Wings and Beyond

by Joy Redmond

  Sunday morning after breakfast, Mandy headed upstairs and readied herself in her Sunday dress code, which was a girdle, hose, full slip and a dress. She did love to wear high heels. The higher the better, but Iris would only allow her to wear three-inch heels. She was allowed to wear face powder and pink lipstick, but no eye makeup or blush. Iris’s voice echoed in her head as she pressed the powder puff against the lightly colored powder in a compact. Only streetwalkers wear liquid makeup, bright colored lipstick, and eye makeup. You’re a lady.

  She stared at her reflection in the mirror. “Nikko? Do I look like a lady? ”

  Nikko answered, It won’t be long and you’ll be putting on enough makeup to cause a fleet of sailors to faint from desire. And you’ll be shedding that stupid girdle, hose, and dresses.

  Mandy smiled. “Yeah, someday I’ll dress any way I want to. And I’ll pile on two pounds of liquid base and at least a pound of mascara and eyeliner. And I’ll wear the brightest red lipstick that I can find. With red finger and toe nail polish to match. And I’ll buy heels so high I’ll look as if I’m standing on a ladder.”

  “Amanda! Breakfast is getting cold. Get down here and eat. Now!” Iris yelled.

  “See ya, Nikko.” Mandy waved and headed downstairs.

  Jack called every day the coming week, and Iris let Mandy talk with him, though they were only allowed a ten minute conversation. For the first time, Mandy was relieved by that rule. She really had nothing to say to Jack and the more he called, the more she wanted to tell him that she had changed her mind about being engaged. She really didn’t care if she ever saw him again. When he called the next Friday night, she told him she wasn’t feeling well and she was staying home for the weekend.

  “Well, at least let me come see you at your house,” Jack said.

  “Mother doesn’t allow any boy to visit me in my bedroom and I’ll be in bed. I have a fever and I might have something contagious. I’ll call you when I’m feeling better.”

  “But that means I won’t see you for another week!”

  “I know, Jack. But I’m sick. I might have the flu.”

  “Two weeks without seeing you will kill me,” Jack said, as if he were a little boy tuning up to cry for his mommy.

  “I’m sorry. I really need to get some aspirin down and get back to bed.” Mandy dropped the receiver.

  Two weeks later, she still didn’t want to see Jack and she wasn’t sure if she ever would. Maybe she’d just mail his ring back to him. How was she supposed to forget what he had done to her? Every time Jack called, she kept telling him she wasn’t feeling well and that was the truth, she wasn’t. The memory of their last night together made her feel sick to her stomach and her very soul felt like a crushed butterfly.

  She decided she’d spend her time in bed reading. She wanted to finish Gone With The Wind. She was in love with Rhett Butler and wished he would walk out of the pages and hold her. She would feel safe with Rhett and be happy. That thought led to her memory of Daddy and how he used to hold her. How she needed Daddy to come get her and take her to a nice home filled with love and compassion and giggles.

  She wiped her eyes. That dream died years ago.

  She climbed into bed and opened the book, but before she started reading, her mind kept recapping every date she’d had with Jack.

  She opened her bedside table drawer and took out her journal, then began to write about her and Jack’s dates that had been spent with his family. As she wrote, she pictured the large family around the table, eating and laughing, and it was like watching a movie. The family I’ve always dreamed of having, she reminded herself. She rubbed her temples. You’re not in love with Jack. You’re in love with his family. Jack is a brute. You can survive Iris and Otis another five months. Then you’ll graduate and spend the summer months on the tractor in the fields like you always do. Come fall, you’ll go off to college and become the great nurse that you’ve dreamed of being. We can do this, Nikko.

  Tell him to piss off. We can do it, Nikko answered.

  Mandy ripped out the pages out of her diary, tore them to shreds, walked over and dropped the paper into the trash can. “That’s the end of you, Jack.”

  She looked up at the calendar that was tacked on the wall beside her vanity. She saw the big X on the date that she was supposed to start her period. She gasped and held her hand over her mouth to keep from screaming. She was two weeks late.

  She heard herself mumbling. “No, God. No!” Mandy had never missed a period since she had started her cycle. She felt as if she were about to faint. Sweet Jesus. This can’t be happening. I’d rather be dead. She walked back across the room and sat on the bedside. Don’t panic. Maybe you’re late because of all that’s been happening— and so fast. You’re all emotional. You learned in health class that trauma can cause a period to come early or late. In a few days, you’ll start. Calm down.

  It took several deep breaths to force herself to be calm. She was quivering inside but managed to calm down, and reason returned to her as she believed that was probably the case. She stood up and headed downstairs to finish her chores, her mind a jumble of thoughts and divided into part fear and part rationalization. Nikko remained quiet in the background of her mind, caught in a passion of thoughts.

  The weekend passed and Mandy didn’t start her period. She was thankful that Iris wasn’t in the house. She went into the kitchen, picked up the phone and dialed Jack’s number.

  Pearl answered the phone.

  Mandy had to swallow hard, twice, before she could utter, “Is Jack there?”

  “Why, Mandy. I’m so glad you called. Jack said you’ve been sick with the flu. I’ve never heard of the flu lasting for over two weeks, I sure hope you’re over it.”

  “I’m over it. I really need to talk with Jack.”

  “He hasn’t gotten home from work yet. But I’m sure he’ll call you as soon as he comes in. He always does. Is there something wrong?”

  “No, I just wanted to tell him that I’m well. I didn’t realize I was calling too early. Just tell him to call me as soon as he comes home, okay?”

  “He always calls the minute he comes home—that’s if he’s allowed to talk with you. We never know.”

  “I can talk today. Thank you.” Mandy dropped the receiver.

  Jack called within the hour. Mandy answered the phone, “I’m well, Jack. I know it’s Monday, but I really need to talk with you. Will you come get me?”

  “Great!” Jack said. “I’ll be there as soon as I eat. Or do you want to come eat with us?”

  “No, I don’t feel like eating yet. And I don’t want to argue with Mother about coming on a Monday, but I really need to—”

  Before Mandy could finish her sentence, Iris came into the kitchen. “I’ve got to go.”

  “Okay,” Jack answered. “But what is so important that you—”

  Mandy dropped the receiver. Well, at least he still wants us to be together. I thought since he had gotten what he wanted from me and since I haven’t seen him for two weeks, he probably had another girl on the string. Well, I guess I’m glad he waited for me. What else am I gonna do?

  Mandy turned to face Iris. “Mother, I don’t want to start an argument, but I’m going out with Jack as soon as he can come pick me up.”

  “I’m tired of arguing, Amanda. And I’m tired of trying to reason. Just make sure you’re home and in bed by eight-thirty. You have school tomorrow.

  “I will be. Thank you—”

  Mandy ran for the bathroom. She bent over the commode and it felt as if she were trying to puke her guts out. She finally raised her head, wiped her face with a damp cloth and silently said, welcome to motherhood!

  Chapter Fifteen

  Mandy felt better by the time Jack came to pick her up. How would he react when she told him that she might be pregnant? Would he turn his back on her? If he did, she knew that Otis and Iris would send her off to a home for unwed mothers and she’d have to put her baby up for adoption. I’ll never do
it. Nobody is gonna take my baby. I’m not ready to be a mother but if there’s a baby on the way, I’ll protect it with my life.

  Mandy felt a fierce protection for the life she carried within her and it coursed through her body. She would give her life to protect the child, and no matter what might happen today, she would not get rid of her baby, and no one was going to force her.

  Jack knocked on the door and Mandy didn’t give Iris a chance to tell her not to answer it. She slipped on her coat and hurried out to the sun porch, opened the door and said, “Come on,” as she grabbed his arm and headed down the steps. Before they reached the car she remembered to take the diamond ring out of her coat pocket and slipped it back on her finger.

  “That’s a first. I usually have to come in and be questioned for thirty minutes,” Jack said, as he opened the car door and slid under the steering wheel.

  Mandy ran around the car and slid into the passenger’s seat. Jack started the engine and was turning around in the driveway when Mandy said, “Well, those days are over. From now on, I’ll do as I damn well please.”

  Jack gave Mandy a strange look. “Well, listen to Miss Potty Mouth. You better never say a cuss word in front of Mama. She’ll have your head.”

  “Oh, really! Another mother who thinks she’ll tell me what I can say. That shit is over too.”

  “What on earth has come over you? Mama was thrilled to death to know that you’re coming today. She has a big surprise for you. But I’m not sure—”

  “I’m not sure about anything right now,” Mandy said as she stared into space.

  “You look as pale as a ghost. Did your parents give you hell about us getting married?”

  “No. They didn’t.” she paused. “So, it’s okay if you say cuss words but I can’t? Kind of double standards, don’t ya think?”

  “Men can say and do a lot of things that women can’t. And I don’t cuss around Mama.”

  Jack’s statement caused Mandy to see red. Well, I’m the woman who can and will do anything a man can, she thought, but she didn’t say anything. Now wasn’t the time. What surprise has Pearl got for me? I sure hope she hasn’t baked another cake. I’m not sure if I can hold anything down.

  The ride was in silence as they drove to Bon Harbor. Jack pulled into his parents’ driveway and Pearl was standing at the front storm door, peering out, and she had on her coat.

  “Is your mother going somewhere with us?”

  “You’ll find out. Come on in the house,” Jack said as he turned off the engine, then stepped out of the car.

  Mandy opened the car door and stepped out. She felt dizzy and she held onto the door handle for a few seconds. I’ve got the flu. Surely. I guess that’s what I get for lying and claiming to have it. I’m just two weeks and three days late. I don’t think I’d feel sick and feel like I’m going to faint this soon. Maybe I shouldn’t mention my suspicions.

  Jack ran around the car, grabbed Mandy’s hand and almost dragged her up the steps and across the porch, just as Pearl opened the storm door. “Come on in, kids.” Mandy noticed Pearl’s voice was high pitched.

  Mandy walked into the living room and saw Lester sitting on the end of the couch wearing a big smile, his usual greeting. She saw Allison, Al, and Andy were sitting on the floor in front of the TV and they barely turned to look at Mandy. They’re just like mannequins who have no expression or life to them unless their mama gives them her nod of approval.

  Mandy started to take off her coat, but Pearl said, “Keep your coat on. Follow me.”

  Mandy followed Pearl through the living room, into the dining room, through the kitchen, and on to the back door. Jack was behind Mandy, pushing her onward. Stop pushing. I’m walking as quickly as I can. What the heck is going on?

  Pearl flipped on the back porch light, then grabbed a flashlight from the overhead shelf. “I’ll shine the light. You two be careful,” she said as she headed across the back yard.

  The flashlight beam hit something shiny and Mandy blinked. A metal phantom rose in front of her. It was just sitting there, like some fantastical being from a fairy tale and her stomach twisted in a knot. She lost her breath and didn’t know what to say, or even believe what she was looking at.

  She took two more steps and that’s when she saw it. Clearly. What in tarnation, she thought, as Pearl opened the door to a small house trailer. Pearl flipped the lights on inside the trailer. “Welcome to your new home,” she said as she stepped aside, and Jack pushed Mandy up three steps.

  Mandy stood in shock. My new home? I’m having a nightmare. Surely. She felt as if spiders were making cobwebs in her mind and her head began to spin, and she was sure she would have hit the floor if Jack hadn’t been holding onto her arm. She looked at them and they were like two peas in a pod, and she thought that she’d love to shuck them and leave them somewhere not so nice.

  “It was delivered and everything was hooked up today. Lester will take the gas canisters and get them filled tomorrow. I was so happy when Jack said he was bringing you here tonight.”

  Mandy looked at Jack. “Is this what you picked out? And you didn’t even ask me?” Her heart began to beat with a tune she knew so well, and she could feel the anger building. Again, other people were choosing what was best for her, and she was sick of it.

  Pearl quickly answered, “No, I picked it out. We didn’t say anything to you because we wanted it to be a surprise. This is mine and Lester’s wedding present to you two. Jack likes it. Don’t you like it?” Pearl furrowed her brow.

  “I—I don’t know what to say. I’m very surprised. But, I—” She swallowed her next sentence. Nikko was talking in her head. It would have been nice if we could have picked out our own place. And it sure wouldn’t have been a tin box in your backyard.

  It was a nightmare; a nightmare that just kept going and going. And no Daddy to come and rescue her and hold her and tell her that it was okay. She mourned for him in her soul, and for Carnikko, the child who used to crawl up in his lap and listen to his stories. Her heart ached and she felt like a hummingbird whose wings were broken.

  “Come on,” Pearl said, as she led the way down a short hallway. “This is the bedroom.”

  Mandy could only stare. The room was only big enough to hold a full size bed, but she saw a built in counter top with a mirror hanging over it, and on each side of the counter were two doors. Pearl opened the doors, and Mandy saw a few wire hangers.

  “These are the closets. And you’ve got two drawers under the top here,” she said as she patted the counter.

  I’ll have to hop around on one foot just to make up the bed. I’m not even sure if I can squeeze between the bed to get to the drawers and closets. If you want to call those two slits in the walls closets.

  Pearl turned and started back up the small hallway, stopping in a small opening. “This is the bathroom.”

  Bathroom? The sink is the size of a soup bowl. The tub is the size of a fish tank. The commode is barely big enough for my butt to fit on it. Jack’s big butt will hang over the sides. “Uh-huh,” she managed to utter.

  Pearl took a few more steps. “I guess you saw the kitchen as we went passed it. I like the yellow color of the fridge and range.”

  A fridge? It’ll barely hold a gallon of milk and a carton of eggs. The range has two small burners that I doubt if a full size pan will fit on. And one cabinet for dishes, glasses, or whatever we have to put in it. “Uh-huh,” Mandy managed to say. She turned slightly and looked at what was the living room. It had a small couch and a straight back chair. No divider between the living room and the so-called kitchen. The whole trailer was just one big room with a few cutouts as you walked down the short hallway.

  Where the heck will I put a baby bed, she wondered, and silently prayed, Dear God, please don’t let me be pregnant. I don’t love Jack. I don’t want to live here. I don’t want—before her prayer was finished, her mind dropped away from the present and she saw, shrouded in a pink fog, a bassinet in the corner. It was
beautiful and she saw a light shining on it from the side window and she knew it was her baby.

  Love flowed and surged to her very core and her soul soared. Then gentle words cascaded through her mind and tiptoed through her heart and she knew they weren’t her thoughts. You’re carrying a baby girl. Joy flowed unchecked until she thought she would burst, and she knew nothing but pure love, and being truly blessed.

  The moment passed and Mandy teetered and grabbed Jack’s arm. “This is all coming at me so fast, I don’t know what to say.” And I really am pregnant. I have no choice but to marry Jack and live in a tin box. Lord, help me!

  They walked back across the backyard and into the house. “You don’t seem that excited,” Pearl said, and she seemed to be in a snit. “I thought you’d be more appreciative.” She hurried on her way and back into the living room, while Mandy stood rooted.

  “Did you have to be so snotty? Mother was so excited,” Jack said, and literally pushed Mandy on the back as if he couldn’t get her into the living room fast enough. “You better apologize to Mama,” he hissed under his breath.

  Apologize my ass, Mandy thought. “Stop pushing, Jack! I can walk by myself. What’s gotten into you? This whole night has been crazy. I had no idea that your mama was going to make all the decisions for us. Why didn’t you—?”

  Before Mandy finished her sentence, she found herself standing in the living room. Pearl was sitting beside Lester on the couch, and she had a scrawl on her face.

  Mandy cleared her throat. “I’m just taken aback by all this. I wasn’t expecting it and I’m at a loss for words.”

  Pearl smiled. “That’s okay. I was expecting a squeal or something from you. That’s what I usually do when I get a surprise. Now that we have your house ready, I was thinking a Christmas wedding would be nice. You and Jack can get married right here in front of the fireplace. I think that would be so sweet and—”