wedding plans. A date hadn’t been set, because they were waiting on Lacey to tell her parents, but it was going to be soon. Nicole took my laptop and we crowded around her as she searched the internet for decorating ideas and venues. All of my hurt fell aside as I let myself become immersed in it.

  I needed a dress. In one week, I was graduating. It was difficult not to think of my mother and sister during this time. They should be here. With me. Not in the cold ground in Northern New York. As far as I knew, my father wasn’t going to make it, but I hadn’t expected him to. I almost didn’t want to go myself, but I’d worked too hard for it, and convinced myself that the three-hour drive to my college and the long ass ceremony would be worth it. But I needed a dress.

  Nothing in my closet appealed to me. I tried on nearly all that I owned and didn’t like it. I was graduating! I needed to feel confident and accomplished. All my clothes said eh, it’s just another day. Lacey and Nicole were out of town for the weekend going on a wedding dress hunt and couldn’t help me. Wally and Charles said that there was no way in hell they were going clothes shopping, so I called the only other person I felt comfortable asking. Paul.

  He was more than eager to get out of the house and didn’t mind. We went from store to store and he patiently waited outside the fitting rooms. I only modeled the ones I really liked to him, but by four in the afternoon, we still hadn’t found the one.

&nbs
p; “This is seriously the last store I’m walking into,” I said.

  “It feels lucky,” he smiled.

  “God, I hope you’re right.”

  It was a small store, with few selections. Only two dresses were in my size—a practical black, and a soft purple. I took them both to the fitting room while Paul walked around the also limited men’s section.

  The black was nice. It had thick shoulder straps, and a high cinch just under my breasts. The length went just above my knees. I examined myself from all angles. It didn’t hug my body and flowed out. I liked it, but it was so boring. But maybe boring was good.

  Not knowing if the purple would be any better, I tried it on too. Once I finally worked the zipper up, I examined myself. The top was a halter that left my back bare from the bra line up. It stopped directly at my knees and fit me like a glove from top to bottom. Every curve was clearly visible. There was something about it. It made me feel pretty in a way I hadn’t felt lately. I fisted my hair in a messy ponytail, as I planned on for the big day to see how it looked. I loved it. So I bought it.

  Paul was standing on the street holding the door open for me as I walked to him from the register. “I told you,” he said. “This one was lucky.”

  “You were right. It’s not the dress I envisioned myself wearing, but maybe surprise is a good thing.”

  I was just about to step onto the sidewalk when someone called his name. Still holding the door, he turned towards the voice and smiled. “Come on,” he said to me and went towards it.

  Busy stuffing the dress receipt in my purse and then checking my phone, I didn’t notice who the voice was, until she said my name, too. “How do you know Paul?” Mia asked with excitement.

  Surprised, I looked at her sitting on the caged patio of a coffee shop directly next to the store we’d just been in. “We work together,” I said. “How do you know him?”

  “Uh, we met at a dinner party Amanda had,” Paul answered. “You and her sister were babysitting her daughter.”