Until I Saw Your Smile

by J. J. Murray

  Felisa stood, stretched, and came to the counter with her notepad. “You’re getting a fantastic reputation, Mr. McConnell. You’re the coffeehouse lawyer who gives hope to the hopeless. Was your fee really the cost of breakfast?”

  “Felisa, if you print that,” Matthew said, “I will never be able to pay my bills.”

  “It was,” Felisa said, writing it down.

  “Please don’t put that in the paper,” Matthew said.

  “It’s too good not to,” Felisa said. “A winning lawyer who isn’t after the money.”

  Oh boy. I’m going to gain so much weight. Bran muffins for me from now on.

  Felisa tapped her pen on the counter. “First XS and now Timothy.”

  Should I mention Jade? No. I feel Angela’s icy eyes on me.

  “What miracle will you perform next?” Felisa asked.

  “It wasn’t a miracle,” Matthew said. “Timothy had a strong case without me. Dr. Penn’s assessment was key. I just pushed the right buttons on a telephone to get everybody together.”

  “You made it happen, Matthew,” Felisa said.

  “No, I didn’t,” Matthew said. “I really didn’t. Angela deserves a lot of the credit, too. She pushed me in all the right directions.”

  Felisa smiled at Angela. “He’s so humble. Is it true you two are dating?”

  “Yes,” Angela said, glaring at Matthew.

  Felisa sighed. “I’m always too late. If he weren’t taken . . .” She winked at Matthew. “Great coffee as usual, Angela.” She pulled out her cell phone. “Do you mind if I take a picture?”

  Matthew nodded at the booth. “There’s your picture.”

  “No, no,” Felisa said. “I want you in the picture, too.”

  “Not me,” Matthew said. “Timothy and Gloria are the story, not me.”

  Felisa took several pictures of Gloria and Timothy holding hands in the booth. As Felisa turned, she took a picture of Matthew. “You could have smiled,” she said.

  “You could have warned me,” Matthew said.

  “Why don’t you want your picture in the paper?” Felisa asked. “Most lawyers would kill for this kind of publicity.”

  “I’m not that kind of lawyer anymore,” Matthew said. “Please don’t use it for the story.”

  Felisa smiled. “I won’t use it for the story, I promise.”

  “When will the story run?” Matthew asked.

  “As soon as I can write it,” Felisa said. “Gloria, I have your number. I may be calling for more information if they let me expand on this.”

  “That’s wonderful,” Gloria said.

  Felisa raised her bushy eyebrows. “I may have to hang out here more often. There are so many interesting stories waiting to be told here. Bye.”

  Dr. Penn slid out of the booth, shaking Timothy’s hand. “I should be going. If there’s anything you ever need, give me a call.”

  “I will,” Timothy said.

  “I have your number, Dr. Penn,” Gloria said. “Thank you so much for all you’ve done.”

  Matthew walked Dr. Penn to the door. “I have a feeling you have replaced me,” Dr. Penn said, looking back at Angela.

  “She’ll still need you,” Matthew said. “I’ll still need you.”

  “Don’t hesitate to call.” He smiled. “Is it love now?”

  Is it? “I think so.”

  “Good,” Dr. Penn said. “Good.”

  Angela was unusually quiet for the rest of the day, and after they cleaned up, she headed quickly to the kitchen.

  “Want to go for a walk?” Matthew asked.

  “Not tonight.” She opened the stairway door.

  Matthew followed her up the stairs. “Want to beat me at Sorry! again?”

  She opened the apartment door. “No.”

  He entered the apartment. “Do we have any laundry to do?”

  “No.”

  “Anything on TV?” Matthew asked.

  Angela sighed. “It’s Tuesday night.” She went through the kitchen into the bedroom.

  Matthew stood in the bedroom doorway. “Is everything okay?”

  She turned and half smiled. “Yes. I’m going to turn in early tonight. I’m really tired.” She pulled back the covers and took off her shoes, socks, and pants. “Good night.” She slipped under the covers and pulled the comforter to her shoulders.

  Matthew sat on the edge of the bed. “Is there something wrong?”

  “Nothing’s wrong,” Angela said. “I’m tired. It’s been a long day. Good night.”

  Something is definitely wrong. He rubbed her back. “Angela.”

  She turned sharply and said, “What?”

  Something tells me I should leave her alone, but I can’t. “What’s wrong?”

  “You really want to know?” she asked.

  It’s going to be bad, and from the look in her eyes, it’s going to be very bad. I’m not so sure I want to know now. “Yes.”

  She sat up against the headboard and crossed her arms deliberately. “It goes something like this. He’s so humble. I’m always too late. If he weren’t taken. I may have to hang out here more often. There are so many interesting stories here.”

  Angela has a very good memory. “I don’t understand.”

  “She was flirting her ass off,” Angela said, her eyes turning into dark brown dots. “Right in front of me.”

  “She knows we’re a couple,” Matthew said. “You told her we were.”

  “She took your picture for no good reason,” Angela said.

  I’m sure Felisa had a reason. Whether it was good or not, I’ll never know. “But without my permission.”

  “And she practically sat in your lap,” Angela said.

  There’s some truth there. “The booth was crowded. I may need to expand my office.”

  “I saw how you were looking at her,” Angela said.

  “How could I not look at her?” Matthew said. “Felisa sat next to me. I was looking across the table at Timothy and Gloria.”

  “I saw you,” Angela said. “Whenever you drank your coffee, you sneaked looks at her. You had your eyes all over her.”

  “I didn’t,” Matthew said. “I had my eyes on your cookies.”

  “You drank three cups of coffee, Matthew,” Angela said. “You kept drinking your coffee so you could look at her.”

  What does that have to do with anything? “You kept refilling my cup.”

  “I saw you looking at her tits and her ass,” Angela said. “You want her, don’t you?”

  Wow. Who is this person in this bed with me? “Angela, no, of course not. She’s not my type at all. You are.”

  Angela’s right arm shot out, and she pointed at him. “You’re lying. You like perky and mixed and light-skinned and tall and thin and green-eyed and obviously open for business.”

  “No, I—”

  “You would have let her do you right there in that booth if you could have,” Angela interrupted.

  “Angela, there is no way—”

  “I saw her perky tits hanging out,” Angela interrupted, “so I know you saw them, too. I saw her shaking her ass for you. You saw that, didn’t you?”

  “I didn’t notice it, Angela, and I have absolutely no desire—”

  “Liar!” she shouted. “I know you want to hit that in every position all night long! Don’t try to deny it!”

  “I have to deny it because it isn’t true,” Matthew said.

  She folded her arms again. “So I’m seeing things?”

  If I say yes, she’ll say she’s crazy. If I say no, I’ll be lying. “You are misinterpreting things. I can’t see what you see, Angela. All I know is that I only have eyes for you, and I have made it very clear that I only want to be with you. You have me here right now, don’t you?”

  Angela looked away. “You’d be crazy not to run away from me and get with that nice piece of educated ass. I’ll bet she went to Columbia or some other Ivy League school. I’ll bet she has a two hundred IQ. You two can make smart li
ght-skinned babies with long legs.”

  “Angela,” Matthew said softly, “you are easily the smartest woman I’ve ever met.”

  “Bullshit!” she shouted. “I don’t have a college degree.”

  “You don’t need a college degree to be smart,” Matthew said. “Bill Gates, Steve Jobs, and Ted Turner all dropped out of college.”

  “At least they had a chance to go to college,” Angela said. “I didn’t.”

  She got me there.

  “Oh, and you and Felisa can go on really long walks together,” Angela said. “Her legs are long enough. She could wrap them twice around you. You could ride the subway with her. You could go to Yankees games with her. You could go anywhere in the world with her while I can’t leave this fucking apartment for more than two or three blocks at a time!”

  She is definitely heating up. I need to cool her off. “We’re working on that, aren’t we?” Matthew said softly, rubbing her leg. “You’re getting there. One step at a—”

  “Don’t keep fucking saying that!” she shouted. “I can’t fucking stand that! One step at a time. It’s fucking bullshit!”

  Matthew lifted his hand off her leg. That didn’t work.

  “I am going nowhere, Matthew!” she shouted, tears forming in her eyes. “I’m not getting better. Speed-walking around Williamsburg is not going to cure me. I hate going for walks as if I’m some sort of dog. I think the only reason you try to get me out of here is to scare the living shit out of me so you can play the hero when we get back.”

  “That’s not it at all, Angela,” Matthew said. “What you’re saying is—”

  “Crazy?” Angela interrupted. “Go ahead and say it. Say, ‘Angela, you’re fucking crazy.’ ”

  “Angela, I will never say that,” Matthew said.

  She started rocking back and forth. “I’m as useless as a wooden frying pan, Matthew. Admit it!”

  “Angela, that’s not true,” Matthew said. “I need you.”

  “No, you fucking don’t.” She took a deep breath. “I want you to go.”

  I am not moving from this spot.

  She pointed to the window. “Go find your mongrel bitch in heat! She’s out there running the streets you like so much! She’s waiting for you!”

  “No,” Matthew said softly.

  She threw back the covers and jumped out of the bed, pointing into the kitchen. “Leave! Return all those phone calls! You know you want to, and don’t try to lie! Victoria will show you the view! Monique will let you use her entire condom collection! Mary will do you while she’s praying! Allison will relapse, and you can do whatever you want with her drunk ass!”

  “I’m not leaving,” Matthew said, trying to stay calm.

  “Get the fuck out of here!” Angela shouted.

  “No,” he said softly. “You’re stuck with me. I’m not leaving.”

  Angela’s eyes filled with tears. “I’ve got nothing to offer you, Matthew!”

  Do I dare touch her? Not yet. She’s still on fire. “You have everything I need, and you even have things I didn’t know I needed.”

  “I’m nothing!” Angela shouted. “I’m less than nothing! I can’t even walk two blocks without getting scared of every man passing us or every man leaning up against a building or the sound of a strange man’s voice. All a man has to do is clear his throat and I want to start running in the opposite direction. I try so hard to swallow my fear until we get back, and sometimes I nearly vomit my guts out.”

  Matthew took one of her hands in his. “We’ll be walking everywhere together soon. You’ll see.”

  Angela wrenched her hand from his and walked to the window. “Don’t you wish I was normal?”

  “You are by far the most normal woman I’ve ever met,” Matthew said.

  She spread out her arms. “This isn’t normal! None of this is fucking normal!”

  “No, it isn’t,” Matthew whispered. “It’s extraordinary, and I love you.”

  “I am not normal, Matthew!” Angela shouted.

  She didn’t hear me.

  “I am out of my mind! I have nothing to offer—” She blinked. “What did you say?”

  She did hear me. Even said softly, those are three powerful words. “I said, what we have is extraordinary, and I love you.”

  Angela’s jaw quivered, her eyes blinking.

  “I love you, Angela.” He smiled. “I really do.”

  Angela paced beside the bed. “Why? How? How can you love me? I’m crazy. I’m damaged. And you still have women blowing up your phone and flirting right in front of me. You could have any woman in the world.”

  “That’s not true,” Matthew said. “The only woman in the world I want is you.”

  Angela stopped pacing. “But why? Why do you love me? I am a lost cause!”

  He rose and stood beside her, wanting to hold her so badly. “I love you because the air tastes sweeter around you.”

  She looked briefly into his eyes.

  “It does,” he said. “The air around you has a taste. The air has weight around you. I can swallow it. It nourishes me. I breathe easier around you. I love you for that.”

  “But you can’t,” Angela said.

  Matthew ignored her. “I love you because I haven’t smiled so much in my entire life. Life, my life, is sweeter because of you. I love you. I love you the way you are.” He rubbed the backs of her arms. “I even love you right this moment.”

  “As messed up as I am,” Angela said.

  He gently turned her around and took her hands. “As wonderful and incredible as you are. When I look at you or talk to you or simply hold you, I’m happy, truly, unbelievably happy. I’ve never been this content. I love you and want you and need you. I have never said any of this to anyone ever. Please don’t ever ask me to leave you again. I am going to be with you for better or worse.”

  Angela looked at the floor. “As long as I don’t get worser, right?” she whispered.

  He stepped closer. “I think you’re getting better.”

  Angela stepped back, pulling her hands away from him. “You think this is an improvement? I just screamed my guts out at you. I just told you to go hook up with your dates from hell. I just accused you of wanting to sleep with Felisa.” She turned away. “I saw you looking at her, and I . . . I started thinking so many . . . horrible things. I have to be crazy.”

  “Jealousy is something most sane people feel at one time or other. Jealousy is normal.” I can’t see her eyes. “Please look at me.”

  Angela turned slowly. “I’m surprised you want me to. I am an emotional wreck.”

  Matthew smiled and caressed her face with his fingertips. “You’re definitely not emotionally detached now. Numb Angela has left the building, and fiery, passionate Angela is in this room. I like this woman very much.”

  “You can’t like me,” Angela said.

  “I do. Don’t you see what’s happening?” He held her face. “Angela, you’re coming out of your shell. You’re loosening your armor. You’re becoming wild and untamed, and it’s very sexy.” He pushed his fingers through her hair. “Your hair is a mess for the first time probably ever. I like it. I’m always worried I’ll mess up your hair, and here it is already messed up, so if I feel like doing this . . .” He ran his fingers through her hair from her forehead to her neck. “I won’t feel so bad. You also dropped the F-bomb several times. And the shouting, though quite loud, is filled with fire. It’s quite a turn-on.”

  Angela blinked. “My anger and frustration arouses you?”

  “Your passion arouses me,” Matthew said. “I’m hoping that you will tackle me and make passionate love to my helpless body.”

  Angela laughed slightly. “You’ll never be helpless.”

  “Nor will you,” he said. “Nor are you.” He slid his hands around her waist. “Nor will you ever be.”

  Angela buried her head into Matthew’s chest and wept.

  “I won’t let go of you,” he whispered. “I’m never letting go of
you.”

  He guided her to the bed, where he sat, settled Angela into his lap, and let her body shake and her tears soak his shirt for several minutes.

  “I’m sorry I yelled at you,” Angela said, wiping at her eyes. “I’m a little insecure, huh?”

  “Just a wee bit,” Matthew said. “But you have no reason to be. I’m yours.”

  “I’m stuck with you,” Angela said.

  “Yes.”

  Angela looked at the bed. “Okay.” She closed her eyes. “I’ve made a decision.” She opened her eyes. “And I’m scared.”

  “I’m right here,” Matthew said.

  “I want to sleep with my back to you again,” Angela said, “only this time I’m not going to look back. I was up most of the other night checking to see if you were still there. No, that’s not true. I was looking back to make sure it was you.”

  “What exactly do you feel when someone is behind you?” Matthew asked.

  “I feel like I’m being hunted, I guess,” Angela whispered. “I hunch up my shoulders and drop my head lower as if I’m trying to make myself smaller or something, to make myself harder to see.”

  Or to find.

  “And I can’t stop looking around.” She rubbed the back of her neck. “It’s why my neck and shoulders get so sore. I’m constantly watching my own back.”

  He laid her down on her side. “Let me watch your back for a while.” He slid in behind her.

  Angela instantly looked back.

  “Hi,” he whispered. “Do you come here often? My name is Matthew. What’s yours?”

  Angela sighed. “This is hard for me.”

  “It’s only me, Angela.”

  “I know.” She turned her head toward the window and backed her booty into him.

  “I like this view,” Matthew whispered.

  “I don’t.” She began to breathe heavily. “Maybe some other time.” She flipped onto her back. “I know, I know. It’s stupid.” She pounded the bed with her fists. “I’m sorry. I just have to be able to see your eyes so I know it’s you.”

  Matthew rubbed her stomach. “You know, if we had a mirror, we could set it up against that wall, and you would see me any time you opened your eyes.”

  Angela sat up. “I think there’s one on the back of my parents’ door. My mama used to get dressed in front of it.”