His hands balled into fists as he struggled to contain his anger and speak. It was all just too much, seeing what he could have had and had lost. Amelie started sucking on Natalie’s finger, and that simple, beautiful action from such an innocent little life broke down what was left of his barriers.
“Our child would have been two years old by now,” Vance said through his tears. “Two years. I should have been a father and she took that away from me, even though she knew how badly I wanted children. A piece of her, of us, could have still been here, but she couldn’t do it and she took that from me and lied about it. How could she do that? How could she do that to me?”
His head fell into his hands and he couldn’t face his friends any longer. They let him cry, too stunned to do anything else. Natalie took on the weight of telling them what he couldn’t. He heard her voice as she explained about both pregnancies, the abortion and the lies. He heard it all, but he couldn’t respond or comment. Too lost in his own pain, he rocked back and forth as every thought and emotion he had avoided for weeks shoved its way in and demanded to be dealt with.
Vance had no idea how long he sat there wallowing in his own misery. Nothing affected him until a weight settling on the cushion next to him was punctuated by a soft, warbling noise. His eyes red and wet, he pulled his hands away from his face and was greeted by Amelie’s happy face. Her pudgy little hand was smashed against her face as she tried and failed to find a finger good enough to stick in her mouth and settled for sucking on the side of her hand. Slobber dripped down her fist, landing in sticky puddles on Natalie’s skirt.
Amelie’s head, supported by Natalie, wobbled a bit as she reached out with the hand not in her mouth and batted at Vance. He wasn’t sure he could or should hold the little girl with all the toxic emotions swimming around inside of him, but Natalie lifted the baby and smoothly transferred her into his arms. The moment he took hold of her, she flopped her head against his chest and closed her eyes. Seconds later she was asleep.
“It’s okay that you’re angry,” Natalie said softly, “and I can’t imagine what you must be feeling trying to deal with the loss of those two little lives. It’s not something that can be replaced and forgotten, but you will be a father one day, and you’ll be a wonderful dad. I have no doubt about that.” She reached over and gently trailed her fingers against Amelie’s cheek.
“Why aren’t you afraid to touch kids?” Vance asked, not quite ready to address what she’d said.
Natalie smiled. “Because they’re too pure and sweet to hurt others. They’re beautiful little lights in an otherwise dark and frightening world. They’ve never scared me. Babysitting and being around children when I was young was the one thing that brought me happiness and that hasn’t changed.”
“Do you want children?” Vance asked.
A sly, teasing look blossomed on her face, so novel it caught Vance by surprise. “With you?” she asked, “or in general?”
Red flushed his cheeks as embarrassment overrode his pain for a moment. “I meant, uh, you know, in general. Not specifically…with me.”
Natalie laughed at his response, a beautiful and happy sound. “Yes, I’ve always wanted children. I just never thought it was something that would happen for me.”
“Why not?” Vance asked, though he thought he already knew the answer.
“Well, given that I can barely touch a man, sex seemed like a bit of a stretch, and even though I was sheltered growing up, I am familiar with the process of procreation, believe it or not.”
She said it all with a teasing smile, taking down Vance’s turmoil and pain with every word. The way she spoke to him was different than usual. He recognized that, but what exactly made it different he couldn’t immediately figure out. Not until her quivering fingers left her lap where they had been pressed against her thighs and one hand slipped onto his leg. He could feel her trembling through his jeans. She had laughed and teased like she wouldn’t usually do, and he realized she was doing something else she wouldn’t usually do. Opening herself up in a way that could truly damage her, but she did it willingly.
“You can touch me,” Vance said as he freed one hand from holding Amelie and covered hers. Their fingers linked together and for once, it seemed to calm Natalie rather than induce even more anxiety. “You touch me more comfortably every time, you let me hold you when we sleep, and you want children, but…”
“But I’ve never trusted someone enough to let them get this close to me without running away.”
Vance swallowed hard and squeezed her hand. “You trust me that much?”
She nodded and took a deep breath. “Vance, we both have things in our pasts we’re trying to overcome. It’s terrifying to face all the emotions and pain that brings up…for both of us. Moving forward won’t be easy, either, but I want to do it with you.”
“So do I,” Vance said. “Spending time with you has already helped me so much, but tonight made me realize I need to stop thinking I can do it all on my own. I need to start seeing my therapist again to deal with all this anger and guilt, but that doesn’t mean I need or want you in my life any less. You’ve been an amazing friend through all of this.”
“I learned from the best,” she said with a soft smile.
Getting over the pain of losing both Stephanie and their two unborn children would take longer than Vance could really understand. Starting over with Natalie didn’t erase that pain, but knowing he had a future with her and a chance to find those joys he felt had been stripped from him did help dull the edge. He and Natalie still had miles to go before a touch didn’t require so much courage and sex and children were a legitimate possibility, but it was something to work toward rather than feeling like he was banging his head against the wall hoping for something that would never happen.
Vance wasn’t sure where everyone had gone after his breakdown, but he didn’t mind just sitting on the couch with Natalie and Amelie for a few more minutes. It was closer to half an hour before the others returned from wherever they had been—a nearby park judging by the grass stains on Warren’s knees—but by the time they all piled back into the apartment Vance was composed and ready to face them.
Leila was the first to throw her arms around him and burst into tears. It made him tear up again to see how affected she was by learning the truth, and her heartfelt love and compassion gave him strength. Warren didn’t really seem to understand what all the crying was about, but he offered Vance a hug too, and asked if he could come play with him again soon like he used to. Charlotte pulled him off Vance with a smile and a roll of her eyes.
“Really, it’s no rush to have him over. He’s just been missing his uncle like everyone else,” Charlotte said as she squeezed his hand. Her expression changed as her thoughts slipped from Warren to something more serious. “I know with my chemo treatments I haven’t been around much and we haven’t been able to get to know each other as much as I would like, but please, if you need to talk, I’m always here. I know you have a lot of support already, but losing a spouse unexpectedly, it’s not worse than other kinds of losses, but it’s…” She shrugged as her eyes teared up and she struggled to find the right words. “It’s just different, I guess, and sometimes you need to talk to someone who’s been through that.”
Emotion constricted his throat at her offer. Vance knew Charlotte’s first husband had been killed very suddenly right after Warren was born and it had understandably affected her very deeply, but he hadn’t even thought to share what he’d been feeling with her, even though he was sure she would have understood much of what he had been going through. Hiding in his apartment had seemed like the only option at the time, and now he thought himself an idiot for having ignored so much love and support.
“Thank you, Charlotte,” he said. “I think that would be a great idea.”
She smiled and then cringed as Warren launched himself off a barstool and crashed onto his knees. She excused herself quickly and left Vance to face Guy, Eli, and Leo, his three cl
osest friends. They had all suffered through medical school and psychiatric residencies together, and he knew they all had loads of advice and counseling in their back pockets, but none of them tried to preach to him.
“I wish you would have told us about Steph,” Eli said, “but I think we all understand why you didn’t. That’s not an easy thing to talk about.”
“Just know we are all very sorry about your loss of both Stephanie and the pregnancies, and we are all here to help and talk when you need it,” Guy said. His brow creased and a deeper sadness lined his features. “Sabine, she knew about this, yes?”
Vance nodded, feeling suddenly very guilty for not having gotten in contact with Sabine since the funeral. Talking to her meant facing everything that had happened with Steph and he hadn’t been about to dig up enough courage or desire to do that. He knew he had probably hurt Sabine by avoiding her and now regretted shutting her out.
“Sabine has not been herself the last few weeks and I think this is why. You will speak to her, yes? I think she is very upset about Stephanie and the hurt she caused you,” Guy said.
“I’ll call her tonight and apologize. I think I have a lot of apologizing to do,” he said with a sigh. Sabine wasn’t the only one he had been avoiding. His entire family probably thought he was off the deep end by now. He didn’t relish telling his parents the truth, but he knew he at least needed to call and reassure them that he was still alive and surviving.
Leo stepped forward, usually the least outspoken of their friends, and clapped him on the shoulder. “And just for the record, I think we all really like Natalie. It’ll take a while to get used to it not being Steph with you after so long, but she’s great.”
Relief that they were willing to accept her finally brought a small smile to his face. “Thank you, really.”
Their conversation was interrupted when Leila nearly bowled him over with Natalie close behind looking thoroughly chastised. “Why didn’t you tell me about this gala you’re going to tomorrow?” she demanded. “You didn’t think to make sure Natalie had a dress suitable for a black tie event?”
Eli rolled his eyes and Guy chuckled. Vance didn’t really know what to say. “Uh, I didn’t even think about it.”
Leila threw up her hands. “I assume you have a tux, at least?”
“Of course I do,” he said with a shrug. Between two weddings in the last year and various work functions he attended, it would have been more shocking if he hadn’t had a tux in his closet.
Leila crinkled her nose at him in annoyance. “This is Natalie’s first big party. You should have made sure she had something appropriate to wear. Really.” She huffed and turned her back on him. “Natalie, I’ll be at the studio first thing in the morning. You’ll meet me there and I’ll get you taken care of.”
It wasn’t so much a question as a demand, and Leila walked off muttering to herself about men and fashion. Eli was still grinning and shaking his head. All Guy said was, “At least it is not Sabine here making a fuss, yes?”
Vance laughed, agreeing completely. He loved Sabine, but she was a monster when it came to fashion and dressing the part. The others all dispersed to get back to dinner and setting up the poker table, but Natalie walked up to him nervously and asked, “I didn’t think the dress would be that big of a deal. Leila seemed really upset.”
“Leila is a marketing director turned fashion designer, and she’s also a new mom who hasn’t been away from the baby for weeks and is dying to have something to do,” he said with a laugh. “Leila’s wonderful and she’ll get you all taken care of.”
Natalie didn’t look completely convinced. “Will you come with me?”
“You’re staying the night with me, right?” he asked.
“Of course,” Natalie replied, like it was a silly question to ask.
Her response made him smile. “I’ll drive you over in the morning.”
She sighed in relief. “Thanks.”
“I’m sorry I didn’t think to ask if you had a dress. I’ve never really had to worry about that kind of thing before. Steph always had ten outfits for every possible occasion. It didn’t even cross my mind to ask you.”
“It’s okay, really. I should have considered it myself, but I was really trying not to think about it at all, to be perfectly honest.” She grimaced considering it now.
Vance touched her cheek, testing to make sure it was okay before pressing his palm flat against her cheek reassuringly. “It’s going to be fine, I promise. These things really aren’t that bad. It’s usually just a lot of standing around or eating.”
“Donald said there would be dancing.” As she said dancing, her face paled.
“We don’t have to dance,” Vance said. He slipped his other hand onto her waist. “Unless you want to.”
Uncertainty flashed in her eyes, but she didn’t pull away. Natalie was saved from answering when Eli called out that dinner was ready and Warren went tearing through the apartment squealing with joy about finally having good food. Vance stifled a smile, thinking Guy must have been doing the cooking at their house lately, and stepped away from Natalie.
He had come that night for dinner, poker, and a chance to get away from his apartment, and had instead ended up having a breakdown, unloading all of his and Stephanie’s secrets, and getting into a discussion about having children with the woman he had only been seeing for a few weeks—and not even officially at that. So much of his hurt and pain had been soaked up and assuaged by the loving support of his friends. The relief of leaning on them was palpable. Oddly, it was the conversation with Natalie that he couldn’t get out of his head more than anything else.
They were holding hands as they walked, so when Vance stopped suddenly, it jerked Natalie into stopping as well. She turned back and looked at him questioningly, but too many thoughts were racing through his head in that moment for him to respond.
What was it Leila had said about Natalie that night, that she adored him and maybe even…loved him? Venting his anger over Stephanie hadn’t eliminated those emotions, but it had cleared his heart and mind, opened it up to healing and seeing the truth. He didn’t understand how quickly he had been able to form a bond with Natalie. It was there before Stephanie died, but it had grown deeper and more profound, like sinking through quicksand over the last few weeks.
He would always miss Stephanie and love her, but the thought of going to bed without Natalie pained him not because he didn’t want to be alone, but because he truly wanted to be with her. No ulterior motives, no need born of circumstance. Natalie didn’t just trust him enough to give him the chance to hurt her terribly, she loved him enough to take the risk. It was like a slap in the face to realize she wasn’t alone. Somehow, in the midst of his grief and anger, he had fallen in love with her completely by accident.
“Vance, are you okay?” Natalie asked in concern.
A soft smile broke across his mouth as he squeezed her hand. “I’m fine.”
Chapter 28
The Difference
The prep work involved in getting ready for the gala was enough to make Natalie never want to attend one again, all on its own. Leila had certainly come through with a gorgeous black dress, but Natalie was so horrified by the prospect of wearing it that it was still hanging on the back of her bathroom door as she stood with her robe clutched tightly around her trembling body.
Vance called through the door to remind her that they needed to be leaving soon, which certainly didn’t help her nerves. He had yet to see the dress, at Leila’s insistence, but Natalie felt certain he would have raised an eyebrow at it if he had.
There was nothing wrong with the dress. It was simply more revealing than what Natalie was comfortable with. She knew she should have said something that morning when Leila was tossing her into dress after dress to find one that fit without the need for alterations, but it had been stressful enough to be shut up with Leila in the dressing room that she’d just done as ordered and kept her mouth shut.
Now,
Natalie stood staring at the dress biting her bottom lip so hard it was beginning to ache. The black velvet looked positively luxurious. Natalie was sure it would feel wonderful against her skin. She thought the silk detailing added a certain dramatic flair to the dress. One of the biggest problems was the sections of sheer fabric through the bodice. While equally black, they hid nothing, and Natalie was all about hiding.
The other biggest problem was the skin, or rather, the amount of her skin left exposed. Talking with Vance about her past had helped tremendously over the past week, but the idea of exposing so much of her body was a huge struggle. She knew she would stand out in the dress, but she had no other alternatives. She would stick out even worse showing up in something more appropriate for work. Since she rarely went out and never attended these sorts of things, her wardrobe was sadly limited. It was Leila’s dress or nothing at all.
Sighing and wishing physical harm upon her boss for roping her into such a frightening ordeal, she slipped out of her robe and took the dress off the hanger. She had been right about the dress feeling absolutely wonderful, but she had been equally right about how revealing it was. The midsection, coupled with the fact that the dress was strapless, nearly sent her into meltdown mode.
“Natalie?” Vance called through the door. She didn’t answer. “Nat, honey, we really should get going if you don’t want to be late.”
Late? She didn’t want to go at all. Late was fine with her. Had Vance called her Nat? A nickname? That seemingly random thought did wonders for her anxiety. No one had ever given her a nickname before. Even when she’d been Clara, nobody ever dared to or bothered with shortening it or calling her anything but her full name. As Natalie, no one knew her well enough to give her one either, though that was entirely of her own making. She’d never before considered the lack of having a nickname before that moment, but she found she rather liked having one.
The Only Shark In The Sea (The Date Shark Series Book 3) Page 24
