Starting Fires

by Makenzie Smith

  “Hey Marlowe,” someone said as they took the chair next to me. I looked up and saw Nicole’s cousin, Michael.

  “Hey,” I smiled politely. “How are you?” I noticed that no one was with him. If he’d found a girl, he hadn’t brought her.

  He crossed his legs and settled in, much to my dismay. His eyes still held a twinkle when they looked at me. Tonight would be the night I told him that I wasn’t and would never be interested. The thought made me uncomfortable.

  “I’m good,” he said. “Can you believe they’re getting married? I didn’t even know she was dating him.”

  I chuckled. “Yeah. They were pretty mysterious about it, I guess.” I faced forward and noticed that someone had taken the seat next to Wally. I knew those shoes, and the set of those legs. A lump formed in my throat and I adjusted in my seat, trying to catch a glimpse of him. When Wally leaned forward, I saw him. Only his profile, but the sight gave me chill bumps. His hair was wild and messy, and his light blue shirt stretched tight across his chest. I might have only stared at him for a few seconds, but it felt like an eternity. This man was nearly mine. As Wally sat back again, I swallowed and looked down to my lap.

  “Get your fill?” Wally whispered to me. “I can lean back down if you want me to.”

  “Shut up,” I whispered, my face heating. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

  “Right,” he said at full volume.

  There were still a few minutes to spare and Michael talked my ear off through them. I was polite and engaged him, but it was hard for me to concentrate with Lucas so near.

  Finally, the music started playing as Ian helped his father walk to the tree. He was using an oxygen tank and leaning on a cane. The sight made me emotional. In a few months, he might not be here, and they’d made it a point to include him as much as they could. How could her parents be upset with her for wanting to do that?

  Once they were settled, Nicole came out wearing a light pink, sleeveless dress that stopped at her knees. She spotted me in the audience and gave me a tiny wave. I chuckled and waved back. Once she was at the makeshift altar, the wedding march began, and we all stood. Lacey didn’t have a flower girl. It was just her and her father coming around the side of the house. She was a vision. Stunning. Her dress was simple as were her hair and makeup but I’d never seen her look more beautiful. As she approached Ian, his smile grew wider and wider. It wasn’t until her father gave her away that I realized I was crying. Only a few tears, but I quickly wiped them away.

  The wedding was fast. No drawn out speeches or words. It was straight and to the point. Before I knew it, the preacher was announcing them Mr. and Mrs. Ian Davis. We clapped and cheered as they shared their first kiss as husband and wife and then made their way down the aisle.

  “That was crazy fast,” Wally said.

  “I know,” Lucas and I said at the same time. Wally smiled from ear to ear, but I cleared my throat. Lucas pretended as if I hadn’t spoken at all.

  The drive to the hunting lodge was only about twenty minutes, but I had to ride it by myself. Wally chose to go with Lucas. Some date he was. I’m sure that Michael would have ridden with me had I asked, but I wasn’t going there.

  You wouldn’t think that a hunting lodge could be romantic, but it was beautiful. It was a huge wooden building with a large veranda off to the side, overlooking a lake. Woods and other cabins outlined the area. Inside all the hunting flair had been taken down and replaced with flowers and ribbons or bows.

  My date was talking with Ian, Lucas, and Charles. Priscilla was tight on Charles’ arm, and Lacey was standing next to Ian. I needed to tell them congratulations. Swallowing my nerves, I walked to them with a bright smile, trying not to give away how freaked out I was.

  As Lacey saw me, a huge smile overcame her. “I’m so happy for you,” I said giving her a hug.

  “Thank you,” she said. “This is the most wonderful I’ve felt in my entire life. I can’t even think straight.”

  “You look beautiful,” I said.

  Her sweet face blushed and then she pulled me in for another hug. She gave me an extra-long squeeze before softly saying, “Loving someone is scary, but it’s the greatest feeling in the world. Don’t be too scared, Marlowe.” My eyes nervously went to Lucas. He was watching us, but looked away when we made eye contact. “You’re going to regret it one day.”

  Hearing someone call me out on my issues, made my eyes water. “I’ll try to remember that,” I said feebly.

  She pulled back and smiled again. Wanting to get away, afraid that she would say something else, I stepped up to Ian. “Congratulations,” I said, and gave him an outstretched hand. “I’m happy for you, too.”

  “Thanks,” he said, grinning from ear to ear. Instead of shaking my hand, he hugged me tightly. After he let go, I excused myself to the restroom, needing a moment to compose myself. When I returned, I spotted an empty table and took a seat.

  I don’t know how long I sat there by myself. Time seemed to slow. Periodically, I would spot Lucas and watch him for a second, but turn away unable to bear it for long. His mother and father were there. But so far, they hadn’t approached me. After the way I’d acted the last time they saw me, they were probably afraid to. Someone dropped off a glass of punch. I didn’t even see who it was. It had been finished for a while when Michael approached me. “Want to dance?” His eyes were alight with playfulness.

  Now was as good a time as any. “As friends?” I pointedly asked him.

  His eyes lost their flare. “Yeah, as friends.”

  As we approached the dance floor, it was obvious that he regretted asking me. His body was stiff, all the playfulness gone. While we moved, I tried to think of a way to take the sting out of my rejection. Not knowing any other way, I said, “I’m sorry. It’s just… there’s sort of someone else.”

  “I figured,” he smiled. “I saw the way you two have been looking at each other all night. But I’d hoped… ah never mind.” It must have been only my glances that he’d noticed. As far as I could tell, Lucas was staying as far away from me as possible.

  Once the song was over, Wally approached us. “May I cut in,” he said overly cheesy. Michael handed me to him, and I went into his arms with a smile.

  “It’s about time,” I grinned. “What good is a date if I never even see you?”

  “Got shit to do woman,” he said playfully. “Can’t expect me to be at your beck and call.”

  I chuckled and let him lead me around with no rhyme or reason. A few times, he stepped on my foot, but I couldn’t decide if it was on purpose or not. Eventually, the floor crowded and we weren’t able to flounce around as before.

  I was holding onto his shoulders when I saw Lucas dancing with a girl I didn’t know. She was pretty and it made my heart ache. They turned and he caught me staring, but didn’t look away. For what felt like a lifetime, we eyed one another. It was remarkable what could be said without ever having to utter a single word.

  I want you.

  I’m sorry.

  I need you.

  It’s too late.

  You were the one.

  The only one.

  The girl in his arms spoke to him, and he broke eye contact. I huffed and rested my chin on Wally’s shoulder. He turned with me and after a second, pulled back.

  “Do you think I’m happy, Marlowe?” he asked out of nowhere.

  “Yeah,” I answered honestly. “You seem happy.”

  “I’m fucking miserable,” he said. “All the time.”

  My body grew tense, unsure where he was going with this. “I didn’t know that.”

  “Nobody does. Because I don’t want people to. But every day I have to force myself to get out of bed. I have to force myself to put on a smile, because my family hates me, I’m nearly thirty years old and I have nothing to show for it. I have a job that I thankfully love, but will be hard pressed to ever make money doing it. I suck. I contribute literally nothing to society.”

&nbs
p; Hearing him talk this way about himself made me defensive for him. “Don’t say that,” I said. “You’re wonderful. I love being around you.”

  “Thanks,” he smirked, turning us again. “But let me tell you something. All my life I’ve felt like I didn’t belong anywhere. No place was right for me. Finally I said screw it, I’m just going to do what I want, and I’ve been saying that for years, but I still haven’t found a place that I belong. I’m still searching.”

  My brows went in. “Wally, that’s so sad. You don’t feel like you belong with us?”

  “Of course, I do,” he said. “But that’s not what I’m getting at. I mean being loved, Marlowe. Truly loved for everything that I am. And if I had for just one second what you and Lucas have, I wouldn’t be throwing it away. I’ve seen you with him. I’ve seen him with you. You light each other up so bright sometimes it’s hard to be around you. Why do you want to throw all that away?” he asked.

  “I don’t know,” I confessed. “It feels lost. Like we can’t go back.”

  “Who says you have to? Go forward. Start over. And sweets, it’s not lost. Not yet.”

  Thankfully, the music stopped. Given what he’d just said, I wasn’t sure how much longer I could dance. In the silence that followed, I searched the crowd for Lucas, but he was nowhere to be seen. The DJ announced that it was time for the father/daughter dance and we cleared the floor as Lacey and her dad walked to the center. When the violins started playing, and her father’s eyes filled with unshed tears, I decided that I needed a breath of fresh air.

  Without stopping to speak to anyone, I went through the glass doors and onto the veranda. The cool, summer breeze ruffled my hair as I stepped out. I took a breath and walked to the railing to admire the view. The lake was stunning at this time of day. The setting sun gave the surface of the water a warm glow that rippled and danced with the breeze. In the distance, I saw a small boat, a man casting a fishing rod off the side. I wasn’t at the edge of the lake, but I realized that this scene was so much like the painting I’d bought in New Orleans. Or that Lucas had bought me. A girl in a purple dress, staring out into the water. The difference was that girl seemed to be figuring everything out. I, on the other hand, still didn’t have a clue.

  For a few minutes, I closed my eyes and let the rare Louisiana, summer wind rush over me. Inside, I heard a few squeals and turned to look over my shoulder. People were gathering in the center of the room. And Lucas was standing against the side of the building, one foot propped on the wall. “Looks like they’re throwing the bouquet,” he said.

  How long had he been out here? The whole time? I hadn’t heard the door open. “I’ll pass,” I said and looked back to the water to hide my glassy eyes.

  His feet started moving on the wooden deck, and I listened intently, trying to decide if he was going inside or coming to me. After a few steps, I realized they were approaching. I took a breath and tried to settle myself. “Yeah, it’s not really your style,” he said, leaning next to me on the railing.

  “No,” was all I offered. In silence, we stared out at the water. Was Wally right? Could it be that easy? Just forget all the past and start fresh? I’d done it with my father and those had been some serious issues to work through, but I was hopeful about us.

  “I’m selling the bar,” he said. “And my house.”

  “Are you going to open your store?” I asked.

  “Yeah.” This was good. Great even. It meant he was living for himself and not those around him. “You know,” he continued. “You’re the only person who ever told me to do it. I talked with a few others, Candace, Charles, Ian, even Kate, but they all told me to keep it. They said it seemed too big a risk. You were the only one who told me to go for it.”

  “You deserve happiness,” I said. “If selling it is going to give that to you, then you should do it.” I realized that he’d also said he was selling his house. Why would he be doing that? Was he leaving? The thought made my emotions flip. “But why are you selling your house?” I asked quietly.

  “I’m moving to Florida,” he said. “There’s a good opportunity for me there.”

  He’d said it like it was nothing, and even sounded excited. Was he leaving because of what had happened between us? I couldn’t imagine living in my house without him being across the street. His absence would be a sledgehammer to my heart. The thought alone brought tears to my eyes. “I don’t want you to leave,” I said, sounding nasally and heartbroken.

  His eyes bore into mine. “Why?” he asked.

  This was another moment. A moment that could define us. If I didn’t take it now, it would slip through my fingers as the last one had. My mouth opened and closed while he waited for me to answer.

  “Tell me why,” he pleaded.

  The veranda doors opened and a horde of people walked out, all carrying lanterns. Lucas sighed, running a hand through his hair. As he walked off, he gave me a sad shrug. I would have followed him, but Nicole was suddenly in front of me, handing me a lantern as well. “We’re going to light them,” she smiled. “And then let them float up into the air. Just like in Tangled!” She started pushing me towards the stairs, and I craned my neck trying to see him. He was walking back into the building. Later, I told myself. After this is through, I’ll find him.

  The lanterns were lit and sent off into the air. Everyone lingered on the grass to watch them float higher and higher, but I didn’t. I went after him. I searched the entire lodge and grounds. Eventually I made my way to the parking lot, but his car was gone. He’d left.

  Chapter 36

  The following week his bar and house were for sale. It didn’t even look like he was staying at his home anymore. I never saw his car, and the few times I’d driven by the bar, it wasn’t there either. It was really happening. He was leaving, going somewhere else to start a new life. He was moving on, and I couldn’t believe that I was going to let him.

  I found myself walking around in a haze, not communicating with my roommates or friends. I got up and showered because I was supposed to. I went looking for jobs because I needed to. All I really wanted to do was lay in my bed and cry, but I couldn’t let myself be that weak.

  After the wedding, I’d barely seen him, and found myself begging for anything that would let me feel connected to him.

  Running into his mother at the grocery store ended up being a welcomed shock. I’d been reaching down for a can of peaches and when I came up, suddenly she was standing right next to me. My head jerked back in surprise. “Helen?” I smiled. “What are you doing here?” They lived thirty miles away. This was quite a drive for groceries.

  “William and I are visiting some friends,” she said with a smile. “They want me to make blackberry pie. Not many places around here carry the ingredients. But, oh is it good to see you,” she said, pulling me in for a hug.

  “You, too. I, uh, saw you at the wedding,” I said when she let me go.

  “And I saw you. Such a beauty you are. I’m sorry we didn’t make time to speak to you, but I wasn’t sure…”

  “I understand,” I said. “Things are different. I wasn’t sure either.”

  “Have you heard about Lucas?”

  “That he’s moving?” She nodded, pulling her mouth to the side in a slight pucker. “Yes. He told me. Do you know when?”

  “He’s been staying with William and I. Oh, William is going to be so sad that he missed you,” she interjected, but continued. “Anyway, as far as I know he hasn’t sold the house yet.”

  “How does Mr. William feel about the bar being for sale?”

  “Well,” she looked down in thought. “At first he was sad, but he and Lucas had a nice long talk. I think he’s fine with it now.”

  “That’s good,” I said, staring at my peaches.

  We were silent and I was about to tell her goodbye when she said, “That boy’s an idiot,” making me chuckle. “Ooo, I could have skinned him alive when Candace showed up at the lake. I love her momma and daddy, but she’s mor
e trouble than she’s worth.” Helen grabbed me by the arm as she started walking down the aisle. “I’ve been telling him and telling him not to mess around with her, but he doesn’t have a lick of sense.”

  “Can’t say that I don’t agree with you,” I smiled, finding it odd that I could smile about something that had left me so brokenhearted, but there was something about Helen. Her presence brought a peace. She was the type of woman that if you needed comfort, you’d seek her out—knowing that, no matter what the problem was, she’d take you into her arms and hug the pain away.

  She reached up and grabbed a pack of flour, putting it in her basket. “I’m so sorry, honey,” she said, unable to look at me. “Bill, Mia, and I, we just didn’t know what to say or if we would make things worse. So we kept our mouths shut, and maybe we shouldn’t have. Then he came to the house just lit up with you. You were all he could talk about.” She brought her eyes to mine and smiled. “That’s the kind of love a mother wants for her baby boy. I’d hoped that when you came by it would mean…” She paused. “Oh, I don’t know. Just something.”

  “Me, too, Helen,” I said then took a breath. “But it’s okay. I’m okay.” I don’t know who I was trying to convince, her or me, but I don’t think either of us were buying it.

  “Do you want me to tell Lucas that I saw you?” she asked.

  I didn’t know what good it would do, so I shrugged. “It was nice to see you,” I said and gave her another hug, hoping that it wouldn’t be the last.

  A few days later, I was standing in front of the door at Burns. Wally and Charles had approached me, saying that Lucas had officially quit the band. Tonight was going to be the last time they played together. Word had gotten out and a large crowd had come to see them off. The parking lot was full and they didn’t perform for another hour and a half. This was a bittersweet moment. On the one hand, Lucas was finally doing what he wanted and I was proud of him. On the other, this would be the last time I’d see him sing on that stage, and we weren’t at a place that we could share this meaningful event together. Taking a breath, I pushed through the door.