“I know, and I’m sorry,” he said honestly. “I promise to make it up to everyone.”
Sniffing, she pulled back and jabbed a finger against his chest. “You better. I’m keeping you to your promise of babysitting.”
A new kind of guilt swept over him. “How has she been? Is she sleeping enough for you to get some rest?” He’d had every intention of smothering little Amelie with attention after her birth so Eli and Leila could get the rest they needed, but had failed miserably.
“She sleeps about four hours at a time at night. It’s a little tiring, but we’re doing fine.” She looked up at him with real concern as she stepped into the apartment. “We’re actually more worried about you than anything else.”
She was familiar enough with his apartment that she took off for the kitchen as she asked half a dozen questions about how he was doing and whether or not he had been eating properly. She was so startled by Natalie’s presence when she walked into the kitchen that she nearly dropped the food. Vance quickly took it from her hand and set it on the counter while Leila shook off her surprise.
“You must be Natalie,” she said as she extended her hand. “Sorry, Guy mentioned you were keeping Vance from slipping back into radio silence, but I didn’t realize you were here. No wonder Conrad sent so much food.” Her laugh was genuine and warm, but Natalie froze and didn’t reach out to take her hand.
Vance reached forward and wrapped his hand around Leila’s. They had become very close since she and Eli had met, and the familiar gesture didn’t bother her at all, but she did look a little confused. “Natalie isn’t comfortable with very much contact,” Vance explained. “She’d shake your hand if she could.”
“Oh!” Leila said. “Of course. I’m sorry, I think Steph may have mentioned that at one point, but I must have forgotten. It’s really wonderful to meet you, Natalie, and I feel like we all owe you a big thanks.”
A bit shell-shocked by Leila’s friendliness, Natalie’s voice was quiet when she said, “I was happy to be there when he needed me.” Despite her nerves, her features softened as her gaze slipped to Vance.
It was hard for Vance not to respond in kind, and Leila definitely noticed. Trying for distraction, he said, “So, I’m guessing Guy told Conrad I would be home tonight and in need of food? How did you get roped into playing delivery girl?”
“I’ve been too tired to cook lately, so I was planning to pick up dinner for Eli and me anyway. When I called in the order, Conrad called back a few minutes later and asked if I wanted a reason to pop by and see how you were doing, and I told him of course I did.” She was back to grinning, clearly thrilled to see him again, especially doing so well after scaring everyone.
“Considering that we just realized I have almost no food in my apartment, I really appreciate it,” Vance said. “I’ll have to call Guy and Conrad to thank them.”
Leila seemed reluctant to leave, but eventually she sighed and said, “I should be getting back, but I wanted to tell you we’re all getting together at our place on Thursday for dinner. I’m going stir crazy being at home and I thought we were well overdue for a poker night.” She turned to Natalie, all smiles and excitement. “Natalie, you have to come, too. Everyone’s dying to meet you and we really need another girl at the poker table. Charlotte doesn’t play and Sabine won’t be in town. What do you say?”
It was easy for Vance to recognize the deer-in-the-headlights look Natalie tried to conceal. He was about to step in and tell Leila that might be asking too much, but Natalie spoke first. “Okay.” She swallowed slowly. “I’ve only ever played online, but I think the rules are the same, right?”
“It depends on what type of poker you were playing online, but, oh we’ll figure it out on Thursday. We’ll have so much fun!” Leila was grinning from ear to ear now. “Will you come with Vance or should I get your number to text you directions?”
Now Vance did step in before Leila’s excitement to have friends over pushed Natalie’s limits. “I’ll bring her, and I know the way, so we’re good. Seven-ish?”
Leila nodded and seemed to realize he was trying to get her to go home. Not that he wasn’t glad to see her, but he feared Natalie could only take so much. She’d already had a rough day and he knew she still had to face group therapy later that night as well. After a quick goodbye to Natalie, she started for the front door, Vance following behind. The moment Vance opened the door to let her out, Leila grabbed his shirtfront and pulled him into the hall.
“Vance, are you really okay?” she demanded. “I’m glad you’ve been able to lean on Natalie the last few days, but…is something else going on?”
Instantly defensive, he bristled. “Even if there is, how is that your business?”
She was taken aback by his brusqueness. “I’m just worried about you, Vance. You’ve been through something incredibly traumatizing. I completely understand if you needed someone around not so related to Steph, someone who didn’t make you think about her all the time, but…Vance, I saw the way she looked at you.”
He started to say something not particularly cordial, but Leila held up a hand and powered on.
“I’m not judging you, Vance. I know you and Stephanie were having troubles, more than just whatever you two fought about right before she died. I saw how much you were hurting when Amelie was born and it tore me apart. If you want to pursue something with Natalie, I’ll back you one hundred percent,” she said, “so long as it’s for the right reasons.”
“The right reasons?” he demanded. All his own fears, self-doubt, and recriminations surfaced in the face of her accusation.
“If you just need a warm body to fill Steph’s place, I really do understand that.” Her expression morphed from concerned and a little bit angry to compassionate and sad. “If that’s what this is, though, you need to put an end to it, because you’re going to break Natalie’s heart.”
Vance shook his head. He had no intention of hurting Natalie, or using her to fill the empty space Stephanie left, but he didn’t immediately admit to understanding what she meant. “What are you talking about?”
Reaching up, Leila put a gentle hand on his shoulder. “That girl adores you, maybe even loves you. Whatever is going on between you two, it means everything to her. If it’s not the same for you, please don’t string her along no matter how much you’re hurting. I’m sure you know better than me what that will do to her.”
So much had changed between him and Natalie in such a short time, but he hadn’t been willing to admit the depth of it until the words tumbled out of Leila’s mouth. He knew she was right, that he could cause irrevocable damage to Natalie if his emotions weren’t as deep as hers. Facing that for real felt like having ice water dumped on his head. He couldn’t respond at first. In the space of a few seconds he was forced to confront every fear and doubt, forced to define his feelings and intentions toward Natalie right then and there.
“She’s not just a warm body,” he finally said. As soon as the words left his mouth, a weight dropped from his shoulders and he was sure Leila recognized the truth of what he’d said.
Half frowning, half almost smiling, she wrapped her arms around him. “I won’t pretend that it’s not hard to think of you being with someone besides Steph, especially so soon, but if you’re happy with Natalie then I’m glad. All any of us want is for you to be happy.”
Leila was one of the most genuine people he knew, so he didn’t worry she was only saying that to make him feel better. “Thank you.”
She smiled and gave him one last hug before saying goodbye and heading back to Eli and Amelie. Even after she disappeared from view, it took him a few seconds to go back inside. Whatever Natalie thought about Leila’s visit, it hadn’t stopped her from keeping busy. The food was served and sitting on the table by the time he came back in.
“I wasn’t sure what you wanted to drink,” she said timidly.
“Water is fine.” She turned back toward the kitchen, but stopped when she felt him come up be
hind her. He could see how her breathing picked up, but he didn’t back off. Gypsy, who’d scampered in after Vance returned, plopped himself down next to her feet. “Thank you for being here with me tonight.”
Natalie didn’t turn to face him, but she asked, “Did Leila disapprove? You were talking for a while and I thought…”
Vance reached forward, brushing his fingers lightly against hers. The slight touch made her gasp, but she didn’t pull away. “No,” he said, his mouth so close to her he knew she could feel his breath against her skin. “She just wanted to make sure I wasn’t misleading you.”
“Misleading me?” Natalie questioned. “How?”
“With my intentions.” When Natalie didn’t respond, suggesting she still didn’t understand, Vance asked a question rather than give a straight up answer. “This gala thing on Friday, and us going together, how do you define it? Or better yet, how do you want to define it? Are we going as friends, or is this more? A date or something similar?”
Natalie turned to face him, not scrambling back at their closeness for once. “I’m not sure I know how to answer that, Vance. There are so many factors…the timing…”
Shaking his head, Vance closed the small space between them. “None of that matters. Just answer the question honestly.”
Biting her lip and twisting her hands together, Natalie struggled to speak. “I want…I don’t want to go as just friends, but…”
Vance held up a hand to stop her. “Being with you isn’t just about surviving the grief and guilt. That won’t last forever,” he said. “Maybe at first I just needed a kindred spirit, someone who really understood what I was going through, but that’s not why we’re standing in my kitchen together now, and that’s not why I said I’d go with you to the gala. I know it’s too soon and my head isn’t completely back together, but I don’t want to lose you because I waited around for everything to make sense again.”
Natalie’s breathing spiked and she shook her head softly. “I don’t know if I can give you what you want, Vance.”
“Look at how far you’ve already come,” Vance said as he brushed the tips of his fingers along her cheeks. Desire spread through him as her cheeks flushed and her lips parted. Deep and hungry need burned in her eyes, but there was fear as well. He risked scaring her by sliding his fingers back into her hair and bringing his mouth close to her ear. “I promised you once that I wouldn’t push you further than you were willing to go, and even though I’ve pushed you the last few days, has it ever been more than you wanted?”
“No,” she whispered, her voice tremulous and faint, “but it may take me longer than you’re willing to wait.”
His head moved back and forth slowly, the stubble on his cheek lightly scraping against her sensitized skin. “I’m a patient man,” Vance whispered. There were many things about his relationship with Stephanie that he would treasure, and some he wasn’t sure he would ever be able to forgive, but she had taught him patience beyond what he would have thought himself capable. Some might see him using that skill to build something with Natalie as a betrayal, but he saw it as the final gift Steph had given him that might just allow him to heal.
Chapter 27
The Dress
It had been an interesting week. One that wasn’t quite over, but one that revealed and tested both Vance and Natalie. They had yet to spend a night apart, bouncing back and forth between apartments as Vance attempted to reacclimatize himself to his vastly changed life. He planned to return to work the following week, but he was still conflicted about staying in his apartment. The more time he spent with Natalie, especially in her apartment, the more he considered starting over in a new place, possibly with her at some point.
He couldn’t remember when his current lease ran out, and he wasn’t even thinking about making his stays at Natalie’s apartment a permanent thing—at least not unless she brought it up on her own—but he was beginning to realize the pain that seemed to follow him around his apartment wasn’t healthy. He needed to move, but he wanted to get through the rest of the week before making a final decision.
Step one of that plan was making sure Natalie survived poker night. “Are you sure you’re ready for this?” Vance asked her as they approached Eli and Leila’s apartment door.
“No,” she said honestly, “but I’m doing it anyway.”
Vance smiled even though she looked like she wanted to run. “You’re amazing. You know that, right?” Natalie just grimaced, making Vance chuckle. He had faith that she’d be okay as long as they stayed close, which was something he didn’t mind doing at all.
Lifting his hand, he knocked on the door and was greeted by someone shouting for him to come in. Judging by the noise filtering through the door, they were the last to arrive and the festivities had already begun. He pushed the door open and laughed at the chaos. Poker night had once been a guys only type of thing. An impromptu visit from Leila one night added her to the group, then newlywed syndrome hit Guy, and Charlotte and Warren joined the fray.
Now Amelie stole all the attention with her happy gurgling as they passed her around the table. Leo was there as well, though he still maintained his solo status. Vance had once been the same since Steph had never cared for poker, but anxiety had Natalie reaching for his hand no matter how much she worried about the others judging her. “There are a lot of people here,” she whimpered.
“Yes, but they’re all friends and will welcome you wholeheartedly.”
Natalie’s face twisted, not convinced at all. She was still working up the courage to step out of the entryway when Warren raced across the room and skidded to a stop right in front of her. “I’m Warren and my papa said you’re Uncle Vance’s new girlfriend and I should be nice to you ’cause new people scare you a lot.”
Vance covered his mouth to hide a laugh at Warren’s bold introduction. Natalie had a startlingly different response. Her hand slipped from his and she squatted down to be at Warren’s eye level. “Thank you for being so nice. New people do scare me, but not handsome young men like you.”
Warren’s head whipped around to where Guy was watching him while bouncing Amelie in his arms. “See, Papa, I told you she wouldn’t be scared of me!” Warren shouted.
Guy lifted one hand in concession. “I must admit that you were correct and I was not. Very intelligent of you.”
Warren beamed at the praise and grabbed Natalie’s hand, dragging her back up to her feet and across the room to Guy and Amelie. “This is my new cousin. She’s a baby and her name is Amelie. Do you want to hold her? She’s really soft and she smells good.”
Despite having been dragged right up next to Guy, Natalie seemed very at ease in Warren’s care. Vance was still a few steps behind, staring at them, deeply affected by the whole interaction. He expected Natalie to shy away from Warren’s impetuous offer, but when Guy asked her if she would indeed like to hold the baby, Natalie surprised him by nodding eagerly.
A confusing yet profound pain hit him squarely in the chest as he watched Natalie take the baby and cradle her against her chest. She was terrified of so many things, but children apparently weren’t a concern for her. She looked happier and more at ease with Amelie and Warren than he had ever seen her before. Pressing his hand against his mouth, he found himself on the verge of tears.
Gripping his shoulder tightly, though Vance hadn’t even seen him approach, Guy gestured for him to follow. They didn’t go far, just around a corner and into a hallway away from prying eyes. Vance leaned against the wall feeling weak as Guy looked on in concern.
“What is troubling you, my friend?” Guy asked.
Vance shook his head, gesturing back at where they had left Natalie. “That…it was supposed to be Stephanie. She was supposed to be the one standing in there babbling to a baby and making me feel like all those things I’ve wanted my entire life were possible. It wasn’t supposed to be Natalie. It was supposed to be Stephanie and she took that all away from me.”
He didn’t know why everyt
hing hit right then. He thought he had come to accept what had happened, even if he was still trying to understand it emotionally and forgive both himself and Stephanie. The conflict surrounding her death and the betrayal of the lives she stole from them slammed into him in that moment and he couldn’t even keep his feet under him.
Guy lunged forward to stop him from falling and injuring himself, but Vance barely noticed him grabbing him and calling for help as the tidal wave of pain and anger swept his strength away. Somehow he ended up on a couch, worried faces all crowded in around him as he sobbed. “This isn’t how it was supposed to be,” he mumbled as he poured out the pain he had been holding back with nothing more than refusal to feel it.
“How was it supposed to be different?” Guy asked calmly.
Vance had held in the truth, trying to protect Stephanie’s memory, but he just couldn’t do it anymore. He couldn’t be surrounded by his friends and their families and not feel the knife twisting every time Warren blurted something out or Amelie smiled up at someone. Even seeing his friends with their spouses felt like this crushing weight grinding down on him, telling him that wasn’t something he was ever meant to have. But it wasn’t fate or edict that had forced him to accept that. It was Stephanie. All the repressed anger at what she had kept from him and stolen from their lives broke loose.
“This is what I wanted,” Vance said as he looked up at Natalie and his heart broke. Amelie clutched one of her fingers, completely unaware of the tension spilling into the room like a torrent. “This is what we should have had and she took that all away.” His voice broke as he looked as Warren and imagined him playing with the child Vance should have had.
“Who took that away?” Eli asked. He glanced over at Natalie in confusion, and Vance reacted instantly.
“Stephanie,” he snapped.
Everyone in the room looked to each other for something that made sense, but everyone came up empty, and that only made Vance angrier. “She wouldn’t marry me, and I told her that was okay, even though it was important to me and I wanted it. That I could live with.”
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