The Rampage of Haruhi Suzumiya

by Nagaru Tanigawa

  I have no idea how everybody interpreted Haruhi’s megalomaniacal manifesto, but Koizumi merely brushed his thumb across his lips while Asahina tugged at the sleeve of her maid outfit and Nagato’s eyebrows may have twitched.

  “Well, it’s impossible for us to lose. But even if we’ve all but won already, nobody is allowed to hold back! A halfhearted victory would only be an insult to our opponent. We must crush them.”

  I’ve always wondered what this confidence of hers is made of. Two milligrams will do, so share some with me.

  “Really? Want me to inject a bit into you?”

  I had no idea what was going on as Haruhi suddenly glared at me. Don’t stare at me with such a serious look on your face. It’s not like a winning lottery ticket is going to pop out of my mouth.

  After ten seconds or so of this bizarre ritual, I was forced to avert my eyes.

  “Well? Didn’t that help?”

  Haruhi had a pleased smile on her face. What effect was staring at me supposed to have?

  “I focused energy into my stare to send to you. Don’t you feel your body getting all warm or going through accelerated perspiration? Yeah, this is what I’ll do the next time I spot someone who’s looking down.”

  Please don’t glare at random people on a crowded street. In my mind I ran a simulation of having to run away from a gang of thugs after Haruhi’s attempt to inject energy was mistaken for a challenge.

  “It’s almost time to start.”

  Koizumi’s amused voice drew my eyes back to the computer screen. Asahina was the only person showing any signs of nervous strain as she murmured to herself in an anxious voice.

  “…What to do? I don’t think I can do this.”

  You don’t need to get so serious about a game where there aren’t any casualties. And if there are any casualties, they’ll be limited to a few monitors that were the victims of a nasty temper.

  We can only pray that Haruhi won’t be so mad about losing that she throws the computer out the window.

  1600 hours.

  The fanfare that signaled the commencement of hostilities played and so began the battle over ownership of a computer.

  Here was the initial strategy of the forces.

  The was in the vanguard, flanked by the and the , with the and the bringing up the rear.

  —That was it. Nothing more, nothing less.

  Haruhi couldn’t be bothered to dispatch scout vessels, as she was only focused on destroying the enemy armada. It was clear that she wouldn’t be any help until we encountered enemies.

  And then we had Asahina, who wasn’t going to be any help

  period. We’d dumped everybody else’s supply vessels on her, which meant that the triangle representing the unit was somewhat larger than everybody else’s. This also meant that her fleet was slower than everyone else’s, so I gave her the order to take the most logical course of action and run away the second she was about to get caught up in a skirmish. Pretty obvious.

  I should mention that Haruhi’s fleet had been set to the parameters [Speed · 20], [Defense · 60], [Attack · 20]. Basically, we would lose the instant her units were destroyed, so we had no choice but to prioritize defense. The plan was for the combatants—Nagato, Koizumi, and me, who were running 33, 33, 34, a balanced distribution—to fight on the front lines while Haruhi chilled in the back to buy us time. But the second I took my eyes off her, we ended up in the situation at the start of this story, where she kept trying to charge ahead.

  And now, as I mentioned briefly in the beginning, the simulation game between the computer society and the SOS Brigade was about to see its first combat.

  “Fine, then. I’ll stay back for now, so you better beat the crap out of our opponents. Mikuru, you can watch the show with me.”

  “Oh…you’re right.”

  Asahina nodded meekly from her position on my left before whispering softly to me in a sweet and breathy voice.

  “Please do your best, Kyon.”

  Her words of encouragement were enough to spur me into a hundred different ways of exerting myself. If the flagship fleet in our armada had been the , I would have been more than happy to eat every missile that came her way. Unfortunately, I was obligated to serve a tyrannical despot who would have been the first warlord to start a revolt during the feudal period. It’s too bad that this game doesn’t come with the option to switch sides. I don’t have a choice. I can only focus on dealing with the enemies before me.

  * * *

  1615 hours.

  Nagato was beating on her keyboard. Her fingers were moving too fast to see, literally. It appeared that she didn’t intend to waste any time on a bulky peripheral device such as a mouse. At some point Nagato had written her own macros for that allowed her to directly command her fleet through keyboard inputs. As a result the was battling as furiously as the great general Belisarius under Emperor Justinian’s Byzantine Empire. However, she was seriously outnumbered.

  We were only able to field three individual units—the , the , and the —in battle, while the enemy had four fleets out and about, with the exception of (Enemy A). If there’s one thing that history has taught us, it’s this. Wars are won by numbers. If we’re starting at a numerical disadvantage of three against four, our chances of enjoying a post-victory champagne fight are slim. Still, it wouldn’t do to throw Haruhi and Asahina into the fray. That would only make it easier for our opponents to slaughter the entire armada in one fell swoop.

  “The enemy appears to be using a vee formation in an attempt to draw us out.”

  Chief Officer Koizumi was whispering into my ear.

  “The enemy formation is designed to trap us if we pursue. I would suggest we hold our positions and follow a defensive strategy.”

  Makes sense, sure. I’m fine with it, but what will Haruhi say?

  Besides.

  I looked over Asahina’s head to sneak a glance at Intelligence Officer Nagato’s distinct profile.

  I wasn’t sure why. However, oddly enough, Nagato appeared to be asserting herself in a way I’d never seen before. Though the game had just started and her expression was neutral as always, the units of were already very active, moving around the screen and clearing operational objectives. What was it about that stirred Nagato’s heart so?

  Nagato hadn’t been lying when she said that she was going to analyze this game. The alien artificial humanoid who could be classified as apathy incarnate knew every last detail about the computer society’s original game. It was possible that she knew more about it than the people who actually made it. From her perspective, the computers found in modern Earth civilization might as well be a pre–Industrial Revolution relic from an assembly line. Using them was like twisting the arm of a baby.

  Still, I had to wonder why the glint in Nagato’s eyes had shifted from listless black to glittering silver.

  Nagato was displaying extraordinary determination as she pounded away at the keyboard relentlessly as though this were a typing game. Her eyes were constantly darting around the screen, as she’d ditched the handy GUI for a small console in the corner of the screen. She typed in commands at finger-breaking speed.

  “…”

  The was constantly changing position and deploying scout vessels in a sweeping effort to locate the advancing enemy. Despite that, the only enemies located so far were and , the two fleets positioned right in front of our imperial armada. Nagato was engaged in a skirmish with those two fleets while holding the front line by herself. No time to stand around. Need to back her up.

  And with that I set the into motion, which was when I suddenly found myself caught in a rain of beams from the side.

  “The hell?” I blurted.

  “Whoa
there,” Koizumi remarked.

  I looked to see that his was also being bombarded from the port side. and had practically come out of nowhere to flank Koizumi and me from both sides. The counter for the number of vessels in my was shrinking rapidly.

  “What are you doing?!”

  Haruhi yelled at me through her yellow megaphone.

  “Fire back at them already! Counterattack!”

  Don’t need you to tell me that. These guys were clearly experienced enough to sneak past Nagato’s network of scouts, but that didn’t mean we were going to just lie down and surrender.

  I ordered my to change directions and turn ninety degrees to starboard. Then I waited for the enemy to come into range of my weapons before opening fire with everything—but in that very moment made a prompt U-turn and disappeared into the dark reaches of space. I was pretty pissed, so I sent a scout vessel in pursuit, but I wasn’t able to find any trace of them.

  “Damn, they got away.”

  It looked as if they were using a hit-and-run strategy with fleets that had their Speed parameters jacked up. , which had been attacking the from the starboard side, also disappeared with the same timing. I see. and , skirmishing with the , were merely a diversion while and were their main force. And their flagship fleet, , was hiding somewhere and not even participating in the battle. That was their plan.

  “Eep, I’m scared!”

  Asahina had managed to clumsily send her own fleet into the corner of the screen. If she gets too far away from us, we’ll lose our supply line and end up without any functioning weapons, but at this rate the battle will be finished before we even get a chance to worry about running out of energy or missiles. The has held the initiative the entire time.

  After that, the flankers and continued to harass and like stray dogs who keep returning around dinnertime after tasting leftovers once. If we tried to pursue, they would launch a bunch of homing missiles before escaping, which was a rather frustrating tactic that left us to flounder around. They were trying to whittle down our forces while avoiding a direct confrontation. Exactly what Haruhi hated the most.

  Meanwhile, continued to advance alone by deftly eluding the wave of attacks from and while executing a probing counterattack with effective results. If it weren’t for her fleet, the rest of us would be reduced to bits of interstellar matter floating in the void of space. Even if we lose, she deserves an award for bravery.

  “…”

  It looked like Nagato wasn’t even breathing as she stared at her monitor. Her abuse of the keyboard didn’t stop for a single moment. The computer society guys must have been surprised, since I was surprised myself.

  Had to wonder if Haruhi’s hatred of losing had spread to Nagato.

  1630 hours.

  We were bogged down in a stalemate now.

  The computer society had realized that it would be difficult to deal with the vanguard , so was left to focus on Nagato while the three other fleets, with the exception of their flagship fleet, , whose whereabouts were still unknown, began attacking us from both sides alternately in interval waves. I had to be impressed by the level of coordination displayed by , , and . When we turned our attention to , would strike from the opposite side. Once we switched to pursue , would suddenly pop out from a third direction to fire its beams at us. This was about as much fun as playing a fighting game against an experienced pro who didn’t know how to hold back. I would ask them to go easy on us, but there were multiple computers riding on this match.

  However, the situation was considerably dire. As mentioned before, I’d put our chances of winning at less than 10 percent, but I still expected there to be a good show, at least. Fire at one another like crazy before exploding in a giant fireball, or the whole, “We lost but we put up a good fight so everything’s okay” kind of thing.

  But instead we have this painful battle of attrition.

  “I can’t take this any longer.”

  I suppose I should have seen this coming. Haruhi finally snapped and began to rattle off simple and clear orders to the flagship fleet under her command.

  “All ships full speed ahead! Kyon, get out of my way! I’m going to find the enemy boss and beat him to a pulp!”

  attempted to cut between and , but Koizumi and I moved to-gether instantly like a school of small fish to stop her advance.

  “What are you doing?! Koizumi, you’re also going to interfere with my magnificent battle? Just get out of my way. I’ll relieve you of your position as chief officer.”

  “That would be problematic.”

  Koizumi made no move to shift his fleet from its position blocking Haruhi’s path.

  “Your Excellency, please allow us to handle this. I, your humble servant, vow to protect Your Excellency until the moment I’ve drawn my last breath. You are free to dispose of me as you wish once the battle is over.”

  “Right.”

  I backed Koizumi up.

  “If you want to improve our chances of winning, stay back. We haven’t found the enemy flagship yet.”

  “So I’ll go find him, then. He’s probably somewhere around”—she pointed at the edge of her monitor, which we couldn’t see—“here, so we’ll head straight there. And then we fellow bigwigs will have it out mano a mano!”

  I couldn’t tell where she planned on heading, but wouldn’t have a chance to get there before she was torn apart like a beehive attacked by a bear about to go into hibernation.

  Haruhi continued to push her fleet up as she thrust with the hand that was clutching her mouse.

  “Nothing will change if we just sit around. I’ve been watching your pathetic attempts this whole time. Your keeps letting the enemy get away. And you’ve been losing forces in the process. Looks like I need to take charge.”

  “Could you stop that?”

  I was busy using my fleet to block our flagship fleet’s path while Koizumi happened to be doing the same thing on the other side. The three fleets from the may have noticed as they continued their successive hit-and-run attacks. Asahina had gotten her completely lost in the void of space long ago.

  “Where am I? Ah, I can’t tell right from left now.”

  Asahina, sitting to my right, was close to tears as she looked between her screen and mine.

  “Where did everyone go?”

  Yes, I’m very sorry. Asahina, I can only say that you are free to wander wherever you please.

  was practically tailgating , so I couldn’t move at all. Since I had essentially become Haruhi’s shield, the unrelenting enemy attack was whittling down the triangle that represented my unit.

  “Outta the way!”

  I couldn’t even if I wanted to. The heartless had made its withdrawal before Haruhi could rear-end him and was now exchanging fire with , feigning ignorance. You’re going to make me hold Haruhi back by myself?

  “Damn.”

  I clicked the left mouse button furiously while moving the pointer around the screen randomly in an attempt to free my fleet from the . The triangle for was noticeably smaller as it changed directions at the speed of a slug on a stroll. And during this time the enemy had a lock on my fleet and was firing beams and missiles like crazy.

  We’ve lost.

  I want to make it clear that I had no choice but to surrender at this point. With this girl as our commander, any chance of victory we’d had was long gone. An organization cannot operate smoothly without a composed leader at the top, and this applies to pretty much everything in life. I mean, I’m n
ot entirely sure, but isn’t that how it works?

  As I bickered with Haruhi in both the real world and the virtual world, there was one SOS Brigade member with a firm grasp of the situation who stayed calm and continued playing the game.

  —Or so I thought.

  I finally realized this wasn’t the case when I noticed the fingers of the brigade member sitting at the end of the table accelerating to a speed so fast that you’d have to record her with a high-sensitivity camera and play the footage back in slow motion to see what was going on.

  It was Haruhi’s duty and exclusive right to build up frustration to the point where she exploded. But this time, that didn’t seem to be true.

  The most excited person in the room at the moment was our SOS Brigade’s knowledgeable intelligence officer and book-loving literary club member—

  “…”

  —Yuki Nagato.

  1635 hours.

  “Wha?”

  I couldn’t believe the sudden activity on my monitor as a foolish-sounding yelp escaped my lips.

  “The hell is this?”

  The forces of the now had a field of vision that was three times larger than it had been a moment ago. We could even see the current positions of the ever-elusive enemies , , and . One was on the left wing taking aim at Koizumi’s unit. One was in the process of turning around after making its escape. One was advancing on the entangled and . Still, my focus was on the reason we were now able to see these enemy movements…

  had split into twenty units.

  “Well, well.”

  Koizumi’s admiration sounded hollow to me.

  “Nagato never ceases to amaze me. She actually picked up on this feature. I also considered using it at one point, but it was so complex that I abandoned the idea in the draft stage.”

  “Wait, Koizumi,” I said. “Was this in the instruction manual?”