by Jolene Perry
I’d closed down my online shop. I kept it open for downloads, but it became apparent that there was no way I could keep the store stocked. I felt like I’d worked so hard to keep the momentum this fall, and it was crashing quickly. Just another reminder of the growing list of things I wouldn’t be able to do for a long time.
- - -
Thanksgiving was scheduled for whenever Leigh was up to it. The reality was that I wasn’t up to it at all. I didn’t want it to come. Mom was persistent, and I finally agreed to celebrate exactly a week late. I didn’t feel horrible. I didn’t feel great. I didn’t have a huge appetite. I was just there. I woke up Thursday morning and put on my best game face.
“How are you doing with all this craziness?” Dad gestured around my small house.
“Okay.”
“I tried to talk your mom out of it. I guessed it wouldn’t be your favorite holiday to re-live.” I forgot how perceptive my father was because he was so quiet.
“It’s okay. She’s very happy.” We both looked at her washing dishes in my kitchen with a smile.
He nodded.
“You’re looking better than I expected.” Dad said quietly as he sat.
“Really?” I nearly laughed. My bald head was enough to throw me for a loop every time I looked in the mirror.
“How are things?”
“Aside from the obvious?” I asked.
“Yes. Aside from the obvious.”
I partially felt like the cancer had taken over our lives, but in ways, all the basics were there. Nathan and I did homework. Brian and I slept next to each other every night. He loved me and took care of me. “Brian is great dad. I’m really, really happy and also really wishing that he didn’t have to do this with me.”
“Its part of being married, Leigh. The ones you love have to see you at your worst and do it with you. But you have to remember how good it feels to serve someone like Brian is serving you right now. You’ll have years and years to return the favor.”
“I hope so.” I hadn’t meant to let that slip out.
He reached out and one of hands in both of his. “You will.” He meant it. “How was your week in Seattle? I never did get to ask you about that.”
I bit my lower lip, trying to decide whether to say anything or not.
“That bad, huh?” He smiled.
“No, it’s not that. We didn’t go to Seattle.”
His brows rose in surprise. I figured mom would have mentioned it. Maybe she didn’t want to tell my dad that Brian and I couldn’t make it that far.
“We went to Portland to see Joseph.”
His face turned to stone for a moment and then softened. My dad was impossible to read. “How did it go?”
“Well, I met his wife and their two kids. Joseph and I talked for a short while together and then we came home. It’s what I wanted.”
Dad nodded. I could read him well enough to see he was distracted. “Did Joseph tell you why he left?” Dad cocked his head slightly to the side to watch my face.
I nodded.
“That wasn’t a good time in my life, Leigh. I was a mess and I knew it was because I wasn’t living the way I should have been living. When he talked about not going on his mission… I was suddenly terrified that he’d end up where I was.” There was so much goodness in my dad. He was quiet and didn’t say much, but what he did say was generally profound. It made so much more sense coming from my father. He’d had a long time to think about it.
“Joseph wouldn’t let me explain,” he continued. “I tried, years later, after your Christmas cards stopped coming from Bolivia.” Dad smiled. “But I doubt he looked or read any of it.”
“He only read my letters a short while ago, after their twins were born. I mean, I think he’d read a few, but he finally sat down with them all.”
“I’m glad you did that, Leigh. It was good. If it ever comes up again, maybe you could relay my position.”
“I will.”
“So, Leigh… about Christmas.”
“I have a thing like three days before dad. I mean, we have to do something for Nathan, but I can’t handle a big deal. That’s generally my worst day.”
He nodded.
“And while we’re on topic. Can we not do presents this year? Just maybe for Nathan. I’m not doing anything for anybody. I don’t see how I can…”
He held up his hand. “I was going to tell everyone to write a letter to everyone else. We’ll all have fun getting stuff for Nathan. He hasn’t been with Brian all that long, and I’m sure he needs clothes and books. No boy his age can ever have too many toys.” Dad smiled at Nathan helping Mom roll out piecrusts.
I filled with gratitude. “Thanks, Dad.”
“It’ll be good for all of us.” His hand rested over mine. “I’m so proud of you, Leigh. You have a wonderful family here.”
Tears filled my eyes. “I think so, too.”
“I know you’re unsure of how to deal with Nathan.”
“Adoption.” I nodded.
“I can’t tell you what to do, Leigh. I will tell you that it’s rare for a parent’s rights to be stripped, but there were issues with Nathan and child services long before Brian picked him up from home alone. I’m not saying that she does, or doesn’t deserve whatever may happen with him. I am saying that it deserves some serious, prayerful consideration on your part.”
“I will.” Coming from Dad made it sound less horrible.
“That little boy loves you like you were his mom, Leigh. I can see it in everything he does. You may feel selfish praying for yourself, but you’re not selfish if you’re praying for Nathan.”
I leaned forward far enough to rest my head against Dad, letting my tears slide down my cheeks. “Thank you,” I whispered. “I’m so grateful to you and Mom. I know that I don’t always tell you that. And I can sometimes be difficult…”
“It’s okay.” He put his arm around me then and gently squeezed me. “It’s what makes you our Leigh.” In so many ways, I was a very lucky girl.
- - -
“I know you didn’t want to do today.” Brian played with my hands in his. We sat cross-legged, facing one another in our bed together. I felt good, as good as I expected to before going in again.
“No, I didn’t,” I agreed.
“I think it was nice for your parents and your brother. Looks like you had a nice talk with your dad.”
“I told him about our trip. About what Joseph said. He explained the whole thing in a way that made it seem a lot less horrible.”
“Good.” Brian leaned in close to me and kissed me once.
“He told me to pray about what would be best for Nathan. Not just what I want, that maybe if I put him first, the rest will come.”
“Also, good.” Brian’s smile was wide. “I think Nathan’s old enough for us to talk to him, let him in on the decision-making process, too.”
I nodded.
Brian’s hands slid around my waist. My body reacted like it hadn’t in a while. I smiled, leaned forward, and kissed him softly. I reached my arm around his neck and pulled him closer.
“Leigh I don’t think…” But I didn’t let him finish. I kissed him again.
I took Brian’s face in my hands and looked at him. “I don’t feel perfect, but I can’t not be close to you right now.” He leaned forward and kissed me the way he knew I wanted to be kissed. He pulled me onto his lap and wrapped my legs around him.
“I don’t think I can…” I started.
“Shh. You started this, and I just want to hold you like this for a minute.”
“And kiss me for a minute.” I smiled and put my lips on his.
“And that.”
And as his arms held me tight, and his lips pressed against mine, we were all that existed in that moment. I needed moments like those.
SIXTEEN
Realizations
The day after my parents left, Brian set me up in my hammock on the front porch. Nathan climbed up with a pile of blankets s
o I could read him stories. The little spots of “normal” helped the rest of what I was going through fade. At least for a while.
We’d just finished our fifth book when I saw a car pull up in front of the house. Andy. Devin gently pulled her out of their car, and carried her up the stairs to the porch.
“Hey there.” I said. “Why don’t you join me on the hammock?” I smiled.
With a little maneuvering Devin set her on the hammock, her head on the opposite side of mine. There was plenty of room for the both of us and we really needed to be together under the blanket anyway. It may not be snowing or windy, but it was November and cold.
Brian walked outside in his relaxed, happy way. My parents’ visit had been nice for him. I forgot often that he didn’t have the family support I was used to. “Devin and Andy.” Brian smiled. “Good to see you. You’re welcome to come inside. I’m just finishing up lunch.” Brian looked at Devin. “We can let these two girls talk for a few.” I made sure that Brian’s eyes caught mine before he went back in the house.
“Yeah, sure.” Devin looked over at Andy as if he was uncertain.
“Just go.” Andy laughed. “I’m right here.”
“Okay.” He nodded. Brian was handling my situation way better than that guy. Nathan followed them into the house.
“So, you found us,” I said.
“Yep, no problem at all.” She looked around. “This is a pretty nice place, how long have you two been married?”
“Since the end of July.”
“Wow, that’s it?”
“Yep.”
“Way to start a marriage, huh?”
“Yeah,” I agreed. “What about you?”
“Three years. I got my diagnosis just over a year ago and I’ve done one round, and they thought they had it, but now its back.”
“Wow.”
We didn’t mention being sick again. There were other things to learn about one another. Brian brought us out lunch and pulled Devin back inside with him. He understood that we needed some time.
“Brian’s nice about space, huh?”
“Most of the time,” I answered. “But I wish I could wipe that sad look off of his face.”
“Oh…” She let her head flop to the side in exasperation. “I know. It’s horrible isn’t it? Like I’m already doing it, don’t make me feel bad because you are, too.” She laughed.
Devin walked out to the porch a few minutes later. We’d barely had time to eat. “I think maybe we should head home?” He looked at her carefully.
“Yeah, sure.” She shrugged, looking resigned. “Well, I guess we’ll see you Monday.” She gave me a huge wide-eyed fake smile and put her arm around her husband so he could carry her back to their car.
“Are you ready to come in yet?” Brian asked.
“Yeah, I’m probably colder than I think I am.” I carefully slid off the hammock. I had to use Brian once to stabilize myself, but I had my legs to walk on.
- - -
After Nathan went to bed, Brian sat down and started diligently working, typing away on his laptop. I was deep in thought that still wasn’t going anywhere. The TV was on, but I watched Brian, lost in attempted concentration. It suddenly hit me why I felt sad after my talk with Andy. How short a time we’d been married.
Brian shouldn’t have married me. He’d had so much struggle and so much to overcome already. I was just one more notch of trials to endure. Why had I let this happen? I’d known it was possible when we got together. I shouldn’t have let anyone get attached to me, not for years longer. A wave of guilt washed over me.
Brian’s eyes caught mine just before I looked down. He smiled softly at me over the top of his computer. “What is it?”
My words came out in a whisper, “You married the wrong girl.”
His face turned blank. He set his computer down and sat next to me on the couch. He reached out and touched my face with his hand. I tried to hold back a sob. He used his strong arms to pull us together. He laid my head on his shoulder and kept his arms around me.
“I married the perfect girl. I married the girl who could have done so much better and took me anyway. I married a woman who inspires me to be the best version of myself just by being her. I feel lucky every day to be the man next to you, Leigh. Nothing will ever change that.”
I shook my head.
“Just because you think you don’t believe me, doesn’t change how I feel about you.”
I closed my eyes, my head felt heavy. I sat there for a moment, trying to decide if I understood myself enough to explain.
“I love you so much. You shouldn’t have to go through this just because I’m going through this. It about killed me to see the sadness on the faces of my parents’ and the shock on my brother’s. But to see the sadness in yours…” I leaned away of him to look in his eyes.
“I need you to know that the best place in the world will always be next to you. I’m there until you send me away.”
“I’m so sorry, Brian.”
He pulled me against him with even more strength than before. “You have to stop doing that. This, you being sick, this is what we’re doing right now. We’re very lucky in that it’s not the only thing we’re doing. We have lots of good stuff going on, too.”
I nodded. “It just seems so unfair.”
“Unfairness is the girl with more love and light than anyone I’ve ever known having to do this not once, but twice.”
“You tell me if you need a break from this. We’re just getting started, we haven’t even gotten close to the really bad part yet.”
I heard him breathe in. He took a moment before speaking. “The beauty of being married is that neither of us ever has to do anything alone. This’ll all be over before you know it. Besides, you’re stuck with me.” He kissed me on the top of my head.
“I’m happy to be stuck.” But that nagging voice was still there. The one that told me I’d done this to both of us.
SEVENTEEN
Fourth of Twelve
I shared a room with Andy for my next day at the hospital. Brian worked on his computer for a while and drug Devin out for a walk or two. He never went far. I took my Zofran even though I hated it. Throwing up in front of other people was not something I wanted to do. At least it was helping my body stay stronger because I wasn’t as malnourished as I’d gotten last time.
My recovery time felt longer, like I knew it would. Mom left on the Saturday after my Monday treatment, as was becoming standard. Brian was swamped, about to start his last finals week before being done with school. He worked at the bar, did some freelance design work, tried to be a student, a dad, and a husband to a very, very sick wife. It was too much. Guilt flooded me as he left for work on Saturday night, knowing what a long night lay ahead of him.
I fell asleep long before Brian came home, but woke when he climbed into bed. I rolled toward him.
“Sorry to wake you,” he whispered.
“You smell.” I smiled in the dark.
He laughed a little.
“I missed you here tonight.” I hated going to sleep in an empty bed. How had I done it before we got married?
“I hate that place.” He sighed. “I hate it more every time I go. It’s a lot harder to be nice to people acting ridiculous when you don’t want to be there. At all.”
“I’m sorry.” I felt a weight rest on me. How much money could I have brought in to help our family if I hadn’t gotten sick again? “I feel like I…”
He leaned forward and kissed me. “Leigh, we have enough money. I could quit. I just want to make sure we have enough. I want the cushion you know?”
“You’re taking good care of us, Bri.”
“I want to take good care of you. There’s so much I wish I could do and can’t so I’m doing what I can.” It seemed like he did everything.
I scooted as close to him as I could and let him put his arms around me so I could fall back asleep. He carefully ran a hand slowly up and down my back. It was just Brian
and I now, pressed close in our warm bed.
“Thank you,” I whispered as I slid back into sleep.
- - -
“Today was my last day of school. I am officially done with my degree! You have to come out with me and celebrate.” Brian burst into our house with a wide smile.
