Starting Fires

by Makenzie Smith

  “Well, thank you.” We stared at each other a moment.

  “Ride back with me,” he said.

  “Okay,” came out of my mouth before I even thought about it.

  “Charles, you take Marlowe’s car home,” Lucas said. “She’s riding with me.”

  He nodded with a knowing smile. In the parking lot, everyone piled into my Jeep, leaving Lucas and I alone for the ride home. Something told me that this might have been planned and it made me uncomfortable. I wasn’t ready to have any talks of reconciliation with him. I felt too raw and vulnerable. My head and heart weren’t agreeing yet and I was still confused.

  In his car, I made sure to sit as far away from him as possible. The first hour was filled with him singing along to the radio while I stared out of the window. A classic came on and Lucas turned it up. “Come on, you know this one Marzy,” he smiled over at me. I did.

  Missing the first lyric, I joined in on the second. “There’ll be peace when you are done,” I sang with him. “Lay your weary head to rest. Don’t you cry no more!”

  On the instrumental rift, he expertly drove while playing air guitar. I giggled as he immersed himself in it, squinting his eyes and biting his lip. When the verse came, he pointed an imaginary microphone at me. Thankful that I knew the words to Kansas’ Carry on My Wayward Son, I indulged him. “Once I rose above the noise and confusion, just to get a glimpse beyond this illusion. I was soaring ever higher, but I flew too high.” I laughed at my complete butchering of the tune, and thankfully, Lucas took over. He rolled the windows down as the chorus came, and we sang it out at the top of our lungs.

  As the song was finished, we were breathless and smiling. “My parents wanted to come,” he said. “But couldn’t get out of their plans. They wanted me to give you their congratulations.”

  I smiled at him. “That’s very sweet, but my own dad didn’t make it, so I wouldn’t have expected it.”

  “I’m sure he wanted to come,” Lucas said.

  He didn’t know my father. “Maybe,” I said. “I kept thinking he was going to call, but my phone died before the ceremony.”

  “Well, maybe he did. Here use mine.” He handed me his cell. “Call your voicemail.”

  I unlocked his phone and dialed my number. The picture of us from the festival popped up. Me looking up at him, his arm around me, smiling as if he was the happiest he’d ever been in his life. I wasn’t listed under Marzy or even Marlowe. In his phone, my contact name was Her. I wasn’t sure what it meant, and realized that he must have forgotten or he wouldn’t have let me use it. Her, I thought as my voicemail played.

  Knowing I was running out of time, I pressed the * key and typed in my password. “You have three new voice messages,” I was told.

  “First message: Where is she?” Nicole said. “Well, where are we supposed to wait for her?… It keeps going to voicemail. Maybe we can…” the rest of the message was the loud sound of the speaker bumping into things in her purse. I smiled and deleted it.

  “Next message: Marlowe, honey this is Helen.”

  “And William,” his father added. “I’m here too.”

  “And William,” Helen continued. “We just wanted to tell you how wonderful it is that you are graduating and we wish we could see you, darling. Sorry we had to miss it. Don’t you be a stranger. You come by and see us anytime you like. I hope you have a magnificent day!”

  “Congratulations,” Bill yelled from the background. Touched that they went to the trouble to call me, I saved it.

  “Next message: Baby,” Lucas’ voice rang in my ear. “I’m sorry. I know how bad I messed up. I know it.” It was the message he’d sent me in New York. I’d never deleted or listened to it, forgetting that it was even waiting for me. My eyes cut to him as he apologized through my phone. He was oblivious, looking in his blind spot as he switched lanes. “You deserve so much better than me,” he said. “I won’t call you again. This is the last message I’ll leave you. I won’t even talk to you when you come back, not unless you want me to. But I need you to know that what I did is going to haunt me forever. It was you, baby. It’s always been you, and I ruined it. I know that nothing I do will take it back, or make it better, but I want to try.” He took a strangled breath. “You are so perfect. There is so much I never told you. Either because I was scared or insecure. It won’t be that way anymore. I’ll tell you exactly what I’m feeling. What happened at the lake, I barely remember it, but I remember enough to know I wronged you. I want to make it right. Let me make it right. If you want me to, just-”

  “End of message.” He’d taken too long, and my phone cut him off. Whatever else he’d said or wanted to say, was lost. With a trembling hand, I deleted it, and handed the phone back to him.

  “He didn’t call,” I said. “But I got a message from your parents.”

  As he put his phone in his pocket, he chuckled. “Of course. She couldn’t just let me tell you the message. She had to deliver one herself.”

  I nearly brought up his. Nearly. But didn’t. It felt like it was too late. He’d left it weeks ago. “It was sweet,” I said. My fingers went to the violin around my neck. He knew it was there. It wasn’t hiding in my dress. I’d worn it to feel close to my sister and mother, but maybe I’d worn it to feel close to him, too.

  “I know you’re a college graduate now,” he said, glancing at me. His eyes went to my fingers still toying with the necklace, but then he brought them back to the rode. “I… uh…” he cleared his throat. “What I’m wondering is, if you would be interested in doing the books for me again. They’ve been a mess since you left. You wouldn’t have to do them every week. Maybe just when you could spare the time.”

  No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t let him go. I didn’t want to let him go. So I agreed.

  Mr. Yudeski offered me a job. One of the women out on maternity leave decided to stay home with her baby. If I thought he would have allowed it, I would have hugged him. After my graduation, Lucas and I were able to be around each other on a regular basis without it being awkward. I could sit next to him without getting nervous. We could smile at one another without one of us looking away in pain. From time to time, we even held conversations about our day.

  If he was at my house when I came home from work, I didn’t want to run to my room and hide. And often, I would sit with him while he and my roommates watched TV. If he stayed for dinner, I cooked for him and didn’t mind if he sat at the table next to me. For the most part, it felt like maybe we were starting to become actual friends. I don’t know what that meant for us in the future. Maybe it was too late for anything more to ever happen, but I was glad that at least he wasn’t becoming some vicious ex-lover that I would have to regret.

  It had been a couple weeks, and I was finally making good on my promise to go to the bar and do his books. His car was waiting for me as I pulled in. Inside, he was sweeping the main bar area, and had a mop bucket off in the corner. All of the chairs were up on the tables. “Don’t you hire someone to do this for you?” I smiled at him.

  “Yeah,” he said. “But they suck. I need to hire someone else. I left all the receipts and invoices on my desk for you. Let me know if you have any problems.”

  If felt strange to settle into his chair after so long. How many times had he and I snuck back here, hell bent on extinguishing the flames burning inside us and becoming lost in each other? Too many times for me to even count. This is where he sat the first time he ever told me he missed me. In the back room, we shared our first kiss. On the stage in the bar was where I first heard his beautiful voice. Burns was as much a part of our relationship as we were. Every room held some sentimental meaning to me. I rubbed my face to end my train of thought and delved into the task.

  By 4:30, I had finished. Everything was printing and I was standing, stretching my arms high overhead as I waited. Lucas popped his head in the door. “Finished up?”

  “Yep,” I smiled and lowered my arms. “No problems. But you know, now t
hat I have a degree, I can charge you double what I used to. Maybe even triple.”

  “So free bar tab won’t cut it anymore? The amount of alcohol you would have to consume…”

  “Don’t worry about it,” I laughed. “I still don’t mind doing it for free. You don’t have to pay me. Or give me free drinks.”

  While he filed the paperwork, I went out to the bar to see if Kate was working. We weren’t really friends, and for the most part, I thought she was kind of a bitch, but now it was more in an endearing way. To my disappointment, it was Gwen behind the bar.

  She huffed when she saw me, not even hiding her eye roll. “What are you doing here?” she asked.

  “Uh. Lucas asked me to come do his books. What’s your problem?”

  “Nothing,” she practically spat at me. Her scowl disappeared when Lucas walked into the bar, transforming into a smile. She asked if I wanted anything to drink. I took a Coke and watched her eye him as he walked around the room, making sure all was right before he opened the bar. It was obvious what her problem was, but if one of us was going to be spiteful, it should be me. I was certain that she had hooked up with Lucas after he and I had ended, not the other way around. “Hey Lukie are you working with me tonight? It’s been so long since we had a shift together,” she smiled at him, her voice going up an octave. Lukie? Gross.

  “No,” he said, not looking at her. “I’ve got plans.” She pouted and busied herself with wiping down counters. Deciding that I wanted to leave, I went back to the office to grab my purse. As I was pulling it out from under his desk, I heard her heels clicking towards me.

  “There’s no point to you coming here,” she told me from the doorway. “We don’t need you to do the books. Lucas has been letting my cousin do it, and it’s been working out fine. He just doesn’t want to hurt your feelings. Save him the trouble and tell him you can’t do it anymore.”

  “Well, he asked me to come,” I said. “So your cousin must be doing a shitty job.”

  Her eyes blazed and she was about to say more, but then Lucas was behind her. “What’s the problem, Gwen?”

  “Oh, nothing,” she smiled back at him, flipping her hair. “I was just telling Marzy about-”

  “Marlowe,” he corrected her. “And I heard you. If I want her to do the books, she will. And I want her to.” She hugged the doorframe as she pouted at him. “You can leave,” he said.

  With a huff, she walked off and he gave me a wide look. “I’m sorry,” he said, walking into the room. “I don’t know what her issue is.”

  “Yes, you do,” I said.

  He looked guilty for a second and then said. “Yeah, I do.”

  “Lukie?” I smiled, making fun of him and trying to make this situation less uncomfortable.

  He gave a light chuckle, but I could tell that he didn’t actually think it was funny. “It was just the one time, and we didn’t even have-”

  “Stop,” I said. “I don’t want to know about it. It’s none of my business.”

  “Right,” he said and smoothed his hands along his pants. “Before you go, there’s something I want to give you.”

  He pulled open a drawer and handed me a picture frame. In it was the photo Lacey had taken at my graduation. “Aww,” I said. “Lucas, I love it.” Ian and Lacey were at one end, his arm wrapped around her shoulders and smooshing their faces together. They looked sweet and in love. Wally and Nicole were at the other end, his arm draped over her shoulders, his mouth open, mid word. Nicole had her hip jutted out with a radiant smile. Charles was crouching by her side, flexing his bicep. And Lucas and I were in the middle, his arm around my waist, and his jaw resting against the top of my head. Given everything that had just transpired, seeing it made my throat feel tight. “I need to go, but thank you,” I said as I walked out of his office. “It’s perfect,” I told him in lieu of goodbye.

  He was smiling sadly as he propped against his desk. As I turned the corner to take the back exit, I heard him say, “So are you,” softly.

  Chapter 31

  The summer was bringing happiness. Work was going well, and my friend was getting married. But there was still a void in me. I found myself looking forward to every Saturday at Burns. I even arrived early, hoping that Lucas and I would have time alone. Why? I don’t know. Because I never talked to him about us. I didn’t flirt with him or give him shy smiles. We rarely even spoke. And on some level, I knew that if he tried to talk to me about us, I would stop him. I didn’t know what I wanted, or what I was doing. I was being stubborn and only hurting myself.

  In a few days, we were having a barbeque to celebrate Ian and Lacey’s upcoming nuptials. I knew that Mia would be there, so I invited Paul.

  “You want me to go to a wedding shower for Lacey and Ian?” he asked. “I don’t even know them.”

  “I know,” I said. “But… Mia will be there. I thought maybe you’d want to see her again.”

  He raised his eyes to me, tapping his pen against his desk. This was his I’m thinking deep thoughts move. “Did she ask you to invite me?”

  “No,” I said. “But I know she’d like to see you.”

  He looked thoughtful. “How old is she?”

  “21.”

  “Marlowe, I’m 29.”

  “So. Maybe she’ll be turning 22 soon. I’m not sure when her birthday is.”

  “Yeah, and then maybe I’ll be 30. She’s too young for me.”

  “Why? That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard. She’s an adult. What’s age matter anyway?”

  He sighed. “Eight years is a big difference. Especially where she is. 21? Do you remember being 21? It was all bars and clubs. She has so much to figure out. There’s no point to even starting anything.”

  “What happened to ‘I just don’t want to be alone anymore’?” I asked.

  “I realized how stupid it is.”

  “Alright. Fine.” I took a sticky note from his desk and jotted her number down. Yes, I memorized it for this exact encounter. “If you change your mind, give her a call.”

  Even though he tried to hide it, I saw the wheels turning. He was thinking about it.

  Nicole was flitting from room to room, putting white frilly decorations on everything. All of the clichés were hit. Wedding bells. Doves. Dual rings. Lacey couldn’t take it anymore. No matter where she told her to put something, Nicole came back with, “Don’t you think it looks better this way?”

  After the fifth time, Lacey rolled her eyes and grabbed my arm. “Come on,” she whispered, and led me up to my room. When the door closed, she fell back on my bed with a thump. “She’s driving me crazy,” she said. “God, love her,” she laughed, “but I’m about to punch her in the face.”

  “She’s really getting into this,” I said, sitting beside her.

  “I know. And I’m glad. I’ve hardly had to do anything. But she’s sort of taken over.”

  “Want me to tell her to stop?”

  “No, no,” she sighed. “She loves this. It’s not that big of a deal to me. I just need to get away for a second.”

  I wondered if she was nervous. In a little under two months, she would be a Mrs. not a Miss. “Are you scared?” I asked. “About getting married I mean.”

  Wistfully, she looked towards the ceiling. “No.” On a heartfelt sigh, she moved into a sitting position. “I wish it didn’t have to be so fast, but I’m not scared. This is what I want.”

  “Why is it happening so fast?”

  “You know about Ian’s dad?”

  “A little. I’ve heard Lucas and Charles talking about it before, but I don’t really know what’s happening with him.”

  Her legs crossed under her. “He has lung cancer. It was in remission but returned. Ian’s afraid that he’s going to be gone soon. He wants him to be there for this, and so do I.”

  That was heartbreakingly understandable. “Poor Ian,” I said.

  “I know. We dated, Ian and I, a long time ago. We were only in high school. I knew his dad then. Th
e difference is hard to see.” Her eyes glistened with unshed tears. “But I’m happy that he’ll get to be a part of this.”

  “Why didn’t you tell us about you and Ian?” I asked. “I mean right from the get go that you two had a history.”

  “Gosh,” she smiled. “We were just kids then, and I was a completely different person. We didn’t exactly end well, so I wasn’t sure how he would receive me being around again. But then he acted as if he didn’t even remember me. It was so embarrassing that I didn’t want to say anything.”

  “What changed?”

  “It was in New Orleans.” A bashful smile passed over her face. “The night we stayed there, he told me that he’d never gotten over me. Of course, I was shocked. But then some things happened.” Another red-faced smile. “We started doing what you and Lucas were. Hiding it.”

  They were much more successful. Or maybe I was just blinded by my own issues to care about what she was doing. I was a shitty person.

  “And after a while,” she continued, “something just changed. He was all I could think about and I would get so excited every time he was near me. It changed for him too. Around Valentine’s Day he told me that he loved me. That he was in love with me. And I realized that I was in love with him too.”

  “I’m happy for you,” I smiled. “But can I ask you something?” She nodded. “How do you understand what he says? Half the time I can barely figure the words out.”

  “He is quiet,” she laughed, “but I could hear his voice out of a thousand.” The love she felt was clear. It was in every smile, and every word. It shone out of her skin like a beacon, and made me painfully aware of the absence of it in my life.

  We came downstairs after Nicole had finished decorating. Our house was covered in white. My table had a tower of cupcakes on it with a few presents scattered around them. My gift of ten purple plates was sitting off to the side. Ian and Lacey were going to be getting their own place and had already signed a lease on an apartment. Lucas would be all alone in his house now.