by J. Sterling
It was exactly like Katherine had seen in her dream. Taylor placed the lilies on the top of his headstone and leaned in to kiss the picture of Austen’s face. She talked softly to him and said things Katherine couldn’t hear. When Taylor had moved away, Katherine picked up a couple of the small white rocks from the base of his headstone and held them in her palm. Warm sparks shot through her fingers.
“Taylor, would it be weird if I kept a couple of these?”
She smirked. “Not any weirder than you already are.”
Katherine settled the two small rocks into the coin part of her wallet. “So that you’re always with me, wherever I go,” she murmured under her breath.
The sound of tires crunching against gravel forced Katherine to look toward the cemetery entrance. “Taylor, is that Kylie’s car?”
Taylor looked over her shoulder and inhaled deeply. “Sure is. This ought to be fun.”
Kylie parked her car behind Taylor’s and opened her door slowly. She took a few steps before she spotted Katherine and abruptly stopped. “You’ve got to be kidding me. Why is she here?”
Katherine stood up and pleaded, “Kylie, please.”
“Don’t talk to me. I already told you that. God, are you stupid?” Kylie turned around and stalked back toward her car.
Katherine’s mind flashed to the image of Kylie the day of Austen’s funeral. She flinched as she remembered the sound of Kylie’s anguished wails. Before she could stop herself, she called out, “He loved you so much.”
Kylie stopped.
“Oh jeez, Kat. Don’t do this,” Taylor begged.
Kylie whipped around and glared at her. “What did you say to me?” she asked furiously.
Katherine chose her words carefully. “He told me how much he truly loved you.”
“Shut up! I do not want to hear that you are talking to him. I don’t want to hear anything about Austen from your mouth. Do you understand that?” She hurried to her car and jerked the door open, before turning around and saying, “Why don’t you just go back to California and leave us all alone?” Kylie slammed her door closed and sped away.
Katherine sat back down, dejected. She faced Taylor and confessed, “I was only trying to help.”
“I know,” Taylor said. “I just don’t think you should talk about my brother to Kylie. Put yourself in her shoes. How would you feel?”
Taylor’s words sank in, and suddenly it was as if a switch flipped in Katherine’s head. “I think that’s what your brother was trying to show me last night,” she said excitedly. “I think he wanted me to understand Kylie’s pain. He needed me to really see how she felt about him to truly understand.”
Katherine slapped her palm against her forehead. “God, I’m such an idiot.”
“Don’t beat yourself up.” Taylor helped pull Katherine to her feet. “We should probably get going.”
Chapter Ten
“Thank you so much for your hospitality. It was really nice to be here.” Katherine dropped her overnight bag to the floor and hugged Taylor’s mom.
“It was nice to have you. Come back soon, okay?”
“We will,” Katherine promised and turned to Blake. “Don’t forget to come visit us soon. We’ll have so much fun.”
Blake ducked his head and said quietly, “I will.”
Katherine walked out the front door and toward Taylor’s waiting car. The thought of going back to school was exciting, but the thought of seeing Cooper again made her feelings jumble up inside. She slid into the passenger seat and closed the door, then Taylor sped off.
They drove in silence for a while, then Taylor turned on the radio. Katherine felt herself relax as Taylor began to sing along with the radio, and soon they were belting out tunes together.
When they neared the campus, Taylor turned down the radio and glanced over at Katherine. “Are you nervous to see Cooper?”
“A little. I don’t know how I feel right now, you know?”
“Yeah. But you still like him, right?” Taylor asked, turning down the volume on the radio.
“Of course. He’s perfect. But…it’s just not the same as the way I feel about your brother.”
Katherine realized that rationally, she should be head over heels in love with Cooper Donovan. But love, feelings, and emotions weren’t always rational. The bond between her and Austen had nothing to do with logic…or rationality. It wouldn’t be easy to walk away from him and into Cooper’s arms, even though she assumed it probably should be.
“Right. My brother…the guy who isn’t alive.” Taylor forced the words out.
“I know it’s crazy. But the way I feel when I’m with your brother is unlike anything I’ve ever known. I can’t explain to you how deep my emotions run. I don’t know how.” She struggled to find the right words, but nothing sounded perfect enough.
“Just don’t give up on Cooper, okay? He deserves more from you than that,” Taylor insisted. “Plus, if you let him go, do you know how many stupid girls you’d make happy? They’re too annoying to be that happy.”
Katherine laughed. “I’d completely forgotten about all those girls. Listen, I care about Cooper a lot. I just need to see how I feel when I see him.”
“Well, here’s your chance.” Taylor pulled her car into the dorm’s parking lot and noticed Danny immediately. “Because there they are.”
The dozen red roses he held stood out more than he did in his ripped jeans and tight black T-shirt. Cooper stood next to him in jeans and a dark blue shirt, holding three sunflowers.
Katherine felt chills course through her as her heart raced. She rubbed at the goose bumps on her arms, proof that she was definitely still attracted to him.
“I’m getting sweaty,” Katherine admitted to Taylor, who laughed in relief.
“Thank goodness for that.”
“I knew you’d want to know.”
“Well, at least you still like the guy.”
Danny ran to Taylor’s side of the car as she pulled into a parking spot and turned off the engine. He opened her door and she hopped out, leaping into his arms. “For me?” she said as she nodded toward the roses.
“I missed you so much.” Danny handed them to her and proceeded to plant kisses all over her face. Taylor struggled to push him away, but he only tightened his grip.
“I just got back…ugh, don’t annoy me already!” she joked.
“You love it. You love me, remember?” Danny teased.
“I can take that back,” she shot back at him playfully.
“Nope. No take-backs.”
Katherine’s heart pounded a million miles a minute as she watched Cooper head toward her. “I missed you too. A lot,” he said, a tentative smile tugging at his lips. She smiled, but didn’t respond as he handed her the sunflowers.
She grabbed them as Cooper wrapped his arms around her and pulled her close. He stared down at her, scanning her features slowly before he leaned in and pressed his lips against hers. She heard him softly sigh as his lips parted, and his tongue searched tentatively for hers. Exhiliration rushed through her as she threw her arms around his neck and kissed him back, but a part of her that felt like she was being unfaithful to Austen. She knew deep down it was crazy, but she couldn’t help it. Was this cheating?
Cooper sensed her hesitation and pulled away. “Is everything okay?” he asked, a note of uncertainty in his voice.
“I’m just really tired. Thank you so much for my flowers. That was really sweet of you. And sunflowers are my favorite! How’d you know?”
He grinned, his eyes twinkling. “I didn’t. The moment I saw them in the store, I thought of you.”
“You have good intuition, Mr. Donovan.” She was surprised at how easy it was to fall back into being with him. There was a level of comfort between them that she genuinely appreciated. It would be so easy to give her whole heart to him, if she had it to give.
“Did you have a good time at Taylor’s?” he asked, reaching for her hand.
Katherine nod
ded. “Her family is so great. It was really nice. How about you?”
“Lots of hockey, lots of family, and lots of food. The perfect way to spend any break.” He smiled. “You’re so pretty. I missed your face.”
“I missed your eye.” She ran her thumb down the side of his face.
In moments like these, Katherine wished everything could be far less complicated. But she knew for that to happen, it would come at a price she wasn’t willing to pay. Giving up Austen for Cooper wasn’t something she wanted to do. Honestly, it wasn’t something she thought she was capable of doing.
“I feel like you’re a million miles away, California,” he said, his voice shaking slightly.
“I’m sorry, Coop. I really am tired.” She sensed his discomfort as she longed to be alone with her thoughts.
“Okay,” he offered, his tone filled with disbelief.
She almost blurted it all out—how she dreamed about a guy she found out was Taylor’s dead brother. She wanted to be honest with Cooper and tell him everything, but feared that she couldn’t. At least not yet. Not while the revelations were still so new. Katherine figured he’d ask a million questions that she wouldn’t have the answers to, and decided that wouldn’t be fair to him.
He pulled her close for one last hug as she contemplated her situation. She could do this. She’d see Austen at night when she slept, and be a normal girl during the day like everyone else. She almost laughed out loud at the thought. Nothing about this situation was normal and she questioned if anything about her was. Surely this sort of thing didn’t happen to “normal” people.
Cooper broke the silence. “Do you want to get some dinner after my practice later?”
“Not tonight. I have a paper I need to start writing and I’m probably going to crash early. Maybe tomorrow?” It wasn’t a complete lie. She did have a paper to write and the week at Taylor’s had been emotionally exhausting. But she also really wanted to see Austen again and the only way she could do that was if she was asleep.
“All right then. Tomorrow. I’m holding you to it.” He bit his bottom lip the way she loved and leaned in to kiss her good-bye. “I’ll remind you then.”
“Remind me…about what?” she questioned with half a smile.
“How incredible it is to be with me…’cause you’ve obviously forgotten.” He smiled at her, his confidence obviously back.
She laughed. “Thanks again for the flowers.”
She watched as Cooper walked toward Danny, grabbed him by the sleeve, and practically dragged him away from Taylor while she laughed.
****
Danny smirked. “I love her.”
“We know. The whole school knows, genius,” Cooper teased, tossing his arm around his buddy’s shoulder.
“How was Katherine?” Danny asked.
Cooper shifted uneasily and his eyes narrowed. “She was weird. Something was off.” He sensed something had changed with his girl. He didn’t know what it was, but he wasn’t stupid.
“What do you mean?”
“I don’t know. She’s just different, I know it. I hate that I feel like this.” He shook his head.
“Feel like what?”
Cooper huffed, “All out of control. Like I have no say in how this girl feels about me. It’s like nothing I do matters to her the way it would to other girls.”
Danny laughed and reminded him, “Well, you always said she’s not like other girls.”
“I know, but I’ve never had to work this hard before. Don’t get me wrong, I want to work this hard for her. But I want her to want me back.” Cooper wanted Katherine; he had never minced words about that fact. But no one wanted to played like a fool, least of all him. The thought of wanting someone who didn’t want him in return was a new one, and he didn’t like it one bit.
“Don’t worry about it, bro. Maybe you’re reading into it.”
Cooper hesitated before agreeing. “Maybe you’re right.”
“Besides, bro, who can resist your charms?” Danny winked and Cooper socked him.
****
Taylor rushed over to Katherine as she held the door open with her foot. Flowers spilled out of their arms.
“So? How sweet are our guys?” Taylor asked. Katherine laughed at how Taylor’s voice gave away the fact that she was totally smitten.
“They are pretty thoughtful.” Katherine turned to see the Cooper and Danny waving from the Jeep. The girls smiled and waved back. They lugged their bags up to their room and tossed them simultaneously onto the floor.
“I think I’m going to head over there after they get done with practice. Did you wanna come with?” Taylor raised her eyebrows.
“Not tonight. I’m really tired and I have a paper to write.”
“Seriously? Is that what you’re telling people?” Katherine shot Taylor a look of confusion, but Taylor saw through it. “What’s going on?”
“I really am tired, Tay. I feel emotionally wrecked.” She wanted to be brutally honest with Taylor, but she didn’t want to feel judged by her. “And honestly, I really miss your brother.”
There. She’d admitted it. Out loud.
“Oh no.”
And here comes the judging. “Oh no, what?” Katherine bit back defensively.
“You can’t start doing this.” Taylor’s voice rose with concern.
“Start doing what, exactly?”
“You can’t stop living your life, or seeing Cooper, because you want to see my brother. I love my brother, but that’s just creepy, Kat.”
Katherine sat on top of her bed. “I’m not stopping living my life, Taylor. It’s only one night. And I am tired,” she snapped.
She should have known Taylor wouldn’t understand. How could she? No one could relate to how Katherine was feeling because no one had ever experienced anything like this before. She would just have to keep all things Austen to herself from now on.
Taylor placed her hand on her hip and cocked her head to one side. “Right. One night will turn into two…and then two will turn into three…and then—”
“I get it. It’s not going to happen, okay? I think I have a little more self-control than that.” Katherine sighed inside, not actually sure that she did. “Would you even care that I was doing this if there was no Cooper Donovan in the picture?”
It seemed, to Katherine at least, that all the negatives about Austen revolved around Cooper. She started to wonder if Coop was the reason this was even a problem at all. If there were no Cooper, then maybe Taylor wouldn’t give her so much grief. Maybe Taylor would be happy for her and encourage her to be with Austen.
Taylor seemed to ponder the question for a minute before she answered. She looked at Katherine and said, “I think that if there was no Cooper Donovan, it would still be creepy if all you wanted to do was sleep to see my brother. I’d like to think that if there was just dream Austen in your life, I’d still want you to go out and live, and I’d be concerned if you stopped doing that. Know what I mean?”
Katherine recognized the truth in Taylor’s words, but she didn’t believe her entirely. “I get what you’re saying, I do. But I still think that Cooper changes things, whether you realize it or not.”
“You might be right,” Taylor admitted. “Cooper probably does change things. He’s real, he’s alive, and he’s a really good guy. If he was a complete jerk it would be one thing, but there’s not a single jerky thing about him.”
Katherine rose from her bed, gathered her school things together, and headed out the door to the campus library while Taylor stayed behind and napped. Apparently it was okay for Taylor to sleep. Katherine was thankful for the time alone. She needed to be by herself and sort things out. She started to worry that she wasn’t built to balance two guys. And if that was the case, she knew which one was going to lose. At least right now. She also knew she’d never hear the end of it from Taylor if that happened. Or anyone else for that matter.
But how could she possibly be expected to choose Cooper when she felt the wa
y she did about Austen? She knew that any rational and sane person would choose the guy who was still alive. But her emotions weren’t derived from rational thought. The heart wants what it wants; it can’t be reasoned with. She wondered how she was supposed to explain that to anyone to make them understand. But then, she knew she couldn’t. This wasn’t something that anyone else could understand. It had to be experienced to be believed. And last time she checked, no one else was dreaming about their best friend’s dead brother.
Katherine studied for a few hours at the library before walking back to the dorm. Taylor was already gone by the time she returned, so she washed her face and headed to bed. Even knowing it was wrong, she looked forward to being asleep and finally seeing Austen. She felt like she’d been putting it off all day.
Sleep eluded her at first, causing her to toss and turn relentlessly. Eventually, she drifted off.
****
She sat in the sand and played with Brody. Austen stood silently behind her and watched.
“We have to talk about him at some point,” he said softly.
“Talk about who?” She knew exactly who Austen referred to, but she longed to avoid the topic.
“The other guy in your life,” he said, dropping to the sand next to her.
“Why do we have to talk about Cooper? I don’t want to talk about him. I just want to be with you.” She scooted closer to him and pressed her head against his shoulder. He wrapped his arm around her waist and held her tight, brushing his lips against the top of her head as he ran his fingers through her long hair.
“A stronger man would walk away from you and let you live your life.” Her breathing quickened as fear ripped through her. “Clearly, I’m not that strong.” He brushed his hand down her cheek as calm quickly replaced the fear. “We can’t ignore the fact that Cooper’s a big part of your life.”
