by Jolene Perry
There were only a few days until my next treatment. I wouldn’t feel much better than I did then. “What did you have in mind?” I asked.
“A nice dinner out with my wife.” He leaned over and kissed me softly at first and then more deeply as our lips continued to come together. “Your brother and Megan want Nathan for the night, so I have you all to myself.” He smiled and kissed me again. “If you’re up for it.”
“I think I am.” A normal night out sounded perfect.
I spent more time getting dressed than I had in a while. My clothes already fit a little loose. I really wanted to wear my favorite platform heels but with how weak I’d been, it probably wasn’t a good idea.
I settled for a pair of boots, a pencil skirt that wasn’t horribly loose yet and my very favorite grey cashmere sweater. I put on the little blond wig I’d gotten for last time and looked myself over in the mirror. The hair was cute, short, and very blond. I felt normal. Something I never thought would feel this blissful.
“Wow.” Brian broke out in a wide smile as I stepped out of the bathroom. He wore a dark suit of his, which just accentuated his height and broadness.
I had to smile back.
“You look amazing. It’s actually weird to see you with hair. Is it okay to say that?” He laughed.
“Yeah, I had to check myself over a few extra times.” I walked into the room. “I just wasn’t in the mood for sympathetic stares tonight.”
“People may stare, I’m just warning you.” He stepped towards me, slid his arm around my lower back and brought us close together. I closed my eyes. It felt good to stand next to him like this. It had been too long since we’d taken this kind of time with one another. “You are so beautiful.” He leaned down and kissed me, so much more careful than he used to be.
- - -
We walked into the restaurant where Noah had proposed to me close to a year before. I was happy to be here with Brian, it was a great place with a beautiful view, and the opportunity to have good memories here swept away anything negative.
As we were led to our table, I caught Noah and Amber out of the corner of my eye. Ridiculous. I felt nervous, anxious. Which was silly. It shouldn’t matter, right? I just hadn’t seen Noah since he proposed, and I’d turned him down. I wondered if I’d ever be rid of him. I leaned over the table toward Brian. “Take off your jacket and roll up the sleeves of your dress shirt.”
“What?” He smiled, a little bewildered.
“Please?” It was my favorite way to see him and, if Noah did notice us, it made Brian look his size. He did what I asked, still watching me with a puzzled expression.
“Kiss me.” I smiled, leaning forward and resting my weight on my elbows. He did the same and happily obliged. Before he moved away I said, “Look two tables back.”
He glanced over my shoulder. “Well, what are the odds?” He started to lean back, but I shook my head.
“One more before you go away.”
He smiled wide, and kissed me again. “So, what would be fun…” he started. I could tell I wasn’t going to agree. “How mad would you be if I broke his nose?”
“Brian.” I tried to sound disapproving, but I couldn’t help but smile just the same. “So, are we going to stay here and pretend they don’t exist? Or are we going to take off and eat somewhere else?” I asked.
“They’re getting up to leave.” He sat back.
I reached across the table again to feel his hands on mine. Noah wouldn’t recognize the blond anyway.
“Leigh!”
I sighed. It was Amber. “I can’t believe we ran into you like this! And your hair!” She looked happy. Again, ridiculous.
“So, the wedding has to be close, huh?” I asked, trying to be polite. She pulled Noah to a stop next to our table.
“Two days!” She looked like she might burst with excitement. Her hand was carefully and perfectly placed on Noah’s chest.
“Your hair…” Noah looked confused.
Brian shifted a few times, like he was trying really hard to stay in his seat. I smiled. I felt so safe with him here.
“Yes, Noah,” I said. “I’m a girl. We change our hair.”
He stared at me for a few moments, his eyes narrowed. But he looked at me with something else, maybe something of the way he used to look at me.
“And!” Amber had more to say. It was like she was completely oblivious to the mood of the rest of us. Her voice got low. “Noah has planned this huge surprise two week vacation for our honeymoon!”
Noah stood up a little taller then. “What did you two do?”
“Well, Brian planned a trip, but the thought of leaving the bedroom just sounded like too much trouble, so we’re saving the trip for another time.” I winked at Brian and let my eyes shift back to Noah. I could see Brian’s wide smile from the corner of my eye.
Amber giggled. “You’re so naughty, Leigh! I can’t believe you just said that!”
“Told you,” Noah whispered.
That was it for Brian. He stood up inches from Noah. I really didn’t care if he caused a scene or not, but he got up slowly, like he was saying hi to a good friend. “Noah, you need to leave.” Brian half-smiled at him and said it in a nice, quiet voice. The difference in size made me smile. The difference in stature had to do with more than just size. Noah, I’m sure, took both into careful consideration.
“Or what?” Noah asked back. But his voice didn’t have the strength he intended.
“Or you’ll have to explain to your agent why your face is broken.” Brian said it quietly while smiling. Amber’s jaw dropped. “After your conversation with my wife the other day, you don’t deserve the chance I’m giving you right now.” His smile disappeared.
“But I thought…” Amber looked confused. She looked at me and then back at Noah who was losing composure by the second—standing too rigid and shifting his gaze and his weight.
I sat back in my seat comfortably, and looked around at the restaurant. Brian was good enough to make it look like we were old friends, just catching up. No one looked our way.
Noah turned to leave.
“Yeah.” Brian patted him on the back. “I didn’t think so.”
I half expected Noah to turn around at Brian’s demeaning gesture, but he didn’t. He didn’t want the confrontation. Especially since he had to know that he’d lose. Badly.
“Sorry.” Brian smiled as he sat down. He took a deep breath in and then back out. “I have always, always wanted to chase that man away.”
“Don’t be.” I smiled widely at him. “I’m almost disappointed. I would have liked to see the look of shock on his face if you’d hit him.”
“Well, let’s get out of here then.” He acted as if he was ready to stand. “I’m sure we could catch them in the hallway... or the elevator…” Brian gestured to the door.
I shook my head. “Thank you.”
“For what?” His face softened as he looked over at me.
“For making me feel safe.” I stopped for a minute. “For making me feel like nothing could touch me with you around.” I wasn’t talking about Noah anymore. “For making me feel like if I could just stay in your arms that everything else would go away.”
He leaned forward. “If I could make you better by holding on to you, if I could do anything… you have to know I would do anything for you.”
“I know.” It was the best thing to know.
EIGHTEEN
Fifth of Twelve
The one just before Christmas
“Hey Leigh, check it out.” Brian pulled his dog tags out. “We’re almost halfway.” He slid the bracket up another notch.
I tried to smile at him. Not quite halfway? Exhaustion filled me. How on earth would ‘almost halfway’ make me feel better? Especially with how terrible I already felt?
Andy and I both sat at the hospital on December twenty second, three days before Christmas. We shared a room, both in beds. Both wishing we were somewhere else. Anywhere else.
&nb
sp; “Christmas should be fun this year.” She looked over at me between the railings.
“A blast.” I wanted time to speed up so it could all be over. I’d written my letters, but it was hard not to make them sound like goodbye letters.
“You guys have plans?” she asked.
“My parents insist on coming up. They’re going to spend most of the day with my brother and his wife’s parents, but Christmas morning is all at my house. It’s only a few days away. I can’t imagine feeling that great.”
“We’re going to my parents. They’ve invited everyone. It already feels like a goodbye party, and I haven’t even gone yet.”
“You could always take your own advice and sleep through the day,” I suggested.
She smiled. “I probably will. Shoot, I’m stuck in here tomorrow too, that gives me two days to recoup. There’s no way I’m going to feel like playing nice by then.”
“You crack me up, Andy. I’m sure it won’t be that bad.”
“No, no, I’m sure it will.” She smiled back over at me. “Yours doesn’t sound too bad. Remember that it could be worse.”
“It can always be worse,” I said back.
“Well, that’s mostly true.”
We lay together pretty quiet for the whole day. We turned on the hallmark channel, watched sappy movies, and tried to ignore what we were both fighting, how tired it all felt, and that we were supposed to be celebrating in three days.
- - -
Christmas Eve came and I felt worse than I’d felt yet. Nothing I tried could force the nausea away and help me get to sleep. All day I was hot and cold and throwing up. No position helped. Nothing helped. Nathan stayed with Mom and Dad at Jaron and Megan’s house since I’d gotten home from my treatment. Brian tried to stay calm, but he’d threatened hospital several times. I’d thrown up everything.
I gave up trying to be anywhere but the bathroom. I lay down on the cool floor. I’d missed the toilet once or twice so Brian brought me a bowl. I was so sick of looking at the inside of this bowl. It was going in the garbage can as soon as it wasn’t needed anymore. Maybe sooner. Brian sat with me for a while, but it was more exhausting having him there than just lying alone on the floor. I threw up less by myself.
Brian walked in with what felt like the tenth cold washcloth in an hour. “Is there anything I can do?” he asked as he sat down next to my feet. My head nearly touched the bathtub. I lay in the shadow of the toilet, my feet stretching out into the hallway.
I shook my head. “I’ve taken a sleeping pill but can’t sleep, I’ve taken my Zofran, but my body still wants to throw up. There’s nothing left.”
“Let me get you a blanket or something.”
I didn’t respond, knowing he would. He was back in minutes and gently laid the blanket up to my waist. He knew I didn’t like the heat on the core part of my body when I felt this sick.
“I’m going to have your mom come over for a few,” Brian said. “I have to pee,” he tried to tease, but I didn’t have the energy to respond. “I just want to spend a little time with Nathan, that’s all.”
“That’s fine,” I whispered. My throat hurt. I stayed low and didn’t open my eyes. Missing my first Christmas Eve with Nathan stung. Brian waited until Mom came through the front door before he walked out. I could hear their footsteps and quiet murmurs.
“Hey, Leigh.” My mom’s voice came from the hallway. “Hot or cold?”
“Hot.” She didn’t say anything else and handed me a hot washcloth. I let it lay on my head. I hadn’t moved and hadn’t opened my eyes.
“Don’t move, don’t say anything,” she started.
“You can listen to me talk or you can ignore me. Just tell me if my talking bothers you, and I’ll find a book to read.”
“Okay.” I didn’t move. I didn’t open my eyes. I kept my face on the cool floor and my arm around my stupid, stupid bowl.
“It’s just a little after dinner time.” I got it now. She was going to tell me about their night to distract me. It was Mom. She didn’t need anything from me. I heard her sit down in the hallway. “Nathan helped me all afternoon in the kitchen. Yours is much better equipped than Megan’s, but you’re a much better cook than Megan.”
I smiled.
“She does just fine, but you cook like me.” Mom’s tone was proud. “So, Nathan helped me roll out pies. I let him design the tops of them. You would be amazed at the designs that kid came up with.”
I was sure I’d be impressed.
“He’s such a wonderful little boy. So much like his father.” She paused for a moment. “So, Nathan’s been a big help. Jaron is so in love with that Megan, they’ll be happy together. They’re both such hard workers.” She chuckled softly. “It’s somehow different with them than it is with you and Brian. Less passionate or something.”
I nearly blushed at that comment.
“I think it has to do with the depth of the experiences that both you and Brian have had. I’m not sure. I love watching you two together. It makes me feel happy that you have something so special.”
I heard her shift around on her spot on the floor. “Anyway, I’m actually a little nervous about spending part of the day with Megan’s family tomorrow. We’ve only met them a couple of times you know?”
She was quiet for a moment. “I know this isn’t the easiest time to have all of this going on.” She paused again. “Next year will be better. I’m glad that even though your relationship with Brian and Nathan was different last year, that you’ll have that memory of your first Christmas together and not this one. This one sucks.” She laughed again.
That didn’t sound like my mother.
“I want you to know how proud I am of you, Leigh. It’s hard not being the one here all the time, but I can’t imagine leaving you in more capable hands.”
I loved that my parents loved Brian the way they did.
“And now that I’m looking ahead to tomorrow and Megan’s parents, it’s kind of odd to think of Jaron’s relationship to them. It makes me glad that your father and I have the relationship that we do with Brian, and that he doesn’t have nearly perfect parents to compete for time with you guys. Not that it’s an actual competition.” I could hear her smile. “I’m just selfishly happy that we’re all you two have.”
I smiled again. It was always nice to hear your parents say something that didn’t make you feel like they were hopelessly more perfect than you.
“I want so much for you.” She breathed out slowly. “You have to have some understanding now of how much I want to take this from you. How much I wish you weren’t doing this again.” She stopped again, and when she started, her voice sounded different, lighter. “Well. You don’t want to hear that. I wanted to say that I’m happy for the idea that you and your father had, about the letters. I think it’s probably been a good exercise for all of us. I wish I would’ve thought of it a little sooner. Think of all the Christmas letters we could have had from one another.”
I could practically hear the wheels turning.
“Think of all the Christmas letters we’ll have if we keep doing this.”
“Thanks, Lila.” Brian’s voice again, just after the front door closed behind him.
“Hot or cold, honey?” Mom asked.
“Cold,” I whispered. I realized I hadn’t thrown up since she’d gotten here. That was a good sign. My medicine was finally kicking in. “Thank you, Mom.”
“Yep.” She squeezed my foot, which stuck just outside the door. “Give your boy a hug?” Mom asked Brian.
“Yeah,” Brian answered. “Thank you.”
“Love you, Leigh,” Mom said.
“Love you, Mom,” I whispered. “Thanks.”
Brian walked her to the door. They spoke, but I didn’t hear the words.
“It sounds like things might be looking up for you,” Brian said as he came back to the bathroom. “What about to eat? Maybe something sounds good to your stomach?”
“Please don’t mention food r
ight now.” I let my eyes open to see his face and his sweet half-smile as he looked down on me.
“What about…” I held my hand up and he paused briefly. As soon as I let my hand down he finished. “… A shake?”
I thought about that for a moment. I could almost feel the cool soothing liquid on my sore throat. It actually did sound good. I hadn’t thrown up in a while. I was starting to feel like the horrible way I’d been feeling may not last forever.
He smiled. “I found it didn’t I? Something you could eat?”
