by Jolene Perry
“Well, if I don’t see you before, I bet I’ll see you in two weeks? Is that your schedule?” Andy asked as Devin put his hands on her chair.
“That’s my schedule.”
“Thanks for the fries, Nathan.” She waved as her husband wheeled her out of the room. “I’ll see you in a couple weeks.” She looked over her shoulder at me. “And I may call you…” She rolled her eyes again.
My mom came back with a small tray of food that looked completely unappetizing. My short visit had worn me out. I lay my head back on my pillow.
“Maybe we should go.” Mom’s lips pulled together.
I nodded. SpongeBob had just finished up, and Nathan was done with his lunch.
“I’m glad I got to see you today, Nathan. I probably won’t be home until after your bedtime tonight. Be nice to Grandma Lila.” I smiled at my mom.
Nathan gave me a wave as he followed Mom out the door.
Being alone brought a wave of relief. I closed my eyes and hoped the rest of the day would pass quickly. I laid still and wished for sleep.
- - -
Brian’s warm hand touched my arm, waking me. “Where’s someone?”
“I wanted to be alone. Mom and Nathan dropped by, and I met a girl named Andy. It was an okay day.” My voice came out in a whisper, my body felt queasy and tired.
“Really?” He didn’t believe me. I could see it on his face.
“No. Not really. I sat here with a needle in my arm to get poison pumped into my body. Nobody wants to hear about that.” I looked up at him immediately sorry I’d let it slip out. “Tell me about your trip. I’m tired and don’t want to talk, is that okay?” I smiled in hopes I’d encourage him.
Brian slid his arm around me and half-held me as we walked. I breathed him in. He smelled like airplanes and stale air, but anything was better than hospital.
He told me how nice the guys were to him. Open, friendly, he felt really good about working with them. They’d gone sailing for a couple of hours on Lake Washington. They were also going to send a little work Brian’s way to see what he did with it and if all continued to go well, they’d go ahead and hire him long distance until we could make the move.
The excitement in his voice at practically being able to pick and choose what he wanted to do helped me forget about my day. I leaned my head against his chest, happy that things were coming together for him, at least in that part of his life. His life with me was certainly a disaster.
- - -
Nathan sat to watch his after-school show and I sat in the bathtub, letting the hot water from the shower wash over me. I’d passed the days of feeling terrible. I carefully washed and conditioned my long hair. I scrubbed my face and my body. It felt like if I scrubbed hard enough or used hot enough water, I’d clean myself of anything that still made me feel sick or weak.
I turned the water off when I finished, disappointed that no amount of scrubbing made me feel any cleaner, healthier, or better. I climbed out of the tub and wrapped my towel tightly around me. My body still felt shaky, but I knew I could function. I checked the water level in the tub. The drain had filled with hair. A lot of hair. Dread hit my stomach with the weight of lead. I sat on my knees on the floor and concentrated hard not to throw up. My hair might last through another treatment, but I couldn’t stand to watch it thin out until it disappeared.
I needed to just get it over with. And not think about it. I dried off and got dressed. The wet hair clung to my fingers as I pulled it from the drain and flushed it down the toilet. I put my hair in a ponytail holder and scrambled through the drawers until I found scissors.
I grabbed the end of my ponytail and opened the scissors as wide as they’d go. They had to dig and dig to get through my thick hair. My arms shook, the shaking continued into my body. I felt sick again at the thought of Brian seeing me like this. Tears started to run. I couldn’t cry. I was alone with Nathan.
I lifted my head to the mirror. My hair was still in the ponytail. I couldn’t see the damage. My hands shook as I opened the bathroom door, needing to escape that room before my eyes caught the pile of hair on the floor. I slid on pajamas and took Brian’s clippers from their spot in his drawer.
Nathan followed me to the porch with wide eyes.
“Wha’cha doin?” he asked.
“Taking off my hair.” It came out in a raspy whisper.
“Can I watch?” His little voice had an edge of excitement that I clung to.
His simple request of curiosity made it less horrible, not a lot less, but a little less. “Sure.” I turned the clippers on. I sat down in a chair and pulled the rubberband off the nape of my neck. My hair fell around my face in choppy uneven layers. I let out a breath and tried not to internalize what I saw.
Nathan sat on the porch in front of me, his eyes wide.
“Ready?” I looked at his face for courage.
“Yeah,” he giggled a nervous little giggle.
Watching my hair fall with the first run hit me in the gut, just like seeing the hair in the drain. I had to remind myself again that I did not want to watch it thin slowly.
I ran the clippers again and again over my head. Nathan laughed every time a chunk hit the porch floor. His giggling form made me laugh too, I couldn’t keep a few tears from falling, but the gratitude I felt for being alone with Nathan for this horrible moment was immeasurable.
“Okay Nathan, look really hard. Do you see any funny spots anywhere?” I turned my head from side to side and leaned forward in my chair, folding my body over my lap so he could see me well.
“Nope.” He grinned widely. “Can we do me next?”
“No way dude! You have awesome hair.” I reached out to touch his head, but he ducked away. Movement caught the corner of my eye. I looked up to see Mom standing with two armloads of groceries at the bottom of my front steps. Mouth open. Staring.
She regrouped quickly - her look of panic vanished fast. “Well, I brought your wig up.” She surveyed the mess on the porch. “We should clean up that hair before Brian gets back.”
“I’ll get it, Mom.” I didn’t need to be creating more work for anyone.
“No, no, you climb on your hammock.” She walked across the porch and to the front door. “I’ll bring you that huge comforter… and maybe a hat.” She disappeared into the house keeping her eyes averted from me as she did it.
I wrapped my arms around me to hold off chills. Mom was right. It was too cold to be without a comforter. Nathan climbed up on the hammock with me. I pulled him close, trying to ease some of the ache in my chest. Its just hair, but it felt like so much more.
“You’re crushing me!” Nathan squirmed next to me.
“I can’t help myself.” I squeezed him tighter.
Mom walked out and set a blanket on the hammock. She scooped up my hair with a broom and dustpan and stepped back into the house without a word.
“What’s wrong with Grandma Lila?” Nathan scooted his body around to see me.
“I don’t know,” I lied.
“There’s Daddy!” Nathan pointed to Brian’s car coming up the street. Waves of nervousness and fear ran through me at the thought of Brian seeing me with no hair. He always touched my hair, brushed it off my face, ran the strands through his fingers. I wondered how much he’d miss it. I couldn’t think about how much I’d miss it.
He pulled into our drive, grabbed his laptop case out of the car and walked toward the front of the house. He barely paused when he saw me. Probably only I would have noticed his hesitation at all.
“So, this is what we’re doing today, huh?” He smiled wide.
Relief washed through me, but I simply shrugged, waiting for his real reaction. Before I could do anything to stop him, he grabbed the clippers and did one clean run over the middle of the top of his head.
“Brian, no!” I started to jump toward him, but the hammock jerked underneath me, and I held still.
He looked ridiculous with his wide eyes and stripe of missing hair.
“Honey, I don’t think I can leave it like this.” He leaned forward and kissed me on the lips.
“Brian, you are crazy.” I reached out for him as he pulled away. Our eyes locked.
“You wanna do it?” he asked, holding the clippers out for me to take.
I slid to the edge of the hammock and rested my feet on the porch. Brian’s face was close, his head looked bizarre with the one bald stripe in the center. He held out the clippers for me to take, and my heart started to pound. My hands shook as I grasped them and flipped the on switch. “I don’t know.” I shook my head and swallowed as if it would pull down the tears threatening to spill over. His gesture overwhelmed me, and hit me hard, bringing another round of tears to the surface.
“Hey.” His voice came out softly. “I love you.”
I attempted a nod and did another run over Brian’s head.
“Can I do it?” Nathan scooted next to me.
“That would be great.” I breathed a sigh of relief. Just his small voice and excitement lightened my load again. I handed the clippers over. Brian’s expression of pretend worry and shock made me laugh. And just like that, another horrible moment was saved by a five-year-old boy.
Nathan worked meticulously and slowly, giggling and pausing after each swipe. Brian’s head was as clean as mine in minutes.
“My turn dad!” He turned the clippers off and handed them to Brian.
“No.” I shook my head at Brian. No way should a little boy have to go bald, even for a short while.
Brian looked from Nathan’s pleading face to mine. “It’s important,” he mouthed to me. The clippers ran easily though Nathan’s hair.
I felt shock as his soft little boy hairs hit the porch. Nathan laughed and laughed as his hair tickled him on its way to the floor.
“I can’t believe...” My heart was full of love, gratitude and uncertainty.
“Leigh, he’s a big boy. He’s a part of the family and he wanted to do it.” Brian rested his hand on my knee.
I nodded and smiled over at my two bald-headed boys through a fresh set of tears. I put a hand on either of their heads.
“How do you want…,” Mom started to say as she walked onto the porch and then stopped when she realized what had happened, again. “I’ll just go get the broom.” She disappeared back into the house.
“Wow, okay.” Jaron stood at the bottom of the stairs, staring. “I was wondering what all the racket was over here.” He tried to force out a laugh. He came up the steps and leaned toward Nathan. “Can you do me, too?”
Nathan started in before I had a chance for my protest to be heard. He laughed so hard his little hands couldn’t keep the clippers steady. Brian had to take over.
Mom appeared from in the house. “Oh for goodness sakes! Leigh can wear a wig if she wants to! What are you boys going to do?” There was irritation in her voice, but I was sure she hid a smile.
“Mom?” Jaron put a hand on her arm. “My hair will look like new in a couple of weeks. This is clearly not a big deal.” He pulled her toward him and planted a kiss on her head.
She didn’t speak as she swept up the mix of Jaron’s baby blond and brown of Nathan and Brian, from the porch.
“What on earth are you guys doing over here?” Stuart asked. “I could hear you from my house.” Julie with Cassandra walked behind him. He surveyed the now four bald heads as he came up the steps. “Oh.” A smile started to break out on his face.
I pointed my finger at him. “Don’t even think about it, Stuart.”
“Okay.” He snatched the clippers and did the same thing Brian had done. He did one clean stripe across somewhere near the top of his head. Julie gasped behind him. “I may need someone to help with the rest.” He laughed.
“I’ll take care of that.” Brian enjoyed taking off Stuart’s hair way too much, laughing and teasing him about his lumpy head. “Just like basic training, huh?”
“Yeah, about like that.” Stuart slapped Brian on the back.
“You boys, I swear you’re just looking for an excuse to be goofy. Leigh’s the only one here who looks good bald, except for maybe Nathan.” Julie rubbed Nathan’s bald head.
“Time to eat!” Mom opened the front door. Her eyes went from Jaron to Brian to Stuart to Nathan and only briefly to me. “Come on in,” she added more quietly.
Brian stepped over to the hammock where I still sat. “You like your hammock?”
“Very much.” I reached my hands out and took his. He pulled me to standing and pressed our bodies together.
“Love you, wife.” He put a hand on either cheek and then ran his hands over my bare head.
I closed my eyes as his hands moved, enjoying the warmth of him. “I don’t…” I had no words. I didn’t know what to say. I felt in awe of the support they’d given me without a second thought.
“We love you.” He put his arm over my shoulder and led me inside to dinner.
- - -
Brian sat on his chair in the dining room watching me with more than the usual closeness. I sat on the couch with Nathan. Wary.
“Is there a problem?” I caught his eye before he had a chance to look away.
“No… I don’t know.” His brows pulled together.
I adjusted my body to face him more easily. “What’s up Brian?”
“Well, your mom went home…”
“I’m aware.” What could he be getting at?
“And I have to work tonight…” He was really dancing around what he wanted to say.
“Just say what you want to say, Bri.” I pulled up one side of my mouth. Brian worrying was a bit amusing because he tried to be so careful about it.
“Would it be completely weird if I asked Josie to come help with Nathan? You two haven’t gotten together in a while anyway. You’ve just looked… dizzy today.”
“I feel a little dizzy today, but I’m sure Nathan and I will be fine.” I rested my head on the couch, Brian still looked concerned. I hated how hard all of this was on him. “You know what? I haven’t seen Josie in a long time, it might be nice to catch up.” I knew what his reaction would be.
“Thanks, Leigh.” His body relaxed. “I know I’m sure I’m being crazy. I just worry and it breaks me up to not be able to just be here with you.”
“It’s fine Brian, anything you want,” I smiled at him fully.
“Can that just be our mantra over the next few months?” He stood up from his chair and kneeled down next to me. “Because that would make my life a lot easier.”
“Expecting me to be difficult are you?” I touched his dimple with my finger.
“Any day.” He chuckled, leaned forward, and kissed my cheek.
- - -
I heard Brian’s voice on the porch mixed with Josie’s. Brian’s steps walked down and the door opened.
“So, did you get the lecture about hands?” I asked her as she walked through the door.
“Yeah and…” but she stopped, staring at me. “I’m sorry, that was on the list, too.”
“What? Don’t stare at Leigh’s bald head?” I laughed.
“Yeah. But he didn’t say it like that.” She smiled, shook her head and stared at the floor.
“No, I guess he wouldn’t.”
“So, hand washing, hair, ask you once in a while if you want something and if you’re headed to the kitchen I’m supposed to head you off and get it for you.”
“Wow. He was pretty thorough.”
“He’s just worried about you.” Josie’s head cocked to the side as she spoke.
“Yes he is.” Brian loved me, there was no denying or questioning it. The thought of it warmed me every time.
“So, Nathan, are you done with your show and can I read you some books before bed?” she asked.
“No, I want Leigh!” Nathan protested. His body slumped low as he turned around.
“How about we read out here with Leigh and then you can show me where you sleep.” Josie started to bargain.
Josie help
ed him pick out pajamas and we all read together on the couch. He happily followed her to his room and I could hear him showing her the sketchbook his dad had done for him. All things I should have done.
“So now what?” Josie asked as she stepped into the living room from the hallway.
“Well, I’d love a glass of water and a yogurt, this way you can honestly report back to Brian that you got me something.” I smiled.
“Okay.” She disappeared into the kitchen and came back with a water and yogurt for each of us.
