by Jolene Perry
We chatted very specifically about anything not involving me being sick. After my short snack and trying to keep up with a seventeen year old’s conversation pace, I could feel myself sinking lower into the couch.
“I think you’ve filled your purpose.” I set my yogurt cup on the coffee table.
“I guess so. We didn’t really talk about how long I was supposed to stay.” She pulled her out her phone to check the time.
“I’m probably off to bed so it’s about to get pretty boring around here.”
“Okay. Well I guess I’ll see you tomorrow at church.” She got up and headed toward the door. “I still can’t believe you don’t have any hair.”
I grabbed my head and attempted a smile. “Yeah. Me either. It sucks.”
“See ya.”
“Thanks for babysitting, Josie.” I waved as she walked out the door. At her age I was finishing high school. I’d already started having symptoms of cancer, but hadn’t realized it yet. She looked so young, too young to deal with something so life changing.
I’d felt old at eighteen, like an adult dealing with what felt like an adult disease. I didn’t feel that way anymore. I felt impossibly young, years and years of life with Brian and Nathan to look forward to… unless those years were taken from me. I choked back a sob.
I stood up from the couch, needing to stretch or move or do something to leave that horrible thought behind. But part of me knew that thought would be my companion for a while – no matter what I wanted.
FOURTEEN
Sunday
“Leigh, we’re almost ready for church.” Brian poked his head into the bathroom.
I stood in front of the mirror trying to decide whether or not to put on my wig. It matched the bright blond my hair had been before the first round of chemo treatments. No one in Provo but Jaron had seen me with hair that color. It just felt silly. And the thing was so itchy.
“What’s the matter?” Brian’s large hand rested on my shoulder.
“You know last time I was sick I either pretended I wasn’t sick or I hid underneath my wig. I don’t want to do that.” I bit my lip, unsure of how to continue. “Would it be weird, or would you mind…”
“Ye-es?” He gave me his best smirk. The one that said, ‘I know you’re about to say something silly or ridiculous.’
“Would it be weird if I just went like this? Without my wig?”
“Would it be weird if I went without mine?” He took my two hands and put them on his bald head. Even after just a day I could feel the stubble. Mine would be smooth until the mess was over.
“Thank you.” Our faces were already close, I brushed my lips against his and he slid his arms around me.
“You are the bravest, strongest person I know.” His low voice sent shivers through me. “You ready?”
“Since I don’t have any hair to worry about, yeah.” He laced his fingers through mine and led me out the door.
- - -
We sat in the last regular row on the right side, the doors into the hallway open just behind us. I wanted to be near a door in case I felt sick and needed to leave. I sat on the outside, Brian sat next to me, and Nathan took the inside of the pew next to the wall.
I felt grateful for the people who stopped to offer support, but they were all a blur. I tried to focus instead on the spirit in the room.
I pulled a hymnbook onto my lap to look through. At every point in my life when I had a hard time reading scriptures, I’d read hymns. About two minutes before the meeting started I felt someone kiss the top of my head. I looked up startled at one of the young men, Matt. He set a loaf of bread next to me on the bench.
I couldn’t stop staring at his bald head. I tried to pull up the corners of my mouth to smile, realizing he must have done it for me. I watched him, amazed at his gesture, take his seat in the front to get ready to pass sacrament. Brian smiled as Matt looked to the back of the chapel. Just after Matt sat down, I felt another kiss on my head.
“Glad you made it today, Sister Wright.” Shawn. Also, with no hair. I almost couldn’t smile. I didn’t know if I’d be able to speak. He walked to the front and sat next to Matt.
Another kiss on the back of my head. “Hope you’re able to keep coming.” Jonathan walked by with his bald head and found his seat. I knew there were other people in the chapel, but I didn’t see anyone but the three boys who had done so much. I couldn’t take a deep breath.
By now many people in the ward had turned. I looked behind me to see a row of young men on their way in the meeting hall. Every single one with a shaved head. Every single one had done it for me. Tears flowed freely down my face now. There was no hiding it. Each one kissed my head before they walked in to take their seat.
“Thank you,” I whispered over and over. Continually wiping my eyes. I looked over at Brian. “Did you know about this?” I asked. He shook his head no. He touched the outside corners of his eyes, wiping tears. I looked around at the members of the ward smiling and dabbing their eyes. Love had filled the room and spilled over.
Our bishop got up to start the meeting. “I’m glad it’s not fast and testimony today,” he said as he pulled a tissue out of the tissue box at the podium, “I don’t think we have enough tissue.” We chuckled with him. “But before we start our meeting I want you all to know that love and prayers can carry a person through anything and that I can’t imagine anyone more deserving of our love and prayers than our Sister Wright and her family.”
Brian let go of my hand to put his arm around me so I could lean on him. “Love you, Leigh,” he whispered it quietly in my ear.
“Love you, Bri,” I managed to whisper. I didn’t know what happened through the rest of the meeting—I didn’t remember. I was absolutely overwhelmed with the love and generosity of the boys in our ward. I looked around at the bald heads scattered throughout the chapel after the sacrament was passed.
“You look tired.” Brian’s lips touched my ear as he spoke.
I nodded.
“Let’s get you home.” I leaned into him, into his warmth and comfort. Brian was doing good. As much as I hated to leave after only sacrament, I wanted the rest.
- - -
I lied in bed a couple of days later when I heard a knock on my bedroom door.
“Yeah?” I needed help out of here anyway.
I smiled at Jaron as he came in. I was getting really good at my game face. He sat down on my bed.
“Is this okay?” he asked.
“Of course.”
“I just didn’t want to jostle you if you weren’t feeling well.”
“I’m good.” I nodded and swallowed once to make sure I wasn’t lying.
“It’s kind of funny. Last year I was asking Brian to check on you and this year, he’s asking me.”
“That is kind of funny, and I will tell you what I told both of you last year. I don’t need to be babysat.”
“I’m going to break the rules,” Jaron warned.
“What are you talking about?” I asked.
“I know that last time I was your safe person. I think Nathan is taking my place. With all the games and shows you two to do together.” He looked down at his hands for a minute and then looked up at me. “How are you, Leigh?” he asked. “You don’t have that same peaceful spirit around you as last time.”
I smiled weakly. I’d have to do better.
“It’s like game face.”
I should have known that Jaron would see through me. He’d known me for too long.
“Are you worried?” he asked.
“Of course I’m worried.” I tried to keep my face even, my body relaxed.
“You’ll be okay,” he tried to say it with authority.
“You remember our definitions are slightly different.” Jaron and I had had this big talk last year about how I’d always known I’d be okay. I had known it; I just hadn’t known if I would survive the sickness or not. ‘I’m okay’ was my safe answer. It made the people around me feel better and
it had been true. Whether I lived or died, I’d be okay. I’d gone into the first round strong. I shouldn’t have worried at all the last time. This felt different.
Jaron nodded.
I thought about Brian and Nathan. “I don’t want to watch Brian do this with me anymore. It’s not fair to him.” I took a breath. “I have so much more to lose, Jaron…” I quickly wiped away a tear, hoping he wouldn’t notice.
“You were married in the temple Leigh…” he started to say.
“I know. Time and Eternity. But I want now Jaron. I want this life so bad and… I fell in love with Nathan first.”
Jaron nodded. “Have you talked to Brian about this?”
“Have you seen his face Jaron? He’s trying hard, but…” I shook my head.
“Leigh, I don’t know how you feel. I honestly just keep feeling like you’re fine.” I wondered if he was trying to convince himself or me.
“Thanks brother.”
“Love you, little sis.”
“Love you.”
Some days it felt good to be watched over, and other days it was irritating. I hadn’t decided yet about today.
- - -
“How are you?” I asked as I picked up the phone.
“You’re not allowed to ask that, Leigh.” Andy’s voice half sang back to me.
“Right. Sorry.”
“Evan insisted on giving me another blessing. I think it’s more for him than me. How’s Brian holding up?” I loved her sense of humor. It felt even better over the phone when I was forced to picture what kind of face she made.
“Okay, I guess.” I wasn’t sure and we were barely in it yet. I was afraid to ask.
“So, we’re both in a few days before Thanksgiving. That’ll make the holidays fun.”
“Yeah well, I don’t have the best memories associated with that holiday, so this year I’d like it to simply disappear.” Two years ago I’d been young and terrified of death. Last year was…overwhelming. I didn’t want to re-live either of those days.
“Well, this’ll be your third time in for treatment, right?”
“Yep.”
“You’re going to feel like crap. Just take a few sleeping pills and it’ll be over before you know it.”
I had to laugh at that. No one else I knew would offer that kind of advice. “I may do just that.” I paused for a sec. “So, what are you up to today?” I asked.
“Nothing.”
“You know, you and your husband should drop by sometime,” I suggested.
“Yeah.” She sounded happy about the idea. “We might do that.”
FIFTEEN
Third of Twelve
Brian came in with me for treatment number three.
“Let’s play cards. Are you up for it?”
“I am for now.” I paused. “Like real cards?”
He pulled out a deck from his laptop case. “What do you mean real cards?”
“My mother adhered to the strict church guidelines of no face cards.”
“You’re kidding.” Brian looked baffled. “No face cards?”
“None,” I answered.
“It has to do with gambling.” Andy smiled from the doorway. “Can I join you?” I so envied her ability to be so mobile. Both because of and despite the chair.
“Of course.” Brian smiled.
“Oh, Brian, this is Andy.” They shook hands.
“So,” she started. “Contraband McDonald’s last week and face cards this week. You run with a rough crowd, Leigh.”
I laughed.
Brian took a few minutes to describe the game. There were seven rounds, each getting gradually more difficult. He explained sets and runs and I felt excited to get going, to be using my brain.
We finished our first round. Brian won, but just barely. With only three of us, we ran through a few rounds fairly quickly. I laid back on the bed. Even cards felt tiring.
“I’ll take off for a few and give you two some time.” Brian stood up.
“No, no.” I didn’t want Brian to go. “Didn’t you get a job from those Seattle guys? I’m sure you’re dying to dig into it and we’ll finish our card game in a little while if I’m still up to it.”
“Don’t you want some privacy?” he asked.
“You get so wrapped up when you’re working on something it’ll be like we’re alone.” My lips pressed together, holding in a smile.
“True.” He pulled out his laptop and sat in the opposite corner. “Would you mind if I wrote Joseph and gave him the update?” Brian asked.
“No, no that’s fine.” I figured the more people Joseph talked to, the more incentive he’d have to come visit sometime. Besides, I really didn’t like talking about being sick. Brian was absorbed almost immediately upon going to work.
Andy wheeled herself closer to my bed.
“What does he do?” Andy titled her head to Brian.
“He’s an artist.” I smiled. “Well, that’s what he is to me. He does web design and posters, all sorts of graphic design, but my favorites are his sketches.”
“Cool.” She nodded.
Brian’s t-shirt exposed the bottom of some of the tattoos on his arms.
“He’s kind of a new church member?” she asked.
“My brother met him on his mission and then later on they were roommates for a little over a year.” The memory of how Brian used to intimidate me made me smile.
“Must’ve been weird dating your brother’s roommate.”
I smiled, but laughter made me queasy. “We didn’t date long.”
“How long is not long?”
“Six weeks?” I blushed. “When you know, you know.”
“Wow.” Then she cocked her head to the side. “Who’s Joseph?”
“Oh. That would be my oldest brother who left home right after high school because he and my father had an argument over the Peace Corps and an affair.” Really, best to just say it all, right?
“Wow, Leigh, who needs TV with you around?” She laughed.
“Where’s Devin?” He was never away from her for this long.
“He’s getting me a proper nutritional meal, not from here.” She rolled her eyes.
“What about the rest of your family?”
“Oh, we don’t see them too much. I was one of a lot of kids, and I’m honestly not that close with my folks.”
“How many is a lot?”
“Eleven.”
“You’re kidding me.”
“I most certainly am not.” She laughed again.
We talked like that for a couple of hours. We ate popsicles and Devin came in to visit. Brian kept him distracted, and our conversation continued. I felt better than I had on treatment day one. Amazing.
“Well, I’m outta here and I bet your time is almost up.” Andy looked at the clock.
“Yep. I’m just about done.” I was more exhausted than normal, but less sick than normal. The day had passed quickly.
“So, Brian.” She wheeled next to him. “Can I see what you’ve been working on?”
“Uh… sure.” He turned the computer so she could see. I could see it too. It was a poster for a band from somewhere near Portland that was starting to do really well. They were after promotional stuff. Brian had started an amazing mix of trees and guitars, simple black silhouettes over a scattered blue background.
“I’m impressed.”
“Thanks.”
“See ya!” And she wheeled herself out the door.
It was exhausting having an extra person in my room all day, but the distraction was so nice that I’d take whatever payback I was going to get from it.
- - -
Payback was harsh. I felt terrible for days starting the next morning. Mom was up to visit as usual, and Nathan was home from school for the holiday that we weren’t celebrating. I felt like I did nothing but throw up for two days. We were only on number three. The thought exhausted me and weighed me down.
Brian also had the week off but was playing catch-up in every a
rea of his life that didn’t involve school. Since we’d moved Thanksgiving to the following week, Brian took the shifts at the bar that no one else wanted. I hated going to sleep without him at night. And no matter how careful he tried to be when he got home, it woke me. And he smelled like bar. I’d be so glad when he didn’t need to work that job anymore.
