Elliot and the Last Underworld War

by Jennifer A. Nielsen

  Elliot closed his eyes and tried to picture what that must have looked like to Minthred. He remembered how surprised he had been when he first saw the Brownies standing in his bedroom, and there were only three of them. Minthred's surprise must have been a lot bigger. And a lot worse.

  "I hid in my bed for a while," Minthred wrote. "But one cannot hide from anything so awful for long. Besides, my goats were afraid too, and we couldn't all fit under the blanket."

  Elliot scrunched up his face. He wouldn't invite a whole herd of goats to share his bed, whether they'd fit in there or not. No matter how scared they were.

  Minthred continued, "I was finally forced to leave the safety of my bed, mostly because my goats ate the blanket. I knew that to face the war I needed the courage that would only come from a tall cup of turnip juice with just a bit of goat spit in it."

  Elliot smiled. The Brownies also loved turnip juice, although he didn't think they added any goat spit to theirs. At least, he hoped not. Ick! Then he kept reading.

  "But when I came to the battle, the Demon Kovol saw my drink. He smelled the turnip juice and roared that he was thirsty. His roar was so loud that all the earwax popped from my ears and fell into the cup. I dropped it and ran for my life. Kovol picked up the cup and drank it. All I know is that after drinking, he fell to the ground, fast asleep. The creatures cheered for me and said that I must be the finest of all wizards. They were so happy, I couldn't tell them I was only a simple goat herder, and that I had no idea why Kovol fell asleep."

  And that was it. The last of the entry. The secret page that the Elves believed contained some all-powerful plan to defeat Kovol. What would they think if they knew that page had been written by some goat herder whose only magical power seemed to be the gift of producing an extreme amount of earwax?

  Elliot slammed the book shut and then called for--how did he pronounce that again? Not Toe Jam. Maybe he could just call the Elf by his first name. Was it Slimy? Elliot groaned. If he couldn't remember the Elf's name, how could he possibly call him to come back and return Elliot to Burrowsville?

  Elliot waited in the tree for a moment before someone finally poofed up to see him. Only it wasn't the Elf.

  It was Fidget, carrying a mirror in one hand and her wand in the other. She briefly glanced at him before returning to study herself in the mirror. "We're about to fight a war, and you're up here reading?" she asked.

  He looked at the book. "The Elves gave it to me. But it wasn't very helpful."

  "I could've told you that!" Fidget said.

  "Why? Have you read it?"

  Fidget scrunched up her nose. "Hello? Does it look like I read totally boring, thousand-year-old books?"

  "I didn't think you read any books at all," Elliot said.

  Fidget rapped him on the head with her wand for that, then said, "I happen to read the awesome magazine Totally Awesome Teen, and it is totally awesome. Your book is obviously a waste of time, because if it had anything important to say, Minthred would have covered it in pink glitter!"

  She touched her wand to the book, which disappeared from his hands. "Hey!" he said.

  "I sent it safely under your pillow at home. If you want to be bored, then read it there." Her eyes flicked up and down Elliot's body in disapproval. "You totally don't look like someone ready to lead an Underworld war," she said. "I mean, half your shirt is burned. And there's stuff on your shoulder that turned your skin green."

  It was the paste that Patches had put on his burn from the Shadow Man. But Elliot wasn't in the mood to explain that to a Pixie princess. Actually, he didn't want to explain to anyone why his skin was green.

  "Go away," he said. "I'm waiting for that Elf who brought me here. Do...do you remember his name?"

  "It's Slimmy Tojam." Fidget closed one eye to magically dab a little color on the lid with her wand. Then a draft of wind tossed her up in the air, and she poked herself in the eye. Her eye turned pink, the color she had planned to put on her lid. "Ow!" she said. Then she did a quick check in the mirror. "Oh, groovy! I look so awesome."

  "What about Mr. Tojam?" Elliot said.

  "Oh. He's not coming back."

  "Why not?"

  She sighed. "Obviously, I sent him away. You'll have to get back to Burrowsville on your own."

  "I can't--"

  "Sure you can." Fidget lowered her mirror. "Do I have to explain everything to you, human?"

  Elliot rolled his eyes. "You haven't explained anything to me."

  "Oh, that's right." Fidget giggled and turned almost as pink as her eye. "How totally embarrassing! Well, here's the TBNN--totally brand-new news. It's the awesomest news you've probably ever had." Her tiny nose wrinkled. "Well, let's be honest. You probably don't get a lot of awesome news. I mean, your family doesn't even have enough money to give you a shirt without a hole in the armpit. And you've had a bully for almost as long as you've been alive. And you're king of the Brownies, who are, like, the lamest creatures ever when it comes to styling their hair. So I could probably tell you anything, and it would still be better than your usual news."

  Elliot was tired of this. "What's the news, Fidget?"

  She huffed. "Well, if you are going to lead us through this Underworld war, then the Pixies will help. And we thought, what is the awesomest thing we could do for you?" Her face brightened. "I'm the one who thought of this idea! I'm so proud of me." Then for no clear reason, she playfully punched Elliot in the arm, which hurt a lot, considering that her whole body was only the size of his arm. "How lucky are you that we're friends?"

  "Obviously, the luckiest kid in the universe," Elliot muttered. "Now, what's the news?"

  Fidget waved her wand and glitter poured all over him. It tingled and even tickled wherever it landed. He tried to brush it off, but that only rubbed it into his skin.

  "Yay!" Fidget exclaimed.

  "That's your big surprise?" Elliot asked. Whatever the glitter was for, it had come from the Pixies. Which meant he didn't like it, or trust it, even one bit.

  Fidget frowned, clearly disappointed that he was not impressed. "Fine. If you don't care about it now, then maybe this will make you care."

  His eyes narrowed. "What will make me care?"

  She smiled and then aimed her wand at him. "Bye-bye."

  With a slight pop, the branch beneath Elliot disappeared, and he found himself hurtling toward the ground. He knew he'd been high up before, but at the speed he was falling, the hard ground was only seconds away.

  "Fid...get!" he yelled. "Help me!"

  "Help yourself," she said, calmly flying beside him.

  "What?"

  "Just think about stopping, and you will."

  "I can't!"

  "Try it."

  He flapped his arms and tried to think about stopping. But mostly all he could think about was panicking. And as everyone who has ever panicked before knows, it's not helpful for any kind of thinking.

  Elliot looked down and saw the ground rushing up toward him. "Fidget! Help!"

  "Think about stopping!" she insisted. "It's really important for you to do that. Right now!"

  Elliot shut his eyes and whispered, "Stop, stop, stop," and then he yelled, "Stop!"

  And everything stopped.

  Elliot peeked with one eye, just to be sure he hadn't splattered onto the ground. Because if he had, he really didn't want to see what he looked like now.

  Nope, he was still in one piece, and, oddly, he wasn't on the ground at all. Using both eyes now, he saw that the ground was in fact an inch or two below him. He had stopped in midair.

  He blew out a heavy puff of air and landed on his face. Still lying flat on the ground, Elliot said, "Thank you, Fidget."

  She landed gently on the ground beside him and sat on a small rock. "I didn't do that," she said. "You totally did it."

  He lifted his head to look at her. A leaf was stuck to his forehead, but he left it there. "I did that? How?"

  Fidget smiled. "Our gift to you is Pixie magic. You pro
bably won't know how to use most of it, but you'll figure things out as you go. Totally awesome, right?"

  "Totally." Elliot sat up and studied his hands. "I've got magic?" To test it, he raised his burned shoulder and thought the words, Fix it.

  Answering his magical call, the threads of the shirt regained their color and wove themselves back together. The paste disappeared too, although Elliot noticed his skin was still a little green.

  "Cool!" Elliot said.

  "Lame," Fidget said. "I just gave you Pixie magic, and you use it to fix a shirt that doesn't even match my dress!"

  "Okay. I can do better." Elliot stood and rubbed his hands together. Then he looked around for something bigger to test his magic on. He spotted Fidget's wand and wondered why she needed one and he didn't. Remembering the old cops-and-robbers games he used to play years ago, he closed one eye and pointed a finger at Fidget. "This is a stickup, so drop it!"

  Just as he had hoped for, a spark of light shot from Elliot's finger and hit the wand, knocking it to the ground. But then a tall stick flew up from nearby and grabbed the back of Fidget's dress, carrying her high up into the air. Fidget screamed something about what she planned to do to him once she got down from there.

  "Let her go, let her go!" Elliot cried. The stick immediately released her, and after a brief fall, Fidget's wings fluttered in the air. Her wand flew back into her hand, and she jetted angry sparks toward Elliot. He ducked, but the ends of his hair still got a little singed.

  "That was so not awesome!" Fidget said. "What were you trying to do? Make me break a nail?"

  "I thought it would only make you drop your wand," Elliot said. "I wondered if Pixie magic was strong enough to do that."

  "Our magic isn't strong," Fidget said. "It's tricky. So be careful when using words like 'stickup.'"

  "Sorry." Elliot scratched his head. "I bet it's strong enough for any reason I'd need it, though." It would've been cool to have this magic a year ago when Tubs Lawless was bullying him. But after Elliot won the Goblin war, he'd stood up to Tubs and hadn't been bullied since. Maybe he could ask Tubs to hit him one more time, just for the memories. Then zapowie! Pixie magic revenge!

  Of course, with Elliot's luck, the Pixies would play a joke and take away his magic. Then it would just be za-nothing and a sore arm for Elliot where Tubs punched him.

  "Our magic only helps you with tricks, not strength," Fidget said, still annoyed. "So stop playing around. It's time to fight Kovol."

  "Can I fly?"

  "We gave you magic, not wings."

  Elliot didn't want wings anyway. He'd have to put holes in all of his shirts to fit them. Also, it would be hard to hide the wings from his mom. She would notice something like that.

  "How do I poof?" Elliot asked. "I can do that, right?"

  "Of course. That's like preschool magic. As clearly as you can, think of the place where you want to go, and then send yourself there." She tossed her hair behind her. "So where are we going?"

  "I'm going home to check on my family," Elliot said. "You're going back to Burrowsville. I want everyone who can do battle to meet me in Demon Territory in one hour. Then we start to fight back."

  For the first time, Fidget didn't seem to care how she looked or sounded. Her shoulders slumped and she said, "We gave you the best gift we could, Elliot. You have to help us win this war or everything will be destroyed."

  Elliot smiled. "I will help. Totally."

  Elliot's first ever experience of poofing himself somewhere wasn't as smooth as he had expected it to be. Finally he understood why the Brownies had so much difficulty poofing humans and why the Pixies made it such a rough trip. It was hard to take yourself out of one place and put yourself back together in another. There was a lot more to it than just thinking about where you wanted to go. The trip had happened in less than a second, and yet in some ways it felt more like an hour. At one point Elliot forgot to bring his feet along (and as you can probably understand, Dear Reader, his feet were very upset about being left behind--feet are picky about things like that), but when he opened his eyes, he was inside the bedroom of his house, feet and all.

  The first thing Elliot did was to look under his pillow for Minthred's book. It was there, exactly as Fidget told him it would be. He retrieved it, then slid the book under his bed, far from where anyone might find it. Then he pulled off his shirt and shoved that under his bed too. He studied his green shoulder. The color had faded a little, but the burn seemed to have gone away. At least it didn't sting anymore.

  He went to his closet for another shirt. The first one he reached for had a small ketchup stain on the sleeve. The second one was comfortable and in good condition, but it was a strange shade of blue. Fidget would say it didn't look like the sort of thing the leader of an Underworld war would wear.

  "Argh!" Elliot said in frustration, then pulled the blue shirt from his closet. If he was going to fight an Underworld war, then he should at least be comfortable while doing it.

  Next he went downstairs to find something to eat. Wendy might not be the best cook ever, but he was pretty sure her food was better than whatever he might find in Demon Territory.

  Or, wait--he had magical powers now. He could have any food he wanted. He could magic himself up a thick hamburger with all the toppings and a whole plate of fries. Or a big bowl of spaghetti. Or even a tray of doughnuts...with their holes. This magic thing was great!

  "There you are," Wendy said when she saw him coming down the stairs. "I made you a sandwich an hour ago. It's been sitting for a while, so it's probably all dried out, but we can't waste the food."

  Elliot's image of the doughnuts popped in his head like someone had put a pin to a balloon. He still wanted to use some magic to make himself lunch, but Wendy was sure to notice. He couldn't figure out any way to convince her that the doughnuts had just been left on the front porch by the mailman, or any other excuse.

  Wendy was sitting on the couch still watching the news stories about the sinkholes. He grabbed the sandwich and took a bite, which promptly stuck in his throat. It took three swallows to get it down, and then it sat like a lump in his empty stomach. It was dry all right, like eating a piece of the Sahara Desert.

  Dear Reader, if you are looking for a fun place to spend your summer vacation, consider the Sahara Desert. It's as large as the entire United States, so you'll have plenty of room to play. Many different nomadic groups live there, so you're sure to meet lots of interesting people. And if you aren't attacked by sand vipers, scorpions, or the Saharan cheetah, you should be just fine. Unless there's a sandstorm. Or if you run out of water and can't find even one drop for hundreds of miles around you. Or if you forget to bring an extension cord long enough to charge your video game player. Also, you should know that you won't find many swimming pools in the Sahara Desert, so don't worry about packing a swimsuit. You won't need it.

  While thinking of the hamburger he could be eating right now, Elliot choked down the rest of the Sahara Desert sandwich and then sat beside his sister.

  She pointed to the television screen. "Look at this! Some new sinkholes started appearing on Main Street about ten minutes ago. Luckily nobody was hurt, but a lot of parked cars fell in."

  Elliot looked around the room. "Where is everyone?"

  "The twins went to make sure Uncle Rufus's jail hasn't sunk," Wendy said. Uncle Rufus had the unfortunate habit of stealing shiny things. Every time he got caught, he claimed he was too old to remember that it was still against the law to steal things. That trick had only worked the first ten times. Elliot wished Wendy hadn't let the twins go, but at least the jail wasn't anywhere near Main Street.

  "What about Reed?" he asked.

  "He had to work at the Quack Shack," Wendy said. "I told him not to go, but Reed says he'll get fired if he doesn't have a good reason for not showing up."

  "The Quack Shack is in the middle of all those sinkholes," Elliot said. "I think he has a really good reason not to go!"

  "Reed didn't k
now about the holes when he left. But when they started happening, Cami said she'd go try to stop him. I'm sure they'll be back soon. Shh, the reporter's talking."

  The cameras went live on Main Street, where the reporter explained that although most sinkholes are round, these new ones on Main Street had different shapes to them. "It's as if someone below the earth collapsed them to look just this way," he explained.

  Then the camera cut to an overhead shot from a helicopter. At the angle the cameraman was shooting from, the shapes didn't appear to mean anything. The one at the top looked like a square M. Down from that shape were two sideways lines, and then there was a third, shorter line with a dot beside it. Next was a perfectly round hole, and finally, another sideways line at the bottom.

  "What could these symbols mean?" the reporter asked. "Is it some message from aliens to Earth? A warning perhaps?"

  "It's not aliens," Elliot mumbled. But it definitely was a warning.

  "I guess we'll never know what it means," Wendy said. "I'll bet scientists will study this for years."

  Elliot tilted his head to the side and looked at the Main Street sinkholes differently. "It's my name," he said. Looked at sideways, the square M was an E. The two lines were lowercase Ls. Then the rest of the letters in his name followed.

  Wendy laughed. "What? No." She tilted her head too, and said, "Your name has a T at the end. That last sinkhole shape just looks like another lowercase L. Your name isn't Elliol."

  "I'm telling you, that's my name," Elliot said.

  "You're being ridiculous!"

  Then the camera shook and the reporter yelled, "It's happening again!" A puff of dirt rose in the air. When it cleared, the camera focused in on the newest sinkhole. Elliot sighed. Kovol had crossed the T.