Out of the Shadows

by Susan Lewis

As they reached the Toyota Sasha threw her bag into the back seat and hastily scrambled in after it. Before Neve could follow Alan was taking her arm.

  ‘Hey,’ he said, laughing, ‘not so fast. Mum’s really worried about you …’

  ‘Let me go,’ Neve growled, trying to wrench her arm free.

  ‘Come on,’ he said gently, ‘we don’t want to cause a scene, but we do need to have a chat.’ Then to Ping and Sasha, ‘I’ll drop her off later. You go on now and don’t worry about dinner, I’ll make sure she has something to eat,’ and taking Neve’s bag from her he turned her around and steered her gently, but very firmly, across the street to his car.

  Hearing a knock on her dressing-room door Susannah came out of the shower room, wrapped in a towelling robe. ‘Who is it?’ she called out.

  Marlene put her head round. ‘OK to come in?’ she asked.

  Susannah nodded, and knowing exactly why she was there she waited only until the door was closed and Marlene was leaning against the vanity shelf before saying, ‘I told Alan at the weekend. He was thrilled.’

  Marlene nodded. Her expression was severe, but not entirely without feeling. ‘Then I guess I have my answer?’ she said.

  Susannah took a shuddering breath. ‘I don’t know how to apologise for this,’ she said shakily. ‘I promise, it was the last thing I wanted, or expected …’ She broke off as her voice was swallowed by a gulf of emotion.

  Coming forward, Marlene clasped her by the shoulders. ‘It’s lucky we have a good team of writers,’ she said, ‘they’ll manage to work it in, and your stunt double can take over the riding scenes. Let’s just hope you don’t start showing too soon.’

  Swallowing, Susannah attempted a smile. ‘Will you tell Michael about my decision?’ she asked hoarsely. ‘Or do you think I should?’

  Marlene’s eyes showed a depth of understanding that brought Susannah to the verge of revealing all her confused emotions. Luckily she managed to hold back, since it would only end up embarrassing them both. ‘I’ll do it, if that’s what you want,’ Marlene said.

  Not sure that it was, Susannah looked away.

  After giving her shoulders a comforting squeeze, Marlene turned away and let herself out again.

  For a long time after she’d gone Susannah stood with her head in her hands, until, picking up her mobile, she rang Neve’s number, willing her to answer. Once again she was diverted to voicemail. ‘Hi darling,’ she said, trying to sound bright. ‘I was wondering if you’d like to do some shopping for your Barcelona trip at the weekend? It’s only about six weeks away, so we should probably start getting some things together. Let me know. I’d love to talk to you anyway. Oh, and I was wondering if you’d like to spend your summer holidays up here, with me? Polly’s moving out of the lodge at the end of next week, so we’ll have it to ourselves. We might even be able to find you a job of some sort while you’re here, as a runner, or as one of the grooms. And you could learn to ride. Wouldn’t that be lovely, if we could ride together?’ Her words ran out as she remembered that she’d be able to do precious little of that from now on. ‘Please call me, darling,’ she said, hoping she wasn’t sounding as emotional as she was feeling. ‘I love you.’

  As she rang off she was trying hard to hold back the tears. If Neve’s young heart was broken over Alan, then she guessed it followed that his partner was the last person she’d want to talk to, but she was finding this rift between them almost impossible to cope with. It simply wasn’t right for them to be this way when they’d always been so close. She wished she could think of a way to reach her, but all Neve’s barriers were up at the moment, so in spite of being her mother and the one person who’d do anything for her, right now all Susannah felt she could do was follow Alan’s advice and give Neve time to come through this. Just thank goodness he was there to offer his professional support and understanding, or her darling, precious girl would be all alone with her despair.

  Looking at her mobile again, she tried to think of what she might say were she to call Michael. Nothing was feeling right, and she was so close to the edge that it wouldn’t be wise to try, anyway. She considered ringing Alan then, but almost immediately dismissed it. To her shame she wasn’t finding his happiness easy to deal with at all.

  In the end she sent Michael a text saying Marlene will be calling to let you know that the baby’s going to be scripted into the programme. I’m sorry I’m not calling myself, I just don’t think I can. S.

  A few minutes later she received a message back. I understand.

  As she gazed down at the two words tears welled large in her eyes and rolled on to her cheeks. She felt a sudden urge to call him to say she’d changed her mind, she couldn’t go through with the pregnancy, but even if she was serious, Michael wasn’t the person she should be telling. She needed to talk to Alan, but since she knew she couldn’t bring herself to hurt him so badly, she took the only other option open to her, and put it from her mind.

  ‘My God, how much cologne are you wearing?’ Patsy gasped, waving a hand in front of her face as Frank wafted into the apartment, dressed, rather soberly for him, in loose-fitting chinos and an electric blue polo shirt.

  ‘It is to add to my irresistibleness,’ he informed her cheerfully. ‘And for you, here is a corsage, which is very old-fashioned and charming, and I am sure if I keep being this romantic that you will be begging me to …’

  ‘Stop,’ she cut in before he could go any further, and taking the flowers she popped them into a vase she found under the sink, and ushered him straight back out of the door.

  ‘May I say you are looking exceptionally beautiful this evening?’ he ventured, as they strolled along the Rue St Dominique towards the restaurant he’d chosen.

  ‘You may,’ she replied, feeling at her best in a deep-amber-coloured dress that sparkled and rustled and revealed all of her slender shoulders down to her semi-exposed cleavage. Had she been dining with anyone else she might have worn the matching sandals, but as she was already at least an inch taller than Frank, she’d rejected them in favour of some gold ballet pumps.

  Since the restaurant was little more than a block from her apartment, they were soon being shown to their table on an elegant roof terrace where a young jazz trio was playing in one corner, and the tables were set with starched white linen and fresh red roses. ‘At least if you run out on me tonight I’ll have some idea why,’ she remarked, as he held out a chair for her to sit down.

  ‘I am confident it will not happen,’ he told her, sitting down too and making a point of turning off his mobile. ‘Jean-Luc is with my mother. Deux coupes,’ he said to the waiter. Then to Pats, ‘You are happy to have champagne to begin? It is a perfect June evening and we are in Paris, so …’

  ‘Champagne’s fine,’ she informed him. ‘Thank you.’

  He smiled and a small frisson of response sparkled through her. Ignoring it, she looked around admiringly. ‘This is a lovely place,’ she commented. ‘I don’t think I’ve been here before.’

  ‘It is one of my favourites,’ he told her. ‘They have excellent confit de canard.’ Then promptly dismissing it, ‘You say earlier, at the office, that we have something to discuss?’

  It was a moment before she remembered it was why they were there. ‘Yes, of course,’ she replied, sitting up a little straighter. ‘Anita’s going to be out of action for a while, so one of us needs to go and run the London office for three weeks from the twentieth of this month. Unless you particularly want to do it, I thought perhaps I should, then you’ll be on hand if your wife, or son, should need you at short notice.’

  He nodded thoughtfully, then sat back as their champagne was delivered. ‘That was a very quick discussion,’ he remarked, as though impressed. ‘And a very considerate decision. Thank you.’

  ‘Not at all,’ she murmured, and touched her glass to his.

  After he’d taken a sip he put the glass down and regarded her steadily. ‘So I am to lose you for three weeks,’ he stated ruminatively.
r />   ‘I’m sure you’ll survive,’ she responded smoothly.

  Sitting forward and affecting a low, intimate tone, he said, ‘I would like to know if you are very serious about me, because I don’t mind telling you that I am very fast becoming that way about you.’

  Feeling her cheeks starting to burn, she said, ‘I doubt you can be serious about anything, Frank. Apart from your son.’

  ‘And l’amour,’ he added darkly. ‘As a Frenchman I take affairs of the heart most seriously indeed.’

  Her eyebrows rose. ‘Really? You mean like you did in Monte Carlo?’ she challenged.

  At that a light of mischief sparked in his eyes.

  ‘Frank, don’t start playing games again,’ she warned. ‘I know nothing happened, because you’re far too honourable to take advantage of a woman in the condition I was in.’

  He was grinning. ‘You are right,’ he told her, ‘I am too much of a gentleman for that, but I have to confess that I decide to have some fun anyway. So, I lie down on the bed to make it look as though I sleep there, and I leave my jacket behind to confuse you. I think maybe you will know right away that I am tricking you, but you didn’t and then the fun becomes very much more enjoyable.’

  Her eyes narrowed. ‘For you, maybe.’

  He was still grinning. ‘Possibly. The fun for you will come when we do make love.’

  Feeling a catch in her breath, she said, ‘It’s not going to happen.’

  ‘I think that maybe it is,’ he corrected, ‘but it is good to linger in the candlelight, letting burn the anticipation, because it make us both very much in the mood, non?’

  ‘Non,’ she agreed and drank more champagne.

  He continued to gaze at her in a rapt, but slightly teasing sort of way.

  ‘You’re impossible,’ she told him.

  ‘No, I am very possible, but I must warn you, I will remember your name in the morning, and I will bring you coffee in bed, and I will send you flowers, so maybe this is something that will turn you off?’

  Shaking her head in mock despair, she said, ‘Tell me how you can be so certain I’m going to give in.’

  At that one eyebrow arched itself assertively. ‘It is because I am fantastic lover,’ he replied with unabashed pride, ‘so now you know that, I think you will be very happy to surrender.’

  Laughing, and fearing she’d never find a way to cool him down, she said, ‘I don’t think I’ve ever known anyone quite like you.’

  ‘This is good?’ he said.

  She nodded. ‘Yes, it’s good.’ Then, glancing past him, ‘I think the waiter’s trying to attract your attention.’

  ‘Neve, love, what are you doing here?’ Lola exclaimed, coming out into the hall as Neve let herself in the front door. ‘You gave me a bit of a fright. I thought you were staying at Sasha’s tonight.’

  ‘I was, but I changed my mind,’ Neve said, keeping her head down as she took off her jacket and hung it next to Lola’s everyday coat behind the door.

  ‘You should have rung,’ Lola told her. ‘How did you get here?’

  ‘I walked.’

  Lola tutted and shook her head. ‘You’d better not tell your mother,’ she said. ‘She won’t approve of you being out at this time of night on your own. It’s gone ten o’clock.’

  ‘I know. Actually, I’m really tired, so I think I’ll go straight to bed if that’s OK.’

  ‘Have you had anything to eat?’

  ‘I don’t want anything.’

  Lola watched her walk to her bedroom door, head still down. ‘Have you been crying?’ she asked. ‘Did you and Sasha have a row, or something? Is that why you’re here? And where’s your bag?’

  ‘I left it there, OK?’ Neve snapped. ‘Stop keeping on. I’ve got a headache and I don’t need anyone getting on my case right now.’

  As she slammed her bedroom door Lola stood looking at it, blinking with as much dismay as concern. Then, feeling a wave of dizziness coming over her, she went back into the sitting room to sit down for a while.

  A few minutes later, Neve came out of her room to apologise. ‘I didn’t mean to bite your head off,’ she said. ‘I’m really sorry, it’s just I’m feeling a bit stressed at the moment.’

  When Lola didn’t respond she stole a glance at her, then suddenly the colour drained from her face. ‘Lola!’ she gasped, dropping to her knees and grabbing Lola’s hands. ‘Are you all right?’

  ‘Yes, yes, I’m fine,’ Lola managed to croak. ‘Just a bit of a turn. Nothing to worry about.’

  ‘Are you sure? Shall I get you something? Maybe I should call the doctor.’

  ‘A glass of water would be nice,’ Lola rasped, ‘and my blood-pressure pills. I must have forgotten to take them today.’

  Dashing into the kitchen Neve grabbed the pills, poured some water into a glass, and ran back again. ‘Here,’ she said, tipping the bottle into her hand and feeding two into Lola’s mouth.

  Lola sucked them in, then drank some water to wash them down. ‘That’s better,’ she said breathily. ‘I’ll be right as rain in a minute.’

  ‘I’m going to call Mum,’ Neve said, standing up.

  ‘No, no, you don’t want to go worrying her now. I’ll just sit here a minute, then you can give me a hand getting into bed.’

  Neve gazed into her beloved old face, and wanted to cry because she loved her so much and she’d been so horrible to her just now that maybe this was all her fault too, like everything else that was happening.

  ‘Oh my, those aren’t tears, are they?’ Lola chided. ‘Come here, you daft old thing.’

  Sinking into Lola’s ready embrace, Neve swallowed hard on the lump in her throat and snuggled up warmly against her.

  ‘Would you like to come and sleep in with me tonight?’ Lola offered.

  ‘Yes, please,’ Neve answered.

  Helping Lola to her feet, Neve walked her into the bedroom and started to unbutton her blouse. ‘You don’t have to go fussing now,’ Lola told her, pushing her hands away. ‘I can manage. You go and get yourself sorted out, then you can come and read me a story. We’ll have some Harry Potter, shall we? And there’s a nice bar of chocolate in the fridge, we could have a bite of that each, mm?’

  After changing into her nightie Neve came back into the room to find Lola lying against the pillows, already starting to doze. ‘It’s probably a bit late for a story,’ she said, realising Lola needed to sleep.

  ‘You’re a good girl,’ Lola murmured as Neve climbed in beside her.

  For a while Neve lay staring into the darkness, listening to Lola’s deepening breaths and wishing the night would swallow her up so that she wouldn’t have to worry about anything any more.

  ‘What is it, my love?’ Lola whispered, reaching for her hand. ‘I know there’s something, so why don’t you get it off your chest?’

  Thinking of the turn her great-aunt had just had, Neve said, ‘There’s nothing, honestly.’ After a lengthy silence, not really knowing if Lola was still awake, she said, ‘I was thinking, do you happen to have Dad’s number?’

  There was a beat before Lola said, ‘No, I don’t, but Mum will, we can …’

  ‘No, it’s OK,’ Neve interrupted. ‘Don’t worry. She’ll only want to know why I’m asking and it might upset her if she thinks I want to get in touch with him. Don’t even tell her I mentioned it, all right? It’s better that she doesn’t know.’

  Chapter Twenty-Six

  ‘POLLY, WOULD YOU have any idea what’s happened to all the cosmetics that were here, on the table?’ Susannah asked as Polly came into the lodge kitchen.

  Polly tossed a quick glance at the few face masks and samples Susannah was holding and said, ‘I shared them out, the way we’re supposed to.’

  ‘I see,’ Susannah said carefully. ‘But there were at least a dozen boxes here last night, now there’s only this. That doesn’t seem a particularly equal sort of sharing.’

  ‘Oh, for heaven’s sake, if you want to make an issue of it …’
/>   ‘Only in so far,’ Susannah cut in sharply, ‘as they were sent to me, personally, to review, and because of a conflict of interests I brought them here, for you, to ask if you’d like to try them out instead.’

  Reddening to the roots of her hair, Polly said, ‘I assumed one of the PR people had left them there.’

  Susannah’s eyebrows rose, and handing over the rest of the products she said, ‘A thank-you would be nice, but in your own time,’ and smiling sweetly she swept out of the lodge to start walking along the drive to the Centre.

  Scoring points off Polly might be gratifying for five minutes, but it was soon forgotten as everything else came crowding back in on her. She’d had a brief conversation with Neve this morning, who was now saying she didn’t want to go to Barcelona. Then Lola had broken the disturbing news that Neve wanted to be in touch with her father. It wasn’t that Susannah objected, particularly, she just didn’t understand why Neve had suddenly changed her mind now when she’d been so adamant about having nothing to do with him before.

  ‘Actually, the answer’s quite simple,’ Alan said, when she rang to tell him. ‘The way she’s perceiving things is that she’s lost me, so now she’s going in search of her real father to try and fill the void.’

  Feeling her heart contract with an over powering need to fill every void Neve could ever possibly have, Susannah said, ‘So should I give her Duncan’s number?’

  ‘I don’t think so, not yet. In the long run it might be a good idea if she is in touch with him, but let’s be sure she’s prepared for it. She still has quite a lot of anger stored away towards him, so any kind of scene with him could cause her a lot of emotional damage while she’s still quite fragile.’

  ‘Oh God,’ Susannah murmured, ‘I wish there was something I could do.’

  ‘You’re doing exactly what you should in telling me, so I can try to sort it out.’

  ‘But if it’s you she’s heartbroken over, surely it’s making it worse for her to keep seeing you?’

  ‘On the contrary, as long as she understands that I’m not rejecting her in a paternal way, she’ll always have our relationship to hold on to. She just needs to get things into balance, and she will, you can be sure of that. Now, where are you at the moment?’