Back to Life

by Mellie George

  I shook my head. “N-no…” I said, but Brody cut me off.

  “I swear to God, I’m going to fucking kill him!” he shouted, making me and Marissa jump. He let go of me and punched a hole into the wall.

  “Brody…”

  “Brody!” Marissa shouted. “That’s enough! She said Liam didn’t hurt her. Let her explain before you go punching another hole into the wall!”

  He tried to remain calm and placed his arm back around my shoulders and grabbed onto my hand. I noticed that his knuckles were starting to bleed. “Brody, you’re hurt.”

  He shook his head. “I’m fine, Rory. Just tell me what happened, please.”

  I took a deep breath and said quietly, “He said he wants to marry me.” As soon as I said it out loud, I started sobbing.

  Marissa moved and was sitting on my other side. “Oh, Rory,” she said, taking my hand.

  Brody blinked. “Wait…I’m confused. Liam told you he wants to marry you and that’s why you’re upset?”

  “Brody,” Marissa interrupted, “she’s upset because of what happened after Mason died,” she answered for me.

  “What? I don’t understand. I thought he knew everything about that,” Brody said.

  “Brody, he doesn’t know everything. He knows that Mason died and that I blame his bitch boss for it, but he doesn’t know how bad it got afterward. I can’t let him get any closer because we will both be hurt in the end if he finds out how bad I lost it,” I said, still crying. “He’ll run away from me, and I won’t be able to live through that.”

  “Rory, I know you are afraid that he won’t be able to handle what happened, but I don’t think you are giving him enough credit. He’s a cop, sweetie. He has seen the worst of the worst, and I really feel in my heart that he wouldn’t love you any less if he knew,” Marissa said.

  Brody squeezed my arm. “She’s right. I have known Liam for a long time, and you don’t know him like I do. He used to be a total player, and probably was up until he met you. The cop thing aside, I think that Marissa is right in thinking he won’t turn away from you. He loves you, Rory. We can all see that. He’s different with you.”

  “I don’t know. I am terrified of the look on his face when he finds everything out. He won’t want me anymore, I just know it,” I said, sniffing.

  “I think you’re wrong. I think that Liam loves you so much and if anything, he will want to protect you and make things right as best as he can. Give him a chance. Have a little faith in him,” Marissa said.

  Before I could answer, someone buzzed the apartment. My eyes got wide. Liam was here. I looked from Marissa to Brody and back again. Brody gave me one more hug around my shoulders and said, “Rory, just breathe. You can do this,” he said, his eyes full of hope. “Just let go.” I was terrified…I couldn’t do this. Brody was wrong. I’d already lost so much, and I was about to lose my reason for existing all over again. Liam wouldn’t be able to handle this, I knew it. But, I also knew Liam well enough to know he wasn’t going to give up on me. He would let this go if I asked him to, but he wasn’t about to let me go. He loved me and I knew that. I at least owed it to him to be fair and let him decide if I was worth it. I felt Marissa squeeze my hand, and the buzzer sounded again. I nodded, and Brody stood up and helped me to my feet. Marissa wrapped her arm around me as Brody pushed the button to unlock the front door.

  “It’s going to be okay, Rory. I promise,” Marissa said to me, and I hugged her tightly for a few moments.

  A knock on the door jolted me back, and I felt fear spread through me like rapid waters. “Okay,” I whispered, “I’m ready.”

  “Rory, its Liam. Please open the door and talk to me,” I heard him say from the other side of the door. I looked at Brody and silently nodded at him to open the door. I felt like I was either going to puke or pass out. When the door opened, I looked at Liam and my heart sank. He looked just as terrible as I probably did. His beautiful blue eyes were full of sadness. Oh no, had I done this to him? “Rory,” he said quietly, “I’m so sorry for everything I said back there. Can we please talk this out?”

  I nodded, and Brody moved aside so Liam could come in. Marissa said, “Brody, why don’t we give them a moment alone so they can talk?”

  She started to pull away from me, but I grabbed onto her and shook my head. “No, don’t go. I need you here, please.”

  Liam looked confused. “Rory?” He took a cautious step toward me. “What’s going on?”

  I took a deep, unsure breath. “Liam, I am sorry for freaking out on you, but you need to know why I did. We can’t take this relationship any further unless there are no more secrets,” I said, my voice quivering.

  “Oh, angel, you don’t have to tell me anything, really. I don’t care about your past, I really don’t. I just want you, here and now, and to hell with the rest,” he said. He took another step in my direction, but I stopped him.

  “No, Liam, I need to get this out…for me. For us. I just hope after you hear it there still is an us,” I said, fresh tears rolling down my cheeks. I took a deep breath and said, “I need to tell you what happened after Mason died.”

  He looked at me, his blue eyes boring into mine. “Are you sure, Rory? I mean it when I say that you don’t have to tell me.”

  I shook my head and sniffed. “I need to do this. I have been carrying it around so long that I have to just let it go,” I said, looking at Brody, who gave me a sympathetic smile.

  “Are you sure you don’t want us to let you two talk in private?” Marissa asked, but I shook my head.

  “No, I need you and Brody here with me. You were there then, and I need you two here with me now,” I said.

  Brody frowned and nodded, and Marissa said, “Sure, okay. Anything you need.”

  I turned and walked toward the couch and everyone followed slowly. I sat down on the end closest to the loveseat, Marissa sat in the middle, and Brody sat on the other end. I motioned to Liam to sit on the loveseat and he did, scooting as close to me as possible. “Can I ask you one favor before I tell you anything?” I asked.

  “Of course you can,” Liam replied.

  “Just don’t say anything until I am finished, okay? I’ve been holding all this in for four years now, and I need to let it all out at once. Can you do that for me?”

  He reached his hand toward mine and grabbed it before I could react. “Of course I can, angel,” he said, rubbing his thumb along the side of my hand. He let go and sat back on the loveseat, waiting for me to begin.

  “Okay, here goes,” I said, my voice cracking. After a few quiet moments, I took a deep breath and began. “After Mason died, I was obviously destroyed. I could barely function. The night he died I had to be sedated because I couldn’t stop screaming. I remember when I slept that night that’s when my nightmares started. I had to relive his death over and over all night long, except instead of finding him on the sidewalk I was alone in the nightclub with loud noises and screaming, and I felt like I was falling down. Once I woke up, I was still screaming, and I was terrified to sleep at that point. I knew the nightmares would find me again, so I fought hard to stay awake because at least I didn’t have to relive those moments over and over.

  “The funeral was a week later, and I was practically catatonic by that point. I hadn’t eaten or drank anything in days, and I think I had succumbed to sleep maybe twice. The funeral was beautiful, or at least what I remember seeing of it. There were almost five hundred people there. All of Mason’s friends, colleagues, classmates, and family were there. Even my parents came,” I said, with bitterness in my voice. “His father had asked me to speak but I couldn’t do it. I could barely form a coherent thought in my head at that point, let alone make a speech in front a congregation. Everyone was getting up and telling stories of Mason and reliving memories of him. I don’t really remember what anyone said because I had just shut down. I numbed myself to it to be able to get through.

  “Mason’s brother Mark had agreed to speak in my place and w
as getting ready to go up to the pulpit when I heard the sanctuary doors open. I turned to look at who was coming in late, and there she was,” I said, hate burning in me. “His boss, the woman that caused all of this, came strolling into his funeral dressed to the nines with a fake ass frown on her face. She sat down with all of his friends and family like she was so sorry that he was gone. At that point, something inside me snapped and I grabbed Mark’s arm. I told him that I decided I wanted to speak after all and ran toward the pulpit before he could stop me. I turned toward the congregation and instead of eulogizing Mason like he deserved, I pointed right at that woman and told the whole church that she was the reason Mason was lying in the casket with a bullet hole in his chest. I told everyone how she’d harassed him, hit on him, ran him ragged, and threatened his job if he didn’t do what she wanted. I also,” I paused, knowing that what I was about to say would change everything. “I also screamed at her that not only did she take my fiancé from me, that she took away the father of my child.”

  I stopped, tears pouring down. I could hear Marissa sniff beside me, and Brody cleared his throat. I waited to hear Liam do anything…gasp, breath heavily, yell, shout…anything. But he didn’t. I looked up at him and he was just sitting there on the loveseat, calm as can be. Wiping my face with the back of my hand, I continued. “I was pregnant with Mason’s child, and I didn’t even get to tell him. The next thing I knew I was being led out of the sanctuary. I remember my mother yelling at me as we walked down the hallway that I was acting like a child and I needed to stop my tantrum before I embarrassed myself any further. I was so angry. My mother, the woman that was supposed to love me through good and bad and be there for me no matter what, was treating me like I was a spoiled child. She acted like was throwing a fit over not getting a toy I wanted. She didn’t care that I just lost my fiancé and I was going to be raising a child alone. She only cared how this looked to everyone else. At that point, I couldn’t hold it all in anymore and I turned around and punched her as hard as I could in the face. The last thing I remember from that day was seeing her fall into my father’s arms and feeling searing pain in my stomach before I passed out.” Marissa was openly crying at this point, and I heard Brody sniff. Liam still hadn’t said anything, and it was scaring me that I didn’t know what he was thinking. But, I did ask him to not speak until I was finished, so I continued.

  “The next thing I remembered I woke up in the hospital with restraints around my wrists. I saw Marissa at the edge of my bed and Brody was sitting in a chair in the corner with his head in his hands. I remember they all had their funeral clothes still on, but I don’t remember if it was the same day or not. They both had been crying. I started to get scared and I asked Marissa what was going on. She asked me if I remembered anything after the funeral, and I said I didn’t, just that my stomach hurt and then I passed out. I started to freak out and I tried to move my hand to my stomach, but I couldn’t. I started crying and I asked Marissa why I was here and why I was being restrained. She told me that after I passed out I was brought here and placed on a seventy-two hour emergency detention. My mother wanted to press assault charges, but my father convinced her not to and said that I was grieving and that he would see to it that I got ‘the help I needed’.

  “After she told me that, I struggled with my arms and asked about the baby. I begged her to tell me…I needed to know that my baby was okay, but I could tell from the way she was crying and the look on Brody’s face that,” I paused, trying to swallow the lump in my throat, “I had lost the baby. At that moment, I completely broke down and started screaming like I had never screamed before. I had lost Mason, and now I had lost our child too…and it was all my fault,” I cried, and I leaned over and placed my head in my hands.

  Marissa gasped loudly and grabbed my hands from my face. “Rory! That was not your fault! You had a miscarriage. How can you say that?”

  “Because I didn’t take care of myself after Mason died! I wouldn’t eat or drink anything because I just didn’t care! I knew I was pregnant but when he died I just didn’t care about anything anymore. I wanted to die right along with him,” I said. “I put myself and my grief ahead of my child. I am a monster.”

  I heard Liam clear his throat. “Can I say something now?” he asked quietly.

  Shaking, I nodded my head. “Okay.” Here it comes. This is when he says he can’t handle being in a relationship with a psychotic monster that cause the death of her unborn child. This is when every piece I fought to put back together falls apart.

  He moved off the loveseat and knelt down in front of me. Before I could think he placed his hands on my cheeks and looked me dead in the eyes. “Oh, Rory,” he said softly, “you are not a monster. You have to be the bravest woman I have ever known, and I love you so much. I am so sorry this happened to you.” At that moment, I broke down into full blown sobs and collapsed into his arms. He pulled me into his lap and wrapped his strong arms around me and just held me for what felt like forever. He was running his fingers through my hair and rocking me back and forth and kissing my head. I knew in that moment that I was never going to love anyone more than him. When the tears started to dry, I pulled back and looked at his face. It was full of nothing but concern and love. “Rory, I can’t believe you thought I’d run away from you because of this. All of this,” he said, waving his arm around, “isn’t and never was your fault. If I were you, and I lost my fiancé the way you lost Mason, I wouldn’t have done anything differently. Hell, I would have smacked the shit out of the one responsible for all of it.” I snorted out a laugh. “And about the baby,” he said gently, stroking my hair, “how do you know that something you did caused you to miscarry? I mean, if Mason didn’t know yet, you couldn’t have been very far along. That’s a high risk time for any woman. Who put that idea in your head?”

  I sniffed and sighed. I didn’t really know that, but something in my mind told me every day that I was a horrible person and that this was my fault. I was about to speak but Brody cut me off. “Our mother did,” he said, his jaw hard. His fists were clenched and his eyes were dark with anger. I now realized this was the first time he’d spoken.

  I shot him a confused look, and Marissa’s eyes widened. “What? When did she say that?” she said. “I was by Rory’s side almost the entire time, and I don’t remember Mona being there.”

  “It was the night that I’d stayed with Rory so you could go back to the apartment and get some rest. She’d been sedated again after she found out about the miscarriage, so we thought she’d sleep through the night,” he said. I’d been sedated again after that? Oh God, I didn’t know that. Fear spread through me…what else had I missed? “Our parents were still in town, but I thought they’d gone to their hotel. I had just walked out of the room to go and get coffee when I saw Mom walking down the hall toward your room,” he said, looking at me. “I thought she was maybe coming to apologize for how much of a bitch she’d been to you, and to try to make peace with you before she went home, so I waited outside the door so she could have a moment with you. I thought you were sleeping,” he said, his voice cracking. “But you weren’t. You were pretty out of it because I heard you mumbling, ‘Mommy?’ when you saw her.” He stopped for a minute, not wanting to continue.

  Tears were still falling from my eyes, but this time they weren’t for my pain. They were for my brother’s. “Brody, it’s okay. Please tell me what happened. I don’t remember any of this. I need to know,” I said, and Liam gripped me tighter.

  He sighed. “She said that you were a disgrace to her and our family, and that she was disappointed to have you as a daughter. She said that you deserved everything that happened to you, and that Mason was better off dead than being with you. She said she never wanted to see you again. The last thing she said before I walked into the room and threw her out was that because of all your moping, crying, and selfishness that your ‘bastard’ baby was dead and that you killed it,” he said. I felt such a deep ache in my chest from hearing all
of this, but when I looked at Brody my pain was irrelevant. He’d been holding onto all of that for four years himself because he wanted to protect me.

  “Why didn’t you ever say anything?” Marissa asked, tears staining her cheeks.

  “Because she’s always been a shitty mother to Rory and I wanted to spare her any more pain. I didn’t know that Rory had subconsciously heard all of that and thought it was true. I’m so sorry I didn’t tell you, Rory. I had no idea that you blamed yourself for losing the baby. I really thought you were just still grieving over the loss of Mason and the baby that I didn’t pay attention to how you were actually feeling. I’m so, so sorry,” he said, and I saw a few tears escape his deep brown eyes.

  I moved off Liam’s lap and over to Brody, and I threw my arms around him. “Oh, Brody, you have nothing to be sorry for. You have been nothing short of wonderful to me through all of this. Hell, throughout my whole life. You were just protecting me like you always have, and I love you so much,” I said, and we both cried together.

  He squeezed me tightly. “I love you too, Rory. And there is something you need to know,” he said, pulling away and taking my hands. “I think it might set your mind at ease, at least a little bit. From a doctor’s standpoint, you did absolutely nothing to cause the loss of your baby. You obviously don’t remember any of this, but you had an ectopic pregnancy.”

  I looked at him, confused. “A what? What the hell is that?”

  “It’s when an egg is fertilized by a sperm and it doesn’t implant in the uterus, but in the fallopian tube. I’m sorry to say, but the pregnancy couldn’t have continued. If you hadn’t naturally miscarried, it could have ruptured your fallopian tube and it could have killed you. From a medical standpoint, you were very lucky it happened when it did. You still have a very strong chance to have more children someday. If your pregnancy would have continued on longer that chance would have been cut in half.”